“I love you, you love me, we’re a hap…” chimed Barney, who had taken the place of the Balrog.
“YOU CANNOT PASS YOU EVIL DEMON OF VAST STUPIDITY! YOU CANNOT PASS!” Gandalf yelled.
Then he smote the bridge and pulled out his script.
“What the heck is this?” he said. “It says here that I’m supposed to bungee jump off this bridge to make the scene more dramatic. How the hell is that going to make it more dramatic? Oh well.”
Then he got out his bungee cord and jumped. SNAP! The bungee cord broke and Gandalf plummeted to his doom.
Down below a voice was heard yelling, “OH SO THAT’S HOW IT MAKES THE SCENE MORE DRAMATIC! AAAAAHH!”
“GGGAAAAAAAAAAAANDALF!” Frodo screamed coming back to reality.
“What is it, Mr. Frodo?” asked Sam in a worried voice.
“Nothing, Sam,” he said breathing heavily, “I was just watching the extended DVD of The Lord of the Toilet Paper: The Fellowship of the Roll. Man, it seems so real with that Dolby 6.1 surround sound. What have we got left to eat?”
“Lembas bread, and look, more Lembas bread, and guess what… forty-eight medium rare steaks, seven baskets of fruit, twenty-three bags of popcorn, nine-hundred and eighty-six buns imported from Gondor, six dozen or so subs from that Sandwich place we stopped at, three-hundred thirty-nine donuts, nine hundred pancakes, some maple syrup, three- hundred thirty-four Twinkies, and forty two-liter bottles of Diet Coke,” replied Sam helpfully.
“No eggs? I swear we’re going to starve to death out here in the wilderness!” Frodo complained.
“Hey! This is that oddly shaped rock that kind of looks like Ray Romano’s nose. We saw this an hour ago!” Sam pointed out.
“We’re going in circles, or triangles, or squares, or whatever. Anyway, we’re being followed,” warned Frodo
“How do you know that, Mr. Frodo?” asked Sam.
“I hear the ominous music in the background,” he replied.

Many miles away, a pack of Orcs was carrying two small, drunk shapes.
“I don’t wanna go to school today, Mommy,” said one.
“Mmm… Seed cakes, my favorite,” the other said.
These two shapes were Merry and Pippin who had got drunk and captured in the first movie.
“*Sniff, sniff* I smell Elvish shampoo,” one of the Orcs said. “We must quicken our pace.”
Luckily, at that moment Pippin had a dream about his potty training when he was little. He pulled down his pants, and they fell to the ground.

“They have quickened their pace. They must have caught our scent,” Aragorn said accusingly to Legolas.
“Can I help it if the only shampoo that effectively shines my hair also can be smelled from thirty miles away?” Legolas said.
“They are headed for Ohthanks in Iseeguards,” Aragorn pointed out.
“Saruman!” Gimli said angrily.
“Come!” he ordered, and they set off running quicker than before.
“Legolas,” Gimli said while running, “until we find our midget friends, you are forbidden to use that elf shampoo of yours.
“But then, my hair will start to look like Aragorn’s,” the elf complained.
“Shut it, hair boy,” Aragorn warned, getting more pissed by the second. “Look here! Not lightly do the pants of the Shire fall. They may yet still be alive.”

At about that time Frodo and Sam came across a problem.
“How are we going to get down this forty-foot wall?” Sam wondered.
“Do we have any rope or Twizzlers left?” asked Frodo.
“No, we ate the Twizzlers, and I lost the rope,” Sam admitted shamefully.
“I’ve got it!” Frodo said excitedly. “We can use duct tape to scale the wall.”
“Are you sure it will hold our weight, Mr. Frodo?” asked Sam unsurely.
“Of course, it’s duct tape,” Frodo replied confidently.
So, they attached two rolls of duct tape to a rock, and began to climb down the wall. The only problem was that Sam’s tape broke, and he fell ten feet on to a bunch of jagged rocks.
“It’s your own fault for being so fat Sam,” Frodo said.
“Look at this, Mr. Frodo!” Sam said angrily. “The duct tape didn’t snap because I’m fa… a bit overweight. It was cut by someone.”
He showed Frodo the duct tape, and it indeed looked as if it had been cut.

