The Child Within by Jesus__Freak
Disclaimer: As you should know, I do not own the LotR in anyway! All those brilliant ideas came from the genius Tolkien! And I am not Tolkien, obviously! But I do own Maeg.so HA!!!
Prologue
The sun was a dull orange as it painted the sky with its gay color. The tall, golden grass danced in the light breeze of sunset. Open plains were like oceans painted with gold, a never ending depth of beauty. Days they had traveled. Running from Gondor and its perils, they were making their slow way towards Rohan for safety.
“Let us rest, Men of Gondor!” the captain of this long caravan of desperate people called as he rode his black stallion through the throngs of people.
Maegraukowen searched for Donanto, her soldier husband. Huffing with weariness, Maeg encircled her bulging stomach with her slender hands as she tramped, barefoot, through the grass. “Donanto!” Maeg cried; sweat trickling down her dirty face, her long, blond hair flying in the wind. “Maeg, what is it?” a tall, dark-haired man said, walking up to Maeg. Maeg threw her scraggly arms around her husbands’ muscled neck. “Nothing, I just wanted to make sure you were not the scout,” Maeg whispered fiercely into Donanto’s tanned ear. Donanto smiled in amusement and laid his hand gently on his small wife’s stomach. “Don’t worry; Ardon has everything under control,” Donanto said soothingly. Ardon, the captain, still rode through people calling to them with his mighty voice.
Maeg smiled in relief as she followed her husband to his white horse which held most of their belongings. “How long before they notice we have fled?” Maeg asked her husband who was taking a sip of cool water. Donanto looked to his frail wife, his blue eyes clouding over. “I fear they have already caught whiff of our trail,” Donanto murmured, his shoulders sagging. A great fear climbed into Maeg’s stomach, and her heart rose to her throat. “What are we going to do? We all know we cannot out run them!” Maeg cried in anguish, grabbing onto her husbands arm in fear. “I don’t-” Donanto began before a piercing scream ripped through the air. Maeg turned swiftly to see a young girl, running up the grassy hill towards them. The young brunette was blood covered and her face was pale. “Wynna! What has happened?” captain Ardon ran forward, grasping the girls arms in his big hands. “Orcs!” Wynna cried with fear before she collapsed onto the hard earth.
Screams and fearful cries filled the air as the women grabbed their children and huddled together, covering the faces with their shaking hands.
“Do not panic!” Ardon said strongly, standing firm, raising his arm to get the peoples attention. “We must stick together. Women, grab your children and head north-west as fast as you can, do not look back!” With those words of authority, the women picked up their children and lifted their skirts and fled down the hill towards the towering mountains which separated them from the Gap of Rohan.
All the men of Gondor lifted their swords and jumped onto their steeds, sweat pouring from their nervous faces. “Maeg, you must go, quickly!” Donanto pleaded as he jumped onto his horse with agility. Maeg clenched her fists together in resistance. “I shall not leave you!” Maeg cried, tears spilling forth streaking down her cheeks. “Think of our child, Maegraukowen! Go, now!” Donanto yelled before he kicked the horse in the side and flew off with the other men, leaving Maeg standing alone. “Donanto!” Maeg screamed before a hand grabbed her shoulder. “Come, Miss Maeg, we must flee!” An old woman said with passion as she led Maeg down the hill in haste.
The Orcs’ yells and stomping feet could be heard as the women and children swiftly made their way towards the looming mountains. Maeg looked back several times, trying to see what was going on, but Eonin, the old lady, pulled on her arm to continue.
The sun was almost entirely hidden, and the stars began shimmering through the sky. It shall be dark soon. We shall be helpless! Maeg thought as she watched the last ray of sun vanish.
Before long, women were falling over in weariness and coughing with burning lungs. Maeg looked around her at all the crying children and the coughing mothers. “Stop! We shall take a break,” Maeg ordered, helping Eonin to the ground before going to a small baby. “Here, Anwon, hold her like this,” Maeg instructed to the young mother. “Maegraukowen, where do we go from here?” Anwon asked, trying to comfort the crying baby by rocking her.
