The Fellowship of the Ring: The Quest for World Domination

Episode III: The Most Recent Scheme
By ~hobbitluver~

CAST
Aragorn, Frodo, Merry, & Boromir—Those News Guys at the Desk
Gimli— The Bodyguard (surprise, surprise!)
Gandalf: The Cameraman
Sam, Pippin, & Legolas—The Guys Who Do Everything Else
~hobbitluver~ —The Narrator
Security Guards: Fearless Watchmen Who Keep the World Safe
Denethor—The angry dad
Gollum/Sméagol: Yes, he’s back, and still mad about the shampoo!
The TV Program Employees: Almost braver than the security guards

~hobbitluver~: Good evening, and welcome to The Fellowship of the Ring: The Quest for World Domination Episode III: The Most Recent Scheme. Today we will explore what the terrifying Fellowship of the Ring has been doing to date. Many of us recall a few nights ago when an average evening news program went wrong—it had been invaded by the Fellowship! Not only has this ruthless group attempted unauthorized surgery and tried to corrupt innocent children—it has now sought to spread lies and falsehoods to the general public! You will be the first to see how the Fellowship went about his and what their aims were. Stay tuned.

After a particularly long commercial break (adding to the suspense), the program returns. The Fellowship of the Ring is strolling casually down the street in front of a many-windowed building, trying in vain to blend in.

Merry: Is it just me, or has everyone who’s walked by been staring at us?

Aragorn: Of course they have been! They were staring at my manly unwashed hair, scruffy beard, and snazzy sword.

Merry: Oh. No wonder we can never blend in anywhere!

Gandalf: Merry’s right—for once. Aragorn, I think it’s about time you took a shower.

Legolas: I told him that three months ago!

Aragorn: *nervously* Umm…this seems like a good time to reveal my master plan.

Legolas: Go without a shower for a whole year and work up such a stench that the whole world will bow to your will if you agree to bathe?

Aragorn: No! I would never take more than one shower every five years—it wastes water. Anyway, the real plan is this: We will invade the building where the evening news is being shot and take over the program. Then we will tell the world of our plans to take over and brainwash them into joining us!

Sam: Oh, no, not brainwash again!

Aragorn: *glaring meaningfully at Sam* First graders don’t watch, the news, Sam, so don’t go looking for something to complain about.

The Fellowship walks up to the door of the building. A security guard is standing there.

Frodo: *whispering* How are we going to get in?

Aragorn: Good question. Gimli?

Gimli: *walks up to the guard and growls* Grrr!

Guard: *growls challengingly back* Grrrrrrrrr!

Gimli: *accepts the challenge—with a growl, of course* Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Guard: *growls “Bring it on!”* Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Gimli: *growls “What a wimp! Is that all you’ve got?”* Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Guard: *growls “Think you can do better, small fry?”* Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Gimli: *growls several threats so violent that you might throw up if I give you a translation* GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

Guard: *whimpers and runs away*

Gimli: And that is how you break into a guarded building. *bows*

Fellowship: *applauds appreciatively*

The Fellowship enters the building. There are people all around, going about their daily business.

Boromir: What about all these people? What are we going to do about them?

Aragorn: Well, uh…we simply have to get rid of them.

Boromir: How?

Aragorn: Umm…I have an idea, I just have to remember it. *long pause* *another long pause* *yet another long pause*

Pippin: *starts humming the Jeopardy song. Pauses when Gandalf whacks him with his staff, then immediately starts up again.*

Frodo: *after several repetitions of the Jeopardy song* You don’t have an idea, do you?

Aragorn: Ahhh, no.

Frodo: *frustrated* Perfect.

Pippin: *leans against the wall* You know, this reminds me of the time when Merry—

He is cut off when the room is filled with a loud blaring noise. A crowd of people and some other security guards come pouring through the main lobby and out the doors.

Guard: That’s the fire alarm! Everybody out!

Pippin: *looks around frantically* Fire? Where?

Merry: There’s no fire! Look, you leaned against the fire alarm button! *points to the button on the wall on the spot Pippin had previously been leaning*

Aragorn: Pippin, you’re a genius!

Pippin: I am? Oh, right, I knew that!

