The Commandeering of the Cursed Aztec Gold Ring With a Black Pearl

*Rivendell, Council of Elrond, round table with the ring in the center*
Bilbo: I started this and I suppose I’ll finish it!
Frodo: I will take it.
Legolas: You have my bow.
Boromir: And my sword.
Gimli: And my axe.
Fangirl: (appears out of nowhere) You can have me. (Elrond glares, she disappears)
Aragorn: I will-
Elrond: Oh, this is taking forever! Gandalf you go, ummm- Sam I guess you’d go no matter what, and lets see… Merry, you and Pippin go because they’re gonna need comic relief.
Pippin: Well after all you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission… quest…thing.
Merry: That rules you-
Fangirl: (appears out of nowhere) Then how come Merry’s going? (Elrond glares, she disappears)
Elrond: Bye bye boys have fun destroying the ring
Bilbo: Think it’ll work?
Elrond: It would take a miracle
Bilbo and Elrond: Bye bye!
* Trying to cross mountains*
Boromir: This will be the death of the hobbits!
Gandalf: What?! (cell phone rings, LOTR ring tone)
Legolas: Hey! Who left their cell phone on? Its rude besides it distracts fangirls from drooling and staring at me!
Aragorn: (whispers) Dude, fangirls are staring and drooling at me.
Legolas: nut-uh
Aragorn: uh-huh
Legolas: nut-uh
Aragorn: uh-huh
Legolas: nut-uh
Aragorn: uh-huh
Legolas: nut-uh
Aragorn: uh-huh
Legolas: nut-uh
Aragorn: uh-huh
Legolas: uh-huh
Aragorn: nut-uh
Legolas: Ha! I win!
Aragorn: (glares with unsuppressed hatred at Legolas)
Gimli: Hey will someone please answer that cell phone! I hate that song! It always gets stuck in my head!
Gandalf: Oh! Mine! Sorry! ( answers phone) Gandalf speaking. What’s your problem Boromir? (pause) hold on, I can’t hear you!
Boromir: Can you hear me now?
Gandalf: What?
Boromir: (louder) Can you hear me now?
Gandalf: What?
Boromir: (loudly and slowly) Can. You. Hear. Me. Now?
Gandalf: What!?
Pippin: (to Boromir) He can’t hear you! Shut up!
Boromir: (ignoring pippin) CAN. YOU. HEAR. ME. NOW.?!!!!!!
Gandalf: No.
Boromir: Good. (pause, steps back 4 feet towards edge, this is kinda hard considering the ledge is only 4.0000000000000000000000001 feet wide) how about now?
Aragorn: (is fed up with this insanity, turns to Gandalf and speaks at a normal volume) We’re going the other way.
Gandalf: Oh! Well why didn’t Boromir just say so?
Boromir: Stupid cell phone. (throws it off the mountain)
* Moria door, but for some unexplainable reason, there seems to be a bridge instead*
Old Man: Answer me these questions three, ere the other side you’ll see.
(after much deliberation amongst the fellowship, Gimli pushes Pippin forwards)
Old Man: What is your name?
Pippin: Peregrin Took.
Old Man: What is your quest?
Pippin: To help Frodo complete his mission…quest…thing.
Old Man: What is your favorite line?
Pippin: You need people of intelligence on this sort of mission…quest…thing.
Old Man: (mutters to himself much like Gollum tends to do) Then why are you here? (Louder) All right then carry on. (Gandalf approaches with that “I’m a wizard, I’m all that” attitude) What is your name?
Gandalf: Gandalf The Grey.
Old Man: What is your quest?
Gandalf: To guide the fellowship of the ring to mordor so the ring of power can be destroyed.
Old Man: The creature that caused the dwarves to flee Moria.
Gandalf: What are goblins? (Gimli pantomimes the “awwwww I knew that one” like you do when the guy on Jeopardy gets a really obvious Final Jeopardy question wrong and he bet all his money)
Old Man: Nope! It was a Balrog! (Old Man seems a little too joyful considering Gandalf is about to die; oh and Old Man’s pet balrog shows up and advances across the bridge)
Gandalf: (in his scary wizard voice.) You. Shall. Not. Pass. (balrog continues advancing, uses his fire whip thingy to knock Gandalf off the bridge) Fly you fools!!! (lets go of the edge)
Frodo: Gandalf! (puts the stress on the 2nd “a” i.e. gand-Alf) [as opposed to gandolf, the way most people pronounce it] (merry approaches bridge)
Old Man: What is your name?
Merry: Meriadoc Brandybuck.
