~ The Blonde Leading the Blonde ~

You may not under any circumstances, copy this story for your own. Thank you.

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“AHHH!” a scream tore through the Great Hall of Minas Tirith.

Aragorn and Arwen were startled from watching ‘Gondor’s Funniest Home Videos’.

“That sounded like Legolas!” frowned Arwen. Aragorn rolled his eyes. “Is he having another tantrum?” he groaned.

“You had better check on him, dear.” The concerned Arwen said, patting his arm. Aragorn wrinkled his nose but pulled himself from the couch and followed the shrieking to Legolas’s immense chamber. He warily pushed the door open and entered the domain of Legolas. The elf was standing in the center of the room, his mouth wide open and in his delicate hands, was a white piece of paper. He looked up as Aragorn walked in. His blue eyes were wide and watering with emotion.

“A…A…Aragorn.” His voice was shaky. Aragorn was alarmed at the elf’s pasty complexion.

“Is it…is it your father?” he asked, nervously gnawing his nails. Legolas pressed a manicured hand to his heart. “Look!” He managed to gasp out while handing Aragorn the paper. As Aragorn took it, Legolas sat on the pink-canopied bed, holding his teddy bear for stability and fanning his face. Aragorn read the note:

“Congratulations!” it read. “Upon winning one of the two first places in the best eyebrow contest…”

“What?” frowned Aragorn. “An eyebrow contest?” Legolas nodded sheepishly. “Just keep reading,” he complained. “Whatever,” Aragorn shrugged and turned his attention back to the paper.

“…you have won a passage on the Laketown cruise line!

In precisely one week from now, you will be aboard the

ship, “The Bloomer.”

“One week from today, eh?” said Aragorn, raising his eyebrows.

“Um-hmm,” Giggling from excitement, Legolas hopped up and ran to his huge chest of drawers. “I have to start packing! Can we go shopping today?” Aragorn ignored him and sat in one of the rocking chairs and tapped his chin thoughtfully. “Laketown cruise line. Why does that sound so familiar?”

“Because I just won a passage?” Legolas labeled that, a dumb question. Aragorn shot him a dark look and then studied Legolas’s new hair-do. “Haldir!” He shouted triumphantly. Legolas frowned. “Why do you have to mention him now?” he griped. “This is a joyous time in my life. Wait…”a horrified expression covered his face. “Does this hair-do remind you of Haldir?” Aragorn grinned and pulled a wrinkled envelope from his pocket and waved it in Legolas’s cross face.

“Yes” he said, “and so does the name Laketown cruise line.”

“Who’s going on a Laketown cruise?” asked Arwen entering the room. Aragorn turned to her with a look of surprise before answering.

“Oh, just Haldir and Legolas.”

A look of absolute horror crossed Legolas’s once jubilant face. His face crumpled and a sob jerked from his throat. Aragorn and Arwen looked up startled from where they were reading the fine print of the letter.

“What wrong, honey?” asked Arwen going over to console the now weeping elf. “Aren’t you happy you are going to have a friend with you?”

“Haldir,” gulped Legolas. “Is not a friend!” He sniffed and turned away from Arwen’s comforting arms and sank to the ground in a soggy heap. Aragorn walked over and squatted in front of Legolas. “What happened now?” he asked gently. Legolas sniffled and wiped his nose on Aragorn’s sleeve. “I hate him,” he gulped. “The feeling is mutual and I am never going to speak to him again.” He began listing off all the wrongs that Haldir had done to him, ending with, “…and he took the last French Manicure! That’s why I hate him.”

“Legolas!” exclaimed Arwen. “It’s wrong to hate.” Legolas pouted for a moment and then said, or rather half sobbed: “You’d hate him too if you knew him as well as I did.” Aragorn rubbed his forehead. “This is going to be a long week.”

One week later…

“Legolas! Arwen and I are leaving in one minute! Come on!” Aragorn yelled from the foot of the stairs. There was silence for a moment and then a bang. “NOOOO!” screamed Legolas. A suitcase came hurtling down the long stairway with a panicking Legolas following. Aragorn caught the surprisingly heavy suitcase. “Legolas, what is in th…Legolas?” His mouth dropped in horror as he viewed Legolas fully. Legolas’s once blonde hair had been covered, or dyed, black and he was robed in a black cloak, which covered up a long-sleeved black shirt and black leggings. Huge, dark sunglasses covered nearly half of his face and a thick mustache covered the rest of his face. Arwen screeched when she saw the facial hair and nearly fainted when Legolas removed the glasses and revealed eyes surrounded by thickly applied black eyeliner.

“I’m going in disguise.” griped Legolas, sulky that Aragorn and Arwen didn’t get it. “I have decided that if Haldir doesn’t recognize me, he won’t bug me. In this suitcase is some of my makeup.”

“Some!?” frowned Aragorn, eyeing the large, seam bursting case. Legolas nodded, brightening up a little. “Uh-uh! Eomer and Faramir took me shopping yesterday while you were having a meeting.” He opened the suitcase to display the contents and makeup burst out. Scurrying around the hall, Legolas picked up compacts, lip glosses, and other tubes and cases.

