Scene 1:

(Flashback)

Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The Balrog flicks Gandalf off the edge of the bridge he’s standing on. The Balrog goes down too.)

(Gandalf falls and grabs onto his falling sword. He stabs the Balrog in mid-air.)

Balrog: NO!!! ARGH!!! ROAR!!!

(They fall.)

Scene 2:

(Frodo wakes up from watching that scene.)

Frodo: NO!!!!! GANDALF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sam: It was just a dream Mr. Frodo. Get a grip.

Frodo: Don’t tell ME to get a grip.

(Frodo and Sam are somewhere in the mountains.)

Sam: I think we’re lost.

Frodo: I KNOW we’re lost. So there. Ha.

Sam: I don’t think Gandalf wanted us to come here…

Frodo: I don’t think he wanted to fall off a bridge either.

Scene 3:

Sauron: I SEE YOU!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Frodo: Ack…the ring…it’s getting heavier…

Sam: Here…let’s stop for something to eat.

(Sam digs through his backpack and pulls out lembas bread.)

Sam: Okay, for our appetizer we have lembas bread. And for our entrée we have…more lembas bread. For desert…oh lookie! MORE LEMBAS BREAD!!!

Frodo: Hmm. It all sounds so good I can’t decide.

Sam: I’ll help you decide! Here’s some lembas bread!

Frodo: Oooh. Yum.

Scene 4:

Sam: Wow. This looks familiar.

Frodo: We’ve been here before.

Sam: I smell something. Eew. It’s like a bog or something…

Frodo: No…remember? You haven’t used deodorant in awhile.

Sam: Oh…

Scene 5:

(Frodo and Sam are sleeping. Gollum creeps up on them.)

Gollum: Here…precious, precious. Come to Gollum….

Sam: (muttering in his sleep) Lembas…lembas…that Orc has my wallet…more lembas…

(Gollum jumps on Frodo, grasping for the ring. Frodo and Sam get up and tackle Gollum.)

Frodo: STUPID CORRUPTED MONKEY!!!

Gollum: IT’S MY PRECIOUSSSSS…YOU CAN’T HAVE IT!!!

(Frodo pulls out Sting.)

Frodo: This is Sting!

Gollum: Hello Sting!

Scene 6:

(Frodo and Sam are pulling Gollum on a leash.)

Gollum: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I WANT MY PRECIOUSSSSSSSSS!!! GIMMEE!!! IT’S MINE!!!

Sam: FRODO! Every Orc in Mordor is gonna hear this monkey! Can’t we just tie him up and leave him??? PLEASE!!!

Frodo: No.

Gollum: We SWEARS! We SWEARS to be a good little Gollum! Puh-leeeeese?

Frodo: You will take us to Mordor.

Gollum: (does happy dance) Okie dokie!

Sam: Awwww…

Scene 7:

(Merry and Pippin are riding on Orcs after being captured.)

Pippin: Giddy-up Orcy!!!

Merry: Shut up Pippin! We may have A.D.D. but I don’t wanna be killed!!!

Pippin: Okie dokie. Shutting up.

Orc: I smell…body odor…

Merry: Aragorn…

Scene 8:

(Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli are searching for Merry and Pippin.)

Gimli: Why are we searching for them? They are so annoying!

Legolas: Yes. And my hair is developing a tangle.

Aragorn: (ignoring the complainers) The Orcs are taking Merry and Pippin to Isengard.

Gimli: Yay! (Aragorn shoots a dirty glance at Gimli.) I mean…OH NO!!!

Scene 9:

Saruman: I will rule the world with my Uruk-hai! The trees will die…the men will die…everything will die!!! I will rule the world with Sauron!

Uruk-hai: Whoopee!!!

Scene 10:

Some lady with no distinct name: RUN LITTLE KIDS!!! YOU MUST GO TO ROHAN!! EVIL DUDES ARE ATTACKING US!!!

(The little kids run.)

Scene 11:

(In the kingdom of Rohan.)

