I would appreciate it if you left a review.

Once in the land of Middle Earth, a hobbit was repairing a hole in his
house. “I’m almost finished! Oh no! I’ve run out of duct tape. Now I’ll
have to fill out another form and bring it all the way to Rivendell.”
“FRODO BAGGINS!” yelled a voice from behind, “I need you to go on a
mission for me. Take this roll of toilet paper to Rivendell.”
“Who the heck are you?” asked Frodo.
“I am the Storm Crow, the Grey Pilgrim, and the Bungee Jumper, but you can call me Gandalf.”
“Okay I’ll take it,” agreed Frodo. “I’m on my way there anyway. I have to get more duct
tape to fix my roof, mirror, door, wine bottles, coat, hat, walking
stick, garden, and non-existent car.”
“Well, this is convenient. You should probably take some friends with you because the roll is being hunted,” said Gandalf
“Who in their right mind would be hunting after a roll of toilet paper?” asked Frodo.
“Do you not understand?” asked Gandalf. “This is no ordinary roll of toilet paper. This is the One Roll to Rule Them All! Centuries ago, the Dark Lord Sauron hired a man by the name of Whipple to make him the softest most powerful roll of toilet paper ever. When the Roll was complete, Sauron was more powerful than ever before. Soon he started to rely on the Roll for power. It became his only source of cottony-soft comfort. Then the Roll was lost and Sauron lost all his powers along with it. He is searching for it. Now, the Roll is in my possession and I give it to you.”
“Why don’t you take it there yourself, oh powerful Grey Pilgrim?” asked Frodo. “Lazy? Some strange, complicated reason that when carefully analyzed doesn’t even make any sense whatsoever? Or are you just plain chicken?”
“Hmmm… The second one. Definitely the second one,” replied Gandalf.
“Okay fine I’ll take the stupid Roll, and I’ll bring Pippin and Merry along,” said Frodo sounding rather annoyed.
“I want to come too!” said a hobbit popping out from under the windowsill.
“Who the hell are you, and why were you hiding in my garden?” Frodo asked.
“Don’t you recognize your gardener, Mr. Frodo? I’m Samwise, remember?” asked Sam
“No, now get out of my face or I’ll set my dogs on you,” said Frodo angrily.
“Pleeeeeease,” Sam whined.
“Oh, I can’t resist a whining grown hobbit. Fine! You can come along. I hope you die halfway through the movie,” Frodo said.

A few weeks later, in Bree, Pippin started to get whiny.
“Why can’t we stop at one of these grand bars for some beer?” he wailed.
“Because,” Sam began, “If we stop to long, Rollwraiths will come and stab us in our sleep.”
“All in favor of stopping at a bar, say aye,” said Frodo.
“AYE!” Pippin, Merry, and Frodo said together.
“Let’s go to this one!” said Pippin pointing to a sign that said Prancing Pony Inn. “I hope they have dancing horses.”
“No, you idiot! Of course they don’t have dancing horses,” Merry pointed out. “They have dancing ponies.”
“Oh well,” Pippin said. “Now let’s go in there, get drunk, make fools of ourselves, and leave. Not necessarily in that order.”
They entered the inn and were immediately greeted by a fat man that was twice the size of them.
“Welcome to the Prancing Pony, the best place to get drunk and make a fool outta yourself.” said the fat man.
“WOO-HOO!” Merry and Pippin yelled together.

“Who is that guy in the corner?” Frodo asked the fat man later.
“That is Aragorn,” replied the fat man
Suddenly a guy burst in the door.
“HOLY CRAP!” he screamed. “I just saw these freaks wearing toilet paper around their heads. They tried to kill me!”
“Rollwraiths!” Frodo heard Aragorn say in a hushed whisper. “You four hobbits, come with me!” he yelled.
Frodo and Sam dragged Pippin and Merry (who were both very drunk and laying on the floor mumbling “Five more minutes, ‘Ma, just five.”) over to Aragorn.
“Who are you really?” asked Sam suspiciously.
“I’m a friend of Gandalf’s,” he answered. “We must leave quickly. Now go!”
They left just as the Rollwraiths broke into the inn. Frodo and Sam were much relieved while Merry and Pippin were still muttering things like “I don’t wanna go to school today.”

