Chapter one: Fish and Fangurls

Hiya! I don’t know if anyone’s written a fanfic about all the Fellowships emails, but as I haven’t seen one, I’ve written one. I got the idea from KeeperofEowynsSword’s Legolas’ Inbox, and LadyofImladris’ Aragorn’s Inbox, so some of the credit goes to them. And as per usual, I did not invent any of Tolkiens work.
Bit of text from A Knights Tale here, but rather appropriate, don’t you think?

From: [email protected]
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: Quit it!

Hi Estel,
Can we stop running? I’ve got cramp. And I mean bad cramp. I thought elves weren’t meant to get cramp?! But they do. Very badly.
Anyway, pleeeaaase let us stop for a while. Merry and Pippin won’t mind. Well, they will. But I don’t care! This will get them back for putting a live fish in my pack. Believe me, not nice.
You need to stop!! The cramp is getting worse, and it’s hard to write on a lap top when you’re running. Plus Gimli keeps throwing stones at me whenever possible, and it’s pissing me off.
Why can’t you get a shorter email address? It took me five minutes just to type it in!
And why aren’t you stopping? You should have stopped by now! The prince of Mirkwood commands you! Ha! Now you have to stop!

-Legolas

From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Quit it!

Hi Legolas,
No, we can’t stop running. We’ve got to save Merry and Pippin from the hands of those foul creatures!! Eru alone knows the horrors they could face once they are inside that tower of filth.
A live fish in your pack. Urgh. I didn’t know they put a live fish in your pack. I only knew about the dead one…..
How dare you insult my email address? It’s cool! And not something poncy like ‘Prince of Archers’. Ha!
The prince commands me? Well I’m going to be king soon! So there! Ha, again! And I don’t have to stop.

-Estel

From: [email protected]
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: Re: Quit it!

Estel, stop being so melodramatic. They won’t get tortured. If they do, serve them right for the fish incident. And Frodo and Sam would thank us anyway.
Dead fish, huh? Didn’t find that one. Better check my pack, just to see if there are any dead scales still there……
PRINCE, soon to be KING Legolas,
P.S. My email address is NOT poncy. And yours is not cool, it’s dumb.

From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
To: Miner_of_Moria@mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
Subject: Stop.

Gimli,
Stop throwing rocks at Legolas. He is my friend, and beside, he sends me annoying email to complain about it. He’s complaining about everything at the moment….yes, to quote him, it’s pissing me off.
-Aragorn

From: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: Re: Stop.

Sorry about that, laddie. But he keeps on obsessing about that gift the Lady gave to him. I have such a better gift anyway!! He already had a stupid bow. And he didn’t get any arrows. So he sucks.
He’s complaining about the running? Ha! I’m not. We dwarves are natural sprinters. Not like slowcoach elves.
Don’t worry if I hang back for a second. I can smell something rather odd coming from the elf’s pack…..

From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
To: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
Subject: Re: Stop.

Apology accepted. I agree, you do have a better gift than him. Don’t tell him I said that though, he’ll kill me.
Something rather odd coming from his pack eh? Wonder what that is….?

From: [email protected]
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: EWWW!

EWW! Eww! This fish is rank! Why didn’t you tell me before?? I hate you. It smells awful!! I’m gonna kill those two…….

Aragorn doesn’t reply. He’s too busy almost choking to death laughing.

From: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: Ha!

Ha! So that’s what was in the lads pack! He could smell like fish forever! I’m gonna be teasing him for all eternity. I wonder if dwarves can follow elves to Valinor. Do you know?
I’m still happy about my present. I bet Galadriel has a crush on me!

From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
To: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
Subject: Re: Ha!

Yeah, it does smell. No, you can’t go to Valinor. I don’t think so. If she does Celeborn would have killed you by now.

From: Merry_Brandybuck@Buckland/Shire.com
To: , Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com, [email protected] , Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
Subject: Where the hell are you??

