The Fellowship of the Ring: The Quest for World Domination

Episode II: Another Evil Plot Unfolds
By ~hobbitluver~

CAST
Aragorn—The Big Cheese Teacher
Frodo—The New Cameraman
Gandalf—The Brainwash Expert
Sam—The Coolest Teacher Ever
Pippin—A Temporary Student
Merry—Another Temporary Student
Legolas—NOT the Janitor
Gimli—The Bodyguard (again)
Boromir—The Non-geekish Gym Teacher
~hobbitluver~ —The Narrator
Teacher—A Real Teacher
The Random Kids—Random Kids
Principal Ward: A Mean Old Man Who Doesn’t Like Taters
Gollum/Sméagol—Umm…yeah…
A TV Program Employee: The Phone-answerer

~hobbitluver~: Hello, and welcome to The Fellowship of the Ring: The Quest for World Domination Episode II: Another Evil Plot Unfolds. Last week we saw the Fellowship of the Ring attempt to take over the world by invading a quiet country hospital. Now the plot thickens as the Fellowship continues its quest by invading a classroom full of innocent first graders and trying to brainwash them into joining their legion of conquerors. We’ll see how the fiendish Fellowship gained control of the classroom and what steps they toward to reaching their sinister goal. Stay tuned.

After the commercials, the screen shows the Fellowship sneaking through the double doors of an elementary school, whispering loudly and tripping over one another. The doors slam behind them, and the members begin to make their way down a hallway lined with classroom doors and students’ artwork.

Aragorn: At last! Now we can truly begin our quest for world domination. The innocent, unformed minds of these elementary school students will easily bend to my will. Then we will have an army of children, which we will use to take over the world!

Sam: The sign on the door said we were supposed to go to the office and get a visitor’s pass.

Gandalf: For Eru’s sake, Sam, can’t you at least pretend to be just a little bit evil for once?

Sam: My Gaffer said it’s bad to be evil.

Merry: My dad told me that I’d never amount to anything if I didn’t stop being such a troublesome nuisance. I didn’t listen, and look at where I am now!

(Crickets chirp)

Legolas: My elf nose smells someone coming!

Aragorn: *opens the nearest classroom door* Quick! Get in here!

The Fellowship scrambles through the door. They find themselves in a first grade classroom with large windows and school supplies and scraps of paper strewn all over the place. The teacher and twenty-some students, obviously having their class interrupted, are staring at them.

Random Kid: Look! It’s circus performers!

Class: *cheers*

Teacher: Those aren’t circus performers! It’s the Fellowship of the Ring! I saw them on television the other night.

Class: Oooh!

Teacher: Now, class, there’s a very simple way to protect yourself from the Fellowship. First, you have to identify your attackers, which we have already done.

Class: *chants * Identify your attackers.

Teacher: Next, attempt to bribe the Fellowship with… *proceeds to teach the class the PINT, interrupted by the occasional chanting of the class repeating something he’s said*

Aragorn: *groans* Oh, no, not the PINT!

Gandalf: If one more person tries to bribe me with hair care products, I’m going to personally wring his neck!

Boromir: I thought those were aimed at Legolas…

Aragorn: We have to put a stop to this! Quickly! Hobbits, attack!

Hobbits: CHARGE! *the camera clatters to the floor as Frodo drops it. Four pairs of hairy feet dash forward, and the hobbits toss the screeching teacher out the window*

Rest of Fellowship: *Applauds*

Hobbits: Thank you, thank you! *Frodo returns to the camera and rights it*

Class: *stares wide-eyed at Fellowship*

Aragorn: *to class* Ahem…we will be taking over the management of this classroom from now on.

Random Kid: What about our teacher?

Aragorn: *irritated* Didn’t you see? He flew out the window. He deserted you. He doesn’t like you.

Class: *bursts into tears*

Boromir: If you were going for the “Forget about him, we’re better” approach, I don’t think it’s going to work.

Aragorn: *shouting over the crying students* Just kidding! It was a joke! Your teacher will be back in a few days! Pretty funny, huh? Haha!

Class: *abandons crying in favor of staring at Aragorn and wondering how he became such a loon*

Aragorn: Don’t worry about your teacher, okay? As the Big Cheese, you will answer first and foremost to me.

Class: *repeats him hesitantly* Mr. Cheese is first.

