The Fellowship of the Ring: The Quest for World Domination

Episode I: A Reign of Terror Begins
By ~hobbitluver~

CAST
Dr. Aragorn—The Big Cheese
Dr. Frodo—The Little Cheese
Dr. Gandalf—The Other Little Cheese
Legolas—The Nurse
Pippin—The Patient
Merry—The Concerned Family Member
Sam—The Cameraman
Gimli—The Bodyguard
Boromir—The Medical Student
~hobbitluver~ —The Narrator
The Pizza Guy—A pizza guy
The Fangirls—We know them well 😉

~hobbitluver~ : *In professional, serious newscaster voice* Good evening, and welcome to The Fellowship of the Ring: The Quest for World Domination Episode I: A Reign of Terror Begins. Today we will get an exclusive look at how the Fellowship of the Ring began its quest for world domination when it infiltrated a quiet countryside hospital and wreaked havoc among its patients and employees. At the end of the program we will reveal the four-step Plan for Invasion Naming and Terminating, or PINT, for use if you your home or business is under Fellowship attack. Stay tuned.

Commercials play. When the program returns, a shaky camera follows Aragorn in his doctor’s outfit as he sprints through a hospital hallway pushing a gurney.

Aragorn: Move it! Watch out! Comi—oops, sorry, didn’t see your leg there. This patient is in serious need of medical attention, he must be operated on immediately!

Pippin: *lying on gurney* Now, explain this again. You’re not…really going to operate on me, right, Strider?

Aragorn: No, of course not! It’s all part of our plan for– *whispers melodramatically and loud enough for everyone within a five-foot-radius to hear* –world domination, remember?

Pippin: Oh, right, that…does it come in pints?

Aragorn: *sighs loudly* I’ll give you a piece of my lembas if you cooperate.

Pippin: Two.

Aragorn: One and a half. Plus a rusty old sword you’ll never get to use.

Pippin: Done!

Sam: *from behind camera* Strider, sir…is it really…necessary for me to tape you… racing around like…there’s a Black Rider on your tail? I’m getting a little…out of breath…from all this…running.

Aragorn: *frowning* This is why I’m the Big Cheese, and you’re the cameraman, Sam. We need this tape to brainwash the human population when we take over the world.

Pippin: Ooh, brainwash. Can I try?

Aragorn: *with relief* Look, here we are! *stops in front of door * I can operate on the patient now!

The camera follows Aragorn and Pippin into a room with green and white hospital wallpaper and lots of sharp, scary-looking surgical instruments. The rest of the Fellowship, besides Gandalf, is inside. Frodo and Legolas are wearing facemasks and sharpening some of the horror-film instruments. Boromir, sitting in a corner wearing reading glasses and holding a notepad, is next to Merry, who is looking around boredly. Gimli is standing near the door wearing a black suit and dark sunglasses.

Aragorn: *announces proudly* I will now perform the first ever attempt at heart surgery on a hobbit!

Rest of Fellowship: *applauds*

Pippin: What? We had a deal!

Aragorn: I changed my mind. Heart surgery sounds fun!

Pippin: *goes pale* But…but…but…

Boromir: *looks wisely over the top of his glasses* Come now, Pippin, don’t you want to further the causes of medical science and research?

Pippin: Uh…no, not really.

Frodo: What about world domination? Don’t you want your own country, Pippin?

Pippin: No. I’d probably forget where it was.

Legolas: You could buy all the flat irons you want and have lots of fangirls. Like me! *flips hair prettily*

Pippin: *shudders*

Aragorn: I’ll give you three additional pieces of lembas.

Pippin: Well…

Aragorn: And a keg of beer and all the pipeweed I’ve got on me.

Pippin: Done!

Sam: Um…Strider, sir, how exactly is operating on Pippin going to help us take over the world?

Aragorn: *scowls* Stop questioning me, Sam! *nevertheless, is pleased to make use of the opportunity to reveal his master plan* If the operation is successful, we can convince the hospital employees that I am really a doctor. Then, when they least expect it, I’ll pull out my big, manly ranger sword and tell them to hand over the hospital or I’ll chop them to orc meat.

Boromir: It is physically impossible to chop a human into orc meat.

Aragorn: This is a fantasy. I can do whatever I want.

Sam: But what do we want to take over a hospital for?

Aragorn: Elementary, my dear Gamgee. Having taken over a hospital is much better than having taken over nothing, isn’t it?

Merry: Looks good on the résumé.

Gandalf bursts suddenly into the room, also wearing a facemask, with his beard spilling ridiculously out from under it.

Frodo: You’re late.

Gandalf: A Wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to. I ordered a pizza. It should be delivered right about…now.

Pizza Guy: *knocks on door then opens it and looks around* Whoa, dudes, it’s like a hospital party or something. Psychedelic!

Pippin: *whispers to Merry* And you say I drink too much.