Strider, Legolas, Gimli,
Where the hell are you!? We ARE in captivity of the orcs you know! And we ARE getting taken to Isengard! So get a bloody move on!!
The orcs are getting pretty pissed off with you by the way. One of them says when he gets his ******* hands on you he’s going to rip him limb from limb and eat you alive. Pippin thinks that you should all be eaten, but I reckon Gimli shouldn’t be eaten ‘cos he helped us with our pranks against Legolas.
There’s loads of fighting here. You’d like it Gimli. They’re all chopping each others heads off. Pifj4ejgfiogfvgrrvjnrwjrgrneeeeeeeeeee[;pp;;;;;;;sdddddddddddi. That was one of the orcs landing on the lap top. We can’t use Pippins lap top because it’s submerged in decapitated orcs.
Hurry up!
Merry & Pippin

From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
To: Merry_Brandybuck@Buckland/Shire.com
Subject: Where the hell we are is on the middle of some god-forsaken plain, that’s where!

Hi Merry and Pippin
Actually, we are getting a bloody move on. It’s hard to get a move on when there’s a Galadriel obsessed dwarf and a fish-o-phobic elf behind you.
Why do you want me eaten? I’m always nice to you. Plus the fact that I don’t put both DEAD AND LIVE FISH IN PEOPLE’S PACKS! That WAS you, wasn’t it? I knew it. Legolas is not happy. He’s gonna kill you.
Don’t email me anymore. I’m waiting for an email from Arwen. She still hasn’t emailed me.
Running as fast as I can – Strider.

From: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
To: Merry_Brandybuck@Buckland/Shire.com
Subject: Nice one lads!

Ha! The elf just found out about your dead fish. He is not happy. I could hear his yells echoing all down the gorge.
Thanks for not wanting me eaten. Except…..oh, you stupid, stupid hobbits!! Legolas knows I helped you!!! I am in deep doo-doo!!! Those arrows can hurt, and I don’t fancy one going up my @$$.
In fearful apprehension, Gimli.

From: [email protected]
To: Merry_Brandybuck@Buckland/Shire.com
Subject:: AAAARRGH!!!

GAAH!! I knew it!! You two are in sooo much trouble!! I’m going to rip you limb from limb. I shall stew your brains in your own juices! You shall die a horrid death. If I ever find you I’ll roast you alive slowly over a very strong fire. And if you ever do that again, I shall follow you, until you’re inside out; your insides will be your outsides, your intrails become your entrails. I shall rip every ……and tear……Pain! Lots of pain!
Preparing the fire now,
Legolas.

From: Merry_Brandybuck@Buckland/Shire.com
To: , Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com, [email protected] , Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
Subject: Ha!

Hiya! We’re using my lap-top again, ‘cos a particularly fat orc has just fallen on top of Pippin’s, and Pippin’s has started giving of sparks. Everything Pippin owns is rubbish, but don’t tell him I said that, ‘cos he’ll kill me and I need a decoy for the Uruks.
We’re directing this bit at you, Strider. Who cares if you’re getting a move on, you’re obviously not getting a fast ENOUGH move on. And we don’t care how hard it is, you shouldn’t have told Legolas about that particular fish. And if Gimli is still obsessed about Galadriel, tell him to snap out of it. We think Frodo has a bit of a crush on her.
Strider, you are NOT always nice to us. What about that time you dunked us in the river, huh?? Or when you hung us upside down from the branches of a Malorn tree in Lothlorien? And who could forget forcing us to trek from Bree without any second breakfast?
And, we don’t care that Arwen is going to e-mail you. She’ll probably forget about a smelly man like you.
This bit is for you Gimli. Yeah, we’ve seen that gorge. We know about the echoes, cos Pippin kicked me and I kind of….yelled. A tiny bit. But it sounded really loud.
And we are not stupid. Well, maybe Pip is, but I’m not. And it’s your own problem if Legolas is right. Though I must admit, one of those arrows going up your butt WOULD hurt.
Legolas, one word for you. HA! HahahahahahahahahahaHA! And we aren’t scared of your threats. Not even Pippin, and he’s a wimp.