Old Man: What is your quest?
Merry: To help Frodo.
Old Man: What is the land speed/velocity of an orc laden with one hobbit?
Merry: (to himself) Well… it would depend on the age of the hobbit and the speed of the orc…and also the weight ratio of the hobbit to orc… and if you calculate the amount of hair on his toes times the amount of hair on his head it should be equal to the amount of pipeweed in his pocket… and you need to know how much the hobbit had eaten… and you need to know the time and date…and how long the orc had been running before acquiring a hobbit… and if you multiply the weight of the orcs armor times the weight of the hobbits pipe.. and you have to factor in if the hobbit wore an elven brooch or not… and if you divide the weight of the orc by the weight of the hobbit and then add the square root of 169 then subtract 13 it should be the weight ratio of hobbit to orc… if the orc was hungry then that subtracts the weight of the hobbits legs… but if the terrain was rocky that means it would be about 10 mph slower… but if the orc smelled man flesh it speeds up about 15 mph…but if the Rohirrim attacked the orcs have to fight back and they lose a couple lives and that sets them back about an hour…. So 37yrs x 20mph (100lbs/257lbs +√169 -13) 158 x 7467976789 x 2 + 187878975893872 lbs – 4 hrs x 50 lbs x 50 oz + 2.5 oz – 10mph + 15 mph – 1 hr………ummm 808/12364? Oh! Duh! (louder to Old Man) Isengardish or Mordorian orc?
Old Man: I don’t know! (Balrog comes back gives Old Man an evil grin) Hey don’t you know not to bite the man that uses you to keep annoying people out of his home?
Sam: That’s don’t bite the hand that feeds you! (balrog eats Old Man)(fellowship crosses bridge)
*leaving Lothlórien*
Frodo: I have a fear of boats…
Legolas: Why?
Frodo: My parents died in a boating accident.
Gimli: Get over it!
Pippin: Hey this bread is good!
Legolas: One bite will fill the stomach of a hobbit. It’s like a full meal.
Pippin: Oh.
Merry: (to Pippin) So what meal are you on Pip?
Pippin: Second breakfast…(long pause)…of next Trewsday.
Sam: Hey Mr. Frodo, where’s Boromir?
Aragorn: These cloaks will shield you from unfriendly eyes.
Merry: (wraps himself in cloak) Can you see me now?
Boromir: No.
Merry: Good. (Stage whisper to Frodo) Hey I think Boromir might be unfriendly.
*in small boats, large ship approaches*
Gimli: (humming Gandalf’s cell phone ring) No! now I have that song stuck in my head!!!!!
Pippin: What song?
Gimli: (hums loudly)
Pippin: Oh, that song! That’s a catchy little tune huh? (long silence in which the rest of the fellowship stars to hum the song)
Merry: Why do you always have to look- I mean ask?
Jack: Everyone stay calm. We’re taking over the ship. (for some unfathomable reason, the small elven boats have become a large ship)
Aragorn: Who are you?
Jack: I am Captain Jack Sparrow and this is my first mate, Will Turner.
Pippin: Hey Legolas, when’d you get a hair cut?
Legolas: What!? Who gave Gimli scissors? (Pause in which Legolas is frantically checking his hair in a mirror) Hey! There’s nothing wrong with my hair!
Merry: Ack! There’s two of them!
Gimli: No! One elf is already too many!
Will: I’m no elf!
Aragorn: (in an attempt to restore order, in his “I am the future king” voice) I’m Aragorn son of Arathorn. This is Gimli son of Gloin, Peregrin Took, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, Boromir son of Denethor and Legolas Greenleaf.
Frodo: Who are they? Why are we on a ship now?
Pippin: Hey, I’m the curious one! I ask the questions!
Boromir: (ignores Pippin) That’s Jack Sparrow and Will Turner.
Jack: (very annoyed) Captain. Captain Jack Sparrow
Merry: Captain of what?
Jack: (in spooky pirate voice) The black pearl.
Pippin: Well I didn’t vote for you!
Will: You don’t vote for captains, you vote for kings.
Aragorn: No no no no, its governors that you vote for, not kings.
Will: Nut-uh!
Legolas: Uh-huh!
Will: Nut-uh!
Legolas: Uh-huh!
Will: Nut-uh!
Legolas: Uh-huh!
Will: Nut-uh!
Legolas: Uh-huh!
Will: Nut-uh!
Legolas: Uh-huh!
Will: Nut-uh!
Legolas: Uh-huh!
Will: Nut-uh!
Legolas: Nut-uh!
Will: Uh-huh!