Aragorn: Everyone’s gone outside! Quick, lock all the entrances!

Fellowship: *runs around frantically locking all the air vents, chimneys, and mouse holes in the building*

Aragorn: *surveys their handiwork* Perfect. Now, lets go film a news show!

After some searching, the Fellowship finds the studio where the news program is filmed. A long desk with four chairs sits in front of a blue backdrop, and several cameras and bright lights are focused on it.

Gandalf: Oh, good! Now all we have to do is be ready to shoot a live news program in, oh, about… *glances at his wristwatch* …five minutes.

Aragorn: *energetically* It’s a good thing the Fellowship of the Ring never gives up! Right, guys?

Fellowship: *stands there in uncomfortable silence*

Aragorn: Right… Anyway, we’d better get started. Since I’m the Big Cheese, I naturally get one of the seats behind the desk. I’ll take…this one. *flings himself into a chair so hard that it falls over backward*

Frodo: You know, I’m really the most important one in this Fellowship. I don’t know why he should get all the attention. It’s not fair. Just because he’s the last remaining heir of some old guy—

Aragorn: *rolls eyes* Fine, Frodo, take a chair.

Frodo: Yay! *piles a set on encyclopedias on his chair and climbs on*

Boromir: Ooh, I want a chair! Pleeeeeease!

Aragorn: Okay, but your sitting on the opposite end from Frodo.

Boromir: Aww, darn! Do you think my dad’s going to see this?

Merry: That depends on whether he watches the five o’clock news or the ten o’clock news.

Aragorn: Very good reasoning, Merry! You get a chair!

Merry: Woohoo! *steals some of Frodo’s encyclopedias and sits down.*

Pippin: What about everybody else? *looks jealously at Merry in his chair*

Aragorn: That’s easy. We need some people—or Hobbits or Elves or Wizards—to run the cameras and lights and stuff. Oh, and you can be those people we talk to—you know, so I can say, “Now to you, Pippin” and you can talk, and you can say “Back to you, Aragorn”.

Legolas: Have you ever actually watched the news before, Aragorn?

Aragorn: Once or twice…I think.

Gandalf: Two minutes to ten o’clock!

Merry: So…what am I supposed to say?

Aragorn: Don’t ask me, I don’t watch the news

Gandalf: Looks like we’ll just have to wing it.

Sam: We could interview somebody or something.

Aragorn: Samwise, you’re a genius! Go find someone to interview.

Sam: *leaves, grumbling* Why do I always have to make suggestions?

Gandalf: Okay, places, everyone! *sets up the Fellowship’s camera beside the news camera* We’re on in five…four…three…two…one…

Pippin: Blastoff!!!

Gandalf turns the news camera on. Aragorn, Frodo, Boromir, and Merry stare blankly it.

Aragorn: *opens and closes mouth like a fish and stares wide-eyed at the camera lens*

Merry: *leans over to look at Aragorn and whispers* Strider! What’s he doing? Strider!

Aragorn: *still looking fishy*

Frodo: Uh…hi. This is the news. At ten o’clock. Because it’s ten o’clock. Actually it’s more like 10:01 ‘cause we just wasted a minute staring at the camera like cmplete idiots. Anyway, I’m Frodo Baggins, and that’s Meriadoc Brandybuck, who is related to me somehow, I’m not sure—

Merry: Frodo’s my sister’s son’s grandfather’s aunt’s great-uncle’s second cousin’s pony’s nephew’s daughter’s brother.

Frodo: Right. And the dirty one over there is Aragorn son of Arathorn, AKA Strider, AKA Elessar, AKA Estel, AKA who knows what else. And on the end is Boromir son of Denethor.

Boromir: For the sake of my well-being and sanity, I object to my father’s name being said in my presence. He always had Faramir do all the dangerous, almost-certain-to-end-in-death stuff, as though he thought I couldn’t handle it! Gimme a break!

Frodo: Okay…so, uh, first we’re going to have, uhh…

Merry: Food!

Boromir and Frodo: Food?

Merry: Yes, food! Great recipes for all your cooking needs! Every news program should have it!

Frodo: Of course, food. I was going to say that. Pippin?

The screen changes to Pippin standing in a spotless kitchen with an apron and a white chef’s hat on (all of which was conveniently located in another area of the set).

