From: [email protected]
To: Miner_of_Moria@mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
Subject: Sorry

I am very very very sorry I lost my temper like that. It was wrong of me and I should not have let a little something like that destroy our friendship. Can we be friends again?

– Legolas

Gimli doesnÂ’t reply. He stares at the screen for some time, wondering what drug Legolas is on. He then remembers the application to Fangurls R Us. He wonders if thereÂ’s enough time to run back to LothlorienÂ…..

From: Head_Nazgul_-_Puny_Humans_Suck@MinasMorgul/mordor.co.uk
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: Yo Dudes!

Yo dudes! Like, wassup! HowÂ’s the destroying of the Ring going? We are soo, like, gonna get that Ring and squish that mini-man. Elessar man, Sauron is like, totally gonna kick your ass. Ask the pretty-boy how the nail polish is coming on dude. And like, gimme that hot Arwen chicks email. She like, so totally rocks. We have loads to catch up on.

See Ya l8er dudes!
The Witch King Man.

P.S. Fido wants to put in a word.

Chomp. Arrgh. Grr. IÂ’m gonna eat you all, so raaah! DonÂ’t eat to many cheeseburgers, unsaturated fats bring up my cholesterol.

From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: Oh. My. God.

Legolas, I am in a state of shock. Did you know that the Witch King was a hippy?

From: [email protected]
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: Huh?

Estel, take a deep breath and count to one hundred. Put a sock on your head and say ‘Wibble’. Stick a pencil up your nose and do a Morris Dance. Put your head between your knees and kiss your butt.

Now tell me. What the heck are you going on about?

From: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
To: [email protected]
Subject: Â…Â….

Laddie, why is Aragorn doing a Morris Dance?

From: [email protected]
To: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
Subject: Â…Â….

You do NOT wanna knowÂ…Â…

From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: Huh?

Done!

Now, let me tell you. The Witch King emailed me. He asked for my girlfriend’s email address. He said ‘they have loads to catch up on’. His Flying Dragon Thing Which I’m Not Meant To Know About Yet is called Fido and hates cheeseburgers. He called me Dude, for crying out loud!
What is the world coming to?

-Estel

P.S. He calls you pretty boy and asks how the nail varnish is coming on.

From: [email protected]
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: Eh?

He did, huh? IÂ’ll kill him.

And I agree. What is the world coming to? Whoever doesnÂ’t have your girlfriends email and hasnÂ’t had at least ONE date with her has got to be seriously sad.

-Legolas

From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
To: [email protected]
Subject: aaaaaahhhhh

What? You have my girlfriendÂ’s email and have been on a date with her? Dude, I thought you were my friend!

From: [email protected]
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: aaaaaahhhhh

It seems the ‘dudeness’ is catching……

And it was 1000 years ago, get over it. Actually the last date was 10 years ago when you guys had had the enormous fight involving the pineapple and three bottles of rumÂ…Â….. And then there was that time just before we set offÂ…Â…
Hey, I shouldnÂ’t say anymore.

But itÂ’s not just me! ItÂ’s everyone! Haldir, Rumil, Orophin, Gimli, BoromirÂ…..I think even Merry and Pippin!

I really should shut up now, shouldnÂ’t I?

From: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
To: [email protected], Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: hi

Hey guys, whatÂ’s up? AragornÂ’s turned a funny colourÂ…Â….

From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
To: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
Subject: Oi

Gimli, during that time in Rivendell, did you ever have it on with Arwen?

From: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: Hmmmm

What, that cute elvish girl? Well, I may have kissed her once or twice. Mind you, I was very drunkÂ…Â….

I wasnÂ’t the only one. There was Erestor, Figwit, Lindir, FrodoÂ…..IÂ’m surprised you didnÂ’t know!

Why?

From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
To: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk, [email protected]
Subject: Hmmmm

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

From: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk,
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: Hmmmm

Something I said?

From: Emilana_Baby@Fangurlz_R_Us
To: [email protected]
Subject: BE MINE!!!

LEGOLAS!!!! OMIGOD I CANÂ’T BELIEVE ITÂ’S YOU!!!! IF YOU EVER NEED A FANGIRL IÂ’M YOUR WOMAN!!!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS!!!! PLEASE BE MINE!!!!! GO OUT WITH ME!!!!!! PLEDGE YOUR UNDYING LOVE TO ME AND WE SHALL FOREVER BE TOGETHER ALWAYS!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!

LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE

EMILY.

The sounds of LegolasÂ’ screaming can be heard all across Middle EarthÂ….

From: Merry_Brandybuck@Buckland/Shire.com
To: Soon_to_be_Thain@Tookland/Shire.com
Subject: ?

Hey Pip, did you hear some screaming???

From: Rich_cool_funky_Ringbearer@BagEnd/Shire.com
To: Gardeners_World@Hobbiton/Shire.com
Subject:Â…Â…

Sam, did you hear some screaming??? Smeagol didnÂ’t try your stew again did he?

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: hissss

Didsss yousss hearsss somesss screamingsss, my precious, my love?

From: [email protected]
To: TheNine@Up_in_the_air.com
Subject: Eh?

Hey lads, you didn’t hear any screaming up there did you? ‘Cos I did.

P.S. Bring me back some pizza, will you?

From: Random_orc_1@Black_Gate/Mordor.co.uk
To: Random_orc_1@Black_Gate/Mordor.co.uk
Subject: Azg Gabul Slineck?*

Il fortbar hi*il slechlich im hiembrick, forf jeibriechk? **

From: : Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
To: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
Subject: IÂ’m back!

Ok, IÂ’m back to normal now!
Do you have any idea whatÂ’ the matter with Legolas? He screams as if all the hoards of Mordor are coming upon us.

From: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: help

My life is ended.

From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
To: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
Subject: eh?

What do you mean??

From: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/Lonelymountain.co.uk
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: help

My life has shuffled off this mortal coil.

From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
To: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
Subject: eh?

What are you on about????

From: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: help

I am not long for this world.

From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
To: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
Subject: EH?

GIMLI!!!! TELL ME WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE GOING ON ABOUT OR I SHALL INSERT A LARGE LAP TOP INTO YOU THROUGH A VERY PAINFULL WAY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?????

From: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
To: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
Subject: help

AragornÂ…Â….I sighed Legolas up for a Fangurlz R Us application, and I think he just read the first email from a fangirl.

From: Aragorn_Elessar_Estel_Strider_Hope_Dunadan@ranger_hideout.com
To: Miner_of_Moria@Mithril/lonelymountain.co.uk
Subject: Â…Â…

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….I’ll say something nice at your funeral mate, ‘cos you sure ain’t long for this life.

So, did you like it? I know itÂ’s not as good as the first one, but I do try! And donÂ’t worry, youÂ’ll read more of LegolasÂ’ fangirls. Next time : Poetic Licence takes on a whole new meaningÂ…Â…Â…

A/N: IÂ’m going to make this into a kind of Reader Decider thing. So you decide whatÂ’ll happen! WhatÂ’ll happen, A or B?
A) Merry and Pippin get in touch with the girls at home (Estella and Diamond)
B) Gollum sets up a little ‘help-line’……..(run for the hills!)

So, PM me to say whether you want A or B! Or just put it in your review or whateverÂ…Â…

*Mordor Orc-ish forÂ’ What the hell is going on?
** Mordor Orc-ish for ‘Did you just hear some screaming, mate?