IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!!!!- We’ve posted on a new site, but in order to get more readers (go publicity!!! hehe) we’re going to rewrite the next part in a different format anyway. So here’s to another 3 months of waiting! Teehee. Just kidding (I hope).

Gopher of the Things: The Fangirl of the Clean

Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine (except for the fangirls, llamas, all the Estys [you’ll
see :D], and butterflies). They belong to J.R.R.
Tolkien. The part with Boromir singing ‘Row, Row, Row Your Boat’ is also not mine.

This is the first fanfic We’ve ever posted, so go easy on us!

Before you start the story you need to know how we’ve (my friend and I) changed the characters
(some characters will be mentioned later like Sauron and Gollum).

Frodo: paranoid

Sam: likes to sing

Gandalf: former drill Sargent, likes shoes

Merry: kleptomaniac (steals anything and

everything)

Pippin: likes shiny objects

Aragorn: clumsy when doing normal things, but excellent at fighting

Bilbo: forgetful, likes sausage

Arwen: shouts randomly in elvish

Legolas: neat freak (what else?!)

Gimli: wants to complete his butterfly collection

Boromir: hallucinates

Elrond: under enthusiastic

Haldir: Asks random questions

Galadriel: self-conscious

Saruman: 2 words: world domination
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On with the story…

Frodo sits under a tree in the Shire and Gandalf rides by…

Gandalf: Hello, Frodo!

Frodo: What? What do you want from me?! *twitches*

Gandalf: Ah, you big sissy. It’s Gandalf!

Frodo: Gandalf! Do I know a Gandalf?! *twitches*

Gandalf: Of course! How else would I know your name?
Now drop and give me 10 for talking back!

*Frodo drops and gives him a ten dollar bill*

Frodo: Okay, but that’s all I have.

Gandalf: Umm…yeah.

Later…

*Gandalf knocks on Bilbo’s door*

Bilbo: Blast you, Sackville-Bagginses! Leave me alone!

Gandalf: It’s Gandalf! Open the door!

Bilbo: You could be a Sackville-Baggins in disguise.

Gandalf: I’m not.

Bilbo: You could be.

*Gandalf knocks down door*

Bilbo: Gandalf! Lovely to see you!

Gandalf: *sigh*

At Bilbo’s party…

Sam: ♪ We’re devils,
We banchies,
We’re really bad eggs.
Drink up me ‘earties,
Yo ho! Yo ho, Yo ho!
A pirate’s life for me!♪

Mysterious voice: I love this song! Really bad eggs!

Sam:…

Frodo: Go on, Sam! Ask Rosie for a dance!

Sam: I think I’ll just have another ale.

Frodo: What? I know you don’t like me! I know you
planning to kill me!

Sam: Fine I’ll dance!

To Merry and Pippin…

*Merry takes Pippin’s apple*

Pippin: Did you?

Merry: Did I what?

Pippin: Never mind. Give me a lift.

*Merry throws Pippin, and Pippin gets the big, red firework*

Pippin: He he he! Mine, it’s all mine! I took it! I’m a Took which rhymes with crook!

Merry: C’mon! Before someone sees!

*they run off with the firework*

To Frodo…

*Frodo cowers behind a tent*

Frodo: So hungry…can’t eat…*in a high pitched voice* ‘Ale, Mr. Frodo?’ she asked me. Huh, you won’t poison me,
Rosie Cotton! I’m on to you! Oh…ummm, Fatty? What’s that white stuff on my food? *deep voice* Oh that’s salt, Frodo.
Ha! Salt indeed! More like ground glass! *has a twitching fit*

Sam: Frodo! Mr. Frodo! Come quick, Bilbo’s about to make his speech!

Frodo: Coming, Sam! *hushes voice* Right after I’m you won’t stab me!

To Bilbo…

Crowd: Speech!

Bilbo: My dear Bagginses and Boff-…Boff-…*thinks for a moment* I seem to have forgotten my speech.

Crowd: Boo! *start throwing food at Bilbo* *Bilbo slips on the ring and runs away*

At Bag End…

*Bilbo sees Gandalf*

Bilbo: Who are you?

Gandalf: *sigh* Gandalf.

Bilbo: Anyway, I’m going to make this short and sweet. I’m leaving everything to my nephew…ummm…his name
escapes me.

Gandalf: Frodo.

Bilbo: Yes! That’s it! I’m leaving and going to Rivendell. Take care of Frodo, and…Oh! I almost forgot! Give this totally
useless ring to him. *Pippin pops up*

Pippin: Shiny! *bonk* OWWW!

Gandalf: Feel the wrath of my staff, Master Took! MUHAHAHAHA! Now march mister! *Pippin steps on Gandalf’s shoe*
Nooo!!! My precious shoe! YOU SCUFFED IT!!!

Pippin:…*bonk* Owww! Over a stupid shoe?!