Pippin: Thanks, Frodo! Today we’re going to explore a diverse new way to prepare the good old fashioned ‘shroom. You’ll need a few mushrooms— *a truck drives in and dumps several tons of mushrooms on the kitchen floor, covering the whole thing four feet deep in tasty fungi* —and some flippers and swimming goggles. First, put on the goggles and flippers— *does so (just picture Pippin wearing a chef’s hat, goggles an apron, and flippers—you get the idea)* —then dive into the mushrooms and eat! This is very good exercise, and it’s perfectly safe to swim within an hour after eating because if you get a cramp and sink to the bottom, your friends can eat a tunnel down to you and pull you out. It is advisable for children to be supervised and to use flotation devices. Do not dive if the mushrooms are less than ten feet deep. This has been “Food” with Peregrin Took. Join us next time to learn the do’s and don’ts of lembas bread. Back to you, Frodo!

Frodo: *quickly stuffs the last of the mushrooms he was eating in his mouth* Thanks, Pippin, that was very educational. Now…

Legolas: Now it’s my turn!

Gandalf: What did you have in mind, Legolas?

Legolas: I would like to do a demonstration promoting the humane cause of ending scientific testing on animals.

Gandalf: *raises eyebrows* Very well, go ahead.

Frodo: Now we’ll go to Legolas with a demonstration promoting the humane cause of ending scientific testing on animals.

Merry: *claps* Well said!

The screen shows Legolas standing next to a large cabinet and looking very business-like and serious.

Legolas: Thank you, Frodo. Of course, we all want thick, shiny, gorgeous hair like mine—

Gandalf: *groans*

Legolas: —but few people realize that many of today’s cosmetic products are tested on poor, defenseless animals. These products are often harmful. Just take a look at Exhibit A. *opens the cabinet and a gray shape launches itself from inside and lands on the floor with a hiss*

Gollum/Sméagol: Nasssty cabinetsssess! We hatesss them! Gollum, gollum!

Legolas: This animal was tested on with thick hair shampoo. The experiment resulted in loss of weight, loss of hair, involuntary spasms, and a nasty cough.

Gollum: We are not an animal! And we hatesss your nasssty ssshampoo! We hatesss it! *starts jumping around crazily in his anger*

Legolas: You see what I mean. This is happening to thousands of animals around the world, and it must be stopped. But there’s good news! You can have thick, shiny, gorgeous hair like me and still protect these, er…cute…little animals. Just check the labels of your cosmetic products to see if animal testing was done. You can make a difference!

Gollum/Sméagol: We wantsss the Preciousss! You cheated! AHHH! *gets ready to leap on Legolas*

Legolas: *panicked* Uh…Gimli…?

Gimli: All right, break it up! *steps in between them* We must put aside our differences to bring peace to the world. Is everyone feeling the love?

Legolas: You’ve got to be kidding!

Gimli: Oh dear. Looks like we’ll need to use the Brotherly Hug Treatment!

Legolas: Eeeeew!

Gimli: If you don’t feel the love, it’s the only way.

Legolas: Of course I feel the love! Elves are very loving! Even to an ugly little…whatever he is!

Gollum/Sméagol: We hatesss nasssty Elfsssesss almossst as much as we hatesss nasssty hobbitsssesss!

Gimli: *shakes head sadly* Unwilling to share in the love. Looks like I’ll have to throw him out the window. *drags Gollum/Sméagol off the screen*

Legolas: *looking immensely relieved* This was Legolas Greenleaf promoting the humane cause of ending scientific testing on animals. Back to you, Frodo.

The screen flashes briefly back to Frodo, but before he has a chance to say anything, Sam bursts loudly back into the room, followed by a very angry Denethor.

Sam: There’s—hey, what happened to Strider?

Gandalf: Stage fright. Is this our interviewee, Sam?

Sam: Actually, I found him outside banging on the doors ranting and raving. Something about Boromir and—

Gandalf: Great! Sam, you can be the interviewer.

Denethor: I came here to complain! I sent my son, the most good-looking, brave, strong, valiant, wise, swift, good-looking—

Pippin: You already said good-looking.

