Text: The Shire…60 years later

(Frodo sits beneath a tree, reading a book called “The Silly Hobbit Who Lost His Home.” Suddenly, he hears someone singing rap and looks up. He smiles as he understands who it is. Gandalf drives his convertible through the fields while he sings)

Gandalf: Yo! Lose yourself in the music the moment you bet you’ll never let it go…

(Frodo runs towards the grassy rode)

Frodo: You’re late!

(Gandalf stops the convertible)

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to. I meant to be late.

(He looks at Frodo with a strict look that softens until they both laugh. Frodo jumps onto the convertible and into Gandalf’s arms)

Frodo: Its wonderful to see you Gandalf!

Gandalf: Ooh! I like hugs from little hobbits!
(Frodo sits besides Gandalf in the convertible as they drive through Hobbiton)

Frodo: What news of the outside world? Tell me everything. EVERYTHINGGGGG…..

Gandalf: Everything? Well first I got a first time job as a rapper….blah blah blah
Hobbit folk: Look it’s Gandalf! It’s Gandalf! Gandalf the Gay!

(Gandalf drives the convertible past the party field, where Hobbits are getting the banner up)

Gandalf: Ohh! The long expected party! I’ll be doing the entertainment of course.
(he starts smoking his pipe)

Gandalf: So how is the old rascal? I hear it’s going to be a party of special magnificence.

Frodo: You know Bilbo, he’s got the whole place in an uproar. Why, just the other day he sent out for 5091 pints of beer. Yummy…

Gandalf: Hmmm, well now that should please him, hmmm.

Frodo: Half the Shire’s been invited. I don’t know how we’re gonna fit everyone, especially cause hobbits are very fat.
Gandalf: Good gracious me!

Frodo: I think he’s up to something…

Gandalf: Oh really..

Frodo: All right then keep your secrets. Before you came along we Bagginses were very well thought of. Then you went and sent him of on a stupid adventure.

Gandalf: If you’re referring to the incident with the dragon, I was barely involved. All I did was give your uncle a little nudge out of the door.

Frodo: Yea, and you nearly got him eaten by a dragon and run over by some crazed dwarves. You fool!

(They drive past a hobbit hole with a grumpy hobbit working in the garden. He looks at Gandalf, turning even more grumpy)

Hobbit children: Gandalf! Gandalf!

(Some hobbit children run down the grassy hills towards the convertible)

Hobbit children: Fireworks?!? Gandalf?!?

(They look at him in disappointment as he drives along, pretending not to notice them)

Hobbit children: Awwwww.

(Suddenly, Gandalf farts and fireworks shoot out. . The hobbit children clap their hands and cheer while holding their noses. The grumpy hobbit man laughs, a grumpy hobbit woman comes out and gives him a disapproving look and he gets the sour look on his face again. Gandalf chuckles)

Frodo: Gandalf, I’m glad you’re back.

Gandalf- I’m really really glad to be with YOU again Frodo.

Frodo- Um, I gotta go.

(Frodo jumps of the convertible and waves at Gandalf. Gandalf drives up to Bag End and stops in front of the gate. He walks up to the door and knocks it with his staff. A voice is heard from inside)
Bilbo: No thank you! We don’t want any more visitors, well-wishers or distant relations, or ex-boyfriends!

Gandalf: And what about very old ex-husbands?

(Door opens and Bilbo stares at Gandalf in disbelief)

Bilbo: Gandalf?

Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins!

Bilbo: My dear Gandalf!

(They give each other a big romantic hug)

Gandalf: Good to see you! One hundred and eleven years old –who would believe it? You haven’t aged a day You look as hot as you did on our wedding day.

(Bilbo runs inside, holding the door open for Gandalf)

Bilbo: Come on, come in! Welcome, welcome! Oh why didn’t it work out Gandalf, why didn’t we stay married?

(He takes Gandalf’s hat and staff)

Gandalf- I’m too tall, and I have no time for relationships.

Bilbo: O well. Tea? Or maybe something a little stronger? I’ve got a few bottles of the Old Winyard left. 1296 –very good year. Almost as old as I am! Hahaha! It was laid down by my father. What say we open one, eh? Get drunk ?

Gandalf: Just tea, thank you. Can’t have any problems like last year.

(Bilbo runs around the hobbit hole, Gandalf backs into a the chandelier, then turns and bumps his head onto the beam. He rubs his forehead and walks into Bilbo’s study. He looks at the papers on the desk, a map of The Lonely Mountain among them)

Bilbo: I was expecting you here last week! Not that it matters, you come and go as you please. Always have done and always will. You caught me a bit unprepared, I’m afraid. We have some cold chicken and pickles… Here’s some cheese here- oh no it won’t do. There we got raspberry jam and apple tart… Not much for afterlunch – oh no! We’re all right. I have some cake. (enters the study, looking for Gandalf, who has left) I can make you some eggs if you like- oh. Gandalf?

(Gandalf peers into the study from the kitchen)
Gandalf: Just tea, thank you. Like I said. Stupid hobbit can’t get anything right!

Bilbo: Ah right. You don’t mind if I eat, do you?

Gandalf: Oh no, not at all.

(A sharp knock on the door and a woman’s voice is heard)

“Bilbo! Bilbo Baggins!”

(Bilbo throws himself towards the wall, hiding. Then he turns to Gandalf, whispering)

Bilbo: I’m not at home! My ex-wife!

(He walks into the kitchen, looking out the little round window)

Bilbo: I’ve got to get away from these confounded ex’s hanging on the bell–they never give me a moment’s peace! I want to see mountains again, mountains Gandalf! And then find somewhere quiet where I can finish my book. Oh, tea!

(Bilbo takes the tea off the fire with a towel.)

Gandalf: So, you mean to go through with your plan to marry an elf then.

Bilbo: Yes, yes. It’s all in hand. All the wedding arrangements are made. (Gandalf opens the lid on the pot) Oh, thank you.

Gandalf: Frodo suspects something. If you weren’t related, I’d think he likes you. And of course he’s probably the only straight hobbit in the Shire.

Bilbo: ‘Course he suspects something. He’s a Baggins! Not some block-headed Bracegirdle from Hardbottle.

Gandalf: You will tell him, won’t you?

Bilbo: Yes, yes.

Gandalf: He’s very fond of you. Almost more than I.

Bilbo: I know. He’d probably come with me if I asked him. I think in his heart Frodo is still in love with the Shire: the woods, the fields…little rivers, hobbit girls…. I’m old Gandalf. I know I don’t look it, but I’m beginning to feel it in my heart. That’s why I must make this marriage last.
(Gandalf and Bilbo sit outside Bag End, each with a pipe in their mouth)

Bilbo: Old Toby. The finest weed in the Southfarthing.
(Bilbo blows a ring of smoke. Gandalf smiles and blows a heart of smoke, sailing trough the smoke ring that Bilbo made)

Bilbo: Gandalf, my old friend. This will be a night to remember!