Then he proudly began showing off some of his ‘treasures’.

“This is ‘Cinnamon Crush,” he stated, waving a bottle of nail polish. “And here is my lipstick. It’s called ‘Smashed Rainbow’. This eyeliner is called ‘Morbid Black’ and this…”

“Legolas,” interrupted Aragorn, dryly. “This is fascinating but you are going to miss the ship.” Legolas’s face fell at the mention of the cruise but he stuffed the makeup back into the case and ran upstairs to get the rest of his luggage.

“I really don’t think that the disguise is such a good idea,” frowned Aragorn. “I mean, how weird.”

“Don’t worry dear,” Arwen smiled knowingly. “Halfway there, he will realize that he looks much better without the Gothic makeup and go back to his normal self.”

“I hope so,” muttered Aragorn but he had no time to say anything else because Legolas came clomping down the stairs with three bags hanging off his arm and six servants following loaded down with luggage. Aragorn’s jaw dropped and Arwen stared disbelievingly at the immense pile of luggage.

“O.K.” Legolas rubbed his hands together. “I think I have everything.” He counted and then nodded. ‘Take these bags to the wagon, slave.” He waved a hand at the perspiring servant.

“Legolas,” frowned Aragorn. “He is not a slave.”

“Yes he is,” scowled Legolas. “He works here and he is my slave.” Arwen resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Aragorn sighed.

“We don’t have time to argue. Yes, he will help but so will we all.”

He glared meaningfully at Legolas who got the point and started gathering suitcases. Several trips up and down the stairs later, they finally were off. Faramir and Eomer came with them. Legolas became depressed once again about spending two weeks with Haldir and refused to wave goodbye.

Aragorn and Arwen tried to cheer Legolas up with jokes, stories and games. They played ‘Find the Penny’ which Legolas insisted Faramir cheated. Faramir realized his mistake (he really had cheated by swallowing the penny) and decided to tell Legolas a joke. Legolas pouted and then gave Faramir the permission to tell it.

“O.K.” Faramir grinned evilly and proceeded to tell a mean blonde joke. Legolas took it personally and burst into tears and then socked Faramir in the nose. Faramir took that personally and proceeded to slap Legolas across the face. A scuffle followed where Legolas bit Faramir and Faramir yanked Legolas’s scalp nearly off. They were really getting into it when a furious: “Legolas and Faramir!” interrupted their fight. Aragorn looked very menacing as he stood and glared at the two disheveled and bruised individuals who looked up from the brawl and then Aragorn glared at Eomer who was laughing his head off in the corner. “I am ashamed of you three! There are people watching!”

Horrified, Legolas and Faramir realized that they were at the docks and the crowd around them was quickly growing. Blushing furiously, Legolas hit Faramir away and then muttered an insincere apology. With an injured air about him, he helped unload the luggage.

“Oh, Legolas,” Aragorn tossed a brilliantly colored bag from the wagon. ‘I nearly forgot to tell you. Haldir made the reservations. Something I recall you forgot to do.”

Legolas sniffed and pulled his fake mustache off, apparently deciding it wasn’t his style. “Oh, did he? That’s really all he has ever done that was useful.” He commented snidely. Aragorn frowned and would have reprimanded him if a voice hadn’t broke into the conversation.

“Hello!” came the cheery voice of Haldir. Legolas sulked.

“Dang it,” he pouted. “I was hoping he wouldn’t show up.”

Haldir strode up wearing a Hawaiian cloak and sunglasses. He beamed at Aragorn, Arwen, Eomer and Faramir and turned his nose up at Legolas who responded by spinning his heel and stalking away. Aragorn couldn’t help noticing Legolas’s different colored socks. Haldir nodded at the retreating back of Legolas.

“Does he still have a temper problem?” he asked sympathetically.

“Yes,” answered Faramir and Eomer simultaneously. Arwen frowned at them both and then called Legolas back. “Leggy honey, I want you to greet Haldir properly.” she scolded. Legolas’s lip protruded and then muttered an artificial greeting. Haldir returned the greeting with an equally ungracious “Hello”.

“The ship is leaving in five minutes!” bellowed a voice from the immense boat. Legolas’s shoulders slumped but grabbed one of the bags and dragged it over to a small building marked, “Registration”. The attendant, an overly excited young man beamed and approached Legolas. But before he could get any words out, Legolas snapped his fingers under his chin.

“Here, slave. Take my bags.” The attendant was shocked but grabbed his bags and muttered a, “Yes ma-am.” A pasty color stole over the elf’s face and he moved as if to grind the pulp out of the worker, when a hand stopped him. It was Haldir.

“Don’t even think about it,” he growled. Legolas slapped his hand away and marched to the building.

“I have a complaint,” he sniffed. ‘Where is your manager, I wish to speak to him immediately!” The attendant didn’t look up.

“Name please,” he said. Haldir pushed in front of Legolas. “Haldir of Lorien,” he beamed. The attendant checked a name and then handed Haldir a plastic covered nametag that said, “Hi! My name Is Haldir!.