Aragorn: Um…close enough. *whispers to Fellowship* What do we do now?

Frodo: That’s simple—we’re in a school. Tell them things they’ll find useful in life.

Pippin: I’ve got one: if it comes in pints, get one.

Class: Alcohol is good.

Legolas: Fancy stunts impress people.

Class: Be a showoff.

Aragorn: If a big ugly Uruk kills your friend, chop his head off.

Class: Violence solves nothing but problems.

Boromir: If someone weaker than you has something you want, attack him and try to take it.

Class: Pick on the short kids.

Sam: *hesitantly* Don’t you think we should be teaching them something a little more…moral? Or how about something academic…you know, math history and stuff?

Aragorn: Samwise, you’re a genius! Why don’t you go do that and we’ll figure out a class schedule?

Sam: What?!? Me?

Aragorn: I don’t see any other Samwises around here.

Sam: But…I can’t…

Frodo: Sure you can, Sam. Why don’t you show them your plants? It’s life science.

Sam: *brightening* A brilliant idea, Mr. Frodo! I was wondering if I’d ever find any use for these. *opens his pack and starts pulling out several large potted plants.*

Merry: So that’s what he keeps in there! I was beginning to think he’d brought all the rocks from Frodo’s garden!

Sam: *sadly* No, only three. The rest wouldn’t fit. *brings his plants to a table in the back of the room and soon has all the students standing around it.*

Aragorn: *sighs, relieved that the students out of his hands for the moment* This isn’t as easy as I thought.

Frodo: *wryly* I don’t think they like you much, Aragorn.

Aragorn: *rolling eyes* Oh, woe is me.

Pippin: Actually, it’ll be rather hard to brainwash them if they don’t like you, Strider. Maybe you should try being a little more paternal.

Merry: *snorts*

Pippin: What?

Merry: I was just picturing Strider pushing a baby buggy. A pink, old-fashioned one, with lots of frills and ribbons. *laughs again, and is quickly joined by Pippin. Soon they’re both completely hysterical, while the rest of the Fellowship watches them pityingly*

Gandalf: *after about five minutes* Are you quite finished?

Pippin and Merry: *Try to answer but are laughing too hard.*

Gimli: Don’t worry, I can take care of this. *grabs their arms and drags them to a corner away from the rest of the Fellowship*

Gandalf: That’s two more miniature pains off our hands. Now what?

Boromir: *in a random outburst* Can I be the gym teacher?

Gandalf: Pardon?

Boromir: I had to be a medical student before. I’m tired of being a geek. I want to be the gym teacher.

Aragorn: Umm…sure, Boromir.

Boromir: Can we practice fencing and wrestling and dodge ball?

Aragorn: I don’t see why not. Just no launching attacks on Frodo.

Boromir: Aww, darn!

Legolas: Ooh, can I teach them how to float off their horses like a feather in the breeze?

Aragorn: Somehow I don’t think that classifies as an important life skill.

Gandalf: This room needs a lot of cleaning up. You could be the janitor.

Legolas: *gasps and faints*

Gandalf: *shrugs* It was only a suggestion.

Legolas: *revives* Er…I think I’ll just watch, then. Teaching isn’t my thing.

Frodo: Sam seems to be doing wonderfully with it.

They all look at Sam, who has the whole class of first graders (including Pippin and Merry, who have joined them) enraptured with his science lesson.

Sam: And this one is called sage.

Class: Wage.

Sam: No, sage.

Class: Gauge.

Sam: Sage.

Class: Cage.

Sam: Sage.

Class: Page.

Sam: Sage.

Class: Age.

Sam: Sage.

Class: Rage.

Sam: Sage.

Class: Mage.

Sam: *amazed* Wow, how do you do that?

Gandalf: Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee, have you been eavesdropping?

Sam: *looks up at the sound of his name* Huh?

Frodo: Apparently not.

Gandalf: Darn! I know I’ll catch him at it some day!

Sam: Are you done? I think the kids are running out of rhymes.

Aragorn: *sighs* I suppose if we’re ever going to brainwash them, we might as well get it over with now.

Sam: *directs the students back to their seats and returns to the front of the room*

Aragorn: Okay. Now—

Random Kid: *raises hand*

Aragorn: What, something wrong with your arm?

Same Random Kid: No, I have a question.

