The Dysfunctional Family of Rohan

“Your dinner, my lady,” said the servant, Glorwyn, though she was more of a friend than a servant.
“Thank you,” replied Eowyn softly. Her mind was eagerly awaiting the next day’s events. Rohan was having a celebration, not for anything in particular it was just what King Eomer (or, ahem, party animal Eomer) wanted so it was done. She ate her dinner and went to her room to dress for bed. Then she stepped out onto her patio and gazed at the fountain that was there. But then her eyes caught a glimpse of something as it jumped. She stared intently at the fountain in the fading light to see what it was. “Why it’s a tree frog!” she exclaimed, “the creature that holds the answers to life’s most important questions, what a fun and meaningful time I shall have contemplating it!” So she sat there, eagerly contemplating the tree frog. It was quite a wonder that there was a tree frog there, because, last time I checked, there aren’t trees in Rohan.
Eomer was coming in for the night, he’d been out riding his motorcycle, and stopped by to say hello to his sister. “Hey,” he said flatly. Eowyn turned to him with a look of disgust upon her face. “What is it dude?” he said, quite confused by her behavior.
“Leather chaps!?” she said exasperated.
“Yeah, I bought them from this sweet bike shop near Minas Tirith, you walk in and there’s these dudes working on these awesome Harleys, it’s incredible.” He paused for a moment appearing to be in deep thought. “Do you think Santa would bring me a Harley?”
“Take your leather clad, greasy long-haired, bandanna wearing self and get out of here! You interrupted my contemplation of a tree frog for crying out loud!” she practically screamed.
“Whoa!” said Eomer in complete and utter amazement, “that’s deep.” He turned around as if in a trance and walked out. Eowyn quickly returned to her previous state and sat without moving contemplating for another hour. She then got her Master and Commander book out, and began reading while playing her soundtrack. Eomer could be heard yelling out, “The pink jellybean, shall rule the Earth! Muahahahaha!!!!” Night was when all the Mountain Dew he drank kicked in.
The next morning everyone was up bright and early. Eowyn ran to find Glorwyn, and began to help her hang up the shiny streamers for the evening’s festivities. Much to Eowyn’s embarrassment Eomer walked in, looked around, and exclaimed far too enthusiastically, “It’s SHINY!” He ran to the nearest ladder, climbed up it and began petting the streamers saying in a creepily familiar way, “my preeeecious! Yes, yes, we wants it,” he now looked positively possessed, “we needs it! It’s ours it is!” Eowyn signaled one of the guards to take him away.
“So what all shall we do tonight?” questioned Eowyn excitedly.
“Well, my lady,” said Glorwyn, “I hear there is to be dancing, and plenty of food, friends, and even a dj!”
“And who might that be?” she inquired.
“Why none other than Elrond!” A huge grin spread across Eowyn’s face, until she could contain herself no longer and burst out in laughter. “Yes, I know, Eowyn, quite odd, I can’t wait to see how hysterical it is when he’s actually disk jockeying!” They laughed long and hard at the humor of it all.
It was reaching time for the guests to start arriving, and the hall looked spectacular. There were French Horns and Cellos as center pieces, which were Eowyn’s idea, and glittery blue and silver stars hanging from the ceiling as well as all the food imaginable. Elrond was set up and ready to go.
The first to arrive was Gandalf, he was not late nor was he early, he arrived precisely when he meant too. Next the hobbits showed up, Pippin thought he had died and gone to heaven when he saw all the food laid out. The hobbits all got a pint of ale and sat down to talk. Soon the rest of the fellowship was there all enjoying in the feast. By this time, the hall was bustling with people eating, drinking, and laughing. After everyone had there fill, the tables were moved away and the disco ball came down out of the ceiling. Elrond expressed his happiness at being the dj by saying, “He everybody, are you ready for some music! Oh and by the way *a sound of impending doom is heard* THERE IS NO SPOON!” Everyone fell to the ground in agony. The news was too much to take, but then all of a sudden there was a noise at the door and in came Gollum rapping about his precious with Capt. Jack Aubrey and Dr. Stephen Matruin sounding the beat.
Then the disco ball started spinning extremely fast and everyone began doing a combination of the waltz and disco. Yes my friend, such a combination of dance can be done. Elrond yelled out, “Let’s rock and rooooooolllll!!!!” and put on the Green Day song Holiday with the speakers on max. It was said that the people of Minas Tirith felt a strange trembling in the Earth that night. Legolas was doing air guitar while Gimli waltzed with his ever beloved axe. Much to Faramir’s embarrassment, Boromir walked in with an elvis jumpsuit on and began to do the Staying Alive dance. The hobbits faces could not be seen because they were head banging so much so their curly hair was all in their faces. Eowyn happily joined in the festivities, and head banged with one arm over her head. While they had the appearance of being from another world; the Capt. and Dr. Stephen fit right in with their strange jig like dance moves. And every now and then one of them could be heard shouting, “GALAPAGOS!”