Haldir proudly pinned the tag to the front of his garish cloak and waited for Legolas.

“Prince Legolas Greenleaf of the Great and Magnificent realm of Mirkwood.” Legolas beamed and squared his shoulders. The attendant scanned the paper several times and then shook his head.

“I’m sorry, there is no name like that on here.” Legolas flung himself at Haldir.

“You loser!!” he screamed. “You purposely didn’t register my name, little punk!” Haldir pushed him away.

“Relax,” he grinned an evil grin and walked over to the building. “The name’s ‘Pretty Boy'”. He whispered. The attendant found the name immediately and handed Legolas a huge name tag like Haldir’s that said, “Hi! My name is Pretty Boy!

“Wear these at all times,” reminded the attendant. Legolas was so angry he could throw up. “You stupid creep!” he screamed. “How dare you!” Arwen rushed over. “Boys, this is not the time to fight. The ship is leaving!”

“It was just a joke,” sulked Haldir. Aragorn glared at him and marched over to the building and pointed to his armor that labeled him ‘King’ and soon returned with a new nametag. The ship blew a warning whistle and the elves rushed to gather their belongings. Legolas shared a secret handshake with Eomer and Faramir. Aragorn gave him a manly whack on the back and Legolas’s chest expanded a few inches. But when he approached Arwen, his lower lip quivered. Arwen gave him a peck on the cheek and Legolas dissolved. “I already miss everybody,” he gulped.

Arwen patted him on the head and waved him away. “Have fun ad be sure to wear lots of sunscreen!” she called. Legolas gave them all a last wave and stepped onto the gangplank. “Bye bye!” he yelled waving his arm frantically as the ship slowly pulled away.

“How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?!” screeched Eomer from the rapidly shrinking shore. A confused look came over Haldir’s face. He turned to Legolas. “How many?” he asked.

Legolas scratched his head. “I’m guessing 3.”

“No,” countered Haldir. “At least 5.” A Laketown villager standing next to them started to laugh. Legolas looked perplexed. “I don’t get it,” he said to Haldir.

Part 2

A white-cloaked attendant ushered them to their rooms. To Legolas’s dismay, his stateroom was right next to Haldir’s.

“Can’t we change?” he grumbled. The attendant looked down at his nose at Legolas.

“I’m sorry, but we have no more available space.” He sniffed and strutted away.

“We have no available space,” mimicked Legolas with a curl of his lip. “What a creep. I’m starving. Don’t they feed us here?” Haldir snorted. “Legolas, you think way too much about eating. You’re going to get fat.”

“Like you,” agreed Legolas. Haldir shot Legolas a malevolent glare before making their way to the dining room.

After getting lost several times the starving elves finally arrived at the dining room ‘fashionably late’ (or so Haldir tried to assure Legolas).

A waiter quickly showed them to the nearest table. Haldir cringed in embarrassment as Legolas’s dark makeup earned him many stares.

At their table Haldir attempted to make small talk with the odd assortment of Gothic Rangers who took Legolas in as a fellow Goth. All attempts to converse were shattered, however, when one of the Rangers asked if Legolas and Haldir were sisters. At first Legolas was offended that anyone could possibly think that they resembled each other. But then the reality of the Ranger’s statement sunk in and murder crept into the two elves eyes.

Legolas decided to threaten the Rangers – not realizing that was a terrible idea as they were all carrying knives. “I’m going to have my friend kill you,” snarled Legolas, trying to feel brave.

“Yeah!” echoed Haldir. “Aragorn could banish you for life!”

The rangers looked a little frightened and decided to scoot their chairs to another table and Haldir and Legolas were left alone. Several minutes later, Legolas and Haldir were fruitlessly trying to get the captain to throw the Goths overboard.

“They are a menace to society,” sulked Legolas when their request was denied.

“Now gentlemen,” the captain soothed. “Why don’t you get some rest? We are stopping at a deserted island tomorrow and I’m sure you will need the sleep to get the energy you are going to need to explore the island.”

The elves looked at each other said and shrugged their shoulders simultaneously, “O.K.!”

Later that night, Haldir was awoken to hear a smash in the hallway. He opened the door a crack, adjusting his SpongeBob bathrobe, just in time to see Legolas slam his head into the wall. He was having a nightmare. Haldir hauled him back into his room and slammed the door. A few minutes later, Haldir learned another of Legolas’s obnoxious traits: he had a disturbing habit of moaning in his sleep.

The next morning Haldir was awakened to Legolas slapping his face. “You wouldn’t answer the door, so I just came in,” he explained. “Get up or we will be late!”

“WHAT?” shouted Haldir. He pulled earplugs from his ears.

“Why are you sleeping with those, dummy,?” asked Legolas.

“Because,” yelled the infuriated Haldir. “Someone kept me awake all night!”

“Who?’ asked Legolas, genuinely confused. Haldir gave him a furious look and pushed him out of the room so he could get dressed.

At breakfast, the elves steered clear of the now very angry rangers. After they had all eaten, the captain made an announcement.

