I do not own anything of Tolkiens. Honestly! They just came round for a tea-party. WhatÂ’s that Merry? No, you canÂ’t have another cake. I donÂ’t care if it is for Pippin, heÂ’s had enough. No, youÂ’ve had enough too. DonÂ’t help him Pippin. Just go back and drink your tea. Yes, you too Merry. Go on, thereÂ’s a good boy. I donÂ’t care if you donÂ’t like being called that. Well stop acting childish then!
As I was saying, none of these are mine. Because I got an equal amount of votesÂ…No Gandalf, stop shooting sparks around the kitchen. I donÂ’t care if Frodo wanted to see them, my mother will kill me. No Frodo, I didnÂ’t mean I donÂ’t care about *you*. Because I do. Aww, stop blinking those blue eyes at me! Go on then. Have another piece of cake. And *donÂ’t* grin and high-five Aragorn when you think IÂ’m not looking! Blasted hobbit.
Sam, didnÂ’t you just hear me? I *do* like him. Yes. No. Just put the pitchfork down Sam. Sam! Put the pitchfork *down*. ThatÂ’s better.
*As* I was saying, both options are going up, but they will only be small, and will be expanded over time. Also up is ArwenÂ….What? No Legolas, stop pointing the arrow at Gimli. I donÂ’t care if he did call you a pansy, itÂ’s not nice to try and kill your best friend. Now Gimli, apologise to Legolas. No, shouting a dwarvish war cry and holding up your axe does not count as an apology. ThatÂ’s better.
*As* I was saying, *again*, Arwen makes a brief appearance, but causes a lot of ear-ache, Aragorn feels betrayed andÂ…..
Oh, what now Merry? No, I told you, no more cake! YouÂ’ve had enough already! No! PippinÂ’s supposed to be the hungry one, not you!
Pippin, that does not give you an excuse to raid the kitchen. No! DonÂ’t you understand that word? Merry, he *does* understand that word. DonÂ’t pretend that he doesnÂ’t.
Okay you two, empty your pockets. *Empty*, Merry, not half empty. Not into your mouth Pippin, onto the table. Where I can see them. ThatÂ’s better. And stop looking at me like that. No, stop pouting. IÂ’m not affected by that Peregrin, you may as well quit now.
I do not like Frodo more than you Merry. Stop looking so pathetic. And Pippin, I know you arenÂ’t that upset. Pippin, donÂ’t tell him to charm me into giving you more cake! Cos I wonÂ’t listen! I am not afraid to listen to him! No Meriadoc, I am not blushing. IÂ’m not!
OKAY! On with the show! Enjoy, andÂ…what! What do you mean, Boromir just killed Next DoorÂ’s cat?

The lustbunnies word is from Silidan in a review. Cheers!

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected] , [email protected]
Subject: Our helpline

Hello my lovesss. Thiss isss Gollumsess and Smeagolsss. We is starting a lovely helpline precioussss, so if you havess any problemsss emialsss usss. Or just email Gollumsess, cos Smeagolsss stinkssss.

So emialsss usss and seeks our advice. Sssss. And bring uss fissssshhh.

To: [email protected]
From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: ErrÂ…

Hey, did you see that wacked out email from Gollum?”

To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
From: [email protected]:
Subject: ErrÂ…..

Yes, I did. But I donÂ’t care. I have just had an email from a freakishly horrible fangirl, my pack is *really* beginning to smell, and IÂ’ve got at least ten blisters on my foot.

But yeah, I got it.

To: [email protected]
From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: ErrÂ…..

I though elves didnÂ’t get blisters?

To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
From: [email protected]:
Subject: ErrÂ….

WellÂ…..they donÂ’t. But I do. But they donÂ’t. But I do. But theyÂ…..oh, stop laughing Estel, I can see you from here!

To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hey darling

Hey Strider baby! How are you doing on that quest of yours? Have those two annoying little hobbits been got rid of yet? They really are tiresome.

I canÂ’t wait to see you again darling. DaddyÂ’s been trying to hook me up with all these eligible bachelors, but it isnÂ’t working. He made me go on an online-date with Haldir, but after telling him his shoulder guards were SO last year, he went off in a huff.