Maeg looked to the mountains and then back to Anwon. “We shall do what Ardon was planning; we shall cross by that winding path through those two mountains and make it to the other side, the Gap of Rohan. There we shall seek help for our husbands!” Maeg informed. “Maeg!”
Maeg whirled to the crying voice and with fear and panic, saw Eonin being shot by a swift arrow to the back. “No!” Maeg screamed as she looked up to the hill and saw many Orcs in their warrior paint and their long spears. Anwon cried in horror before she jumped up and started for the mountain path. “Stop, Anwon!” Maeg cried, but not before an Orc saw her first and shot an arrow into Anwon’s red head, her blood pouring from the small incision.
The Orcs then took that as a sign and began stomping their way down the hill with shrill cries and clanking of armor. “Go towards the path, everyone!” Maeg yelled before she started for the path herself, her legs burning, her breath coming short. Tears burned her eyes and blurred her vision as Maeg stumbled along the rocky ground, forcing her legs to keep going. Her shaking hands held her heavy stomach with protection. Maeg was the first woman to reach the opening of the path, and she swiftly turned to look upon a horrible scene.
All her friends and all the small children were being slain. Orcs jumped on the women, stabbed the young girls, and severed children’s heads with gory wickedness. Screams of pain and horror filled the night air as Maeg watched from her stand, the gruesome massacre of her people. “Is that all of them?” a scruffy Orc with yellow eyes and crooked teeth asked with a raspy voice. Maeg ducked behind the rock edge, certain the Orcs would be able to see her bulging stomach. Holding her breath, Maeg listened intently to what would be said. “Yes. Now let’s get out of here before those dim-witted Rohan Riders come!” another Orc called as he pulled his spear from a blood and gnashed face of his victim.
Maeg listened as the Orcs tramped through the dead bodies, laughing or boasting about their kills.
Maeg stood stock-still for several minutes until she was sure she was alone. Slowly, her blonde head appeared from behind the rock, and she saw all the women and children lying on the floor in puddles of their own blood; but no Orcs.
Maeg collapsed onto her weak knees and covered her face with her soiled hands and sobbed, her whole body shaking from the violent cries.
****Hey people! This is my second fic and I need feedback! I will not add on until I get reviews because I don’t want to have to go through all this writing if no one even reads it! So please, Review!!!!!!!
30 Comments
This is great!! very well written! cant wait til next chapter:-) *hugs*
Except for paragraphing and a few grammer mistakes, I must say this is not bad, but do make the plot a little more interesting.=)
Beautifully done, lovely, intruiging, inspiring. wow!!! Very nice. Do continue, please. I would love to read more. Very sad though. All those women and children being slaughtered. I love Kids. But all in all, very well done.
Oh, I can’t wait to see what happens next!!
Hallo! OK – beautiful, captivating imagery at the beginning; a very good way to start off a story is by using such a device as a paragraph of good, solid, descriptive writing.
For an opening chapter, the ideas in here are good and fresh, with suitable angst – though I will say that it was slightly confusing when speech was involved. Having the words of one person and then another on the same line makes it a challenge for the reader, like, for example, the extract below…
~
Maeg looked to the mountains and then back to Anwon. “We shall do what Ardon was planning; we shall cross by that winding path through those two mountains and make it to the other side, the Gap of Rohan. There we shall seek help for our husbands!” Maeg informed. “Maeg!”
Maeg whirled to the crying voice and with fear and panic, saw Eonin being shot by a swift arrow to the back.
~
Instead of that solid block of text, it might be better if you were to have something a little more like this…
~
Maeg looked to the mountains and then back to Anwon. “We shall do what Ardon was planning; we shall cross by that winding path through those two mountains and make it to the other side, the Gap of Rohan. There we shall seek help for our husbands!” Maeg informed.