“Today we are visiting a deserted island,” he paused to let everybody oooh and ahhh. “Now, I want all the group to stay close together. We don’t want anyone left behind now, do we? We are going to use the buddy system.” A stewardess handed ever pair of people the same color of wristbands.

“I feel like a prisoner,” complained Haldir. He had chosen Legolas to be his ‘buddy’ over a snotty little girl who had not ceased to wave at him throughout the whole meal. A gasp drew his attention to Legolas. The miserable elf, in a fit of anger of having been stuck with Haldir, had tied the band too tight and cut off all blood flow to his hand, which was now turning a dreadful shade of purple.

“I’m dying!’ squawked Legolas. The stewardess sighed and snipped off the offending band. She tied another one to him.

“What we are going to do,” continued the captain. “Is call out the different colors at the end of the day and make sure everyone is here. Is everyone ready?”

“No!” shrieked Legolas and Haldir, racing back to their cabins to collect the necessary items. They skidded back to the dining room just as everyone was filing to the boats.

“This is so exciting!” giggled Legolas, tightly grasping a bag of suntan lotion and his swim trunks, which were embroidered with his name and spotted with hearts.

“I plan to get a suntan,” said Haldir, adjusting his sunglasses and removing his watch.

“Copycat,” whined Legolas shoving Haldir. Haldir gave him an infuriating grin. ‘I’m older, so ha, ha.”

“No!” howled Legolas. “I am! When is your birthday?”

Haldir shrugged. “Oh, sometime in the Second Age. I lose track.”

“Oh, you are such a baby,” smirked Legolas. “Everyone was born in the Second Age.” He looked around at the amazed crowed of Men. “Well, O.K. not everyone, but practically everyone. And I’m still older.” He huffed, and pushed his way to the other side of the boat.

“Stay together!” blared the loudspeaker. Legolas ignored it and sat down at the very edge. A few moments later, a scream was heard accompanied by a ‘Phzzzzz’ of a deflating raft. Legolas disappeared and then a few seconds later, popped up on the other side of the raft.

“Haldir, you moron!” he screamed. “This is not the time for jokes,” he added, trying to sound sophisticated. Haldir ignored him and told the crowd in a stage whisper, “He’s crazy!” Legolas grasped a fistful of Haldir’s hair and Haldir went down. After a few hard pulls, Legolas left and went to the other side of the raft and sat shivering. Suddenly, the ends of Haldir’s blonde hair began to smoke. Screaming, he hung his head into the water. Legolas looked around and smiled. “He’s crazy,” he told the horrified crowd.

A few minutes later, they reached the island. Haldir used his elven powers to make Legolas fall out of the boat. Shaking salt water from his hair, the elf promptly tripped Haldir, causing him to smash head first into the sand. Stepping on top of him, Legolas made his way to the shore and began applying sunscreen. Everyone was amazed at all the different kinds of sunscreen.

“This,” explained Legolas to a shocked tourist. “Is lotion for my nose,” he pulled out another bottle. “for my ears, the rest of my face, my upper arm, my lower arms and my legs. This goes all over to give me a balanced tan.” He grinned and tied up his hair in a ponytail. As everyone started to branch out, Haldir and Legolas went to find the perfect spot to layout.

“Sheesh,” groaned Legolas 20 minutes later. “Will you make up your mind?” Haldir could not seem to find the right tanning spot. At last, he picked the most deserted part.

“It’s not like we haven’t come this way a million times before,” Legolas was sulky because all his sunscreen was melting off. They spread out their huge, fluffy towels and made themselves comfortable. Legolas promptly set his timer for re-application of sun screen, every 30 minutes, and another timer for flip-over, every 5 minutes. They began to doze off. Haldir was so exhausted from lack of sleep the night before, that he failed to hear the bullhorn calling all the guests back and he had stuffed earplugs in his ears to drown out the sound of Legolas’s timers. Legolas didn’t hear either because he had sunscreen in his ears. The ship slowly pulled away, leaving two, sun burnt elves alone on the beach.

Aboard the ship, the captain began to take role. “Pink,” he called out. The Gothic rangers grinned at each other. Pink was Legolas and Haldir’s color of wristband and the rangers knew very well that they were back in the island.

“Here!” called one of the Goth. The captain checked the name off. All hope was now lost for the unlucky elves.

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“I’m so worried about Legolas and Haldir,” fretted Arwen. “I really hope they are having a good time.”

“Don’t worry about it,” said Aragorn lazily grabbing another handful of popcorn. “They’re probably enjoying that nice, air conditioned stateroom or relaxing while getting a massage.”

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“AHHHH!” screamed Legolas. He ran up and down the shore frantically, screaming and waving his arms. Haldir tried to be sensible. “Maybe if we scream together, they will hear,” he pointed to the now ant sized ship. ‘One, two, three!”

“WAAAAAAA!” they screamed but to no avail.

“Smoke signals,” gasped the now desperate Haldir. Legolas fell to his knees, grabbed two pieces of driftwood and began blowing on them.

“You are supposed to rub them together, you idiot.”