Eowyn: No!!!

Eomer: Yup. Your cousin’s dead.

Eowyn: (wails) No!!!

Scene 12:

Eomer: Orcs ambushed your warrior people.

Theoden: I don’t care…I’m corrupted by Saruman…

Wormtongue: Get rid of the crazy man.

Eomer: NO! Wormtongue is evil!

Theoden: And I’m corrupted so I don’t care. Go away!

Scene 13:

(Pippin and Merry are tied up at an Orc camp.)

Pippin: Merry!

Merry: I don’t think we shoulda left the Shire, dude.

(Weird noise is heard.)

Pippin: WHAT WAS THAT!?!?!

Merry: The trees…are talking…

Pippin: They’re freakin’ me out, man…

Orc 1: I’m hungry. WE HAVEN’T HAD ANYTHING YUMMY FOR THREE STINKIN’ DAYS!!!!!!!

Orc 2: How ’bout those midgets? They look yummy. What about their legs? They don’t need those!

Orc 1: Those are not for eating!!!!!!!

Orc 2: ROAR!!!!

Orc 1: ROAR!!!

(All the Orcs beat each other up while Merry and Pippin run away.)

Scene 14:

(Eomer rides over to Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas.)

Eomer: What business does a smelly man, a narcissistic elf, and a fat dwarf have here?

Gimli: Nothing. We’re not doing anything.

Aragorn: We’ re looking for our midget hobbit friends. Seen ’em?

Eomer: Nope.

(Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli find the Orc campsite with all the dead Orcs.)

Aragorn: They were here…the Orcs fought over them and killed each other…and the hobbits ran into the forest…Fangorn Forest…

DUN DUN DUN…

Scene 15:

(Creepy tree noise.)

Pippin: AHHH!!!

Orc 2: I see you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Merry: How’d he live?

(Pippin and Merry climb up into a tree. The Orc pulls Merry out of the tree. The Orc tries to stab Merry, but the tree steps on him.)

Pippin: WHOA! This tree just stepped on an Orc! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Treebeard: I AM NO TREE! I AM AN ENT!!!!!!!!!!! And you must be little ORCS!!!!!!!

Merry: No…we’re hobbits!

(Treebeard picks Merry up.)

Treebeard: What the heck is a hobbit??? Must be some species of Orc. The white wizard will know…

Pippin: No, don’t take us to Saruman…

(Treebeard drops the hobbits at the foot of a tree stump.)

Merry: No! It’s-

< Sorry kids, but I'm not giving anything away...>

Scene 16:

Gollum: Look stupid hobbitssesss! Gollum lead you to a marsh! See? See???

(They all walk through the marsh.)

Sam: EWWWWWWWWW!! There are dead things in there!

Gollum: Duh…stupidsss. Hence the name the Dead Marshes, precioussssss…

(Frodo looks into the water and falls in.)

Dead thing: MWAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

(The dead thing swims after Frodo.)

(Gollum pulls Frodo out of the water.)

Gollum: Don’t fall in!

Frodo: Little late for that…

Scene 17:

(That night.)

(Frodo pets the ring, and hears Gollum talking to himself.)

Frodo: Gollum…you weirdo…you forgot your name…you used to be a hobbit…SMEAGOL!!!!!!!

Gollum: What did you call me, precioussssssssssss?

Frodo: Smeagol…

(Black Riders come. The hobbits and the corrupted monkey…er…HOBBIT hide. The Black Riders go away.)

Gollum: Hurry hobbits! The gatesess are very close…

Scene 18:

(In the Fangorn Forset)

Legolas: This forest is, like, old…the white wizard approaches…

(The group turns around and sees…)

Aragorn: GANDALF!!!!!!!!!

Legolas: Hey, I like the new clothes man…white is really your color…

Gandalf: I am Gandalf the White.

Gimli: But you are supposed to be dead!

Gandalf: I defeated the Balrog and became Gandalf the White.

Aragorn: Cool beans, man!