Miles away, the Orcs had just made camp.
“Why can’t we have some meats?” asked one.
“‘Cuz we don’t have any meat, you dolt,” replied another.
“Why don’t we eat them?” the first Orc said pointing at the two hobbits.
“Because one of them has somethin’ the boss wants,” replied the second Orc.
“How ’bout their legs, they don’t need those,” the first Orc said.
Then suddenly a bunch of warriors on giant chickens came and taunted the Orcs in French accents. The Orcs were so terrified that they ran off a cliff onto a ton of jagged rocks.
“Merry!” said Pippin anxiously. “Wake up let’s escape into this terrifying, old forest, where we will probably meet a talking tree or something.”
“Okay” said Merry as he got to his feet. “Did you realize, Pippin, that you haven’t a pair of pants on?”
Then, they set off into Fangorn Forest.

The next day Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas reached the Gap of Roadham (old Westron for road kill). There, two thousand men on giant chickens surrounded them.
“What business does a circus freak, a shiny-haired moron, and a guy that looks like he hasn’t showered in about a decade have in these parts?” said the leader.
“Well, would you believe we’re on a quest to find the Holy Grail?” Aragorn asked.
“No,” replied the leader who was named Eomer (Ed), “That is worse story than Monty Python and the Holy Grail.”
“Good, we are really tracking some Orcs that captured our drunk midget friends.” Aragorn said.
“How dare you insult the greatest comedic minds of our time!” Gimli yelled fiercely.
“I would say better of them if your head was a bit farther from the ground…wait, what? Anyway, I was banished…blah, blah, blah. Something has forsaken these lands. You know, this is a lot like the script from the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.” Ed said sounding annoyed. “We killed some Orcs over there.”
“Thanks,” Aragorn said while Gimli muttered: “They have no comedic taste whatsoever. Their leader would think SNL isn’t funny.”

That night, on the cliff near Frodo and Sam, a red, furry creature was climbing down.
“This is the song, la, la, la, la. ‘Bout the precious” he sang as he descended. “They takes it from us, la, la, la, la. Filthy hobbits.”
Just then, Frodo and Sam conveniently woke up. They threatened him and tied with the remaining duct tape.
“Wait a minute, I know who you are,” said Frodo. “You’re that guy from that low-budget show with the puppets. You’re Ulno, or Emu, oh I’ve got it! Elmo!”
“Yes! La, la, la, la. True it is. We haven’t wiped in six years, has we, preciousssss? Hahahahahahahahaha!” He suddenly laughed bouncing up and down.
“Okay, let me just take a second to grasp the plot of this movie right now. Gollum has been replaced by an insane, demented Elmo who wants to take the One Roll because he hasn’t wiped in six years? This is even worse than the last plot, and I’m seeing a pattern with PBS characters being evil. First, the Balrog is replaced by Barney, then, Elmo. What next? Is the Dark Lord going to turn out to be Tinkie-Winkie from the Teletubbies?” Sam wondered even though no one really cared what he said.
“Takes it off!” Elmo screeched suddenly. “It was made in 3M, it was.”
“Lead us to Charmin,” ordered Frodo without listening.
“Wow, Mr. Frodo! That sounded really possessed and freaky. Have you finally gone to acting school?”

“‘Ey look! There’s a talking tree! Let’s go climb it!” Pippin suggested excitedly.
“Umm… I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” replied Merry.
But Pippin had already started climbing, and Merry followed because he had nothing better to do.
“Who is climbing me?” asked the tree.
“Merry and Pippin of the Shire,” Merry and Pippin replied.
“Oh, okay. I’m Tree-Beer. Most of my family has sap inside of them, but I have beer in me. A lot of them try to stick taps in me, hey… What are you doing?” said Tree-Beer angrily as he watched Pippin took a tap out of his bag and hammered it into his forehead.
“I’m thirsty,” said Pippin. “Haven’t had a proper drink since the last movie.”
Just then beer started pouring out of the tap. Tree-Beer collapsed dead. Before he died, he let out a long yell of pain. Then, more talking trees came to the place where Merry, Pippin, and the corpse of Tree-Beer were.
“What the crap happened here?” asked one. “Who killed Tree-Beer?”
“Uh…it was…err, Saruman!” Pippin lied quickly.
“That dirty, no good bunch of…” a second tree said angrily. “We shall go to war!”

Elsewhere, Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas had gone to the cliff where the Chicken-riders had taunted the Orcs.
“It looks like they went in there,” Legolas said as he pointed to Fangorn. “Ooh, it’s so creepy.”
“We must go in there,” Aragorn ordered.
The others reluctantly followed.

