Well, my sister and I wrote this together, but it wouldn’t post it for her so we’re trying on my account.
We own nothing except the lame jokes, unless indeed they are from something else.
Warning. This mildly makes fun of Republicans.
(Everyone who, in the book, is younger than Frodo, is five)

Our story begins on Pippin’s first day of first grade.

*bell rings*

*students sit*

Aragorn: Hello class, I’m your teacher Mr…Smith. PUT THE STAPLER DOWN!

Pippin: But my shoe’s untied.

Aragorn- I mean Mr. Smith: Tie it then.

Pippin: But I like the stapler.

Mr. Smith: *sigh* T.A.

Frodo: What?

Mr. Smith: Tie his shoe.

Frodo: Fine. Come over here kid.

Pippin: *looks around to see who he’s talking to*

Frodo: YOU!

Pippin: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

Mr. Smith: Pippin, breathe.

Pippin: Yes Agent Smith-I mean Aragorn- I mean Mr. Smith.

Mr. Smith: *nervously adjusts false moustache*

Pippin: *breathes*

Frodo: *bends down to tie shoe*

Pippin: AHHH! SNAKE! *kicks Frodo in the face*

Frodo: Ow. Kid, there wasn’t any snake.

Pippin: How would you know? You were too busy trying to steal my shoes!

Frodo: For the record, why are you wearing shoes?

Pippin: Because they match my eyes.

Mr. Smith: Enough! We must learn! Now hobbits-

Faramir: What’s a hobbit?

Mr. Smith: Who are you?

Faramir: *smiles*

Mr. Smith: You’re a little human kid, aren’t you?

Faramir: No, I’m a dwarf! GRR! Now I’m a pirate! ARR! Now I’m a Republican! *punches little Sam*

Sam: Ow. MOMMY THE REPUBLICAN HURT ME!

Merry: *raises hand*

Mr. Smith: Yes Merry?

Merry: Where do babies come from?

Mr. Smith: They don’t. Now children, turn to page 394 of your storybook.

Pippin: *turns to the index* …394…394…aha! It’s on page 394! *turns to page 394*

Frodo: Uh, Mr. Smith, are you sure that chapter is appropriate for first graders?

Mr. Smith: Of course it is.

On page 394 there is a picture of Saruman sitting on a missile, riding off into the sunset.

Mr. Smith: This chapter is on when the pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. I’m going to read it, and I want you to follow along.

Pippin quickly got bored. So, he took out his read-along tape for that chapter, which would tell him when to turn the page. Mr. Smith would never know that he wasn’t paying attention!

read-along tape: Turn the page!

Pippin: *turns the page*

3 minutes later…

read-along tape: Turn the page!

Pippin: *turns the page*

3 minutes later…

read-along tape: TURN THE PAGE! TURN THE PAGE! TURN IT!

Pippin: *nervously turns 3 pages*

3 minutes later…

read-along tape: Churn the page!

Pippin: Does anyone have a butter churner?

class: *stares*

Faramir: Now, I’m Amish! *punches little Sam*

Sam: *looks as if he’s about to cry*

Mr. Smith: T.A. Go cheer Sam up.

Frodo: But I don’t like kids.

Mr. Smith: Cheer him up.

Frodo: Alright. *walks up to Sam* Hi.

Sam: *starts to cry*

Frodo: I give up. *begins to walk away, slips on tears on the floor, falls down*

Sam: YAY! *laughs*

Frodo: *grumbles to self and walks away*

read-along tape: Burn the page!

Pippin: *takes out lighter and burns page*

Mr. Smith: Now, now, now. No fire in the classroom.

Pippin: *puts out fire*

3 minutes later…

read-along tape: Burn the sage!

Pippin: Burn the sage?

Gandalf: Burn the sage?! I gotta get outta here! *runs away*

Pippin: Wait! I must burn you! *chases Gandalf out of the classroom and down the hall with a lighter*

THE END…for now….REVIEW! No matter how much you hate this, please.

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