(They get out of the forest and Gandalf calls his horse.)

Gimli: Ooh…pretty horsey.

Scene 19:

Treebeard: Gandalf told me to keep you safe, and safe I will keep you…

Pippin: Okie dokie!!!!!!!!

Scene 20:

Gollum: The Black Gate to MORDOR!!!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Frodo: Cool beans…

(Sam falls down the mountain. Some weirdos notice it.)

Sam: Come on Frodo!!! The Gate!

(Frodo falls after Sam.)

Sam: My stupid fat self is stuck in the rocks!!!! I shoulda gone to Weight Watchers…

(Frodo and Sam hide under Frodo’s cloak.)

Weirdo: I wonder where those hobbits went…

(The weirdos leave.)

Frodo: Okay, lets go through the gates. One…two…THREE–

Gollum: NO!!!!! We’ll go a different way hobitssesss…c’mon! Follow Smeagol!

Scene 21:

(Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf go to Rohan.)

Gandalf: Hello! I’m normal and non-powerful Gandalf the Grey!

Theoden: Ha ha ha…I’m evil…and corrupted…go away…

Gandalf: PSYCHE!!!!!!! I’m the powerful Gandalf the White! And now I’m going to de-evil-ize you!

(Theoden goes back to normal.)

Theoden: I’m normal now! Go away Wormtongue! You’re evil!

Wormtongue: No…I am not…I love you!!! Please?

Theoden: That’s just wrong. Go away.

Scene 22:

(The little kids come to Rohan.)

Eowyn: They had no warning…their town was attacked. You’re not supposed to hurt cute little kids!!

Little kid 1: Yum…soup.

Theoden: Everyone must go to Helm’s Deep to be safe. We’re gonna have a war.

< Hey kiddies! This here is called "FORESHADOWING"!!! >

Scene 23:

(Gollum is fishing in a river.)

Gollum: We only wish to catch a fish…la la la la…here fishy, fishy…

Sam: Hey stinker! Don’t go and get ahead of us!

Frodo: Why do you call him that?

Sam: Because he is!

Frodo: Hypocrite…

Scene 24:

(Crazy Gollum moment)

Gollum: Must get the precioussssssssss…kill the hobbitsseessssss

Smeagol: NO! Hobbitsesssssss are my friends…

Gollum: No, they aren’t! You don’t have any friends! Nobody likes you! Everybody hates you! You go eats some worms!

Smeagol: No! Me no likey worms!!! I hate you! Go away!

Gollum: No!

Smeagol: Leave now, and never come back!!! Leave now! And never come back!!!

Gollum: NO!!!!!!!

Smeagol: AND NEVER COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo! Smeagol is free!!!

(Smeagol does his happy dance.)

Scene 25:

Gollum: (drops dead rabbit on Frodo’s stomach) Look what Smeagol findsess!!!

Frodo: See Sam? He’s not evil!

(Gollum tears the rabbit and starts pulling meat out.)

Sam: Idiot! You’re supposed to cook ’em!!!

(Sam makes rabbit soup.)

Gollum: STUPID FAT HOBBIT!!!

Sam: Now we need some taters…

Gollum: What are taters, precioussssssssss?

Sam: PO-TA-TOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gollum: Gollum has taters in his ears, yes he does…

Sam: You sicko…but even you wouldn’t say no to some chips and salsa…

Gollum: Gollum spits on Fritos!!!

Sam: Oh yea?

Gollum: YEA!!!

(Gollum and Sam have a raspberry fight.)

(Gollum wins.)

Scene 26:

Sam: Look! Oliphants! And evil dudes!

Gollum: They will take over the world…

(Faramir and his Gondor buddies shoot the evil dudes and Oliphants. They capture Frodo, Sam, and Gollum.)

Scene 27:

Gimli: So you see, Eowyn…most people think there are no Dwarf women and that we just spring out of the ground! Which is ridiculous…we are just so alike in size and appearance, they think we’re all men…

Aragorn: (whispers) It’s the beards…

(Eowyn bursts out laughing.)