“Maeg!”
Maeg whirled to the crying voice and with fear and panic, saw Eonin being shot by a swift arrow to the back.
~
The seperation of the speech makes it easier for the reader to see that there are, in fact, two people, rather than Maeg calling her own name.
Understand that I am not flaming you in the slightest, just offering you a hand, that is all. You have wonderful potential in this fic, and I shall be revisiting to read your next chapter. I still say kudos to you for that beautiful beginning!
Lindir
Lindir
*swears in a rather colourful manner* Well, that didn’t work at all, and totally destroyed what I was trying to say – I shall send you a PM instead…
Lindir
Kudos to you! Yes, ’tis me. Said I’d be back – he he he… Now that was a very well done chapter – I see that you’ve amended the speech in one line thingy – wonderful that you heeded my advice. Loved the description in this, beautifully done, and I’m looking forward to the next chapter! ~ Lindir
Good story! very well written, I like it alot keep writing!!!!!
Oh, I want to know what happens next!! ADD ANOTHER CHAPPY, AND QUICK!!
Hey,
This is a GR8 story! Keep it up!
This is a review. NO CONTINUE THE STORY!!
*now
Very good. I like it, hurry up and write the next chapter, pleez
I really like your story ….. write more!! …… please
I like it! You MUST write more…I’ll be closely following the story! Aragorn still loves Arwen, though…right? Just checkin, cause he was lookin at Maeg and then thinking about some one else…then Eoywn hasn’t even come in yet, if at all…but it is VERY good! Keep writin!
OMG OMG OMG! KEEP WRITING! I may die if you don’t! OH SO good! I LUV it! I can’t wait to read what happens next! Keep up the good work!
I really am enjoying this. you did good! Please update soon!
Suilad!
I really like your story. Great plot, good character impersonations, and incredible writing. I also like the intensness of some of the parts.I only have 2 questions, is there going to be another chapter, and does Maeg find her husband alive?
That was REALLY good. I laughed, I cried (well almost anyway), it moved me.
~Chelsea~ (OBIRC)
This is an interesting story… I’m on the edge of my seat… Please update soon!
I am really liking this story. Keep up the good work! 😀
Please continue, it’s rather interestin’ right now.
YOU-MUST-KEEP-WRITING! AHHH! I can’t wait for the next chapter! I am sooooo hooked on this story! I can’t wait until you finish it…but then…NO! THEN IT’LL BE OVER! LOL! Excuse my hyperness, and keep on writing!
WOW! this is a really cool story! will she find her husband or get re-married? pleaseeeeeeeee keep writing i want to know whats gonna happen!!
Aragorn’s eyes are not green! They’re silvery-grey!!!!!!! But other than that, great! 😉
Kewlio! I LUV it! Keep on writing! I wannw know what happens next! HE HE! Must-read-more! :);):)
EEEEEE!!!!! I LOVED IT!!!! SOOOOOOOOOO SAD, though. i LOVED IT dude! i have been reading it ever since you started it, and i can hardly belive it’s over. it was so amazing, dude! SOOOOOOOOOO COOL!!! DOUBLE EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! *starts bawling cuz the story is over*
this is a lovely story…I read it all yes, it took me two days for I was continually interupted! but it is beautiful, but why did you have to kill her off? oh well-I guess it adds to the story but I think you should have added more detail to the end.
DesertElf
keep writing more stuff like this please.
dude!!! why the @#$% did you kill off your main charactor?! That’s brave, man. soo sweeet. I thought you had a nice plotline developing, and stuffs, but you really need to work on puntuation and dialogue (placement and structure.) I love Eowyn, and any chance I get to watch her interacting with anybody, no matter how small a role, is awesome. Keep it up! Refine your work, and keep on plodding!
wow………..*tear* its a beautifl story. So sad, yet, so true to what was going on in Rohan in that time. You captured the emotions of the characters extremely well! Great job! Keep on writing!!!!