Gandalf: STUPID SHOE?!! *chases Pippin*

Bilbo:…Okay…*walks down the road*

Sam: ♪The road goes ever on and on.♪

Bilbo: Shut up! That’s my line!

At the Green Dragon…

Merry, Pippin, and Sam: ♪ Hey ho! To the bottle I go.♪

Everyone: Shut up!

Frodo: *rocks back and forth* Ale is poison. POISON I TELL YOU! *everyone stares* Why are you staring?!

Walking home…

Sam:♪ Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road!♪

Frodo: It’s dark. They are coming for me! They’re after me!! *butterfly flies past followed by a Dwarf with a net*

Peter Jackson: No, Gimli! Not until the Council of Elrond!

Dwarf: But, it’s a rare one! The last one for my collection!

P. J.: NOW, Gimli!! *someone reaches and pulls him away, kicking and screaming*

Gimli: Noooo!

Frodo: Mystical voices, butterflies…RUN AWAY!

Sam: Calm down, Mr. Frodo! *puts comforting hand on his shoulder*

Frodo: DON’T TOUCH ME! *runs up the hill to Bag End* Save me! Aaah! Butterflies!! Help me!!

Sam: ♪If you’re happy and ya know it shout: Help me! If you’re happy and ya…*skips home*♪

Inside Bag End…

*Frodo runs around frantically to find a candle to light*

Gandalf:*grabs Frodo’s shoulder*

Frodo: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Gandalf: It’s Gandalf!

Frodo: Or an Orc that wants me to think he’s
Gandalf?

Gandalf: *starts fire*

Frodo: Oh! Hello, Gandalf!

Gandalf: Okay where is the ring Bilbo gave you?

*Frodo hands Gandalf the ring and Gandalf throws it in the fire*

Frodo: What are you doing?!

Gandalf: *takes ring out of fire* Hold out your hand, Frodo.

Frodo: No! It will burn!

Gandalf: No it won’t. See. *drops it in Frodo’s hand*

Frodo: OW! IT BURNS!

Gandalf: Oops…do you see anything?

Frodo: Some kinda Elvish.

Gandalf: Just as I thought. This is The One Ring.

Frodo: Gasp!
Gandalf: Don’t interrupt my speech! As I was saying, you will take this ring to Mordor.
You don’t trust anyone, so your perfect!

Voice from under the window: Gasp!

*Gandalf goes to window, picks Sam up, and throws him on the table*

Gandalf: Darn it all, Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eavesdropping?!

Frodo: No! Don’t hurt him! Let him go with me for no reason!

Gandalf: Whatever.

Later on the road to Bree…

Sam: ♪On the road agai-♪

Frodo: Shut up!

Sam: Can I hum?

Frodo: Knock yourself out.

In Farmer Maggot’s crops…

Frodo: Something’s going to happen.

Sam: You’re paranoid.

Frodo: Thanks!

*Merry and Pippin run into Sam and Frodo*

Frodo: Told you!

Merry: Hello, Frodo!

*they run from Farmer Maggot and fall down the hill*

*Sam, Merry, and Pippin get mushrooms*

Frodo: Something’s coming! Hide!

*They hide under the hill*

Nazgul #4 (The blind one): Screeeeeeeeech! (Where are you?) *gets off horse*

Frodo: Screeech (down here)!

*Nazgul stumbles around*

Sam: Screeech (What’s wrong with you)?

Nazgul: Screeech screech (#4 the blind one).

Sam: Screech (oh).

Frodo: I wish I could speak Nazgul…

Merry: *steals the mushrooms*

Sam: Where are our mushrooms?!

Merry:*throws and hits Nazgul* I dunno.

Pippin: No! Not the mushrooms! *looks at the slightly dazed Nazgul and notices his armor*

Pippin: Shiny! *steals his armor* Quick! Run!

Nazgul: No! Come back! Ummm…I mean screeeech screechy screech!

At the Prancing Pony…

Frodo: He’s staring! That man is staring!

*Aragorn falls out of his chair*

Frodo:…

Sam:♪99 bottles of ale on the wall. 99 bottles of ale! Take one down, pass it around. 98 bottles of ale on the wall ♪

Everyone: Shut up!

Sam: I’m not loved.

Frodo: Neither am I.

Merry: *sarcastically* I wonder why. *snatches

Frodo’s “poisoned” ale while Frodo sobs into his shirt sleeve*

*Aragorn regains his composure and steps back to sit in his chair but steps on the hem of his cloak and goes sprawling*

Pippin: Too much ale, mate?

*Aragorn doesn’t answer, but he crawls carefully along the floor until he reaches another chair*

Sam: *signals inn owner* Who’s that clumsy man over there? *points to Aragorn*

Barlimen: Well, folks around here used to call him ‘Strider’ before his little accident with a drunk Troll,
but now people either call him ‘Faller’ or ‘The Klutz’.