“You!” Legolas launched himself at Haldir. “You had your stupid earplugs in and it’s your fault!”

“Calm down, sunscreen ears.” That was a bad mistake because Legolas hit Haldir with all his might. Haldir bit Legolas’s arm and they fell to the sand tearing each other apart. When they ran out of energy to fight any more, Haldir had another idea.

“Maybe if we wave our shirts, they’ll see and rescue us!” For 10 minutes, they stood waving their shirts and howling at the top of their lungs.

“I know,” said Haldir. “I have a flashlight. I’ll shine the light and you can run on the beam until you reach the ship.”

Legolas stared at him with unbelief. “I can’t believe you think I would fall for something so lame. I know you would so shut off the light and I would fall in.”

“The blonde leading the blonde.” A slurry voice came from below them.

“Who said that?” asked Legolas indignantly. “If that was you Haldir, I’m going to hurt…” The ground began to shake under their feet.

“Ahhhh!” screeched Haldir. “Earthquake!”

“Run for shelter!” Howled Legolas, who grabbed a palm tree and hung on for dear life. The board, which they had been standing on, began to lift. A hand and a rum bottle came out. Legolas howled and closed his eyes waiting for certain death.

“Wa…what?” the confused, darkly lined eyes of a stranger popped out of the opening. Relieved that it wasn’t a ghost, balrog or warg, Legolas grew angry.

“What are you doing here?” he asked crossly. “Can’t you see we are trying to escape?’ He began to wave his shirt again. The dark eyes of the stranger squinted at Legolas. Legolas grew nervous.

“You’re a pirate.” He gasped

“You look somewhat familiar, have I threatened you before? The stranger asked.

“I make a point of avoid… Whoa” Legolas blinked suddenly ” I have like total déja vu”.

Haldir crept out from behind a bush trembling. “Do yy-you know this guy?” he asked.

“I don’t think so,” Legolas said hoping he wasn’t going crazy. “Who are you?”

“Captain Jack Sparrow, if you please,” the stranger beamed, showing golden teeth.

“J…J…Jack Sp…Sparrow?” gasped Legolas. “You’re my biggest fan! I mean I’m your biggest fan. You are my hero! ‘Cept Aragorn of course.”

“Aragorn?” asked the stranger.

“Aragorn is king and kind of my dad, well not really my dad, I mean…” babbled Legolas.

“Be quiet,” frowned Haldir. “Maybe this native can help us got off the island.” He turned to Jack. “Can you help us off?” he asked, enunciating and speaking slowly, because he didn’t think Jack could understand. Jack gave him a bland look.

“For one thing, I am not a native here. I was banished here.”

“Ahhh!” shrieked Haldir. “A criminal!” Jack gave him a dark look. “I am not a criminal. The first mate of my ship dumped me here to die.”

“Gee, that’s rough,” sympathized Haldir. As he and Jack made the introductions, they were suddenly interrupted by a loud growl. They turned to Legolas who flushed bright red. “What? I’m starving,” he snapped defensively.

Several minutes later, they were sitting around a fire, started by Jack’s flint, and were eating roasted bananas and coconut.

“…and so Eomer told me that if I kept ransacking his room, he was going to throw me off the top level of Minas Tirith. And then I said…”

Haldir sighed. “Legolas, Mr. Sparrow does not want your life story!”

Legolas stopped, hurt. “What? I was just…”

“Go get us more bananas, please.” Sighed Haldir. Grumbling, Legolas did so. Jack leaned back against a log and sighed contently. “Anyone want to hear a song?”

“Oooh!” yelled Legolas. ” I know one!’ he began to sing a slow elvish song. Jack rolled his eyes. “I was thinking something like this!” He stood up and began waltzing around the fire. ” We’re devils, we banshees, we’re really bad eggs, drink up me hardies, yo ho, yo ho a pirates life for me!”

“Oooh! Teach me that!” cried Legolas and Haldir together. A seagull flew over head a little while later and saw three figures, their shadows bouncing off the palm trees, spinning around a fire singing “Yo, ho, yo,ho a pirates life for me!!” at the top of their lungs.

“That’s it,” cried Legolas flopping down on the sand, exhausted but jubilant. “I am so becoming a pirate. Don’t I get to wear a ton of jewelry?”

“I’ve always wondered what I wanted to be when I grew up,” said Haldir.

“But don’t I have to pierce my ears?” frowned Legolas. “I really don’t think Aragorn will let me.”

“So, is it fun to be a pirate?” asked Haldir, trying to braid his hair like Jack’s hair.

“Being a pirate means freedom,” Jack explained. “But what really makes a pirate is his ship.”

“Oh,” said Legolas. “So, where do you buy the ships?”

Jack guffawed. “You don’t buy a ship, boy. Er…elf. You steal ’em!”

“Steal?” Legolas looked worried. “Arwen said it’s wrong to steal.”

Jack shrugged. “Yeah, maybe it is, but when you need one, you need one. Whose this Arwen you keep quoting?” he asked.

“Ahem” Legolas cleared his throat preparing for a long description.