Gollum had moved away into a corner and was having a conversation, with himself, about the latest dance styles, and decided that he would go and show off his hip-hop skills. As strange as things were, everyone was so shocked by the absurdness of Gollum attempting to dance like Usher that they all froze like statues, the hobbits in mid head bang, the Master and Commander men in the middle of a jig, and Gandalf in the middle of a break dance spin on the floor. When Gollum realized that he had captured everyone’s attention, he crouched down and said, “You’re all filthy pink jelly beans!” Everyone gasped in horror and then, Gollum, ran off to catch a fish and was not seen anymore that night.
Now the song Closing Time was blasting and everyone was back to dancing. But the surprise entrances were not over. The doors burst open and in came Jedi Knight Obi-Wan, and Yoda along with Van Helsing who was being chased by Dracula’s evil minions. Gandalf’s attention was drawn to the noisy minions and he shouted out, “Chill out, whatcha yelling for!” Obi-Wan pulled out his lightsaber and attacked the minions, while Van Helsing pulled out his weapon as well. Aragorn ran over to attempt to build diplomatic relations with the minions. “I even brushed my hair today” he argued unsuccessfully. Yoda said confidently, “Use my yeti I will.” And sure enough in came a giant yeti that at Yoda’s signal began to round up the minions like a sheep dog herds sheep. Van Helsing and Obi-Wan’s jaws were practically on the floor. Nobody else in the room had been paying attention; they were all absorbed in the music. The yeti, Yoda, and the minions were now gone. Obi-Wan turned to the man next to him and asked, “Where in the universe am I?”
“I have no idea, definitely not Smallville, Kansas.” Replied Clark Kent. He muttered something to himself about how he had thought Smallville was strange, but this gave whole new meaning to the word strange. Eomer climbed up on one of the tables that was against the wall and began yelling, “Get out of my castle! This is my precious, just mine, my own!” Everyone except Obi-Wan, Gandalf, Eowyn, and Van Helsing exited. Obi-Wan walked over to Eowyn and stared at her for a second, and then Elrond played the music and the Jedi burst out singing, “My Gift is my Sooooong!” Van Helsing, who was in shock from the odd world he found himself in, walked over to Gandalf to ask him if he knew the way to The Vatican, but when he got over there he went brain dead and said the first thing that came to mind, “Weasel?”
Much to Van Helsing’s surprise Gandalf looked at him then scrunched up his nose, folded his hands over and replied, “Weasels!”
Eomer was looking about in utter confusion, “Where have all the bunnies gone?” he asked. Eowyn walked over and told him he better lie down. She then returned to the room and asked how she could help the gentlemen. Gandalf said that he must be going, put on some Matrix glasses and left on Shadowfax.
“Do you know where the Jedi Temple is?” asked Obi-Wan.
Eowyn replied with enthusiasm, “Oh yes, yes, wow, I never thought I’d get to meet a real Jedi, may I ask what your name is?”
“Obi-Wan Kenobi,” he replied with a smile. She walked with him to the stables and saddled up a horse for him. “Oh dear God,” he said.
“Is something wrong?”
“Well, it’s just that I’ve never…exactly…well, ridden…a horse.” Eowyn laughed.
“You can learn Jedi’s are fast learners are they not?” She instructed him how to mount and guide the horse and after a couple falls he was ready to go. He sped off into the night while Eowyn watched him slowly fade into the distance.
Eowyn walked inside to find Van Helsing pacing back and forth. Glorwyn rushed up, “My lady you’ve been gone an hour now, you had me worried sick, with all the strange things happening today you should be more careful.”
“Well I’m here quite fine, so stop fretting.” Eowyn turned to Van Helsing who was deep in thought.
“Huhuhuhuha!” he laughed. Eowyn raised an eyebrow as if to say, what is wrong with you? “I’ve got it! I know how to get to the Vatican!” he exclaimed.
“Great,” said Eowyn, her tone full of sarcasm. He then left, all the while talking about vampires and werewolves leaving Eowyn quite confuzzled.
She stepped into her room and let out a deep sigh. What a day it had been! “Sailors, a yeti, some vampire chaser, Gollum dancing like Usher, a singing Jedi, and Boromir dressed like Elvis?” she said to herself, “Now that isn’t normal. She dressed for bed and stepped out on her patio. Much to her delight the tree frog was still there and so she sat, deep in contemplation till the night was over and the sun arose anew.
THE END