~This spoof was originally written for my friends Straussy, Lauren, Sarah and Katherine. Hi guys! To get all the jokes you have to be a little mental or have my sense of humor (these generally go hand in hand.) Not to mention that you must also be extremely familiar with the movie and see it a billion times. This isn’t the first chapter, but I’m posting it first to…… honor the fact that it’s the first one I wrote. Because of this, most events are out of order. I plan to correct this later. For now, enjoy!

The Mirror of Galadriel

Frodo: Strangely enough I woke up just in time to find Galadriel standing there. I will follow her for no particular reason.(to Galadriel) Doesn’t it bother you to have your dress drag in the dirt?

Galadriel: Doesn’t it bother you that your feet are so hairy?

-Galadriel (also known as the “Lady of Dark”) and Frodo pass statues of two servants offering gourmet Elven food burnt to a crisp.

Galadriel: Come over here Frodo!

Frodo: What’s the big deal? It’s just a birdbath.

G: Actually you- Hey! What are you doing?

F: Thanks, I was so thirsty.

G: You idiot! You just drank holy water!

F: My cuteness makes up for my stupidery.

G: Ugh. Wait while I get more water.

F: What are you gonna do with all that water? I don’t need to be baptized.

G: That’s not what I’m doing.

F: In that case I hope it’s a potty. All this rushing water is very unsettling.

G: Please!

F: Well, I took a bath just 2 weeks ago.

G: Ewww, I didn’t need to know that.

F: And stop waving that pitcher up and down and up and down. Just pour the whole thing in!

G: Gosh Frodo, you’re so dense. Just look into the stinkin’ mirror.

F: What’ll I see, Merlin or something?

G: Past present and future for short because I get tired of using lengthy, tiring, yet nice sounding elvish lingo.

F: In saying that you talked just as much but sounded much stupider.

G: Okay here : Things that were, things that are ,and some things that have not yet come to pass. Ya happy Baggins?

F: When you say, ” has not yet come to pass,” do you mean like passing gas?

G: You sick minded little midget twirp. It means future, hasn’t happened yet, will come to be, or later to this point in time. I could go on. Get a thesaurus.

F: That’s not really a mirror. That’s more like a sci-fi digitally mastered psychic T.V. thing.

G: Ahhhhhh! Why do you have to be so dang politically correct? And stop questioning my authority. I get to interpret my part of the script the way I like. Besides, I’m a gazillion year old lady yearning for a little respect and-
F: Tisk, tisk. You must save all outbursts or explosive anger until later.

G: (to self) Wise guy. (aloud) Fine, ya want a mirror?(POOF)There, now it’s a real mirror.

F: Finally.

G: But I’m warning you, you’re not gonna like what you see.

F: I’m game.
-Frodo steps up to the mirror.
(gasp) Ahhhhhhh! A ZIT ! Acne, pimple, blemish, imperfection! It’s enormous! Inconceivably huge! I-I’m…UGLY!

G: Hehehe, ultimate payback.

F: Geewiz. Turn it back you creepy Repunsel wannabe!

G: Picky, picky. Never satisfied. (ZAP) It’s back to normal. Now will you look?

F: I already did.

G: Not for a sufficient amount of time.

F: Sure. As long as I don’t see sad, forlorned, and pitiful pictures of Sam, Merry, Pippin, and Legolas but strangely not Aragorn and Boromir, and images of the Shire catching on fire with an Orcish guy who looks like he’s been put on the rack and shriveled in the sun a little too long and a broken bridge and Hobbits in chains and a black slit like a cat’s eye surrounded in fire that can talk without a mouth.

G: Of coarse not. (to self) Sucker.

-Frodo sees exactly what he has just described.

F: Why can I hear sound effects?

G: Personally, I think that the smoke screen was a nice touch.

F: Wow, I can pull the chain off my neck without breaking it or choking myself even though it’s made of hard metal.

G: I know what it is that you saw.

F: I thought you said ,”Even the wisest cannot tell” what’s in the mirror.

G: Um, well…uhh-never mind. I know what you saw.
F: When?
G: Just now.
F: Where?
G: In the mirror.
F: Why?
G: ‘Cuz it’s on my mind! I’m thinking about it too!
F: What?
G: The freakin’ image!

F: Oh yeah, Sam is sweet isn’t he?

G: Not that part!

F: You mean…Ooooo you’ve got a thing for Legolas don’t you?

G: What?!

F: Don’t deny your feelings.

G: STOP IT!

F: I’ve got nothing against the guy. I’m sure you two will be very happy together.

G: I’m not listening! (humming) Hmmm hmm hmm

F: Oho ho, now I know it’s true. Hey, that ring on your finger… did he propose?

G: NO! This was the third ring made for the elves by- oops.
F: Ha! I knew it!
-takes out a list
Elrond: check. Galadriel: check. Two down, one to go.

G: What have I said? What have I done?

F: You said,”I have the third ring made fo-”

G: Stop, I know what I said.

F: I bet Sauron heard you. Awww, you’re in deep trouble. He’s gonna come down here to take it and kick your butt.