After a month of traveling, (they made the mistake of giving the map to Pippin) they reached Rivendell, otherwise known as the 3M Village.
“Wow!” Frodo gawked. “Look at all this duct tape!”
“Oh my God!” exclaimed Sam. “Mr. Frodo, do you know who that is?”
Frodo looked in the direction Sam was facing. He saw the silhouette of a man standing on a building. The man jumped off and suddenly, out of nowhere, a rope appeared. The rope slowed his fall and he bounced right back up.
“No, do you?” replied Frodo.
“Yeah! That’s… that’s… that’s Spider-man!” exclaimed Sam happily.
Then, the man disappeared.
“No it’s not, you idiot,” said a voice from behind them.
“Gandalf?” Frodo said unsurely turning around.
“Yes, I was just practicing bungee jumping. Anyway, you missed the Council of Elrond. Long story short, you have to take the Roll, with your three original companions, Aragorn, a bearded midget from the circus, a really whiny guy who pisses me off from Gondor (luckily, he dies at the end of this movie), an elf who is only concerned about the well-being of his hair, and me.
“Ooh goody! Where are we going?” asked Pippin happily.
“To the land of Charmin where the Dark Lord wiped,” replied Gandalf.
“I think the Dark Land should have a more menacing name than Charmin,” said Merry.
“Hey,” said Gandalf. “Don’t blame me, blame CollintheGrey for making such a dumb script.”
“Hey! Now don’t go pointing fingers!” said a mysterious voice from the heavens angrily. “Charmin was Peter Jackson’s idea.”
“Oh, umm…well…Let’s get going!” yelled Sam impatiently.

So finally they left with Frodo, Gimli the bearded midget, Boromir (Bob) the whiny Gondorian, Legolas the hair-obsessed elf, Aragorn, Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, and Sam. They started to climb over the Misty Mountains, but then they decided it was too damn cold. So they decided to go through the Mines of Moria. But the door that went into the mines was locked.
“There are Elvish inscriptions here. They say ‘Speak Man’s Best Friend and Enter.'” Gandalf told them.
“Oh no!” Legolas screamed in a rather high girlish voice. “It’s very humid here, and my hair is getting all, like, frizzy.”
“Shut your trap, you stinkin’ elf. We’ve got bigger problems, like openin’ this door,” Gimli pointed out.
“I wanna go home!” Bob whimpered.
“SHUT UP!” Frodo, Aragon, and Gandalf shouted together.
“Don’t yell at me! WAAAAH!” he cried very loudly
“I’ve got it!” Frodo exclaimed. “Gandalf, what is the Elvish word for duct tape?”
“Well, duct sounds like duck which is a bird, and tape sticks. I guess it would probably be ‘Aew Nasta.'”
Just then the door opened, and they walked in.
“Aye good thinkin’ Master Hobbit,” Gimli praised.
“WHAT ABOUT ME?” Bob screamed loudly in a hurt voice.
“Shut up,” said the other eight together trying not to yell. “You’ll wake up every Orc in Moria.”
“Too late,” Pippin pointed out. “Ha ha! They look funny!”
“RUN!” Gandalf yelled.
They ran through the mines for many hours as Bob complained about how his legs were soar. Finally they reached a dead end.
“We must stand and fight!” Gandalf ordered.
“Okeey dokey!” said Merry as everyone stared at him. “What? I’ve hardly said anything in this stupid movie.”
“Did he just, like, say, like, okeey dokey? Nobody says that. Like, that is so, totally, lame,” pointed out Legolas
Then they all drew out their weapons. Frodo had a roll of duct tape in each hand, Sam had a dandelion, Gimli had an inflatable bat, Gandalf had his staff, Legolas had a hair brush, Aragon had a cardboard sword, Bob just sat in the corner and cried, and Pippin and Merry both had broken beer bottles.
Then the Orcs came in. They had a fierce battle. Frodo threw rolls of duct tape at Orcs’ heads. The shrill squeaks of Gimli’s bat could be heard amid the noise of the battle, and Legolas was…well…combing people’s hair. The fight ended with a flash of green light from Gandalf’s staff.
“Wow!” said Pippin admiringly. “Where’d you get that?”
“E-bay,” Gandalf replied. “Now we have to make for that bridge over there. It leads to the exit.”
They crossed over the bridge without much trouble, but then they saw they were being pursued the most horrid of all creatures…Barney.
“Holy Crap!” Merry yelled. “I thought PBS canceled his show years ago.”
“No, of course not. His show is great. I watch it every day,” said Bob.
Then Gandalf went out on the bridge and yelled: “YOU CANNOT PASS, YOU EVIL PURPLE DEMON OF VAST STUPIDITY! YOU CANNOT PASS!”
Then he smote the bridge and pulled out his script.
“What the heck is this?” he said. “It says here that I’m supposed to bungee jump off this bridge to make the scene more dramatic. How the hell is that going to make it more dramatic? Oh well.”
Then he got out his bungee cord and jumped.
SNAP! The bungee cord broke and Gandalf plummeted to his doom.
Down below a voice was heard yelling, “OH SO THAT’S HOW IT MAKES THE SCENE MORE DRAMATIC! AAAAAHH!”
“GGGAAAAAAAAAAAANDALF!” Frodo let out a girlish scream.
“Gandalf would want us to complete our quest. We must go now,” ordered Aragorn.