“She’s a queen”. Haldir explained. “Aragorn’s wife.” Legolas looked disgruntled. He wanted to tell a full poetic description of Arwen.

“She is kind of Legolas’s royal nanny,” smirked Haldir pulling Legolas’s hair. Legolas jerked away.

“She is not my nanny,” he sulked. “Loser,” he added.

“Whoa,” said Jack waving his hands. ‘I don’t want to be stuck in the middle of a catfight. Calm down you two.” He stretched out. “Time to sleep.” Legolas’s mouth dropped.

“Without any blankets?” he gasped. Jack raised an eyebrow.

“If you see any around, please tell me,” he commented dryly.

Legolas blushed but determined to have a blanket, the elf hung on a huge banana leaf until it broke and covered himself with it as best as he could.

Haldir was jealous at Legolas’s good idea but was determined not to show it. He wrapped his Hawaiian cloak about him and buried himself in the sand and attempted to go to sleep. Jack was snoring within 2 minutes but the elves lay awake.

“Haldir?” whispered Legolas.

“What?”

“Are you asleep?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, sorry.”

Haldir pulled himself up on one elbow. “Can’t you sleep?” A sniffle came from Legolas.

“I’m homesick!” he wailed. Jack heard and groaned. Having an emotional elf with him was not fun. He listened to Legolas sob for a while and then tosses him a lump of chewing tobacco.

“Here kid,” he said. “Chew this. It’ll make you feel better.”

“Thank you,” gulped Legolas. He chewed on it for a while and then fell asleep. Right after he did that, Haldir and Jack knew that they weren’t going to get any sleep that night. Obviously being in a strange place made Legolas mutter, grind his teeth, squirm and moan in his sleep. At first it was tolerable with Legolas just smacking his lips and softly snoring but as the night progressed, he took to moaning, hitting Haldir, and throwing sand. At one point, he actually stood up and had a debate with the palm tree next to the trio. Jack grew so disgusted that he grabbed the elf, wrestled him down and tied a bandana around his mouth. At last some silence settled over the trio – except for Haldir’s hiccupping.

Part 3

Haldir awoke the next morning shivering. All the sand had blown off of him during the night. Jack sat up and yawned. He poked Legolas awake.

“All right, boys,” he said. “I’ve got me a plan. But it’s going to take hard work and contribution from the both of ye.” The elves’ faces fell at the mention of hard work but they were determined to get off the island. Jack took a deep breath and began. “I got off this island in the same way a few years ago. Nobody believed me that I got off of this like that but it worked. I used sea turtles.”

“Sea turtles?” asked Haldir, skeptically.

“Aye, seat turtles.” Answered Jack. “Lashed ’em together and made a raft. ”

“What did you use for rope?” asked Legolas suspiciously.

“Human hair,” grinned Jack.

Haldir gasped.

“From my back,” smirked Jack.

Legolas looked ill.

“Don’t worry mates. We’ll just use your hair. Ye got plenty of it.”

“My hair!” squeaked Legolas. “M…my new weave!” He fingered the ends of his once blonde (now dyed black) tresses.

“O.K.,” Jack got down to business. “We need to wade into the shallows and wait for about oh, three days.”

“Th…three days?” gasped Haldir. “But my skin will shrivel.”

Jack ignored him. “Once we get the turtle, we drag them up on the land and lash ’em together.”

“Do we have to do it now?” complained Legolas. “I wanted to lay out.”

Jack shrugged. “You can do it when ever you like.”

“O.K.!” grinned Legolas. “I want to take pictures too.” He rummaged in his hot- pink colored bag and brought out a camera and lots of film.

“All right, Jack stand by that tree and hold the rum bottle in your hand, no a little to the left. Haldir! Get out of the picture! Steady, oh darn, the flash is on. Wait till it’s finished. O.K. Don’t move and…”

Legolas kneeled, then decided he didn’t like the angle so he leaned to the right, he lay on his stomach but nothing could satisfy the determined elf. Finally, as Jack was making annoying sounds in his throat, Legolas snapped the picture.

“Finally,” frowned Haldir. He rubbed some more sunscreen on himself and flopped down on his towel to lay out. Jack frowned.

“You lay out?” he asked.

“Um-hm,” grinned Haldir. “I plan to get a perfect tan.”

“Please,” snorted Legolas. “I am so going to get a good tan while you burn.”

“No!” yelled Haldir and the two elves started squabbling. Jack rolled his eyes and gave a huge sigh.

“Well I have a better tan then both of you put together, anyway.” He growled. Neither elf could deny that fact. Jack was perfectly tanned and not a burnt spot on him. Legolas sulked.

“I don’t think that’s any fair that some people tan way better than others,” he griped. Jack tried to console the crabby elf.

“Think of it this way,” he said. “I don’t have blonde hair.”

Legolas brightened up. “That’s true! I really do have blonde hair but I dyed it black so Haldir wouldn’t recognize me.”

“Funny that I did recognize you,” smirked Haldir. “I recognize that huge nose a mile away.”