Frodo: What about ‘The Assassin’? *wipes eyes on other shirt sleeve*

*Barlimen shakes his head*

Barlimen: Be surprised if he actually remembered his real name.

*Sam has a sudden flashback*

Sam: Weren’t we supposed to meet someone here?

Frodo: Ummm…an…Assassin?!?!

Sam: No, it was important. Who were we supposed to meet?

Merry: The FedEx guy? *thinks: no wait that’s me*

Pippin: Jared? (Inside joke) He’s important. He’s sells cool stuff! *fingers diamond bracelet in his pocket*

Sam: Nooo…hmmm…

Pippin: Wait…Gregory?

Merry: Gertrude?

Frodo: Gracie?

Sam: Genevieve?

*all stop and ponder a moment*

Unison: GANDALF!

*all shake hands and congratulate one another*

Two minutes later…

Frodo: He’s staring! That clumsy man is staring!
*points to Aragorn who has seated himself in another chair*
*twitches*

Pippin: Yes, I know. You’ve been telling us that for the past 2 minutes *examines fork*

*Merry snatches Frodo’s “poisoned” bread as Frodo sobs into his shirt sleeve*

*Pippin waves at Aragorn who waves back & falls out of his chair* *again*

Frodo: He’s after me! *he jumps up and starts running but slams into a wall and falls* *the ring miraculously slips onto his finger*
*he vanishes*

Crowd: Gasp!

*Frodo (while still invisible) crawls under a table and pulls off the ring.*

Frodo: Cool!

Aragorn: *who had still been on the floor when Frodo fell* You draw far too much attention to yourself.

Frodo: I draw far to much attention to myself?!?
*Aragorn glares*

*evil looking man looks under table*

Evil man: Wanna play tag?

Aragorn and Frodo: AHHH! HELP ME! *they run up the stairs to a bedroom and slam the door behind them*

To Sam, Merry, and Pippin…

Sam:*from on top of the table* C’mon, fellas! We can do better then that! All together now!

Crowd: ♪the more we get together, together, together the more we get together the happier we’ll be!♪ *continue singing*

Merry: *snatches odd bits of this and that from the oblivious crowd* Keep ’em singin’ Sam!

Pippin: *in a whining voice* Can I have the shiny things, PLEASE???

Merry: No.

Pippin: Please???

Merry: No.

Pippin: Please???

Merry: No!

Pippin: Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh-

Merry: NOOO!

*crowd stops and stares at Merry who is holding all there valuables*

Merry: Uh oh.

*crowd starts chasing after the three Hobbits*

Merry, Pippin, and Sam: AHHHH! HELP ME!!!
*they run up the stairs, holding a few valuables, such as a chair, to a bedroom and slam the door behind them*

Sam: *sees Frodo and Aragorn* Gasp! Frodo and The Assassin!

Aragorn: *draws sword as the unknown “little people” run through the door*

Frodo: No! Don’t hurt me! *hides under bed*

Aragorn: *trips in the excitement*

Pippin: *sees Aragorn’s sword* Shiny! *proceeds to pick it up and cuts himself* OW!

Aragorn: Okay, Gandalf sent me to take you to Rivendell so just go along with it and nothing bad will happen.

At Weathertop…

Frodo: Ahhh! Something bad happened!

Aragorn: It’s just a little scratch!

Frodo: *as his stab wound proceeds to bleed he blacks out*

Sam: Mr. Frodo!

Over to Gandalf…

*Gandalf slams against the wall*

Gandalf: OWW! That’s not cool, dude!

*takes Saruman’s shoes*

Saruman: No! Not the shoes! There part of my world domination plan!

Gandalf:…I’m gonna go ponder my thoughts on the roof.

Saruman: Okay.

Gandalf: *calls eagle and flies away*

Saruman: No! I’ll get you, my pretty! And your little shoes too!

Over to Frodo…

Aragorn:…So…what do we do now?

Sam:♪follow the yellow brick road ♪

Aragorn: There is no brick road! *falls*

*Arwen shows up*

Arwen: *stands in front of Aragorn* Alae!

Aragorn: Behold what?

Arwen: I dunno I just felt like saying it. Here’s the deal: I’m taking Frodo to Rivendell.

Aragorn: Whatever.

Later…

Arwen: The Nazgul are after me! Save me!

Frodo: *opens his eyes momentarily* No! Save me!*resumes being unconscious*

Arwen: Aaahhh! Demon hobbit! He’s turning green!

Nazgul #9 (likes The Emperor’s New Groove): Screech screech screech (squeak squeaker squeak squeak squeaken)!

Arwen: Squeaken squeak to you too, dude!

*Nazgul wears shocked face*

Nazgul: Screech (how dare you)!

Arwen: MUHAHAHAHA!