Legolas: Ha! I win! Again!
Will: (mumbles various pirate curses to himself, kinda like the old man and Gollum mumbled)
Pippin: That’s not nice! You shouldn’t talk about your twin like that!
Gimli: Its ok, its his evil twin
Legolas: (glares at Gimli)
Gimli: That only works for Elrond
Aragorn: (glares at Gimli)
Gimli: And Aragorn
Jack: Hey Frodo, I need your ring.
Frodo: No!
Jack: Do you know what that is?
Frodo: Yes. It’s a gold ring.
Jack: Not just any gold ring. That is a cursed Aztec gold ring with a black pearl. It turns the wearer invisible and draws evil dead guys to you. Contact with it will slowly decay your flesh and corrupt your mind. I remember when Will here had it. It was terrible.
Will: All the fangirls thought I was ugly.
Legolas: Oh I’m so sorry!
Frodo: My ring doesn’t have a black pearl!
Gimli: I’ve heard of a black pearl.
Pippin: There’s no real black pearl.
Merry: I’ve seen it.
Pippin: You’ve seen a ring so evil it was forged by the damned and worn by a man so evil that Hell itself spat him back out?
Merry: No but I have seen a ring with a black pearl.
Pippin: No ring that’s not so evil it was forged by the damned and worn by a man so evil that Hell itself spat him back out could possibly have a black pearl and therefore couldn’t be anything but the cursed Aztec gold ring with a black pearl. Is that what you’re saying?
Merry: No.
Jack: Have you ever had déjà vu?
Legolas: No
Jack: Have you ever had déjà vu?
Will: Whoa! Yeah I’m having déjà vu right now! Awesome!
Jack: (rolls eyes and sighs)
Frodo: Well you pirated the wrong boat.
Jack: Commandeered.
Will: Pirated isn’t a word!
Frodo: Its shire talk.
Gimli: No its not! You just don’t want to admit you messed up.
Frodo: (to Gimli) Shut up!
Jack: So, back to the ring.
Sam: We don’t have it.
Aragorn: He’s right. We don’t have it.
Jack: Well, do you know where it might be?
Legolas: The creature, Gollum has it. I remember he wore a ring with a black pearl in Mirkwood.
Jack: Where might I find this Gollum?
Legolas: I know not.
Sam: Gollum?
Aragorn: Gollum has been following us since Moria.
Jack: So can Will and I stay with you until we find this Gollum?
Frodo: Sure why not?
Aragorn: We make camp on the western shore tonight.
* At camp in Amon Hen. Frodo and Boromir missing. Everyone else sitting around the campfire. *
Aragorn: So what brings you to middle earth?
Jack: The ring. (Merry and Pippin each take a sip of their drink.)
Aragorn: Why exactly do you have to find this ring? (Merry and Pippin each take a sip of their drink.)
Jack: The ring (Merry and Pippin each take a sip of their drink.) will allow me to control the waters of the Caribbean.
Aragorn: Why do you have to control the Caribbean?
Jack: I’m a pirate you idiot! I can use the ring (Merry and Pippin each take a sip of their drink.) to make myself the most feared pirate in the world.
Aragorn: So the ring (Merry and Pippin each take a sip of their drink.) will help you achieve your greatest ambition?
Jack: Yes that’s why I must find the ring (Merry and Pippin each take a sip of their drink.)
Gimli: (has noticed merry and pippin’s game and decides to mess with them) So the ring (Merry and Pippin each take a sip of their drink.) has a black pearl?
Jack: (has also noticed drinking game) Aye. The ring (Merry and Pippin each take a sip of their drink.) has a black pearl.
Will: (has also noticed game- oh, just assume everyone has noticed the game) It’s a very pretty ring. (Merry and Pippin each take a sip of their drink.)
Legolas: What ring? (Merry and Pippin each take a sip of their drink.)
Jack: The cursed Aztec gold ring (Merry and Pippin each take a sip of their drink.) with a black pearl.
Legolas: Oh that ring! (Merry and Pippin each take a sip of their drink.)
Gimli: Yeah, that ring! (Merry and Pippin each take a sip of their drink.)
Aragorn: The ring (Merry and Pippin each take a sip of their drink.) we’ve been talking about for the last five minutes?
Jack: Aye, that’s the ring! (Merry and Pippin each take a sip of their drink.)
Will: The ring (Merry and Pippin each take a sip of their drink.) we’re looking for.
Aragorn: I see. That ring. (Merry and Pippin each take a sip of their drink. Merry passes out.)
Pippin: Ha! I win!
