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The Handbook for Rangers

Did you always want to be a ranger, or ARE you one, but you don’t think you’re a good one? Then read this ‘Handbook for Rangers’ and you’ll know all the secrets of spying, camouflage, and… more.

This Handbook is written by Aragorn son of Arathorn son of Arador son of Argonui son of Ar… okay okay ENOUGH.

Part 1 of The Handbook for Rangers: How to follow tracks

Yes, this is a difficult part. Tracks are not always well visible. Read and learn!

1. Don’t forget your glasses or contacts if you are a ranger with bad eyes. Okay, I think this one is pretty for granted.

2. When you see tracks, tell your companions to halt. They’ll ruin the tracks! YOU have to take the initiative. YOU are a ranger. So now take a look at the tracks. What do you see? Footprints? Move on to the next point.

3. When there are footprints, first take a look at the shoe-soles of your companions. Maybe they made the tracks just to bother you. Then take a look at your own shoe-soles……. maybe you’ve already walked there, and you have forgotten it.
Now….. look well at the footprints. Was it an orc? Was it a man? An animal? (NOTE: animals don’t wear shoes) Was it that elven-maiden you have the hots for? If it was her, don’t lose your concentration!
Okay, now take a look at how deep the footprints are. If they are deep that means the person was a heavy person. Man you’re in trouble if that person is still around. What to do? Well…. RUN!!
If the footprints are not deep, there is no need to worry. Just stay where you are, and continue your work.

4. If the not-so-deep footprints lead to a place, follow them. Good chance that you’ll find someone there! If the footprints go in circles, good chance that they are your own. If the footprints have the size of Bigfoot and are red painted, good chance they are made by a little boy who decided to tease some rangers.

Part 2 of The Handbook for Rangers: How to spy

1. When you spy DON’T show your self. Otherwise you cannot call it ‘spying’, you can call it ‘ten-more-seconds-to-live’ or ‘time-to-make-my-testament’.
So never show yourself, unless you’re trying to invent a new way of committing suicide.

2. You should do best to wear camouflaging clothes, see Part 3: How to camouflage.

3. Write things down, while spying. Don’t forget your pen! If you use a pencil, don’t forget your pencil sharpener! And most important of all: DON’T FORGET TO BRING PAPER.

4. Don’t drink while spying. Otherwise you might forget everything you saw, and you can’t read what you wrote, because your papers are soaked with alcohol and other stuff that-is-too-gross-to-write-down. There is also a chance that the people who you are spying hear your burps/hiccups and discover you.

Part 3 of The Handbook for Rangers: How to camouflage yourself

1. Make sure that the colour you’re wearing is the same as the main colour of the place where you are. So DON’T wear ORANGE when you’re going to a place with GREEN grass. And DON’T wear PINK when you’re going to spy near a BLUE lake. You see, all the lakes are blue. Oh yes, DON’T wear glow-in-the-dark stars on your outfit when it’s night, because people travellers will think you’re a walking road sign, and they will make sure that you don’t walk anymore.

2. For the female rangers: DON’T wear make up that isn’t waterproof. Rangers often have to deal with rain you know. So on a rainy day you will look like a clown, and believe me, that is not a good disguise.

Part 4 of The Handbook for Rangers: How to make an elven-maiden fall in love with you

1. When you see her the first time, call her Tinúviel. I did that, and believe me it worked.

2. Next point: brag about your origin. Say that you are king or something. Elven-maidens always get the hots for kings.

3. Next step: ask her father for permission to marry her. Good chance that he’ll say ‘no’. Maybe he’ll give you a task first. You’ll have to steal a silmaril or something. Nothing difficult about that…. nope.

4. So, now you can ask her to marry you! Good luck…..

So all you future rangers, now you’ve read this I’m sure you became a lot SMARTER. But of course…. you’ll never be as smart as me….