Disclaimer: I do not own Tolkien’s character’s which I have twisted and mangled into unrecognizable and mutant forms, which I somehow find amusing. Chase and Lori are imaginary figures that appear in many of my writings.

Part One:
The Contestants

“Chase. Chase, the camera’s on….”
Chase looked up from happily munching an apple. “Whfth?”
“The camera is on!” Lori sighed.
Chase’s face went red. “Oh.” She cleared her throat and assumed a dignified announcer-voice. “Good evening, and welcome to The Bachelorette, where one lucky girl will get to choose a lover from ten wonderful contestants.”
“That’s right, Chase,” said Lori.
Chase continued. “Now please welcome, slayer of Ringwraiths, niece of kings, sister of horse-lords, really cool warrior with a really cool sword–”
“Chase, that’s enough,” Lori hissed.
“Sorry. Please welcome Eowyn, shield-maiden of Rohan!”
Eowyn walked onstage and looked around quizzically. “What? Where am I?”
“You’re on The Bachelorette,” said Lori.
“Where you, the lucky girl, get to choose from–” Chase began.
Eowyn protested, “What?? I never agreed to–”
Lori walked up to Eowyn, whispering something in her ear. Eowyn immediately straightened and looked around. “Really? He’s here? Where?! Bring him to me!”
“Don’t worry, you’ll get to see him later,” Lori said.
“You’re sure you’re not lying about Aragorn?” Eowyn asked suspiciously.
“Aragorn? Where?” Chase demanded.
Lori slapped a hand over her face and moaned. “Never mind. Anyway, now that we’ve introduced our bachelorette, let’s bring in the bachelors! Chase, will you do us the honors?”
“Sure will. Our first bachelor is an adorable young man, who loves long walks through the food court, second breakfast, mushrooms, stealing food from angry farmers…. Please welcome, Peregrin Took!”
Pippin walked in, tripped on an electrical cord, and picked himself up quite ungracefully. “Whoa, this stuff is so… big– hey, a camera!” Turning to the camera, the hobbit grinned and waved. “Hi, Merry!”
“Pippin, why don’t you introduce yourself to our bachelorette?” Chase suggested.
“What?” Pippin said, scratching his head. “I thought I was on the food channel!”
Chase rolled her eyes and shoved Pippin over to Eowyn. Pippin looked up at Eowyn. “You don’t happen to have a pint handy, do you?”
Eowyn wrinkled her nose and shook her head. “Umm…. no.”
“All right,” Pippin sighed, waddled offstage.
“Now for our next bachelor,” said Lori. “This tall, golden-haired elf enjoys picking flowers, prancing, and shooting ugly people. Please welcome, the one, the only, Legolas Greenleaf!”
The elf swaggered onstage while crazed fangirls all over the world screamed and fainted. Legolas walked up to Eowyn, kissed her hand and said something in elvish.
Eowyn blinked and furrowed her brow. “Uh…..” But Legolas had already pranced over to Pippin and struck a pose.
“Our next blue-eyed bachelor loves long journeys away from home–” Chase began.
“I do not!”
Chase ignored the voice from backstage. “–carrying exceptionally heavy burdens, crawling into corners, getting stabbed–”
” Nooo!!”
Chase sighed in exasperation. “All right, fine. Here’s Frodo.”
Frodo walked in, and shook Eowyn’s hand. “Hello, lady,” he said shyly, and took his place beside Legolas.
Lori looked at the camera. “Now, the next lucky man–”
“Frodo? Frodo!”
“What now?” Lori muttered under her breath.
“Frodoooo!!”
A small figure appeared and ran to Frodo. “I thought I’d lost you,” Sam said.
“What are you talking about?” Frodo asked quizzically.
“Just something Gandalf said. ‘Don’t you–‘”
“Sam,” Frodo interrupted. “You’re on the show too.”
“Oh. Yeah.” Sam’s face flushed red, and he looked at the camera with an open mouth.
“Anyway,” Lori said. “The next bachelor loves barbeques, bowling, and his oldest son! Please welcome Denethor, son of Ecthelion!”
Denethor walked onstage, looked around suspiciously for any throne-stealers, and took his place beside Sam without a glance at Eowyn.
“Uh, okay….” said Chase. “Next we have, elf-lord of Rivendell, who likes trying on Arwen’s dresses, wearing fancy crowns, and saying ‘Doom’ dramatically, welcome Elrond to the show!”
Elrond swaggered in, beamed at Eowyn (who made a disgusted face in return), and stood next to Denethor, pulling out his black sunglasses.
“And next,” continued Lori, “is a man- er… hobbit…. whatever he is, so ugly he’s cute, corrupted by the Ring, who loves stroking his Precious–”
Suddenly, a raspy shout echoed throughout the studio. “Precious? PREECIOUSSSS!!” A grey blur bounded in, knocking down a camera or two, and crouched beside Elrond while hissing about “nassty elvesesss”.
“Yeah,” Chase said. “Well, our next contestant is–”
But suddenly a screaming figure ran in, stopping to grin at Eowyn, and then rushed to the line of bachelors. Answering the questions of what exactly Boromir was running from, a dark thing stomped in, roaring something unintelligible, and stood beside the shaking Boromir.
“–Boromir and Lurtz.”
“Last, but not least,” said Lori, “is heir to the throne of Gondor, to whom you owe your allegiance, Aragorn, son of Arathorn!”
The Ranger strutted in, shook Eowyn’s hand awkwardly, and stood next to the other bachelors. “Is that….” gasped Chase.
Lori rolled her eyes. “Yes, Chase. That’s Aragorn.” She held Chase back as the girl had started to bolt toward the scruffy man.
“Must… hug…. theking….. letgo…. orI’llbite….” Chase managed.
Lori laughed. “Ha. Riiiight–Ow!”
“Told you!” shouted Chase as she ran with incredible speed toward the unsuspecting Aragorn. He looked up, just to see Lori grab her around the waist and drag her offstage.
Lori appeared a moment later, her hair a mess and her eye swelling, and turned to the camera. “Well, that’s all for the first episode of The Bachelorette. Join us next week for–”
But the camera went black just after a Chase appeared and sped towards Aragorn.