Pizza Guy: This reminds me of a movie I saw once. There was this little dude with a Ring, and he went with all these other dudes to throw it in a mountain. But then two of the dudes died, and two dudes went canoeing, two more dudes went with these ugly guys, and three other dudes started stalking them. It was really weird.

Pippin: Watch the sequel. I get to ride a tree.

Merry: It was an Ent, Pip, an Ent. Remember what happened last time you called him a tree?

Pippin: Ah, yes. My appendix has never been the same.

Aragorn: I could operate on it, if you want.

Gandalf: *quickly grabs pizza* Thank you, goodbye. *pushes Pizza Guy out the door and slams it in his face without giving him a tip.*

Merry: Bravo, Gandalf! Assertiveness. I like it! *shoves Legolas aside and takes a piece of Gandalf’s pizza*

Gandalf: *glares at Merry but doesn’t comment on the stolen pizza* I came here to help cut up that fool of a Took. Can we get on with it?

Aragorn: I’ll say when we ‘Get on with it’. I’m the Big Cheese.

Gandalf: I was supposed to be the leader.

Aragorn: But then you just had to get thrown in a ditch by those construction workers. I told you they were going to knock down that bridge. I told you standing on it was a bad idea. But did you listen? No, nobody listens to Aragorn. You had to support your little “Save the Bridges” campaign. Now I’m the Big Cheese and you get to be the Little Cheese with Frodo.

Frodo: Hey, wait a minute! Why do I have to be a Little Cheese? I’m the Ringbearer!

Rest of the Fellowship: You are?

Frodo: Oops.

Aragorn: I thought we’d all agreed that all that using the Ring to take over the world stuff was a rumor!

Merry: *shakes head* Tabloids.

Aragorn: You told me you’d given it to Gollum. That’s why he’s left us alone!

Frodo: Yes, well, actually, I was feeling kind of…er…emotionally attached… to the Ring. So I gave Gollum Legolas’s thick hair shampoo instead.

Legolas: YOU DID WHAT!?!?!

Boromir: *wisely* It’s obvious, Legolas, that you don’t use the shampoo very often, if you’ve only just noticed its absence.

Legolas: *outraged* Noooo! I need it! Now I won’t be the prettiest Elf in Mirkwood! *turns on Frodo disgustedly* I knew that hobbit was trouble, right from the start! With those shifty eyes, and that posse of unconditionally loyal little friends. *snorts
un-Elfishly*

Merry: I’m not loyal, I’m hungry. And terribly worried about my sick family member, of course.

Pippin: I do whatever he does.

Sam: I’m—oh, never mind, Legolas hit the nail right on the head there.

Legolas: I’m an excellent carpenter! *remembers his plight and moans* My fangirls will be so disappointed!

Frodo: Oh, no, not that! Let’s all rush out and buy more shampoo.

Legolas: Yes!

Frodo: *rolls eyes* I was being sarcastic.

Legolas: *suspiciously* Are you mocking me?

Frodo: Possibly.

Legolas: *aims an arrow at Frodo and steps forward menacingly*

Gimli: Okay, break it up. *walks in between them and pushes each one in opposite directions hard enough that they slam against the walls*

Legolas: I object to his intervention!

Gimli: You can’t object. This is what they hire a bodyguard for.

Frodo: Nice shades.

Gimli: Thank you. Now, repeat after me: ‘You shouldn’t fight. Fighting is bad. Fighting solves nothing. I will never fight again.’

Frodo and Legolas: You shouldn’t fight. Fighting is bad. Fighting solves nothing. I will never fight again.

Gimli: Good. Now, is everyone feeling the love?

Frodo and Legolas: *mumbling* Yes.

Gimli: Are you sure? Or do I need to try Plan B?

Pippin: *cheerfully* What’s plan B?

Gimli: The Brotherly Hug Treatment.

Legolas: NO! I mean, yes, Frodo’s the greatest, we’re already very brotherly, he’s just like my little brother or something. I let him borrow my shampoo—without asking, might I add—all the time. *smiles cheesily*

Frodo: Yeah, Legolas is totally cool. Remember when he did…that…one thing…that was so cool.

Gimli: *nods and returns to his post by the door, folding his arms*

Gandalf: Now can we get on with it?

Aragorn: *opens mouth to protest again but is interrupted by Gandalf*

Gandalf: *quickly* I mean, Aragorn, will you do the honors?

Aragorn: Of course. Legolas, where’s the anesthetic?

Legolas: The what?

Aragorn: Anesthetic. You know, so we can knock him out?

Legolas: Huh?

Aragorn: *exasperated* Does anyone k now where I can get some anesthetic?

Frodo: I don’t know, I’m not really a doctor.

Gandalf: Me neither.

Legolas: I’m not a nurse.

Merry: Don’t ask me, I’m just a very concerned family member. *takes another piece of pizza *

Sam: I’m only a cameraman.