Denethor: *ignoring him* —man in all of Gondor to get me Isildur’s Bane because it’s pretty and I want it. But you’re all trying to make him look bad, as though he doesn’t like me! You even pretend that he’s not the Big Cheese! I can’t believe this! It’s outrageous! It just makes me want to burn something! Why, I should—

Boromir: Ah, Dad? Can Sam interview you?

Denethor: Sure, whatever. Don’t interrupt me, I’m venting.

Frodo: Then let’s go to Sam for an interview with the steward of Gondor!

Screen changes to Sam standing next to Denethor, who is speechless with anger and keeps clenching and unclenching his fists.

Sam: Thanks, Mr. Frodo. I’m standing here next to the steward of Gondor, D— *the rest of the word is beeped out, and a box appears over Sam’s head that says “Censored for the sake of Boromir’s well-being and sanity”*.

Denethor: I’m mad!

Sam: I see. Well, you don’t mind if I ask you a few questions, do you? *continues without waiting for an answer* What’s it like being the steward of Gondor?

Denethor: I’m mad!

Sam: Okay…and do you ever feel resentful that you will never be king of Gondor?

Denethor: Yes! It makes me so mad!

Sam: How do you feel about Aragorn, the heir to the throne?

Denethor: The fishy one? He shouldn’t be king, Boromir should! It makes me so—

Sam: —mad. No kidding. Tell me, have you ever considered getting any sort of anger management help?

Denethor: I barbecue when I’m angry. It calms me.

Sam: Right…well, thank you for being here, D—. I think now would be a good time to get barbecuing.

Denethor: Good idea. *calls in singsong voice as he leaves the set* Oh, Faramir!

Pippin: *poking his head in front of the camera* Run, Faramir! Run!

Sam: *pushes Pippin off the screen* Well, that was a very…interesting…interview. This was Samwise Gamgee bringing you a Q and A with the steward of Gondor. Back to you, Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: Thanks, Sam. Looks like we have a few minutes left before the end of the show. Anyone have anymore ideas?

Sam: How about world events, or sports, or weather?

Frodo: Nothing’s happening in the world, there are no sport events going on, and there won’t be any weather over the next few days. That just about covers it. Any other ideas?

Gandalf: What about the brainwashing?

Frodo: *glances sideways at Aragorn* Brainwashing is so boring! He won’t even notice if we skip it…

Merry: Oh, good! Then I can fill the remaining time with my poetry!

Fellowship: Poetry?!?!

Merry: Of course! I’m quite the poet, you know. I wrote this when Pippin stole my mushrooms for his pool. *pulls a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket, clears his throat, and reads:*

Mushrooms are cool,
But now I feel woe.
My mushrooms were stolen,
Oh, why did they go?

Fungi so tasty,
I’d eat them all day.
How much I love them,
Mere words cannot say!

Like little umbrellas,
In gentle spring rain.
Please come home, dear mushrooms,
You’ve caused me such pain!

Pippin: *sniffling* That was so beautiful!

Sam: *wails* Oh, why did they have to go?

Gandalf: It’s eleven. We really need to end the show now.

Frodo: *sobbing* I…I…oh, it’s so sad!

Gandalf: *shakes head* Hobbits!

Boromir: *realizes he’s the only one on screen who isn’t either acting like a fish or sobbing hysterically* Okay…well, the news is over now. I’m Boromir, whose father’s name shall not be mentioned, and that’s Aragorn son of Arathorn, Merry Brandybuck, and Frodo Baggins. Good night!

The news program ends—and so does the Fellowship’s tape. The hostess, ~hobbitluver~, reappears on the screen.

~hobbitluver~: There you have it, the terrifying story of the mayhem caused by the Fellowship thus far. Be on the lookout—you never know when they will strike again. It could be tomorrow. It could be next week. It could even be right now…

Right on cue, you hear a crash, and into the room comes—you guessed it—the Fellowship of the Ring.

Aragorn: Alright, lady, move over! We’re taking over this joint!

~hobbitluver~: *shocked* What? You can’t! This is me we’re talking about!

Aragorn: Exactly!

~hobbitluver~: Get out! I’ve got a PINT and I know how to use it!