They had walked around for about an hour, when suddenly, for no reason whatsoever, Legolas whispered: “Some guy in a straight jacket approaches.”
Aragorn took his binoculars and looked into them.
“No you moron, he just has his cloak tight around him. Wait, oh crap, it looks like Saruman. Ready your weapons,” Aragorn said in hushed voice.
Aragorn got out his cardboard sword, Gimli, his inflatable carnival bat, and Legolas, his comb.
Then they looked in the opposite direction, and turned around again to make it look more triumphant. There was a flash of green light, and Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli decided it would be a perfect time to “accidentally” drop their weapons.
“Tell me no lies and I shall give thee no pain,” Legolas suddenly shouted in his high girlish voice.
“What are you talking about, you idiotic fashion freak,” said the green wizard.
“I…I… I don’t know!” he wailed
“SHUT UP!” shouted the wizard angrily. “I am not Saruman as you thought. But I am Gandalf the Green with a slight tint of Orange.”
“Where are the ‘obbits?” asked Gimli urgently.
“They are about to play a big part in this pathetic excuse for a plot,” said Gandalf.
“Where were you while we thought you to be dead?” asked Aragorn.
“I was on vacation,” he replied. “I needed to practice bungee jumping and work on my tan. Now, we must ride to KFC, the capital of Roadham.”
They ran on through the night and reached KFC by noon. It was giant building with a huge, red sign that had a picture of a guy with glasses and a strange white beard.
“This is the finest fried chicken restaurant in all the land,” Gandalf explained. “The Roadhamian ride the chickens until they are old, then they kill them and sell to all of Middle Earth. Their king is named Sanders.”

They entered the large building and were confronted by the guy at the front desk.
“And where do you think you are going?” he asked.
“We need to see the king!” Gandalf said urgently.
“Well do you have an appointment?” asked the guy at the front desk.
“Umm…no,” replied Gandalf.
“Then you can’t see the king,” said the front desk guy.
“Actually… err… we do have an appointment,” said Gandalf hopefully.
“Honestly, how stupid do you think I… AHHH!” the front desk guy screamed.
Aragorn had finally become fed-up with the Mr. Frontdeskguy, so he took out his cardboard sword and whacked him over the head.
“Sorry, I couldn’t help myself,” Aragorn said innocently.
Gandalf however, looked impressed, and said simply: “You actually took out a guy with that scrawny thing?”

Frodo, Sam, and Elmo had just come to a forest near Charmin.
“Who! It looks like somebody is going to jump out from behind those trees, blindfold us, and take us to their hidden cave type thing,” Sam said in an awed voice.
Frodo elbowed him harshly in the stomach. “You’re giving away the next part of the plot!” Frodo pointed out angrily.
Suddenly a group of people in green tights jumped from the treetops.
“Who goes there?” the leader of the men in green asked. “I am Robin Hood, ruler of the forest. I steal from the poor and give to the rich! Wait, or is that the other way around?”
“Two hobbits of the Shire,” Frodo said while Sam looked at the green tights and had to throw himself into a thorn bush to prevent a snigger.
“Hobbits, eh? Not a species I’m familiar with,” Robin Hood (Rob) said to himself.
“Please,” Sam began, coming out of the thorn bush, “we are hobbits, and we have to take the One Roll to Barthedoor, the great black toilet in the dark land of Charmin. We must destroy it”
“Okay, you may go, but we must keep this furry, red thing. He looks evil and possessed” Rob said.
Sam let out a silent “Yes”.
“No! He is our tour guide!” screamed Frodo.
“Oh, well, I guess that’s fine then,” Rob decided. “I hope you guys have a happy journey.”
Just then two thousand terrified screams were let out of Charmin.

Gandalf, Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli had finally got into the King’s throne room.
“King Sanders, the service of your front desk has lessened as of late,” said Gandalf to the king (who looked exactly like the guy on the red sign.
“Please, call me Colonel, and I don’t really care about the service of my castle’s front deskman. I suspect that you clubbed him over the head or something,” King Sanders said lazily.
“King Sanders not caring about his front desk man? You must be possessed. OUT! OUT! YOU DEMONS OF STUPIDITY!” Gandalf yelled as he continuously whacked King Sanders over the head with his staff.
Suddenly Sanders’ face became younger, and the colonel grew stronger.
“Crap! I always get those two spells mixed up. I accidentally used a youth spell. His mind’s the same, but his body is twenty years younger. I used the same spell on the entire Shire, so now all the people look like they’re six years old” explained Gandalf.
“I feel great!” exclaimed Sanders.
“Okay, Saruman is probably going to attack you and stuff,” Gandalf said urgently.
“How do you know that?” asked Legolas.
“Because unlike anyone else around here, I read the script before we started filming,” explained Gandalf angrily.
“Hey, I read the script ahead of time!” Aragorn claimed defensively.
Everyone in the room stared at him silently.
“Okay, okay! You forced it out of me. I never read the script. I don’t even know what this movie is about,” Aragorn admitted.
“Getting back to the actual plot, my people will flee in Helm’s Jeep. It is a huge Jeep owned by one of the chicken riders,” said the king.
“Ah, well it’ll prob’ly get ambushed,” Gimli pointed out.
“Oh well, I’m doing what’s best for the Roadhamian… probably… right?” Sanders said unsurely.
“We’ll see, we will see,” Gandalf said shaking his head.