Email me back soon Strider. With Daddy’s constant tries at becoming Cupid Of The Year ™ and the twins putting fish in my nightie drawer, I really can’t handle anymore.

I love you
Arwen

To: [email protected]
From Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: Hey darling

Arwen! Great to hear from you again! Yes, Merry and Pip got captured by Uruk-Hai, but weÂ’re rescuing them. They are quite useful in a fight, plus I now have two eager and willing sidekicks whenever I get in a huff with Legolas.

Arwen, be nice to Haldir. I admit he can be quite fashion challenged, but play nice. When we went through Lothlorien he tried to kick us out, and spent the rest of our stay glaring at me.

IÂ’m so lonely without you darling. Send me a picture of you please, Merry and Pippin dyed the last one blue and pink, and you now look like a Sylvanian Squirrel/China Doll.

Aragorn.

To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
From: [email protected]
Subject: Hey darling
Attachment: Arwen/dress

Aww, my poor baby! Here, IÂ’ll give you a picture. ItÂ’s one of my favourites. You know, the one you took of me just before you leftÂ…Â….

Gotta go now, DaddyÂ’s mad at the twins again. I think they plucked his eyebrows. Ouch.

Aragorn doesnÂ’t reply. He stares for a long time at the picture, his tongue slowly coming out, and begins to hyperventilate.

To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
For: [email protected]:
Subject: Ahem

Um, Estel, you do know that I have the code to your email and can read all your emails, right?

To: [email protected]:
From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: Ahem

Â…Â…Â…Â…Â…Â…Â…Â…Â…Â…Â…Â…Â…Â….Wha? You what? You What?! You WHAT?!?

To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
From: [email protected]
Subject: Ahem

Please donÂ’t kill me, I have a lot to live for! I have a wife and three kids! Well, I donÂ’t, but I might do sometime! DonÂ’t kill me Estel, PLEEEEEAAAASE!

To: Miner_of_Moria@mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: Arrgh!

That Legolas! May he descend down into hell! I hope the lustbunnies get him good and proper! Do you know what he did! He looked in my email, my PRIVATE email! Gimli, you are my only friend now!

To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
From: Miner_of_Moria@mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
Subject: Arrgh!

AhaÂ….ahemÂ….ahumÂ….While I kinda feel sorry for you in the sense that it must be mortifying for youÂ…I kinda have to say that IÂ….wellÂ….kind ofÂ…..know the code to your email to and looked at it.

But your girlfriend looks very nice. A little skinny, butÂ…..

To: Merry_Brandybuck@Buckland/Shire.com
From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: GrrÂ….

You two are my only friends in the whole wild wide world! We are buddies and pals! Even you do not sink as low as those two fiends! They looked into my private email that had somethingÂ….ahemÂ….important, and LOOKED at it! How evil is that?

To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
From: Merry_Brandybuck@Buckland/Shire.com
Subject: GrrÂ….

Merry: Oh yes, itÂ’s very evil. Very, very evil. We sympathise with you deeply. No word can describe what those two have done. ItÂ’s absolutely horrendousÂ…..

Pippin: Merry, how long are you gonna babble on like that before he finds out that we know the code too?

Merry: PipÂ…..

Pippin: HeÂ’s gonna read that isnÂ’t he?

Merry: Uh-huh. Do you want to fix the delete key now?

Pippin: Wait a minuteÂ…Â…

To: Merry_Brandybuck@Buckland/Shire.com , Miner_of_Moria@mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk , [email protected]
From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: How could you?

How could you all? I feel so betrayed! So violated, so hurt! How could you?

And just out of curiosity, how much did you read? My entire inbox? Including those private night emails I sent Arwen a couple of nights agoÂ…..

To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
From: Merry_Brandybuck@Buckland/Shire.com , Miner_of_Moria@mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk , [email protected]
Subject: How could you?

UmÂ….I think we all agreeÂ…..yep.