Scene 28:

Elrond: Hey, dude! Stay away from my daughter!

Aragorn: Why?

Elrond: ‘Cause I’m her dad.

Aragorn: Hey, man, don’t go all Agent Smith on me now…

Elrond: She only stays for you. She must go with the other elves to a happy land.

(Aragorn goes to Arwen)

Aragorn: You can go to the happy land.

Arwen: I want to stay with you!

Aragorn: No…you must go.

(Arwen is really pissed off at her boyfriend.)

Scene 29:

(Uruk-hai attack Aragorn, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, and the Rohan armies.)

Uruk-hai: ROAR!!!!!!

Legolas: Hey look! Fuzzy Orcs!

Aragorn: Those are the Wolves of Isengard, numbskull.

Legolas: If you’re just mad at me for having better hair, the only one to blame is yourself. Have you, like, EVER washed your hair?

Aragorn: Shut it, hair boy.

(The Uruk-hai attack some more. Aragorn falls off a cliff. Or Legolas pushed him. The world may never know.)

Almost dead Uruk-hai: He took a little tumble off the cliff…hee hee hee…

Scene 30:

Saruman: MARCH TO HELM’S DEEP!!! TO WAR!!!

(The Uruk-hai march off to war.)

< Remember that foreshadowing I talked bout kiddies? Yea, well, there it is. >

Scene 31:

(Aragorn is washed up on the shore from where he fell. His horse just happens to come by and pick him up.)

Horse: Hiya Aragorn! I just happened to be here near where you fell!

Scene 32:

Elrond: The ships are leaving for the happy land. Come Arwen.

Arwen: I have made my choice. No.

Elrond: He will die! AND you will be ALONE!!!

Arwen: No…daddy you are making me cry…you meanie!

Elrond: Don’t I have your love too?

Arwen: Yes…

(Arwen goes with the elves.)

Scene 33:

Faramir: The men tell me you are Orc spies.

Sam: Do we look like Orcs?

Frodo: I’m Frodo. I left Rivendell with Boromir, Gandalf, Gimli, Aragorn, and this one narcissistic elf that I can’t remember his name…

Faramir: Boromir is dead, and he is my brother.

Frodo: REALLY? I see the resemblance…

Faramir: Shut up. Do you know a crazy corrupted monkey?

Frodo: Maybe…

Faramir: DO YOU?

Frodo: Yes.

(Faramir takes Frodo to Gollum.)

Faramir: Do you want me to kill him?

Sam: YES! YES! YES!

Gollum: We only wish to catch a fish…la la la la…

Frodo: No. Come Smeagol.

Scene 34:

Faramir: I have the ring in my grasp…I can be KING! I…

Frodo: Hey man, don’t go all mid-evil on me!

Sam: DUDE! The ring is evil! We’re taking it to Mount Doom to destroy it!

Faramir: The ring will go to Gondor.

Frodo: Uh, bad idea, man…

Scene 35:

(At Helm’s Deep)

Gimli: Where is he? I’m gonna kill him…(sees Aragorn) ARAGORN!!! MAN!!! YOU’RE ALIVE!!! You are such an IDIOT!

Aragorn: That’s harsh.

Scene 36:

Aragorn: There are at least ten thousand Uruk-hai coming.

Theoden: Darn it. So much for Plan A. Okay, well, WE WILL FIGHT!!!

Aragorn: We will get help from Gondor and the elves.

Theoden: Gondor?! Yea, sure.

Aragorn: (thinks to self) Mental Note: Get Theoden when I become king.

Scene 37:

Treebeard: The Ents are gathering. We must decide if we should go to war.

Pippin: How ’bout…YES???

Scene 38:

Theoden: War, war, there’s gonna be a war…war, war…war…

Scene 39:

(Elves come to help fight.)

Aragorn: I told you some people would help! (thinks) Aragorn: 1, Theoden: 0

Scene 40:

(The war starts.)