Frodo:*wakes up momentarily* Elf gone mad! Save me! *resumes being unconscious*

Arwen: Behold! You cannot reach me!
*the Nazgul start walking over the river towards her*

Arwen: Crud. Why don’t I start talking in elvish randomly?!
Nin o Chithaeglir, lasto beth daer, Rimmo nin Bruinen dan in Ulair!
Nin o Chithaeglir, lasto beth daer, Rimmo nin Bruinen dan in Ulair!

*suddenly the river creates waves and washes the Wraiths away*

Arwen: That worked better than I had planned. *looks at Frodo* *Frodo is now a purplish green*
That can’t be good…

At Rivendell…

*Frodo wakes up*

Frodo: Where am I?!

Gandalf: In Rivendell.

Frodo: *suspiciously* Really…

Gandalf: Thanks to Lord Elrond.

Elrond: Hey. *examines fingernail*

*Sam runs over he appears to be extremely hyper*

Sam: HI!

Gandalf: How about some coffee, Frodo? *hands him a bubbling green substance*

Frodo: No! Something’s wrong with it!

Sam: *bites nail* Coffee. There’s nothing wrong with the coffee!!! I DRINK IT ALL THE TIME AND I’M FINE!!!
*proceeds to jump around*

Gandalf: On second thought…

Over to Aragorn and Arwen…

*standing on bridge*

Arwen:Dolle naa lost.

Aragorn: What do you mean my head is empty?! *falls in water*

*Arwen tries to conceal her laughter but fails*

At The Council of Elrond…
Elrond: Elves, Hobbits, Dwarves, Men, and miscellaneous others.
You have been summoned because we need someone to destroy this ring.

Council:…

Elrond: We need 9 volunteers. I dunno why. It’s just a nice number.

Frodo: Me! *twitch*

Gandalf: Me!

Aragorn: Me! *falls*

Gimli: Me!

Frodo: AH! It’s the evil butterfly Dwarf!

Sam:*pops out of bush* *singing* Me!

Merry:*pops out from behind a pillar* Me!

Pippin:*does same a Merry* Me!

Legolas:*looks in mirror* Does this robe make me look fat?

Elrond: Thank you for volunteering, Legolas.

Legolas: But…oh well.

Boromir:*points to man* I think you should go.

Elrond: Thanks for volunteering, Boromir.

Boromir: But…

Elrond: No buts.

Boromir: Crud.

Sam: Can we eat now *has flashback of the night before*

Bilbo: *reaches for sausage* Yay! My favorite!

Gloin: Ummm…that’s turkey sausage, Bilbo. You know the Elves and their weight.

Bilbo: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

*Sam blinks and comes back to reality*

*everyone’s gone*

Sam:♪I want to eat, eat, eat, apples and bananas! I want to…♪*skips merrily to feasting hall*

Later…

*Frodo is guarding his shiny new Mithril vest*

Frodo: Pippin’s coming for it!

*sirens start going off*

Frodo: Hide! *runs and slides under bed*

Meanwhile…

*the elves grab their weapons*

Elf: Quick! Evasive maneuver 13! The llamas are attacking!

Llama chieftain (Mr. Alfonzo):No more ridicule! We shall soil all the elves’ uncanny cleanliness!

Legolas:*puts on an apron and rubber gloves* Come on, ELVES! Get out the soap and disinfectant!
The llamas and their odors are goin’ down!

Elves:*rally together their cleaning supplies* Here! Here!

Sam: *runs out with mop* ♪ We will, we will clean you!♪ All together now!

Elves and Sam: ♪ We will, we will clean you!♪

Legolas: Whoopee! *sprays soapy water on approaching llamas*
*Elves run out with scrub brushes and begin vigorously scrubbing the protesting llamas*

llamas: No! *launch catapults containing marsh slop*
*it all lands on Legolas and his shiny blonde hair is now a dirty brown color*

Legolas: Nooo! *runs away sobbing*

*Elves and llamas are battling with soap and mud*

*a lone butterfly flutters over the battle scene* *slow motion*
*Gimli runs out with a butterfly net* *a ball of slop soars through the air and hits the butterfly*

Gimli: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *scene speeds up* *Gimli runs into the fray weeping
and swinging his butterfly net at elves and llamas*

Llama chieftain: The fragrance of nectar! The butterfly Dwarf smells like nectar! RRRRRUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!
*llamas flee* *elves cheer for Gimli who is still weeping over the loss of his butterfly*
*elves clean up*

To Frodo…

Frodo: *cowering beneath bed and clutching his chain Mithril mail* Loud noises…BUTTERFLIES!…
*twitches* llamas with soap and…NECTAR! AAAHHH!

*Bilbo looks under bed munching on a bit of sausage*

Bilbo: Frodo, er…are you alright?

Frodo:*smiles brightly and twitches* Yes, Bilbo. Actually, I’m in a really good mood!

Bilbo: Ummm…

Frodo: Yes?

Bilbo: Is “Bilbo” really my name?

Frodo:…

Pippin: *pops head through the door* Frodo! Bilbo! You should have seen the battle outside! All the llamas-

Frodo: Llamas!! Aaah!