Aragorn: Oh, right—I knew that. What is it?

Same Random Kid: When is Mr. Gamgee going to teach us again?

Sam: *appalled* Patrick!

Class (including Merry and Pippin): Yeah, we want Mr. Gamgee!

Legolas: *raises eyebrows at Sam* You know their names?

Sam: Sure, it’s easy. There’s James, Megan, Monica, Patrick, Ethan, Tracy, Dylan, Hannah…* pauses* Oh, I forget who you are…

Pippin: Pippin!

Sam: Oh, right, sorry about that. And—

Aragorn: Names are too complicated. From now on they’re Jim, Kim, Jim 2, Kim 2, and so on. Can we please get on with the brainwashing now?

Pippin: Can my name be Tim?

Aragorn: Ugh! *smacks himself in the head*

Suddenly, the door flies open and a grayish blur hurtles through, shrieking loudly.

Aragorn: What in Arda is that?

A moment later, the blur lands on the teacher’s desk and Aragorn’s question is answered.

Gollum/Sméagol: The Preciousss! We wantsss the Preciousss!

Frodo: We had an agreement! I gave you the shampoo. What are you doing here?

Gollum/Sméagol: *hisses* Your sssmelly shampoo doesssn’t work! We are ssstill almossst bald!

Legolas: *disdainfully* That was my shampoo. It was meant for people with long shiny locks like mine, not for a mostly bald little…um…whatever you are.

Gollum/Sméagol: *hisses again, ready to spring toward Legolas*

Sam: Could we possibly hold the fighting until later? There are children in the room!

Merry: Yeah, I could be scarred for life!

Gollum/Sméagol: We wantsss the Preciousss! We don’t care what the stupid fat hobbit ssaysss!

Class: *gasps*

Random Kid: He just insulted Mr. Gamgee!

Class: *gasps again, more dramatically*

Another Random Kid: CHARGE!

Class: Aaaaaah! *with a thunderous battle cry, the first graders race to the front of the room and pounce on Gollum/Sméagol. After a few minutes of being violently tackled, he wriggles, shrieking, away from the vicious attack and sprints out of the room*

Gollum/Sméagol: *voice echoing after him as he runs* We will get our Preciousss if it’sss the lassst thing we do!

Once the voice has receded, there is momentary silence in the classroom.

Sam: Well…um, thanks, guys.

Class: You’re welcome. *return calmly to their seats*

Aragorn: *looking slightly shocked at the events of the last few minutes but still concentrating on the mission* Right…anyway, as I was saying, if anyone’s going to interrupt can they please do it now, before we start trying to brainwash these innocent—yet vicious—kids?

Sam: Wait!

Aragorn: What?

Sam: Umm…*wracks his brain for an idea, then the light bulb goes on* …we don’t know how to brainwash!

Aragorn: I don’t, but Gandalf does. He took Brainwashing 101 in high school.

Gandalf: And 102, and 103, and 104.

Sam: But…

Aragorn: But what?

Sam: But Pippin and Merry are in the class, so you’ll end up brainwashing them too!

Aragorn: I wouldn’t mind that.

Merry: My brain could use a good washing.

Sam: *frowns* I can’t let you brainwash a bunch of little kids. My Gaffer wouldn’t approve.

Aragorn: *annoyed* Sam…

Sam: First graders, attack!

Class: CHARGE! Ahhhhh! *shouting their battle cry, they jump on Aragorn and start tackling him, knocking him to the floor. The rest of the Fellowship watches with interest*

Gimli: Whoa, they’re good! I think we have some future bodyguards I this class!

Boromir: Football players, more likely. I should add that to my curriculum.

Pippin: Now this is entertainment! I’ll get the popcorn!

Merry: Is there anyone who doesn’t find satisfaction in watching Aragorn get tackled by a bunch of little kids?

Sam: *sighs* I suppose I’d better call them off before they suffocate him. Back to your seats, class!

Class: *flounce proudly back to their seats*

Aragorn: *groans* Was that really necessary?

Gandalf: Yes. You’re turning into an arrogant pig.

Pippin: *matter-of-factly* It happened to Gandalf, too, before the Construction Worker Incident.

Aragorn: *glowering* Well, if the all-powerful Mr. Gamgee would rather that we don’t brainwash the kids, what are we supposed to do?

Sam: Bake some taters and have a cookout?