Boromir: The answer to the question of whether I’m really a medical student is negative.

Gimli: *stands coolly and silently—bodyguard talk for “I don’t know either”*

Aragorn: *shrugs nonchalantly* That’s alright, we can do without it.

Pippin: Eek!

Aragorn: Don’t worry, I’m an expert at this. I have a degree in Dangerous Surgeries on Hobbits.

Sam: He does. I saw Elrond writing it.

Pippin: That’s plagiarism!

Aragorn: *begins sharpening a butcher’s knife* This is what the anesthetic’s for—he talks too much. If I lose concentration, I might accidentally cut a few major arteries.

Pippin: *groan*

Merry: Oh dear, I hope my family member is all right.

Pippin: Besides the fact that I’m about to get cut open by someone who doesn’t even know how to keep up his hygiene, I’m just peachy.

Frodo: *shrugs* I don’t know what you’re so worked up about, Merry. I’m related to Pippin too, and I’m not worried. If we kill him, at least we can take his lembas.

Sam: And it will be much quieter.

Pippin: I feel so loved.

Legolas: Everyone loves me. I have fangirls.

Suddenly, a siren goes off and the room is filled with flashing lights. From the main floor, hysterically excited high-pitched screaming can be heard.

Legolas: *looking terrified* Oh no, it’s them!

Frodo: *smirks* Not too happy about your fangirls now, are you Lego?

Gandalf: Fool of a Greenleaf! Now we can never carry out our plan!

Pippin: *looking hurt* What about me? I’m foolish!

Aragorn: How long until they get here?

Boromir: Judging by the average running speed of a teenage girl and the amount of traffic in the halls, plus taking into consideration how desperately in love the girls are with Legolas’s good looks, I’d say about 16.3 seconds.

Gimli: I could hold them off for a few minutes.

Legolas: *sniffs* Nonsense, you aren’t half as attractive as I am.

Aragorn: I think he meant detaining them physically, Legolas. But there’s no need. I’ll never be able to cut open the hobbit and finish my pizza in such a short amount of time, so sacrifices must be made.

Sam: Aww, what about world domination? I wanted to make a country that was one giant garden with lots of ponies named Bill.

Aragorn: All in due time, Samwise Gamgee. We will take over the mountains! We will take over the valleys! We will take over the public waste facilities! The quest doesn’t end here. We will rule the world. *upon finishing his speech, Aragorn looks at Sam questioningly* Is it off? How did I look? Was it dirty, sweaty, and ranger-ish enough?

Camera abruptly clicks off, and the narrator reappears on the screen.

~hobbitluver~ : There you have it, the shocking story of how a terrifying group of criminals began their deadly mission. But this is not the end. The Fellowship of the Ring is still at large, and awareness is important in protecting yourself from attack. Let’s go over the four-step plan:

Plan for Invasion Naming and Terminating
(aka PINT)

1. Identify the attackers. The Fellowship of the Ring is described as follows: five midgets, one with gigantic blue eyes, one heavy one with a large pack containing many pots and pans, two who nobody can tell apart (usually seen eating), and one with a beard and awesome shades; four others, one with pointy ears and a flawless complexion and hair, one with a big nose and a tacky round shield, one dirty, sweaty ranger, and an old guy with a stick. We realize these criminals may be difficult to recognize and will blend easily in a crowd, so feel free to contact us at 1-800-WHAT-DOES-A-DOMINEERING-FELLOWSHIP-OF-MASTERMINDS-LOOK-LIKE? to be sent a copy of the sketches of the Fellowship.

2. Attempt Bribery. Once you have come to the conclusion that your attackers really are the Fellowship of the Ring, it is wise to attempt to bribe them into leaving you alone. Evil magic rings, pints, taters, and hair care products have been highly effective bribe material in the past.

3. Try to Intimidate Them. Intimidate the Fellowship with phrases such as “Drums in the deep…they are coming”, “The Preciousss will be oursss once the hobbitsssesss are dead!”, and “I’m a Harry Potter fan”.

4. The Fangirl Approach. If all else fails, give a high pitched screech and say, “Oh my gosh! That’s Orlando Bloom! He is so hott!” in a squeaky, girlish voice. If that doesn’t scare them away, all hope is lost. You might as well invite them in for a bratwurst.

~hobbitluver~ : If you think you have seen the Fellowship of the Ring, please call the number on the screen to report what you saw. That’s 1-800-I-KNOW-WHAT-A-DOMINEERING-FELLOWSHIP-OF-MASTERMINDS-LOOKS-LIKE-BECAUSE-I-JUST-SAW-ONE. Please tune in next week for the presentation of The Fellowship of the Ring: The Quest for World Domination Episode II: Another Evil Plot Unfolds. Thank you and good night.

Thanks for reading, and don’t forget to check out Episode II (Chapter 2), when the Fellowship takes over a first grade classroom, coming soon (probably within the next few days—dated 6/20/04)!