Pippin: Ummm…Well anyway *gasps when he glimpses Frodo under bed* Its…so…SHINY!!! *dives under bed*

Frodo: Nooo! It’s mine! *runs frantically out the door* *Pippin chases*

*run into Boromir*

Boromir: Oh! Hello, Midgets.

Frodo & Pippin: Hobbits.

Boromir: Well, anyways Midgets. Meet my friend,

Westy! *points to empty air*

Hobbits:…

Boromir: Oh don’t mind his pink skin. It’s all perfectly normal.

Hobbits: *blink* *twitch*…

Boromir: Er…well, see ya! C’mon Westy! *walks away talking to “Westy”*

Pippin: *watches Boromir turn the corner* Well anyway. SHINY! *chases Frodo*

Frodo: Aaah! Help me!

To Sam…

*Sam, walking down the road, spies Legolas crying as he tries frantically to clean his hair*

Sam: Hi, Legolas.

Legolas: Go away. Don’t look at me!

Sam:♪Put a smile on your face. Make the world a better place.♪

Legolas: Shut up.

Sam: I guess this wouldn’t interest you then. *pulls out bottle of Ltd. Edition Blueberry Shampoo*

Legolas: *mouth gapes open* Limited Edition Blueberry Shampoo! They only made 50 of these!

*Sam pulls out 49 other blue bottles*

Sam: You mean these?

Legolas: GIMME! *dives for them*

*Sam jumps back and Legolas falls face-first into the dirt*

Legolas: No!

Sam: How about I make a deal with you. I give you the shampoo if I can sing when ever I want.

Legolas: Okay! *they shake hands*

Sam: We have an accord.

Legolas:…

To Frodo and Pippin…

*Pippin has Frodo cornered*

Frodo: No! Don’t hurt me! *throws vest at Pippin*

Pippin: Shiny is mine! *bonk* OWWWW!

Gandalf: Muhahaha!

Pippin: Okay fine! *hands vest back to Frodo*

Frodo: *runs away* It’s mine! It’s all mine! Muhahaha!

Gandalf: Umm…That was weird. *sees Pippin rubbing his head* Why are you still here?
Attennn…tion! March 2, 3, 4, March, 2, 3, 4…*Pippin steps on Gandalf’s shoe* *again*
MY SHOE!! YOU SCUFFED IT!!!!!! *raises staff*

Pippin: No! *runs off screaming*

Later…

*Fellowship is about to leave*

Elrond: Okay see ya later…if you live. *examines
strand of hair*

Frodo: Nooo! I’m gonna die!

Legolas: We all die…eventually…

Sam: That’s deep.

Pippin: Like pie?

Merry: *snatches Pippin’s favorite shiny fork from The Prancing Pony* No! Like cake!

Pippin: Pie!

Merry: Cake!

Pippin: Pie!

Merry: Cake!

Boromir: Westy says it’s neither. It’s a spiritual thing.

*Hobbits stare wide eyed*

Pippin: Spiritual!

Merry: Emotional!

Pippin: Spiritual!

Merry: Emotional!

Pippin and Merry: *bonk* Owww!

Gandalf: Merry, give Pippin his fork.

Merry: Oh fine. *under his breath* Emotional. *bonk* Owww!

Later…

Frodo: Something’s coming!

Sam: …

To Merry, Pippin, and Boromir…

*Boromir is teaching Merry and Pippin to sword fight*

Merry: Like this? *clashes blades with Boromir*

Boromir: Good! Your turn, Pippin.

*Pippin stares at his sword*

Pippin: Shiny!

Boromir: *proceeds to fight Pippin thinking “Shiny” is a battle cry* *cuts Pippin*

Pippin: Ow! *launches self at Boromir*

Boromir: It wasn’t me! It was Westy! No, Westy! Don’t leave me! I’m sorry!

*wrestles Pippin off of him and runs under a bush pleading Westy to come out*

Legolas: *looks into his mirror and gasps* Ugly, yucky, black, gross, evil birds of Saruman! Hide! *everyone hides*

Birds: *chanting* Vote for Saruman: Future ruler of the world!! *repeat over and over*

Bird captain: Look! The shoes Saruman told us to capture! *points to shoes protruding from beneath
a rock* *grabs shoes and fly off*

Gandalf: NOOOO!!! My shoes! *breaks down sobbing* Insubordination!

Boromir: *sniffles* Westy’s gone. He said it just wasn’t working out.

Frodo: *sticks out his tongue at Sam* Toldja so!

Sam:…

Gandalf: *wipes eyes on sleeve and puts on his spare pair of shoes* See that?
*points to a huge mountain with lots of snow*
We gotta cross over that because Saruman has my favorite pair of shoes.

Sam: ♪We’ll be comin’ round the mountain when we come… ♪

Everyone: Shut up!

