Those of us who have been on Road trips know they can be great fun and also that they can go terribly wrong. This particular road trip started at lord Elrond’s sleep over.

Narrator: It was the morning prior to the actual sleep over. It was morning and all were awake. The hobbits were busy eating their breakfasts, while the elves chose to braid each others hair and trade embarrassing stories. The humans argued who was prettier and the dwarves felt left out so they started fighting with the elves.

Elrond: People, People! Calm down, I call a meeting. We must decide what to do.

Boromir: So it is true? There is really nothing to do. I say we paint nails. Long have I owned a new shade called Passionate Pink! Why not use it now?

Aragorn: You should not paint nails. None of us should! Besides, Passionate Pink is a spring color.

Boromir: And what would a mere Ranger know of this matter.

Legolas: This is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn, a fashion editor.

Boromir: A fashion editor? This is Isildur’s Heir.

Legolas: An heir to the magazine of Gondor. You owe him your column.

Elrond: Gentlemen! Let us not argue over nail polish and magazines. I say we should have a road trip! Why not to Mordor?

Narrator: At this comment all of the races argued amongst themselves. Some arguing that they could not possibly go, while others argued that they had nothing else to do.

Frodo: I will drive the car!

Narrator: A silence fell over the peoples of middle-earth.

Gandalf: And I will carry the map as long as you should be the driver.

Aragorn: I give you my suitcase.

Legolas: And you shall have my shampoo.

Gimli: And my shades.

Sam: Mr. Frodo isn’t going anywhere without me.

Merry and Pippin: We’re coming to!

Pippin: You need this sort of intelligence on this vacation…road trip…thing.

Elrond: Nine Companions. So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Road.

Narrator: That night the fellowship got ready for the big Road trip. They would be using Arwen’s pink convertible. She had given her boyfriend Aragorn the keys to the car. The next day the set out. Frodo was the driver, however he was to short to see over the dashboard and couldn’t reach the gas pedal so he had to sit on Gandalf’s lap. Merry and Pippin were both able to sit in the passenger seat because they were so little. Aragorn, Boromir, and Legolas sat in the back seats. This left the floorboard for Gimli and Sam.

Boromir: I’m bored.

Legolas: Yes, are we there yet?

Gandalf: No!

Pippin: I’m hungry.

Gandalf: We ate before we left!

Merry Turn on the Radio!

Narrator: Gandalf turns on the radio. They get static and so they decide to play a cd.

Gandalf: What are the choices?

Merry: She has: Britney Spears, Madonna, Christina Aguilera, Avril Lavigne, JLO, Kelly Clarkson, and Enya.

Legolas: Oh! Play Christina Aguilera! Play Christina Aguilera’s “beautiful!” I love that song.

Merry: It isn’t on this one. That’s another cd.

Legolas; Oh fooey!

Aragorn: RRRRRIGHT. I am going to forget that you ever said that.

Gandalf: Well then, let’s sing a song.

Sam: Like what Mr. Gandalf Sir?

Gandalf: Ninety-Nine bottles of beer on the wall?

Legolas: No! It should be 2,931 bottles of beer on the wall.

Gandalf: Why is that?

Legolas: Because that’s how old I am.

Merry: Well, in that case it shouldn’t be beer! It should be ale.
Pippin: Ale? Where? Where’s the ale?

Gandalf: There isn’t any. Bad idea. Any other song ideas?

Sam: Old Maggot had a Farm?

Pippin: Farmer maggot?! I love his carrots!

Gandalf: No. no. Any other song ideas?

Narrator: There was a long unpleasant silence. Finally pippin broke the silence by saying, “I’m hungry!”

Gandalf: Fine! Frodo pull over! We are going to stop here!

Narrator: Everyone piled out of the car. Sam and Frodo started to set up the picnic with the help of Merry and Pippin. Gimli complained about sitting on the floor in the car, and Legolas, Boromir and Aragorn stretched their legs. However the picnic was cut short when Legolas cried, “Crabeyes from Dunland!”
They quickly gathered the food and jumped into the car. Gandalf quickly put the roof of the convertible up. As the birds passed overhead the car was splattered with, uh you know.

Gandalf: Spies of Saruman. I should have known he would have ruined the trip. He’s just jealous that he wasn’t invited to Elrond’s sleep over! We will take the Pass of Terepas.

Narrator: The Fellowship followed Gandalf’s orders. The hiked the snowy path making conversation as they went.

Legolas: I haven’t exercised this much in five hundred years!

Aragorn: Feel the burn.

