I give credit to J.R.R. for coming up with these characters and to Sharky for writing the Barad-dur Help Group, my inspiration. Published with Sharky’s permission.

(The scene opens: Gothmog, Ecthelion, Túrin, Beren, Frodo (and Sam), Arwen, and Faramir are standing around talking in a dingy, ultra-evil, room high in Angband. There is a glassless window in the East side of the room. A chill wind blows through it.)
Gothmog: Is everyone here? ROLL CALL! Arwen?
Arwen: Here!
Gothmog: Beren?
Beren: Here!
Gothmog: Faramir?
Faramir: Yo!
Gothmog: Frodo?
Frodo: Present!
Sam: And me!
Frodo: Shut up Sam. (smacks Sam on the head)
Sam: Mr. Frodo touched me! (faints)
Gothmog: Um…Túrin?
Túrin: Yo!
Gothmog: Ecthelion?
Ecthelion: How come whenever you call roll I’m always last?
Gothmog: You’re not last this time. Legolas?
(Legolas swings through the window on a rope)
Legolas (in a suave voice): Sorry I’m late. Did I miss anything?
Gothmog: Sit down!
Legolas: You can’t order me around! I’m a prince and I’m the prettiest!
Arwen: Yeah? Well I’m a queen!! SIT DOWN!
Legolas: Okay, you don’t have to shout.
Gothmog: Everyone’s here. Who wants to introduce themselves first?
Legolas: Me! Me!
Gothmog: Beren, how ’bout you?
Beren: Hi my name is Beren.
Everyone except Legolas: Hello Beren!
Legolas: Hi my name is…(gets clobbered by Arwen)
Beren: I suffer from panic attacks. It started when my hand got bitten off by a giant wolf. Now…ARGHHH!! SOMETHING IS SCRATCHING AT THE DOOR!! IT’S A WOLF! AIEEEEE! (faints)
(The door opens. A small puppy trots in.)
Arwen: Awwww! He’s so cute! (She picks the pup up and holds him in her arms.)
Gothmog (O_o): Túrin, you next.
Túrin: Hi my name is Túrin.
Everyone except Legolas: Hello Túrin!
Legolas: Howdy Húrin! (gets clobbered by Arwen, again)
Túrin: I’m a mental case…
Legolas (Muttering): Which means you’re a nut. (Arwen hears. She clobbers Legolas.)
Túrin: …and then Mablung told me…
Legolas: That was un-called for!
Túrin:… “I will slay thee swiftly”…
Gothmog: Break it up you two!
Túrin: …and that’s how I became a mental case.
Legolas, Arwen, and Gothmog: Huh?
Túrin: You weren’t listening? *sniff* That hurts my feelings.*sniff, sniff* I’m should never have come! No one cares about my story!
(Arwen hands Túrin the puppy (Pup). Pup licks Túrin’s face. Túrin stops crying.)
Pup: Yip yip yip.
Arwen: What’s that?
Pup: Yap yip yippen yip.
Arwen: The Gap of Rohan?
Pup: Yip! Arf yap yip yip arf arf yap!
Arwen: What?! Really?!
Pup: Yip!

To be continued…

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