Sam: I’m still not loved. *cries* *thinks* Wait! I don’t have to shut up. I have a deal with Legolas! ♪I’m lovin’ it♪

*everyone stares at Legolas*

Legolas: What? *they proceed to kill him* Wait! *holds out shampoo bottle* You can have this if you don’t kill me.
*ponders* No. I want it. *stuffs bottle in pocket* *They look on stupefied*

Sam: No! Don’t kill him! Then our deal would be off, and I can’t sing! Plus his fangirls would kill you all!

Gandalf: Yes. Don’t hurt him. His fangirls are…scary. *shudders*

Legolas: Oh, yes. You remember the incident with the llamas?

Everyone:*shudders* Yes.

Legolas: You don’t want to know what happened when my fangirls got to them.

*bald llama runs across the scene covered in acid and nail polish. Nail scratches cover his body*

Llama: No, I don’t want to get in touch with my feminine side! Nooo! Not mascara!! Aaaahh!! It burns!
*collapses in a pathetic heap*

Boromir: Don’t cry, Lesty! I would never let his fangirls hurt you!

*everyone stares*

Boromir: Oh don’t mind his green skin. It’s perfectly normal.

Merry: Ummm…

Boromir: Yes, midget?

Sam, Frodo, Merry, and Pippin: Hobbit.

Boromir: Yes, yes, midgets. I know.

Merry: *sighs and looks at Boromir* What exactly IS Westy?

Boromir: No Lesty. Westy left me for a better man. *eyes water* but now I have Lesty who would never hurt me!

Gimli: uh huh…
Aragorn: *crawls out of a bush he just fell into* Boromir, do you know what it’s like to be in a mental institution?
I’ve always wanted to know, and you seem like the kinda person who would know.

Gandalf: No more small talk! We’ve gotta cross over that mountain. Now, form two lines. Straighten up there, Brandybuck!
Boromir, why are you standing beside the line?

Boromir: Because Lesty doesn’t want to stand on the outside!

Gandalf: No talking back! Now, get in line before I make you!

Later on the “big mountain”…

Frodo: Something’s gonna happen!

Sam: Why do you keep saying that?!?

*blizzard starts up*

Frodo: *yells* TOLDJA SO!!!

Gimli: Are there any butterflies up here?!?

Boromir: Lesty’s cold!

Legolas: My hair is getting tossled!

Merry: I thought that was attractive!

Legolas: Oh, yeah!

Sam: ♪Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!♪

*starts snowing harder*

Merry: Nooo! *tackles Sam*

Aragorn: *falls into the snow* We’re never going to make it! Gandalf, we have to go back!

Gandalf: Nooo! My shoes!

Pippin: Forget about the stupid shoes!!

Gandalf: STUPID SHOES??? *raises staff*

Pippin: No! *cowers*

Gandalf:…Seems as if you’ve learned your lesson, Master Took. The first rule you need to know is NEVER insult shoes!

Legolas: That’s nice. Can we go now?!

Boromir: Lesty says Legolas is stupid. *fangirl appears* No! Don’t hurt Lesty! No! Lesty, come back! I’ll protect you! Don’t leave!
*cries* *hits mountain with sword in distress*
*causes avalanche*

Legolas: Boromir, you idiot!

At the Doors of Durin…

Gandalf: Open! *hits door with staff*

Frodo: Do the doors give instructions?

Gandalf: Let me see *reads* It says: Property of Weta Workshop Wellington, New Zealand…

Everyone:…

*Arwen walks up*

Arwen: Mellon! *doors open*

Legolas: However did you know?

Arwen: Know what?

Legolas: Nevermind, it’s not important.

*Arwen walks away* *they enter the mines*

Boromir: Now is not a good time, Festy. *listens* Oh, fine. Gandalf, is there a restroom in here? Festy needs to go.

Hobbits: *blink*

Boromir: Don’t worry about his orange skin. It’s perfectly normal.

Merry: *steals helmet from a dead Dwarf*

Gandalf: Put that back, Meriadoc! Don’t mess with the dead Dwarves.

Gimli: What?! I thought they were Hobbits! *cries*

Boromir: Midgets.

Sam: Hobbits!

Boromir: Whatever.

Later in the tomb room…

*Gimli is crying*

Gandalf: *reads book* We cannot get out. They are coming.

Frodo: That’s what I’ve been saying since day one!

Pippin: Watch this! *knocks bucket and skeleton into a well*

Gandalf: Fool of a Took!

Gimli: *sobbing* We’re all gonna die because of you!

Frodo: *wears a shocked face* Someone actually agrees with me! Dude, that’s weird.

*They here drums in the deep*

Sam: ♪Don’t worry be happy♪

Merry: Do you EVER shut up!?

Sam: No…

*the Orcs arrive*

Aragorn: *kills the Orcs with great agility*

Everyone: *stares at Aragorn wide eyed*

Aragorn: What?