Hobbits: (laughing)

Frodo: Wee! Look at me! I am playing in the snow!

Aragorn: Now, now. It is foolish to play in the snow.

Boromir: I like being foolish! I want to play in the snow.

Aragorn: No.

Boromir: (pouts) but I wanted to play in the snow.

Merry: My fury feet ache! Can we stop and rest?

Gandalf: No! We must keep moving.

Narrator: Long unpleasant silence.

Legolas: (sings) I am beautiful. In every single way.

Gandalf: Please stop.

Legolas: Why?

Gandalf: Because I said so.

Legolas: That’s not a reason.

Gandalf: uh-huh

Legolas: na-uh

Gandalf: uh-huh

Legolas: na-uh

Gandalf: uh-huh

Legolas: na-uh

Narrator: This goes on for a long, long time. The good news is Merry got to rest.

Gandalf: uh-huh.

Legolas: n-n-na ugh! (croaks) my voice! My beautiful voice! I’m hoarse! I can’t believe this! How dare you! (sobs)

Aragorn: (whispers to Boromir): No wonder he’s usually quiet. (they snicker)

Gandalf: Come on! We must keep going before it gets any worse!

Narrator: As soon as he says this a blizzard starts. The fellowship stands there. Gandalf is holding back his anger then through the swirling snow they hear Pippin say, “I’m hungry.” They start to make their way through the snowstorm. Unfortunately they get off course and end up on a cliff. Through the howling wind they talk.

Gandalf: WE CANNOT CONTINUE ON THIS COURSE.

Aragorn: DUH!

Boromir: WHY DON’T WE GO TO THE GAP OF ROHAN?

Aragorn: THE GAP? FIGURES YOU WOULD THINK OF FASHION!

Gandalf: (rubs his temples. He has a headache)

Gimli: LET US GO UNDER THE MOUNTAIN! I HEAR THERE IS A MOVIE THEATER DOWN THERE! I THINK THEY ARE SHOWING LORD OF THE RINGS TONIGHT!

Gandalf: (mumbles) I don’t know. I don’t want to think (ow) I need a Tylenol. LET THE DRIVER DECIDE!

Frodo: uh. Movies sound fun.

Gandalf: Whatever.

Narrator: They reach the Movies of Moria and while waiting for the movie attendant came back from a break, they looked at a picture of modern art on the wall.

Gandalf: I love it! Who’s the artist. Hmmm, maybe its some of these funny symbols here. No….not unless the artists name is ‘speak friend and enter’…

Frodo: It’s a riddle. Speak “friend” and enter. What’s the elvish word for friend.

Gandalf: uh. I know this one. Felon. No, Tellin’ no, that’s not it…

Pippin: I’m hungry. A melon would taste nice. (door opens)

Gandalf: Thank you Pip.

Narrator: the fellowship enters and the watcher attacks.

Frodo: AGHHHHHHH!! HELP! UHHHHHGHHH!

Watcher: You didn’t pay for the movies!

Legolas: (shoots arrows)

Watcher: AGHHHHHHHHH! Okay okay! Have the halfling!

Aragorn: (cuts its tentacles) What about the tickets?

Watcher: They’re on the house! Go! Enjoy! AHHHH!! Leave me alone!

Narrator: The fellowship returned to the Movies. Aragorn and Boromir volunteered to get the snacks, while the others got the seats. When they got the food and drinks they went to the theater. They found the guys and handed out the snacks. Gandalf got popcorn and coke. Sam insisted on eating his own rock candy that he had made himself. Frodo and Merry shared twislers and a popcorn. Legolas refused to eat any chocolate saying that it would make his skin zitty, but he drank some water. Aragorn didn’t eat anything and Boromir ate starburts. Gimli just drank dr. pepper. Then there was Pippin. He ate five extra large tubs of popcorn, skittles, twislers, thirteen bags of M&M’s, ten bags of starburts, twelve boxes of gummy bears, two hotdogs, fifty boxes of sweet tarts, six boxes of junior mints and nine extra super sized sodas. As soon as the three and a half hour movie was over he ran to the bathroom. (and I thought it was bad when I had one small soda)

Gandalf: That was a great movie.

Boromir: The people looked kinda familiar…

Legolas: I can’t believe just how UGLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY those goblins were. It should be a crime to go out in public looking like that! I could barely focus on the movie! Their faces…uh! And their teeth. When was the last time they saw the dentist? They also really need a dermatologist! I mean I have seen bad acne in my day, but that was outrageous! And one even had a greeny ooze on his face! Uh. And don’t even get me started on the Balrog! The fire robe was like so last season!