A few days later they reached the borders of Lothlorien. There, they were captured by elves who admired the shininess of Legolas’s hair. Then they were taken to Galadriel (Giddy).
“Frodo,” she said, “come with me so you can look into a weird birdbath type thing and watch me get possessed and stuff. Who the hell writes this dialogue? It’s terrible. Anyway, come with me.”
They traveled down ancient steps into a room that had a weird birdbath type thing.
“Look into it, Frodo.” Giddy said.
Frodo looked into it.
“I know what you see, for I have seen it too,” said Giddy.
“Really? You’ve seen me eating a bowl of ice cream with one finger missing?” asked Frodo.
“What? You were supposed to see the Shire burning,” said Giddy as she kicked the birdbath. “Look again.”
“Hey! That’s a lot better! Now there’s sprinkles on the ice cream!” Frodo said happily.
“Okay, okay! Well anyway I could take the One Roll right now, and then I could go to the bathroom in comfort,” said Giddy. “Instead of a Dark Lord, you’d have a Dark uh… Lady. Fortunately I’m not that possessed. Now you must leave.”
“Okay!” Frodo chimed happily. “Mmm… ice cream.”

The next day the Fellowship of the Roll left Lothlorien on boats. Before they left they got these neat camouflage cloaks and Giddy asked Gimli what he desired.
“Well,” he replied. “I’d like a sixteen inch pepperoni pizza with extra cheese.”
Then they left.

They sailed down the river until Bob yelled: “I’m getting seasick!”
“Quick!” Aragorn yelled, “everybody out of the boat! Bring the boats to shore before he blows chunks!”
Everybody except Bob, Merry, and Pippin got out. When they got to shore, Aragorn asked: “Where are Merry and Pippin?”
“They’re over here,” Sam answered. “I think they got in to the wine stocks.”
Aragorn came over and looked where Sam was pointing. The two hobbits were fast asleep dripping with wine.
“Aragorn!” said Legolas urgently, “five-hundred Orcs approach.”
“Gimli, Legolas, Bob, follow me!” commanded Aragorn. “You hobbits, stay here.”
After they had left, Frodo immediately got into one of the Elvish boats.
“What are you doing, Mr. Frodo?” asked Sam.
“I’m working on my boat-jacking skills.” Frodo replied.
“I’m coming with you!” Sam yelled.
Sam got in the boat and they were swept off by the current and started towards the Black Land, Charmin.

“Everyone, we must split up,” ordered Aragorn.
They split up and an hour later they heard Bob crying at the top of his lungs. They ran to him and saw him being pierced by many Orc arrows. When the Orcs thought they had killed him they started going the other way. Aragorn and the others got to Bob just in time to hear him say: “They took the drunk hobbits with them.” Then, Boromir son of Denethor died.
“Hey, Legolas, let’s start singing a stupid chant about Bob!” Aragon said.

Oh, Bob was a crybaby
His real name’s Boromir
He is so very ugly
He never looked into a mirror

We are so glad he’s gone now
He really was a pain
To his king now he shall bow
Sure hope I don’t see him again

“Wasn’t that song supposed to be about the good things Bob has done?” asked Legolas.
“Oh well,” said Aragorn. “Now let’s go look for Merry and Pippin. The Orcs probably have them listening to Back Street Boys CDs. Now that’s torture.”
“Umm…what about Frodo and the Roll?” asked Gimli.
“I don’t really like Frodo that much,” replied Aragorn. “Now after the drunk midgets!”

Coming Soon: The Lord of the Toilet Paper: The Two Toilets
By: CollintheGrey