Uruk-hai: ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gimli: I’ve killed 2, how ’bout you?

Legolas: 19.

Gimli: Yea, sure.

Legolas: PRETTY PERSON POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scene 41:

Treebeard: We have just agreed.

Pippin: Yes?

Treebeard: You guys are not Orcs.

Pippin: (sighs of relief) Oh, good….wait…what?

Merry: What about the war?

Treebeard: Oh, yes…that…it takes awhile to decide things…

Pippin: No, duh…

Scene 42:

Theoden: Still at war…still at war…

Legolas: Kicking butt…kicking butt…

Aragorn: Killing Uruks…killing Uruks…

Scene 43:

Treebeard: We have decided to not take part in the war.

Merry: NO! WE MUST FIGHT!!!

Pippin: Let’s go home, Merry. There’s ale to drink at home…we’ll get PINTS!!!

Merry: There won’t be a home, idiot! They’ll take over! THERE WON”T BE ANY ALE!!!

Pippin: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scene 44:

Aragorn: Kicking Uruk butt…kicking Uruk butt…

(the Uruks fight harder)

Aragorn: Never mind…never mind…

Uruk-hai: Roar! Grunt! Burp! Snort!

(Lots of killing scenes…Uruks break into castle)

Scene 45:

Pippin: Hey, Treebeard! We’ve gotta go to Isengard! The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm. That Saruman guy’s so stupid it’ll be the last thing he’ll expect.

Treebeard: That makes no sense. But you are very weird. You know what? THE ENTS ARE GOING TO WAR!!!

Merry: Cool beans man!!!

Scene 46:

Frodo: Let us go!

Faramir: No.

Sam: You know, this you being evil thing really isn’t working. (looks at Frodo) Mr. Frodo?

Frodo: They’ve come…MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

(The Nazgul come and attack.)

Scene 47:

Aragorn: The women and children are doomed. Unless there just HAPPENS to be another way.

Theoden: Yes, but it is too dangerous. We will fight!!! (thinks) Yay…war…fun.

Aragorn: Darn.

(They fight. Rohirrim comes to fight.)

Aragorn: I told you more would come.

Theoden: Don’t talk to me.

(The Ents come and fight. Pippin and Merry throw rocks. The Ents throw bolders. Uruk-hai die.)

Treebeard: BREAK THE DAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pippin: Why?

Treebeard: Hey, don’t complain, you wanted us to fight.

Pippin: Okay.

(Water rushes from the dams and flows into the Uruk-hai. The Uruks die.)

Scene 48:

Sam: WHAT ARE YOU DOING FRODO???

(Frodo goes toward Nazgul and tries to give them the ring. Sam tackles Frodo. Frodo pulls out his sword and points it at Sam.)

Sam: It’s me Frodo. Your main man, homey G, Say-yay-yay-am!

Frodo: I told you it’s taking over me. By the way, did you learn that from Aragorn?

Sam: Maybe…

Faramir: Release the midgets.

Sam: YAY! We’re free!

Scene 49:

(The big battle is won by the good guys. [Did you think it wouldn’t?])

Gandalf: The battle for Helm’s Deep has been won…the battle for Middle Earth is beginning. Oooh…dramatic.

Scene 50:

Sam: I wonder if there will be any stories about us. You know, like, those stories about the really brave hobbits that conquer everything.

Frodo: Yes, Sam. And they will say stuff about annoying hobbits with A.D.D. and a narcissistic elf and…

Sam: Okay, I got it…I’ll shut up.

Scene 50:

Gollum: STUPID HOBBITS… they has the preciousss…we must KILL THEM!!! But they knows…they knows! They knows…I am the muffin man…I WILL HURT THEM!!! KILL!!! MUFFIN MAN KILL HOBBITS!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sam: Smeagol? Where are you?

Gollum: Come hobbitsesss…we takes you to Mordor…yes, we does….

~FIN~