The Disturbed Council of Elrond

“Order in the court!” shouted Elrond, his eyes flashing. Five minutes ago, everyone had arrived. The meeting hadn’t even started, but he still couldn’t make himself heard.

“I’d like some rum!” said Pippin.

“And I’d like some ale!” added Merry.

Elrond sighed. He was regretting those two. They had caused most of the confusion that was now reining. By setting a whoopee cushion on Gimli the fat, hairy dwarf’s seat. And Sam should be thrown out, too, clutching Frodo’s arm, and making altogether inappropriate actions and comments whenever anyone got too close to his ‘master’.

He winced as one of the dastardly Hobbit duo emitted yet more false burps and Sam tried once again to bite Gandalf, who was unfortunately seated next to Frodo. That was the last straw.

“OUT!!!” he yelled to the three Hobbit-aches, “Go on, now, git!” he said, shooing them off. “Arwen, can you cage these three for the day?”

Arwen hated them, especially Merry and Pippin, ever since they had intruded upon her and Aragorn. But she knew the importance of the council. “As you wish, father,” she resigned, albeit grudgingly. And with that, she marched the three of them off to the dungeons for the day.

“Alrighty, let’s get started then!” Elrond put on a false cheery smile. Rule number one: Look happy and you’ll get better results. “We’re here to get rid of a piece of tacky jewelry before our young and impressionable children start to think it’s a new fad and start wearing stuff like it. Valar knows what’ll happen next.”

“But why is this ring so tacky? Why could we not keep it? It would work so well as an earring. Or as a pendant,” interjected Boromir.

“This is coming from a man who wears a dinner plate and claims it’s a shield,” muttered Elrond under his breath.

But it was Gandalf the old and bushy that answered Boromir, if you can call his reply an answer.

“Naze minikui yubiwa warui!” he exclaimed. (Because ugly ring evil)

“That’s not Black Speech, nor is it Sindarin, Quenya, or any other language that I’ve know. It has never been spoken here before,” questioned Elrond.

“It’s Japanese, dumbell. It will not be spoken in this world for a few million years, when the race of men has taken over, and driven the elves away in fear of their fashion sense, forcing them to set sail.” The Istari replied dryly.

“Really? That’s awful! The horror!” Elrond cried, in genuine pain. “We must stop this, or at least delay it’s coming!”

“Then we must destroy the ring, lest men get bad ideas,” Gandalf said, looking at Boromir as he said this. “We must gather a host of races with good fashion sense to destroy it. BUT, someone must carry it. And in doing so, they will lose all fashion sense themselves,” he continued.

Silence met these words; none could imagine a worse fate.

Frodo, having fallen asleep, started talking n his slumber. “Must…. Take… Before…. Bad….”

“So it’s decided then. Frodo has volunteered to take the ring. Everyone here but me will go with him.”

Aragorn stood up to protest on behalf of Arwen, but Elrond silenced him with a stare.

An Elf rode up on a horse. “Sorry I’m late,” he announced, “What’d I miss?”

“Oh, Legolas. You’ll go too, “commented Elrond, “As punishment.”

Legolas just muttered something about Pirates, crazed fangirls, and ‘movie premieres’

Just then, Sam, who had obviously succeeded in escaping form Arwen, came running in, shouting, “Nooooo, take me, too!”

Hot on his heels, Merry and Pippin came, laughing, and stood as near to Frodo as possible without Sam biting their heads off. “We’re going, too!” They declared, “We’ve had enough of this ‘Elven Hospitality’, and we want to meet new people, too.”

‘To play jokes on, no doubt’ Elrond thought. Out loud, he said, “Let Frodo decide.”

Frodo, who was still sleeping, had once again started talking in his dream of asking Arwen out. “Come with… me… Come… now…”

“Yay!” said Sam, hugging Frodo and waking him up.

“Hi *yawn* Sam… Why is everybody staring at me?”