Everyone: You’re not falling!

Aragorn: I’m not! *laughs*

*more fighting…more fighting…*

*they kill most of the orcs and a huge purple bunny hops in*

Bunny: RRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRR!

Frodo: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Legolas: *kills bunny w/ single shot**thinks* My hair! *looks in mirror*

*they hear a bigger roar*

Gandalf: To the bridge! *they run to the bridge and are met by a gigantic blue badger*

Badger: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Gandalf: You shall not pass! *hits bridge with staff* *badger losses balance and falls off bridge*
NOOO! I’ll save you! *jumps of bridge*

Boromir: NOOOOOO! FESTY! Don’t jump! NOOOOO! *runs out crying*

Outside the mines…

*everyone is crying…but Legolas. Legolas didn’t see what happened because he was too busy with his…hair*

Legolas: *brushes hair* What’s wrong with all of you?

Frodo: Gandalf fell.

Boromir: Westy…then Lesty…then WAAAAA!

Legolas: *drops brush* Noooooooo! Not Gandalf! He had all my bleach!! *cries*

Aragorn: Okay. We gotta get to Lothlorien.
*points toward Lorien and falls of rock*

Later…

*they run into the forest*

Gimli: An elf witch lives here ya know.

Frodo: Elf witch! *screams and runs behind Aragorn*

Gimli: *snickers*

Legolas: *hits Gimli with his bow*

Gimli: Ow! It was a joke!

Frodo: Or are you just wanting us to think that?

Legolas: There isn’t an elf witch! I’m an elf! I should know.

Frodo: How old are you???

Legolas: Um…uh…it’s not important.

Frodo: But I wanna know.

Legolas: Old, okay? *eyes start to water*

Frodo: Just as I thought…you’ve lost too many brain cells. You couldn’t possibly remember if there is an elf witch.

Legolas: What?! Elves have perfect memories!

Boromir: Stop poking me, Pesty! *everyone stares* Don’t mind his red skin it’s-

Everyone: Perfectly normal. We know.

*suddenly they are surrounded by elves…armed elves*

*Haldir appears*

Haldir: What color is your underwear?

Legolas: Excuse me?!

Gimli: What’s underwear?

Everyone: ?!?!?! *they back away from Gimli*

Haldir: Okay, anyway, come with me. The Lady of the Wood wants to see you.

Frodo: The elf witch!

Legolas: The elf queen!

Frodo: Old man.

Legolas: *starts crying* I’m only 2,931!

Frodo: Only 2,931?! I’m only 61!

Boromir: Only 61! I’m only 36! How old are you, Pesty? *wears shocked face*
5 billion! You liar! Wait! No! I’m sorry, Pesty! *cries*
Oh hi, Testy! Wait! I just said hi! Nooo! *begins crying again*

In Caras Galadon…

*Celeborn and Galadriel appear*

Galadriel: AAAH! People! Don’t look at me! I’m filthy!

Frodo: Evil elf witch!

Galadriel: *burst out crying* Am I really that ugly?

Boromir: Zesty says that you’re really pretty.

Galadriel: Who’s Zesty?

Boromir: He is! *points to empty air*

Galadriel:…

Boromir: Oh, don’t mind his gray skin…

Fellowship: It’s perfectly normal! We know!

Galadriel: *speaking in Frodo’s mind* You seem like an honest fellow. Am I fat?

Frodo: The evil elf witch is threatening me! Stay away!

*Galadriel begins crying*

Legolas: We need to work on your self esteem.

Galadriel: Will you really help me?

Legolas: Of course, my lady. Let’s start with a complete make over! This won’t take long.

8 hours later…

Galadriel: Are you done yet?

Legolas: Almost.

15 hours later…

Legolas: Okay, done! *stands Galadriel in front of a mirror*

Galadriel: Ahhh! I look exactly like you!

Legolas: And?…

Galadriel: I don’t wanna look like you!

Legolas: *runs off crying* *fangirls appear*

*some go to comfort Legolas, and some approach Galadriel*

Galadriel: Oh no…Ahhh! Rabid fangirls! Run!

*fangirls chase Galadriel*

*they run by Boromir*

Boromir: Lesty? Is that you? You joined the rabid fangirls?! Wait! Come back, Lesty!
No! Zesty! I like you better! Nooo! Came back!
Don’t join the fangirls too! Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

Galadriel: *stops and thinks* Wait! I’m a powerful elf! I have power! I’ll turn them all into rats! *she turns to the fangirls*
*says in elvish* RATS! *fangirls turn into butterflies* Oops…

Gimli: Butterflies! *pets one of the butterflies*
*butterfly bites Gimli*

Gimli: Ow! *hits butterfly*

Butterfly: Attack! Attack! *butterflies attack Gimli*

Gimli: Ahhh! Save me! *Galadriel turns the butterflies back into fangirls* *fangirls proceed to attack Gimli*

Gimli: AAAHHHH! Not helping!