G: He can’t hear cuz he’s just an eye. And he can’t come cuz he’s just a spirit!

F: Then how’d he get in the water bowl?

G: This is nonsense. Forget everything I said about Legolas and all. In the mirror, I was referring to the part when you saw the eye trying to take the ring!

F: What about it?

G: I want the Ring!

F: That’s it? Man, why didn’t you say so? Here.

G: Really, for free?

F: Good point. How much money do you have? I don’t accept checks or credit cards since I’ll probably die before I reach a bank.

G: Not even MasterCard?

F: Nope. This is one of those priceless things. Don’t you watch T.V.? Does that mirror get cable?

G: Don’t you see how ironic that is? You say that it’s priceless, but you’re selling it for money.

F: Whatever. You’re confusing me. Just take it.

G: Here’s what I would be like if my voice was morphed and I was on negative film that got exposed in the middle of development.

F: Freaky.

G: Now I will use similes to compare myself to the hideousness of nature.

F: And that’s supposed to make me want to give you it?

G: I will be beautiful but as bad as he is. Everyone will despair and love me at the same time.

-Galadriel turns off the fan, puts on some pounds, and returns from smurf-form.

F: On the other hand, I think I’ll keep this. And that last part didn’t make sense at all.

G: I passed the test.

F: No, you failed miserably.

G: I will disintegrate and go into the west-

F: You imbecile! That’s straight towards Mordor!

G: Uhhh… humph. (mumbling) Smart Alec.

F: Why not east?

G: Shut up.

F: Why not Hobbiton? You’d have a lot of fun scaring infants and senior citizens.

G: Quiet! I’m not finished. As I was saying, I will go into the west and remain Galadriel.

F: But you never were Galadriel!

G: What?

F: Technically, you have not gone by the name “Galadriel” in this entire film.

G: You are correcting under no authority! Gees, everyone’s a critic.

F: I can’t believe you didn’t wake the others with all the noise you’ve been making.

G: Oh, so I’ve been making noise! Everything is my fault!

F: Exactly.

G: Okay, then let’s talk telepathically.

F: I don’t know how – oh, guess I do.

G: Someone in the fellowship will try to take the Ring.

F: You ruined the surprise!

G: No, I’m helping. You know who I’m talking about.

F: No I don’t.

G: Oh c’mon, the guy acts greedy and suspicious.

F: You gave away that it’s a boy!

G: They’re all boys, every one of them.
F: Even you?

G: No, every one in the fellowship.

F: Ahhh.

G: Erg. It’s not that hard. Take a wild guess if you have to.

F: Legolas?
G: No.
F: Gimli?
G: No.
F: Sam?
G: No!
F: Gandalf?
G: He’s dead… Oh excuse me, “fallen into shadow”
F: Merry?
G: No!
F: Aragorn?
G: NO.
F: Pippin?
G: NO!

F: But there’s no one left!

G: (shakes head in pity)

F: What?

G:(Lsigh)

F: No reply, that means yes! Of course, Pippin! Why didn’t I see it earlier? First the mushrooms, now this!

G: Frodo-

F: He’s a criminal mastermind! He slowly grew more and more corrupt until his evil intentions took over!

G: Calm down.

F: But how could he? I’ve known him since we were kids; we’re even related!

G: I’m warning you!

F: The thieving little brat. I otta- (gasp) AAAAAAAAAA!
-Galadriel pours water all over Frodo.

G: You just don’t know when to quit.

F: It’s so c-c-cold. And what about that speech about me wasting water?

G: Oh I’m sorry, you want some more?(SPLASH)

F: It’s too pure, and it’s ruined my hair!

G: Your hair is cruddy and twisted. That’s what I’d least be worrying about.

F: Meanie. (sniffle) That’s it!
– Frodo pulls out a 5 foot XP 10,000 Super Soaker with electrical powered pumps that shoot a 90 mile per hour stream from a distance of over 10 miles.
Ready yet? Get set to be wet. Revenge at its finest. (loads) It’s payback time.

G: Fine, I surrender despite the fact that I have immeasurable power and could easily destroy you in an instant.

F: It’s just talk. You’ve made a good decision in the long run.

G: Ha, you’re still screwed. You still have the Ring, remember?

F: Shoot, you’re right. I cannot do this alone.

G: Frodo, you don’t have to, you have the fellowship.

F: Oh, right.

G: This task was appointed to you. If you don’t find a way, we all die suffer, and are mutilated in a burning HECK!

F: Thanks for the encouragement. I know what I must do it’s just – (hesitantly) I’m afraid to do it.

G: Oh buck up ya dang scaredy cat. This is you at Weathertop: “Oh, let me fall and drop my only weapon of defense. Hey Nazgul, I have the Ring!” And you scream like a girl. You’re even afraid of lint and small rodents.

F: Who told you?

G: I can read minds, remember? Besides, small people never accomplish anything.

F: There goes my self-esteem.

G: Despite everything that’s just gone on between us, let’s be best friends and pretend nothing happened at all.

F: Okay.