The rest of the Fellowship agrees that they could go for a few taters before moving on in their invasion of the world. Some students donate their spelling books to burn and the Fellowship starts a fire. Gandalf is just about to blast a hole in the roof to serve as a chimney when the classroom door flies open again and an angry, red faced man stands in the doorway.

Sam: *whispers to a student* Who’s that?

Student: Principal Ward. He doesn’t like when we start fires to cook taters in the classroom.

Principal Ward: What is the meaning of this?

Pippin: We’re cooking taters.

Principal Ward: Taters! It’s clearly stated in Chapter 5 Section 3 Sub-section 8 Paragraph 2 of the rulebook that cooking taters during school hours is not permitted! Where’s your teacher?

Class: He flew out the window, Principal Ward. Mr. Gamgee is our teacher now. *point at Sam*

Sam: Gee, thanks, guys.

Principal Ward: Chapter 1 Section 6 Sub-section 2 Paragraph 5 clearly states that midgets cannot be teachers.

Sam: I’m not a—hey, wait, that’s not fair to the midgets! You’re an evil principal!

Class: *gasp*

Sam: Class, attack!

Class: CHARGE! Ahhhhh!

Principal Ward: Argh! *is viciously attacked by twenty-some little kids*

Aragorn: You know, those kids could be pretty handy! Are you sure we can’t brainwash them to join us?

Merry: *grinning* I don’t think we need to. They’ll do pretty much anything “Mr. Gamgee” says!

Sam: “Mr. Gamgee.” I like that! How come you never call me “mister”, Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Because you’re the gardener ad I’m the rich Baggins, Sam.

Sam: Well, when I get my own country, everyone will call me “Mr. Samwise”. No, “King Samwise”. No, “Big Cheese Samwise”!

Aragorn: *gasp* “Big Cheese” is my title!

Sam: Oh, that’s right. Hmm…what do you think of “Mayor Samwise”?

Frodo: I think we can worry about titles later. It looks like the kids are getting tired. Think they need some backup?

Aragorn: Probably. Ready, hobbits?

Hobbits: Ready!

Aragorn: CHARGE!

The camera is dropped again, but this time the screen goes black. The next thing that can be seen is the narrator.

~hobbitluver~: There you have it, the tragic story of how nine delinquents came dangerously close to making a class of young students part of their deadly mission to rule the world. Unfortunately, the—

She is interrupted by the voice of an employee on the set of the program.

Employee: Phone call, for you, ma’am.

~hobbitluver~: *sends a death glare to someone off-camera and hisses* Can’t it wait? I’m in the middle of hosting a television program!

Employee: Whoever it is said it’s urgent—wants to talk to you before the end of the program.

~hobbitluver~: *sighs* Alright, fine. Somebody bring me a phone!

The employee brings a phone to ~hobbitluver~. She answers it on speakerphone.

~hobbitluver~: Yeah, whaddaya want?

A childish voice on the other end of the line answers.

Voice: I want to complain about your show.

~hobbitluver~: *narrows eyes* How old are you?

Voice: Seven. My name’s Patrick, and I was in that class on the TV. I just watched your show. All my school friends are here, too.

Chorus of voices: Hi!

Patrick: We don’t like the bad things you’re saying about Mr. Gamgee and his friends. We liked them better than our normal teacher!

Class: Yeah!

~hobbitluver~: Do your parents know you’re on the phone?

Patrick: We want you to say sorry, right now!

~hobbitluver~: *annoyed at being ordered around by a seven-year-old* You kids don’t understand. They’re dangerous criminals! They were going to brainwash you to join their army! I suggest that you all go home and forget about all this.

Patrick: Then you leave me no choice. CHAR— *the cry is cut off when ~hobbitluver~ abruptly hangs up the phone*

~hobbitluver~: *begins edging off the screen and says rapidly, obviously very nervous* Thank you for watching, look out for bad people, tune in next week, good night! *at the end of the sentence, she’s gone*

This chapter is dedicated to all the fans of Sam. He gets bashed so often in these fanfics, but I think he’s one of the most kindhearted characters in the whole epic. I wanted to bring out that side of him. Chapter 3 is coming soon… I’m not sure what it will be yet, but I’ll shoot for getting it up in three to four days (dated 6/23/04). Thanks so much for reading, and I appreciate reviews!