Legolas would have smashed Haldir’s head in if Jack had not intervened.

“Legolas,” he said sternly. “March to the other side of the island and sit there until you have cooled off. Haldir, start cleaning out the fire pit. You two are worse than bloody Elizabeth!”

Legolas, looking confused about being compared to this Elizabeth, stalked away and Haldir angrily began his job. Jack leaned back and chewed on a blade of sea grass. ‘How on earth am I ever going to get these two to get along?” he thought. By noon, both elves were in reasonably good spirits and were able to talk to each other without fighting. Proud of his efforts, Jack hummed a sea chantey and told the two elves pirate tales. Legolas was pale by the end of the tale of “Cannibal Craig” and said he was going to lie down because of his upset stomach. Haldir tried to be brave and said he liked the story.

“I…uh, think the name Craig is…nice?” He swallowed hard.

Jack seemed pleased to have caused such grief. ‘You two are worse than Elizabeth.”

“Who’s that?” asked Legolas, curious.

Jack shook his dark head. “You don’t want to know mate,” he shuddered. “The very name of her freezes the blood of the fiercest commodore,” he said darkly.

“Is she a pirate?” asked Haldir.

“Nah, just a wanna-be,’ replied Jack.

Legolas scratched his head. “Why does that name sound so familiar?”

Jack grinned mysteriously and continued weaving out one of the dreaded tales of the girl. Suddenly, he was interrupted by a scream.

“She’s got my toe!” bellowed Legolas, waving his arms.

“What?” Jack was bewildered and then saw that an enormous sea turtle had latched onto the big toe of the miserable prince.

“Legolas, it’s just a sea turtle,” chuckled Jack.

“Take it off,” moaned Legolas, grasping Haldir’s arm in hysterical agony. He weakly batted at the turtle making it bite harder. Jack squeezed the turtle’s jaw and it released the toe. Legolas clutched at his toe, checking for blood. When he found none, he glared balefully at the turtle.

“Stupid orc,” he sulked. Jack looked confused but suddenly snickered. Legolas’s carefully applied French manicure had been scratched off. Legolas followed his gaze and fell to the sand weeping.

“Well, there’s one,” grinned Jack referring to the turtle.

“Maybe we can stick Legolas’s toe in again and see how many we can catch,” giggled Haldir. “I think turtles like ugly French Manicures.”

“Funny, Haldir,” sulked Legolas giving Haldir a shove. Haldir stumbled backwards and landed on…a sea turtle!

“Whoa!” cried Jack. “I think you two have a special ability!”

Since Legolas was “out of commission” as he liked to put it, he stayed on one side of the island digging a hole to keep the turtles in while Haldir and Jack went searching for more of the creatures.

Several days went by and Legolas became distressed at the amount of baby-sitting he had to do.

“Legolas!” called Jack. “Remember to feed the turtles!”

“Stupid jerks don’t need food,” said Legolas, feeling sorry for himself as he pushed another turtle back into the hole. Bandages made from strips of Haldir’s towel (Legolas used it without permission) covered his fingers and toes. His only consolation as that his black hair was starting to fade. He looked ancient now because of the sickly gray color his hair was turning. This caused a never-ending source of amusement for Haldir. Finally, the last five turtles were caught. It had been a month since they first arrived in the island. Though he didn’t want to admit it, Legolas was having a blast – minus the sea turtles. Haldir and Legolas were actually beginning to get along and they were finally beginning to look like pirates with their tans, jewelry made from grass and shells (Haldir even had a shark’s tooth on his necklace) bandanas made from the towels, which were now faded to a weird shade of pink. Legolas and Haldir had even convinced Jack to let him pierce their ears and Jack had borrowed borrow them a few extra earrings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aragorn winced as Arwen burst into a fresh sob. The Ranger had brought them the news that Legolas and Haldir were not on board.

“What do you supposed happened to precious Leggy?” sobbed Arwen.

“I’m very sorry, your highness,” said the policemen. “I have searched the entire place.

“There has to be a logical explanation,” scowled Aragorn. “Two elves don’t just disappear from a cruise line!”
“Unless they threw each other over board,” said Eomer ‘helpfully’.

“Stop being so morbid,” gasped Aragorn, his eyes getting watery with emotion. He ordered questioning of every passenger aboard and went to talk to the captain. Arwen was there first.

“What did you do with my baby?” she shrieked, clutching the captain’s throat.

“Arwen,” soothed Aragorn. “Why don’t you sit outside? I’ll talk to the captain.” The captain was frantically wondering why a couple would send their baby on a cruise line.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Well I think today is the day,” said Jack triumphantly as he recounted the turtles. Legolas looked up from his reflection in the water.

“Day for what?” he asked setting the eyeliner down and rapidly blinking his eyes.

“The day to get off this island” said Jack proudly snatching the eyeliner from Haldir’s hand.

“Where’s the rope?” he asked. Legolas and Haldir regretfully rubbed the balding spots on the back of their heads.

“I’ll get it,” volunteered Legolas. He stepped down into the rum cache and came up with two empty rum bottles filled with hair. Jack instructed them how to braid the hair to make rope. Three hours later, the rope was completed.