“Captain, I need you to take all of your forces and attack KFC,” said Saruman to the Orc captain.
“Master,” said Igor Wormbrain (Saruman’s faithful sidekick,) “they are going to take Helm’s Jeep to some other place.”
“Indeed. Then we can ambush them with our infinite army of Orcs and rabid gerbils,” Saruman plotted.
“Rabid gerbils, my lord?” Igor said.
“Yes, they are the foulest of all beings,” Saruman replied.
“Now,” Saruman said turning to the Orc captain, “empty all of Iseeguards and ambush that Jeep!”
Suddenly the Orc captain pulled out a horn and blew it as hard as possible. Then, ten thousand Orcs, all carrying leashes attached to rabid gerbils, marched out of the gates of Iseeguards.

“Hey look!” shouted Pippin. “Iseeguards is defenseless! Let’s attack now!”
“By golly he’s right!” Merry said excitedly as Pippin turned to face him.
“By golly?” Pippin repeated questioningly.
“Once again, I’ve hardly said anything in this stupid movie,” replied Merry.
“Let us go to WAR!” shouted one of the trees.

The trees marched towards Iseeguards, but forgot to take a left somewhere along highway ninety-five. When they finally realized this mistake, it was already time for Saturday night bingo, so they went back to Fangorn, played bingo (One of the young pines won every game, so the great redwoods thought he was cheating.), and decided to go to war in treeish.
“Ooheeoheeoogogoooooooooooo (Let’s attack Ohthanks tomorrow)!” said one of the redwoods.
“Ogoogieeooobnageeneeoooop (I have to go to the bathroom)!” said one of the pines suddenly.
The rest of the conversation went on much the same way: long, boring, and utterly pointless to this plot.

Back at KFC in Roadham, the Roadhamian (along with some hitchhiking bums) were loading into Helm’s Jeep.
“Wow! Tha’ Jeep is ‘uge!” exclaimed Gimli as he gawked at the immense Jeep.

When finally the Jeep was filled, Helm got into the driver’s seat and took off. No sooner had he done this, than, just as expected, a great horde of Orcs ambushed the jeep. They took off the wheels and started to laugh. Then Saruman came and called: “Gandalf the Grey, it seems you have been defeated at last!”
Gandalf stuck his head out the window. “I am no longer Gandalf the Grey, but Gandalf the Green with a slight tint of Orange!” Then he jumped out the window and landed right in front of Saruman.
“Gandalf the Green with a slight tint of Orange? Well that’s a stupid name, now isn’t it? You can do better than that!” spat Saruman.
“Saruman! I challenge you to a DANCE-OFF!” shouted Gandalf as he conjured up a Dance Dance Revolution arcade game.

The two old wizards each got on to one of the platforms with four flashing arrows. They waited for a minute, then another, then Gandalf said: “Oh, sorry,” and put four quarters into the game. The dance began. It was the single most important dance ever in the history of Helm owning the Jeep. The arrows whizzed across the screen like lighting. Once Gandalf got the hang of the song, he started break-dancing. He was twirling around on his pointy hat, doing flips, and other junk. Then finally Saruman collapsed.
“How’d you get to be so good at that?” asked Gimli.
Gandalf just shrugged his shoulders as Saruman fled back to Iseeguards.

Little did he know that Iseeguards had already been destroyed, and he was just in time to see Ohthanks fall to the ground and Merry and Pippin smoking the last of his pipe weed. Then he was trod on by a walking, talking tree.

“Do you think they’ll ever make a movie about us, Mr. Frodo?” asked Sam.
“Duh! They’re making a movie about us right now. That’s why they have all the cameras,” replied Frodo.
“Oh, I wondered what those were for,” said Sam.

Behind a tree Elmo was evilly plotting.
“La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, we wants the T.P. Take ’em to her, la, la, la, la. Yes we will,” sang Elmo.
Then he came out from behind the tree and yelled: “This way midgets! Elmo show you the way because you’re my bessssst friends!”
Frodo and Sam exchanged worried glances and followed.