Aragorn: We’re tired of bribes, threats, and fake fangirls. That’s why we’re shutting you down! Fellowship?

Fellowship: *members start running around breaking lights and equipment and attacking crew members.*

~hobbitluver~: Wait! Stop!

Merry: Got any mushrooms around here?

~hobbitluver~: Check the fridge.

Merry: Thanks! *walks away in search of the fridge, saying:*

Mushrooms are delicious,
In every single way.
So always eat your mushrooms,
That’s all I have to say!

~hobbitluver~: *shouting angrily* This is my show! Stop it this instant!

Pippin: Did I hear someone mention mushrooms?

~hobbitluver~: In the fridge. Merry might have eaten them already, though.

Pippin: *gasps* Meeeeeerry! *runs after him*

~hobbitluver~: I’m going to call the police!

Gandalf: How about pizza? Have you got any of that?

~hobbitluver~: No, but there’s a phone in the hallway. You can order one.

Gandalf: Oh, good. Just don’t tell Merry.

~hobbitluver~: I wo—get out of my studio! This is an outrage! It’s an invasion of private property! Hey, do you smell something burning?

Boromir: Oh, no! Dad! *runs off-screen, almost knocking over Gandalf, who is on his way to order a pizza.*

~hobbitluver~: My show is being taken over! Hey, get back here! *yells at a group of employees running from the room*

Sam: Where did you say the kitchen was? I think I need to water my plants. *pulls a slightly droopy potted plant from his pack*

~hobbitluver~: Down the hall, to your left.

Sam: Thanks. Here, have one of Mr. Frodo’s rocks. *gives ~hobbitluver~ one of his rocks from Frodo’s garden.*

~hobbitluver~: Uh, thank you. *wails* My poor show! I’m ruined!

Frodo: I know how you feel. I wanted to be a psychologist, but that wasn’t really possible after I started being corrupted an evil magic Ring and— *he suddenly goes stiff and his eyes do that funny little rolling thing. He slips the Ring on his finger and disappears. His disembodied voice can be heard, fading into the distance * Now I will get my revenge! I will be the Big Cheese, and all will bow down to me! Muhahahaha!

~hobbitluver~: Okay…that was weird.

Gimli: You get used to it. But while we’re on the subject of careers, did you know that my true dream is to be a violinist?

~hobbitluver~: I guess I never really thought about it.

Gimli: Oh, sure, bodyguards get the cool shades, but being a bodyguard just isn’t me. In fact, I think I’m ready for a change. I’m going to go buy myself a violin right now! *strides determinedly out the door*

~hobbitluver~: My show! My life! I’m nothing, now! Just a big loser!

Legolas: Well, at least your hair is thick and shiny.

~hobbitluver~: *brightening* Thank you!

Legolas: Sure thing.

~hobbitluver~: You know, you’d be kinda cute if you weren’t a criminal.

Legolas: Actually, I was never too fond of the whole “take over the world” thing, anyway, but I was already part of the Fellowship, and there was a lot of pressure. I mean, even the Hobbits were willing to do it! Well, Sam agreed with me, but he wouldn’t leave the Fellowship when Frodo stayed—something Gandalf said to him a long time ago or something. Anyway, the guys already teased me a lot because I have good hygiene, and I had to maintain my dignity.

~hobbitluver~: *sympathetically* I understand completely. Why don’t we go get a cup of coffee and you can tell me all about it?

Legolas: With donuts?

~hobbitluver~: Of course!

The two walk arm-in-arm through the now empty room and out the door. Once they’re gone, the screen goes black and a message appears in white block letters, reading:
THIS PROGRAM HAS BEEN CANCELLED DUE TO FELLOWSHIP INTERFERENCE. TUNE IN FOR THE PREMIERE OF THE ALL-NEW REALITY SERIES “THE FELLOWSHIP IN SPACE”, COMING NEXT WEEK!

The End

I’m not a fangirl, but this seemed like a fitting ending to the story. Heck, I’d ask a nazgul out to coffee if it meant meeting someone from LotR! Well, maybe not, but anyway, you get the point… 🙂

Thanks a ton to all my readers, especially those who reviewed! I’m hoping to write some other fanfics if I find the time, so watch for more of my work!