“Where are we going?” asked Legolas, wrestling with one of the turtles.

“Oh, just a little place called Tortuga,” Jack grinned slyly.

“Not more turtles,” moaned Haldir.

“Turtles?” asked Legolas, who didn’t know a speck of Spanish.

“Skip it,” said Jack, eager to be off. Legolas insisted on bringing all his suntan lotion and remnants of his makeup; Haldir brought all the baskets he had woven out of palm tree branches and Jack brought enough rum to go around.

“Bye!” Legolas waved frantically at the island. “I’ll come again.” He sobbed. “I miss the island already.” Haldir groaned.

“Legolas, we are still on shore.”

“Whatever,” snarled the emotional elf. They got themselves situated on the turtles and slowly pulled away. A few days later, Jack yelled, “Tortuga, dead ahead!” Legolas pushed the palm tree leaf away and sat up, bleary eyed. He took a swig of rum.

“Stop that,” scolded Jack slapping the bottle away. “you’ll get yourself sick.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Whoa Haldir!’ cheered Legolas. “That was so awesome the way you gave the guy an uppercut and swiped his keys. Of course, it wasn’t nearly as cool as my Smash-in-Face-and-Push-Over.”

“I don’t usually commandeer ships like that,” admitted Jack. “But it worked.”

“Gentlemen, the ship is ours.” Said Legolas for the fiftieth time. “Can I be first mate?”

“No I am,” argued Haldir.

“I’ll have two first mates,” said Jack agreeably. They had commandeered a small but fast, high tech and “fashionable” (as Legolas put it), ship in Tortuga and were sailing off to Laketown.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“The memorial service is tomorrow,” Eowyn informed Eomer.

“Really?” sniffed Eomer, regretting every harsh word he had ever said. They were all standing on the pier at Laketown sobbing and saying their last good-byes to the unfortunate little elves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Does my eyeliner look O.K.?” asked Legolas.

“Um-hm,” Jack was pleased that they had got the makeup right.

Legolas anxiously twirled one of his dreadlocks and helped Haldir re-tie his bandana.

“I’m so nervous,” he said as they approached Laketown.

“Why?” asked Jack.

“I haven’t seen them in so long. What if they’re happy I’m gone?”

His lower lip trembled. Suddenly, a soft elven chant came floating over the water.

“Isn’t it pretty?” said Legolas, desperately homesick.

“What are they saying?” asked Jack curiously. Legolas listened hard and then translated,

“Oh farewell, dear long lost friends
Whom the sea has taken
Oh farewell Legolas and Haldir…”

“What?” frowned Haldir. “We ain’t dead.”

“That’s what they are saying. It must be a memorial service for some other Legolas and Haldir lost at sea.” Said Legolas logically.

“I don’t think so,” frowned Jack. Suddenly a pier came into view. Jack snatched his telescope.

“What do you see?” asked Legolas.

“Some lady with funky ears like you…”

Legolas looked cross. “My ears are not funky.”

“Some guy in armor. Is this a battle? Oh, there’s a guy with kinda long hair and…whoa!” Jack dropped the telescope.

“What do you see?” Legolas was terrified.

“A really scary lady. Two scary ladies.” Haldir snatched the telescope. “Oh it’s just Galadriel and Eowyn…ahhh! They’re all standing there! This is so embarrassing. What, that Faramir! He’s throwing flowers in the water! What a waster. Wait, is he crying? Legolas, give me your camera. I must take pictures.” Legolas was already snapping pictures left and right.

“Why do they all have mutated ears?” asked Jack.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Aragorn tossed the last flower in and looked up. His brow furrowed. Was he really seeing a pirate ship? Was that a pirate flag with…elf ears?

“I am so hallucinating,” he muttered and blew his nose. Suddenly a shout came from the boat.

“Hey!!” bellowed a voice that sounded oddly like Legolas. A rowboat was let down at the side.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Bye Jack,” wailed Legolas. “Send us postcards!” Sobbed Haldir. Jack clapped them on the shoulders and sent them off.

“Yo, ho, yo, ho!” cheered Jack. Legolas and Haldir caught on and began singing the rest of the song as they rowed toward shore.

“Do you think they’ll believe us?” asked Haldir.

“Probably not. But after all how would two blondes get off an island by themselves.” Asked Legolas.

“Your right,” agreed Haldir.

“As usual,’ smirked Legolas, trying to smile like Jack.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“How rude,” snarled Eowyn. “Interrupting a funeral.” She glared at the approaching figures.

“Drink up me hardies, yo ho!” Legolas was a tad tipsy. Haldir replied with a hiccup.Aragorn watched amazed as two odd looking pirates waltzed up to him.

“I missed you so much,” the shorter pirate hurled himself at Aragorn.

“Leggy!” screeched Arwen racing up.

“Leggy?” frowned the taller pirate. “Hey Aragorn!” Legolas’ mascara was begining to smear. Wait till you hear our story.” he said jubilantly. “Right Haldir?”

*The End*