Legolas: Wait! No! *fangirls stop* I have to make friends with them for no apparent reason.

Fangirl #24: We must follow our leader’s rules! Now let’s go download pictures of Legolas off the internet!

Fangirls: Wooo! *they disappear*

Legolas: What’s internet?

*everyone is baffled by this question*

Frodo: Something tells me a little almost bald man knows (you’ll understand later).

Sam: What?! That’s ridiculous!

Galadriel: Okay, that’s it! You people are too much trouble! You must leave! Take these supplies *hands
Sam rope, Legolas a bow, Merry and Pippin daggers, Boromir a belt,
Frodo a small light thingy (yes I know it’s the Phial of Galadriel but would that sound funny??),
Gimli three strands of her hair, and gives them all cloaks*
*she throws them in boats* And never come back!

Later…

Sam: ♪Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream!♪

Boromir: ♪Once the ring belongs to me I’ll only need a queen!♪ I mean…um…he he.
No, Besty I will NOT marry you! Wait, Besty! Nooo! *cries*
Oh, Questy! Hi! Everyone, meet Questy! Oh don’t mind his yellow-

Everyone: Skin. It’s perfectly normal!

Frodo: Any other friends we should know about?

Boromir: Actually, yes. There’s Desty, Gesty, Hesty, Kesty, Mesty, Nesty, Resty, Sesty, Yesty, and Bob.

Sam: Bob?

Boromir: Yes, Bob. He’s the best. Wait, no! Everyone! I didn’t mean it! No! Bob! Don’t go! *cries*

*Aragorn falls out of the boat*

*Frodo and Sam TRY to pull him in but fall in too*

Sam: Ahhh! I can’t swim! Help!

Frodo: I’m gonna die!

Aragorn: Stand up! It’s only 3 feet deep here. *they stand up*

Both: Oh!

*Aragorn pulls them back in*

*They paddle to shore*

Aragorn: Okay, Frodo and Boromir go collect firewood. The rest of you just…sit here???

Sam: ♪Bob the builder! Can we fix it?♪

Aragorn: Okay that HAS to stop! Please! At least that song!

Sam: Okay, fine.

Legolas: Something’s going to happen!

Aragorn: You sound like Frodo!

Legolas: Has Frodo ever been wrong about it?

Aragorn: Well, no but-

Legolas: Exactly.

Aragorn: But you’re Legolas. Not Frodo.

Over to Frodo and Boromir…

Frodo: So…Vesty is your only friend.

Boromir: *sniff* Yes, my one and only. That’s all. Wait! No, Vesty! You’re a good one and only! Come back!
*cries* *looks at Frodo* I hate you. Wait! I’ll borrow your ring and give it to Vesty as a present! He’ll be my friend then!
Frodo, give me your ring!

Frodo: Never! Muhahahaha! *puts on ring*

Boromir: I’ll catch you one day! After all, it’s not like I’m gonna die or anything.

Later…

*Merry and Pippin are taken by the orcs*

Pippin: Road trip! Woo!

*Boromir collapses with 3 arrows in his chest*

Boromir: Slight change of plans. *eyes water* I wish Westy was here. Westy! I knew you would come back!
*Aragorn walks up*

Aragorn: Boromir! Noooo! *falls*

Boromir: Westy, tell everyone… I’m sorry. *dies*

Aragorn: Noooo! *cries*

*Legolas walks up*

Legolas: What’s wrong?

Aragorn: Boromir’s dead.

Legolas: Woohoo! I mean…umm…how tragic!

To Frodo…
*gets in boat* *Sam runs and jumps into boat*
*boat sinks*

Sam: Ahhh! I can’t swim! Help!

Frodo: Stand up! It’s only 2 feet deep.

*They grab another boat and float away*

To Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli…

Aragorn: Soooo…let’s chase Merry and Pippin and leave Frodo and Sam to die!

Legolas: Okay!

Gimli: Lets go!

*they run off to find Merry and Pippin*

To Frodo and Sam in Emyn Muil…

Frodo: So…we finally got rid of all those scary people.

Sam: Yes, finally. Now we can be at peace…and I can sing! Frodo? Mr. Frodo? Right Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: Well no matter what I say you’re just going to sing anyway, so go ahead.

Sam:♪May it be an evening star shines down upon you. May it be…♪

Frodo: *bangs his head on a rock repeatedly*

Well That’s the end of The Fangirl of the Clean. Coming soon: The Gopher of the Things: The New Powers.
Special thanks to my Friend Erika for helping to make this parody and to Penny for giving me the idea of the llama war.
Please R&R! Thanks! Namarie!

Well readers…The New Powers part 1 should be up in a couple days!!! 🙂 Yes, I’m happy too. Oh and we are just about to create…Helm’s Deep: The Musical 😀 Well ppls…I g2g see about L.F.C. (Legolas fangirl commitee) Navear!!!