Aragorn opens his mouthÂ…Â…

To: Gardeners_World@Hobbiton/Shire.com
From: Rich_cool_funky_Ringbearer@BagEnd/Shire.com
Subject: Sigh

Okay Sam, what have you been doing to Smeagol this time? I know you have, I heard the screams from here! I warn you! If youÂ’ve been sticking stamps on his forehead and trying to post him to Rivendell againÂ…..

To: [email protected] , [email protected]
From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: Help

DearÂ….uhÂ….creatures. I have a problem. All my friends have been sneaking into my inbox and reading my emails, and I am now very hurt. What should I do?
Aragorn.

To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
From: [email protected] , [email protected]
Subject: Help

Hello Precioussss. Thankyou for being the first persssson to visit our very niccce help-page.
We feel very deeply for you Precioussss, yesss we does. However, we should probably say that we know the code to your inbox tooÂ…Â…

To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
From: [email protected]
Subject: Crying

Umm, Estel, you do know that sobbing into your lap-top is very un-kingly, right? ItÂ’s bad for your complexion too.

To: [email protected]
From: Lucia_the_Silver_Lady_of_the_Dawn@Fangurlz_R_Us
Subject: Oh LegolasÂ….

Oh Legolas divine
I see thee shine
Your praise I do sing
For thou art a wondrous thing
Your golden hair glows
And your bravery grows
Oh Legolas fine
Please say youÂ’ll be mine!

A/N: I canÂ’t write love poetry to save my life! I hope this sounds fan-girly enough.

Try picturing LegolasÂ’ face this time guysÂ….

To: Riders_of_the_Riddermark@Smelly_Stables.co.uk
From: Eomer_Horse_Lord_and_Wormtongue_Killer@Rohan_Rox.com
Subject: To arms!

My fellow soldiers! To arms, to arms! I hear screaming of a tortured soul!! We must rescue this poor creature from its tormentors!

To: Eomer_Horse_Lord_and_Wormtongue_Killer@Rohan_Rox.com
From: Riders_of_the_Riddermark@Smelly_Stables.co.uk
Subject: To arms!

Sire! I think I should tell you, this is no mere tortured soul! ‘Tis the scream of a tormented elf!

To: [email protected]
From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: Crying

Hey, uh, Lego? You do know that crying is very, uh, ‘un-kingly’, don’t you? And will probably mess up your complexion.
Ha.

To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
From: [email protected]
Subject: Crying

Shut up.

To: Soon_to_be_Thain@Tookland/Shire.com
From: Merry_Brandybuck@Buckland/Shire.com
Subject: Eep

PipÂ….I have news. Bad, bad, bad news. Such news that would tear into your very soul and rip your heart out. Such news that would give you nightmares for ten years. Such news that would make the very armies of Gondor and Mordor quake. This is the news that I bring.

To: Merry_Brandybuck@Buckland/Shire.com
From: Soon_to_be_Thain@Tookland/Shire.com
Subject: Eep

What? WHAT? Frodo and Sam captured? Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli dead? Sauron reclaimed the Ring? Saruman decided to clip his nails? The Green Dragon burnt to a cinder? Elrond plucking his eyebrows? Farmer Maggot elected Mayor? *gasp* Second breakfast prohibited? WHAT?!?!

To: Soon_to_be_Thain@Tookland/Shire.com
From: Merry_Brandybuck@Buckland/Shire.com
Subject: Eep

NoÂ….worse news.

Estella just sent me an email.

To: TheNine@Up_in_the_air.com
From: [email protected]
Subject: Jeeze

Boys, something *really* has to be done about that screaming down there. And while youÂ’re in the Gondor district, could you buy me and new eye-mask? My old oneÂ’s burnt up.

Oke-doke! I am waiting for more suggestions! Again, another audience participation thingy! This timeÂ….

C: An online dating scheme goes horribly, *horribly* wrongÂ….. (And for whom? Legolas and Gimli? Treebeard and Saruman? Elrond and Denethor? You decide.)
D: Aragorn and ArwenÂ’s emails are made public interest.

I also need ideas for problems that people bring to Gollum and Smeagol, and also for what could happen with Estella and Di! (And also what to do with Boromir and the cat fiascoÂ….my neighbour is gonna kill me)

OkayÂ….toodles!