Ok, this is Pippin typing now. I’m gonna get some things straight. First of all Strider, as I remember, it was only Merry that got hung upside down from that Malorn tree. I actually found it quite funny. Don’t tell Merry I said that, as he’ll kill me and I need a decoy for the Uruks.
Also, the only reason Merry doesn’t care about Arwen not emailing you is ‘cos he’s got a crush on her himself. He thinks she’s fine, so if you find me dead it’s because I’ve emailed Estella telling her that, and Merry has killed me.
Gimli, Merry did not yell a tiny bit. He screamed. Very loudly. I’m surprised you didn’t hear him. It wasn’t even a hard kick.
I’m not stupid either. But you have my deepest sympathies if one of Legolas’ arrows goes up your butt. If it does, Merry feels your pain, as Estella once jabbed him up the arse with a pitchfork. Happiest day of my life.
Legolas, that was FUNNY! I can’t believe you didn’t see the funny side of that! I agree with Merry. ‘Cept for the fact that Merry IS a bit scared of your threats, ‘cos if he gets turned inside out he won’t be able to kiss Estella. He doesn’t anyway, but he always hopes. Bit pathetic really.

Merry – PIPPIN!!!! Don’t write that!! I’m gonna delete that now.

Pippin – I wouldn’t do that……

Merry – What have you done to the delete key? It won’t work!

Pippin – Nothing you want to know.

Merry – Ok, well, if I can’t delete embarrassing stuff about me, I’ll write embarrassing stuff about YOU. Ok, once Diamond

Pippin – Okaay, so we really should be going, the orcs are getting all pissed off because only Uruks are allowed laptops.

Bye!

Merry & Pip

From: Orcs_Suck_Uruks_Rule@HeadUruk/Isengard.com
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: Bog off!

Oi, bog off you!! We’ve done a real good job of capturing these two little midgets, so don’t spoil all our good work!! Ugluk.
P.S. D’you have any way of shutting them up at all? The older one keeps on kicking me.

From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
To: Orcs_Suck_Uruks_Rule@HeadUruk/Isegard.com
Subject: Oh get stuffed.

I don’t care if we are undoing all your good work, how would YOU like it if two of YOUR friends got captured by us?
Also, how the heck do you know my email address?
No, I don’t. Sorry man, I feel your pain with trying to cope with those guys. Don’t let them near any fish and you’ll live through the worst.

From: Orcs_Suck_Uruks_Rule@HeadUruk/Isegard.com
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: ?????

I wouldn’t mind actually, all my ‘friends’ are trying to eat the midgets.
And, I don’t have any idea. I think the warped author put it into my address book *sees author glaring at him* But it WAS a good idea, you know.
And how the heck d’you think we’d get any fish? We’re on the run!

From: [email protected]
To: Miner_of_Moria@mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
Subject: You die now!

You little….infestation of evil! You helped the two evil ones! With pranks on ME?! I was always nice to you. Now I’m going in a huff and talking to Aragorn, and YOU’RE NOT INVITED!!!

Gimli doesn’t reply. He thinks for a while about how to get Legolas talking to him, AND how to annoy the elf further. Finally he gets an idea, and starts to type…..

From: Miner_of_Moria@mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
To: [email protected]
Subject: Form

Fangirl Form

Needing a fangirl? Desperate for that true adoring soul mate? Well, now here’s your chance! Simply fill in the below form and send it back to us, and you will be emailed by dozens of lovely ladies, just dying to make your acquaintance!

NAME: Prince Legolas Greenleaf
AGE: 2, 931
GIRLFRIEND: None. That’s why I need a fangirl. Or several hundred.
EMAIL ADDRESS: [email protected]
TYPE OF FANGIRLS PREFFERED: All of them.
AND FINNALLY, TELL US WHY YOU NEED A FANIGRL: I need one desperately. I need comfort and love from fangirls. So let loads (no, hundreds) email me at once!

From: [email protected]
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: Eh?

Why is Gimli laughing like that, Estel?

From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: Eh?

No idea. I’d beware if I were you, Legolas.

So, what d’you think? Please review and tell me. Next chapter: When Legolas discovers his ‘application’ to Fangurls R Us…………

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