Aragorn: uh Legolas…

Legolas: no, no wait. There is more.. those horns! Can we say plastic surgery?

Gimli: Listen to Aragorn. Shh. Be quiet.

Legolas: No, not yet. I couldn’t believe that Balrog! If you are so tall you really shouldn’t sit in the very front row! How rude!

Gandalf: Legolas. Stop.

Legolas: He’s right behind me isn’t he?

Fellowship: (nods)

Gandalf: RUN!

Narrator: The fellowship starts to run and the balrog chases. They run onto a bridge and over. Gandalf is the oldest and lags behind.

Gandalf: uh….YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Balrog: (tries to pass Gandalf)

Gandalf: (Gandalf trips Balrog with his staff, and the creature falls off the bridge. Gandalf loses his balance and falls with the beast)

Narrator: The Fellowship flees the scene. Once outside the stop to catch their breath.

Hobbits: (cry)

Pippin: (wipes tears off face and walks away. He isn’t crying or upset any longer.)

Merry: You aren’t sad any longer. You only miss Gandalf for two seconds?

Pippin: Gandalf? No! I was crying cause I left my last box of Junior mints at the theater.

Merry: (shakes his head)

Pippin: Merry?

Merry: yes?

Pippin: I’m hungry.

Merry: (groans)

Narrator: The Fellowship traveled from the Movies of Moria to Lothlorien. The y reached the Wood.

Gimli: look out young hobbits, they say that in these woods live evil squirrels.

Frodo: (hears: chatter squeak crunch squeak, squeak, squeakity. He looks frightened)

Sam: Mr. Frodo?

Narrator: A group of Elves emerge from their hiding places.

Aragorn: (speaks in elvish) Haldir you look wonderful. Have you been working out.

Haldir: (speaks in elvish) Yes, so nice of you to notice. Have you lost some weight?

Aragorn: (speaks in elvish) Why yes. Five pounds. I’ve been using slim fast.

Pippin: (leans towards Merry)

Merry: SHHH! If you say I’m hungry I am going to slap you.

Pippin: No! What are they saying?

Merry: I don’t know. They are speaking in elvish. It is probably very important though!

Aragorn: (speaks in elvish) Your hair is so shiny! What do you use?

Haldir: (speaks in elvish) oh I just use some pantene pro-v.

Aragorn: (speaks in elvish) oh! Back to business. Can we stay here?

Haldir: (speaks in elvish) sure dude!

Narrator: The Fellowship stayed in Lothlorien for awhile. While they were there they mostly laid on the platforms in the trees catching up on their tans. They enjoyed the last night the most though. The all were lucky enough to get a few minutes in Galadriel’s hot tub disguised as her “mirror”. Then they braided each others hair and stayed up really late talking and giggling. Then the next morning they departed from Galadriel’s on three brand new Harley Davidson motorcycles. (Two of which had side cars) They were all given the leather jackets and leaf pin that Lothlorien is known for. In the bags on each bike they carried lembras. The fellowship rode the motorcycles all the way along the river. They stopped at Amon Hen.

Legolas: EEK! Oh my goodness! This is dreadful! This is awful! This is disastrous! This is horrible! This is catastrophic! This is unbelievable!

Aragorn: WHAT IS IT?!

Legolas: My hair is wind blown now.

Aragorn: (rolls eyes)

Narrator: While the Fellowship was resting an argument was aroused.

Aragorn: We do not have enough supplies to keep going on this trip. Pippin has eaten half the lembras already and our cash is low. I say we turn back now, before we are broke and stranded in the middle of no where.

Legolas: (gasp) I am too pretty to be stranded.

Boromir: I didn’t come all this way to whimp out now.

Frodo: This trip gave me issues! I HAVE to keep going! I hear Mordor has a really good therapist.

Sam: I go where Mr. Frodo goes!

Merry and Pippin: Rohan sounds good. We want to go there!

Aragorn: Turn back!

Merry and Pippin: Go to Rohan!

Boromir, Frodo and Sam: Keep going!

Legolas: I have to hitch hike?!

Gimli: Go back to Lothlorien!

Narrator: Now this isn’t the Happy ending you really wanted but the Fellowship split. Frodo and Sam going to Mordor. Merry and Pippin each taking a motorcycle to Rohan. Legolas and Gimli following Aragorn. Aragorn chasing after Merry and Pippin because they took all of the food in the motorcycles. And Boromir dying from a-being-a-ditched-syndrome.