The Plunderers
by Jolly Elven Piper

Chapter one

“Well, it’s finally over.” said Elrond, looking out on the gentle waves. “It seems like only yesterday I came into this world, now we sail to the Undying Lands.”

“And we sail in peace.” said Gandalf. His gentle, loving gaze was on Frodo, who was asleep on the boat floor. “Frodo was very brave. There’s just something special about that little pip-sque-”

“Watch it, Whitebread!” Said Bilbo, rapping Gandalf’s head with the cane. “Just because we can’t reach all the buttons on the elevator is no reason to take prejudice against us!”

Galadriel rolled her eyes. “Guys, please, we’re sailing to the Undying Lands… This is supposed to be a peaceful journey.” She then began humming along to inexplicably playing music. “I love this tune.”

Elrond raised a brow. “Isn’t this Annie Lennox?”

“Yea,” said Bilbo, “but it isn’t her best work… I’ve always been a fan of ‘Walking on Broken Glass’…. how did it go?-”

SMACK!!!

Suddenly, the boat lurched forward and knocked Elrond and Gandalf to the floor of the boat. Galadriel fell off her seat, and Bilbo’s shortness made it impossible to tell whether he was standing or sitting, much less if he stumbled when the boat lurched. Frodo was shaken out his nap, and quickly stood.

“Sam!” screamed Frodo, his blue eyes wide and vibrant. He shook his head and turned to Gandalf. “I must have been dreaming. I just can’t shake the bad memories… so I’m really glad we’re sailing to a more peaceful pla-” Frodo stopped short when he saw movement from the back of the boat. “What the-”

“Hands up, mateys!” said a pirate man. In one hand, he pointed a rusty pistol at the sailors. The other hand rested on the head of his sword, ready to pull it out at any moment. His hair was a disaster, and his eyes were heavily shadowed with eye-liner.

Gandalf spoke. “Please, Mister, we mean no trouble.”

“I know that, old man. I, however, do mean trouble. And I also mean to steal this boat from you.”

“No,” said Elrond, “you can’t. We’re on a peaceful journey to the Undying Lands.”

“Any treasure there?” said the pirate.

“I… don’t think so.”

“Sounds boring. Now hand over any valuables and walk the plank!”

Gandalf looked at him angrily confused. “That makeup on your face must be seeping into your brain! There is no plank on this vessel.”

“That’s why you’ll notice my huge pirate ship tied to the back of this boat. You’ll all board my ship, and then walk the plank. And as far as the makeup issue goes, you’re just jealous you don’t look as ambiguously cool as I do.”

The company looked back and saw a huge, dark, scary pirate ship. The sails were black and ripped, and the wood looked as though it may fall to pieces at any moment. As Elrond scanned the ship for any signs of life, he noticed a familiar looking figure.

“Legolas!” he said. “Did this brute kidnap you? Is he making you walk the plank too?”

“No, Elrond… I’m with him.”

The company was shocked. They turned back to the pirate. Gandalf spoke.

“Who are you?”

“A pirate, a scallywag!”

“Wait…” Gandalf’s eyes widened. “You’re Jack Sparrow, the legendary human pirate man!”

“Captain Jack Sparrow.”

Elrond spoke with a raised eyebrow. “I heard that you were a terrible pirate.”

“Yes.. but you have heard of me.” said Jack, smiling. “I know you have the rings. Now hand them over and let’s get moving.”

With little choice, Gandalf, Elrond, and Galadriel gave their rings to Jack and began to walk onto the pirate ship. Frodo and Bilbo followed. As they all boarded Jack’s ship, they saw that only Legolas was aboard. He was at the helm, pretending to be Jack.

“Check this out, gang.” said Legolas in his usual gentle accent. “Yo ho, yo ho, Fro-do, yo ho – a pirate’s life for me! Wheee!”

Galadriel shook her head. “You’ve gone mad, Legolas. What possessed you to turn into a pirate!?”

“Well, it’s simple really. I’ve always been the perfect immortal elven angel. Then Jack came along and I just had to go with him. It’s like – it’s in my blood.”

“Yea, yea.” said Jack. “Now off the plank!!!!”

Gandalf was first. He completely disrobed for no apparent reason. Then he turned to the rest and spoke. “I had hoped it wouldn’t end like this. Me, about to drown with dear friends. Me, sentenced to death by an elf and a feminine pirate. Me, naked. Thank you, goodbye.” And with that he fell back into the crystal sea. The others were silent as Elrond stood on the plank next.

“Answer me this, pirate!” said Elrond, with both eyebrows raised. “Why do you need the small boat when you have this monster of a ship?”

“It’s really simple, man.” said Jack. “We aim to plunder the world! We can’t ride around in a freakin’ huge, scary, black ship now can we?”

“I suppose you’re right.” And with that, Elrond fell back into the water.

Galadriel was next. “I have nothing to say.” she said.

Legolas was confused. “But – you just said something. If you had nothing to say, you should have just jumped in the water.”

“You know what I mean, Legolas!” she said, shaking a finger at him. “I’m always misunderstood. I should’ve taken that blasted ring and used for my own darn will! AHHHHHH!”

“Taken the ring?” said Frodo. “You should have taken the ring?!!!”

Frodo dashed towards Galadriel and speared his head into her stomach, sending them both to their doom. Lastly, Bilbo stood on the plank and looked down into the ocean.

“Suckers.” he said, and laughed.

“Right-O little man.” said Jack. “By the way, Bil, I would’ve never found these here waters without the map you sent me.”

“Don’t mention it, Jack. Legolas, did you bring any weed?”

“Yep. I’m trying to quit myself, but I knew you’d puff it. I’ll break it out when we board the little boat.”

“Excellent.” Bilbo turned to Jack. “Do you puff the Old Toby, Jack?”

“Who, me? Why do you think they call me Puff Daddy?”

“Dang right.” said Bilbo. “Now, let’s plunder!”

….to be continued.