DIARY OF THE ONE RING.
WRITTEN BY HIMSELF.
PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL.
NOT TO BE READ BY ANYONE (I’m talking to YOU, Witch-King)

Entry 1: Got made. Wheeeeee!

Sauron very nice person. Apparently we’re going to cover the whole of Middle Earth in darkness.

Asked if we could have a light shade of magenta instead. Almost got chucked back into very inhospitable looking volcano for that one. Apparently can not get to big for my boots just cos am Ruling Ring of power.

Boots? Since when did a Ring have boots?

Later…

Sauron looks like deformed robot. Am getting very worried if rust spreads, Ring of Power with rust around the edges *so* not a good look.
Sauron invited nine kings round for tea tonight. Gave them shiny rings WITH JEWELS ON!!! Am sulking.

Entry 2: Head Honcho king came round to complain today. Apparently ever since having rings the kings bodies have taken turn for the worst.

When looked at appeared he had been on the Atkins, but was assured he only likes SlimFast.

Told him all nine kings should chuck rings into big fiery volcano (first right at the Black Gate, straight ahead and turn left, you can’t miss it). THEN will be coolest looking ring.

Was told not to be such a prat, rings too sparkly and “purdy” to throw away.

King bit of a bozo, actually.

Have just been told Osgiliath has fallen. All down to little ol’ me. Wahoo!

Entry 3: Just heard on Mordor Radio that Head Honcho King has given himself new Nick-Name. Is now called Witch-King of Agmar. When came swanning in after lunch, told him that Agmar has very respectable King already, but was told to shut my face. I ask you. Where are people’s manners?

Asked him if I could call him Bob. After long discussion he decided Bobby could be used for family, friends, evil Ring Lords and evil Rings.

Actually think Bobby is ponciest name in history of poncy names, but will not say anything. ‘Bobby’ now knows way to Mount Doom, do not want to give him reason for going there.

All Middle Earth is falling under my power. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Entry 4: Watching Planitir Daily News.

Aaand, YES, another kingdom’s been pillaged, burned and basically having their asses totally kicked because of MEEEEE! Oh, it’s good to be me. Yes it’s good. Being evil TOTALLY ROCKS!!! Must have a nice long polish to celebrate.

Whoa. Whoa! WHOA!!!!!!!

Entry 5: Ok, whose brainless idea was it to RETALIATE????

I mean, I’m the ruling ring of power. Ok, I mean, I’m good, as far as evil goes. So NO-ONE IS MEANT TO RESIST ME!!!!!

And guess who’s leading the attack? Gondorians. I mean, *Gondorians*. Which bright spark thought of putting *them* in charge?

Maybe it was Elrond. That would have made sense. Oh yes. *Elves* are coming too. *Elves*, the pansies, who are always ‘in touch with nature and being the protectors of Middle Earth’.

My life stinks. It really does.

Uh-oh. Messenger Orc just come upstairs. Is going to tell Sauron about retaliation.

Wish I could put fingers in ears, but don’t have fingers. Then again, don’t have ears either, so go figure.

He’s up the stairs. Sauron is NOT going to be happy when this comes out……

Later: Just seen dead orc being flung down the stairs. Yup, Sauron not happy.

Ok, we’re going to kill them! At last! Blood, guts and gore!!! Witch-Kings Ring, eat your heart out!!!! Hahahahahahahaha!!!!! No more Gondorians! NO MORE ELVES!!!! Hah! Victory is just around the corner. EVERYTHING ON THIS EARTH IS GOING TO DIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!

Oh, it’s good to be evil.

On downside, have to be worn on Saurons finger. Is not really a bad thing, but Saurons finger is pretty rusty, and that Brillo pad is NOT something I want to come into contact with again.

Also, gold not really Saurons colour. Cannot believe no-one has ever told him this. But then again, telling someone who has the ability to string you up by your intestines if he wanted to, that his fashion sense has gone slightly out of date, may not be such a good idea.

Entry 6: Boy, you get a really good view from up here. And that Brillo pad has been burnt up!! YAAY!!

On con side, Witch King has not died yet. Or even been slightly mangled. Damn. And as we Ruling Rings can talk to each other, I have to endure the constant talk of Witch Kings Rings gloating, and therefore blocking up my chats with Nenya, gorgeous devil that she is. But nooo, Witch Kings Ring has to go on and on and on and ON about how many people he’s corrupted. I mean, HELLO? Who doesn’t know that I’M the corrupting master here? Wonder if you can send curses through telepathy?

Ooh, Vilya’s just told me about the latest footy results, Mithril Miners VS Mordor Marauders. Can’t wait to hear about the game!

Later: Mordor Marauders losing 7:1. Damn. But then, what can you expect when all footy players are mangled creatures of mass destruction with no will of their own, and the goalie only has one hand?

Will really have to talk Sauron into having some better members for the team. Uruk-Hai would do well.

If only I knew what Uruk-Hai *were*. This psychic future seeing thing sure is weird.

Even Later: GOD, when will Sauron hurry up?! He’s spent the last three hours getting polished. And I thought *I* was the one who had cravings for soft sponges and bottles of Mister Muscle polish. Apparently not. For a Dark Evil Monstrous and Scary Lord, he sure is vain.

Not that I’d say this to him. I have this thing about living.

And I’d hate to break my record.

Oh, we’re going now, THANK GOD!!!!!

And I quote: Mwa Ha Ha Ha.

Entry 7: Ok, let me ask someone a question.

When Sauron made me, he made me to be evil, right? Invisibility; Check. Ability to corrupt people; Check, check. Gold Irresistible Shiny-ness; Check, check, check. Ability to look cool on a deformed kitchen apparatus; Been there, done that. I even have my own little Woolly Hat for cold days. Although, in Mordor, SO not necessary.

SO WHY COULD SAURON HAVE INCORPORATED A TEENY TINY LITTLE DECIVE THAT WOULD STOP ME FROM BEING CUT FROM HIS RUDDY FINGER?!?!?!?!

Okay, breathe…..

WHY???? WHY DIDN’T THE BOZO THINK OF IT, WHY?!

And to be captured by that greasy human, of all people!!! The poncy, stupid TWAT!

Hate Isildur.

Entry 8: Oh great. Have now got stuck in a river.

Hate river.