*The woods. Frodo and Boromir*
Boromir: Can I have the ring?
Frodo: No.
Boromir: Can I please have the ring?
Frodo: Nope.
Boromir: Can I pretty please have the ring?
Frodo: Nah.
Boromir: Can I pretty please with sugar on top have the ring?
Frodo: Come on, sugar? That’s it?
Boromir: With sugar and pipeweed and beer and lembes and cookies and cake and fried rice and gummy bears and cream savers and chocolate kisses and popcorn and cheese sticks and cheese cake and brownies and salt pork and skittles on top with sprinkles?
Frodo: Never.
Boromir: (mumbles) Should have offered him death by chocolate. (Tries to take ring) You will give it to Jack Sparrow! You will betray us all!
Jack: (off screen) Captain! It’s Captain Jack Sparrow!
Frodo: (puts on the ring) Ha! Now you cant see me!
Boromir: Stupid ring. (Ominous music starts, see orcs running in background)
Lurtz: Find the halflings!
Orc 1: Hey! Isn’t that a heroic warrior of Gondor?
Orc 2: Can we kill him?
Lurtz: Only if he tries to save the halflings. (Orcs kill Boromir, kidnap Merry and Pippin)
* Boromir’s death scene*
Boromir: They took the little ones.
Jack: Hey, do you have any rum?
Boromir: The halflings had it.
Jack: So, it’s gone?
Aragorn: Yes!
Jack: Why is the rum gone?
Boromir: Shut up! Let me have my dramatic death scene!
Jack: Oh, sorry mate
Boromir: Save Gondor
Jack: Who’s Gondor? Do they have rum? (Aragorn glares) Oh, sorry again mate.
Aragorn: I will save Gondor. I cannot let our people suffer. (Boromir dies)
Legolas: Do we follow Frodo or Merry and Pippin?
Jack: Merry and Pippin have the rum! We follow them!
Gimli: That sounds good.
* Merry and Pippin with the orcs*
Pippin: (singing to the tune of we’re off to see the wizard) We’re off to kill the wizard the evil wizard of Orthanc.
Merry: That doesn’t sound right.
Pippin: You think of something.
Merry: (thinks. Did not get hurt…much) How about (sings to the tune of basket case) do you have the time to listen to me whine about riding an orc to Isengard.
Orc 3: (the one holding Merry) Shut up!
Merry: Why don’t you?
Orc 3: (yells in orcish)
Pippin: What are you saying?
Orc 4: (the one holding Pippin) Shut up!!!
* Frodo and Sam in Emyn Muil*
Frodo: I’m bored. Are we there yet?
Sam: Lets play the license plate game.
Frodo: That rock looks like an “a”.
Sam: That’s an “h”
Frodo: Lets play something else.
Sam: How about I spy?
Frodo: Sure. I spy with my little eye something… gray.
Sam: Gollum?
Frodo: No
Sam: My cloak?
Frodo: No
Sam: Your cloak?
Frodo: No. The rock.
Sam: I spy with my little eye something…green.
Frodo: My brooch.
Sam: You’re good Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: I spy with my little eye something…black.
Sam: The rock?
Frodo: No.
Sam: The gate of Mordor?
Frodo: No
Sam: A ring wraith?
Frodo: No. Your cooking pots.
*Running around Middle Earth*
Jack: (panting hard) Is this…good rum…?
Will: I hope so. Are we there yet?
Aragorn: No.
Will: How about now?
Aragorn: No.
Will: Now?
Aragorn: No!
Gimli: Stop taking my lines!!!!!
Will: Who said they’re your lines?
Gimli: The scriptwriter!
Will: Nut-uh!
Gimli: Uh-huh!
Will: Nut-uh!
Gimli: Uh-huh!
Will: Nut-uh!
Gimli: Uh-huh!
Will: Nut-uh!
Gimli: Uh-huh!
Will: Nut-uh!
Gimli: Uh-huh!
Will: Nut-uh!
Gimli: Uh-huh!
Will: Uh-huh!
Gimli: Nut-uh!
Will: ha! I win!
Legolas: Noooooooo! That’s my trick!!!!
Will: Nut-uh!
Legolas: Uh-huh!
Will: Nut-uh!
Legolas: Uh-huh!
Will: Nut-uh!
Legolas: Uh-huh!
Will: Nut-uh!
Legolas: Uh-huh!
Will: Nut-uh!
Legolas: Uh-huh!
Aragorn: (to Jack, Legolas and Will continue in background) This is gonna be a long trip.
Jack: Especially without the rum. (Aragorn nods)