Me, You and a Hobbit Named Sue

Being the First Part of The Saga of the Sues

The Fellowship of the Rings

“Aaahhh!” A small shape flew through the tiny room the hobbits were sharing in The Prancing Pony. Strider caught the noisy bundle, planning to set it out of harm’s way. It squealed and demanded to be, “Put down at once!” in an imperial tone. The bundle turned out to be a small Hobbit maid.

“Who in Middle Earth are you?” Frodo asked.

“Oh.” She stopped glaring up at Strider and looked Frodo full in the face. Immediately she fell head over heels in love. After all, she had a thing for big blue eyes. And Frodo’s were, as we all know, exceptionally big and blue. And at times in the near future would completely dominate his gasping face. But that’s later. Back to the current story.

“My name is Sue.” She said, holding out her hand to shake Frodo’s. “Merri Sue. My father is the King of all the Hobbits in the Shire. Who are YOU?”

“Um, I don’t remember any King in the Shire do you Pip?” Merry whispered.

But Pippin’s eyes were already looking slightly glazed. It only took a couple more seconds for Merry to follow his cousin into painless oblivion. One look into Sue’s eyes and Frodo was a goner. Sam, good old Sam, being naturally suspicious of anything that might even inadvertently harm his master, managed to keep a finger hold on reality. But just barely. There was a small POP and Strider vanished, as he was not part of Merri Sue’s plan at all. So much for the Return of the King.

This is, of course, a prime example of a Mary Sue not only interrupting the order of the story, but also completely changing the entire politics and history of Middle Earth. Oh wouldn’t Lord Elrond cringe? But without Strider I guess nine is still the number of your counting.

“And you are?” Merri Sue prompted again.

“Why I’m Frodo Baggins,” Frodo murmured. Wait, wasn’t he supposed to be going by Underhill? Well, no matter. What could possibly be dangerous about telling such a cute little Hobbit maid his real name? After all, she was the Crown Princess. Even though the very words “Crown Princess” seemed to strike a small alarm in the back of his mind. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Her eyes were of starry violet her hair a bright curly blond the likes of which had never been seen in the Shire before. And she had the most beautiful feet. She was dressed in a long flowing sparkly dress that just allowed her furry feet to peep out and a large and rather gaudy tiara of Mithril and diamonds crowned her curly tresses.

“Baggins” She was muttering. “Now where have I heard that name before..? Oh yes. I believe there’s a warrant out for your arrest. Yes, I saw it posted just the other day. Why,” She said in surprise, “you’re a wanted criminal! You stole something didn’t you? Oh what was it?” She tapped her foot impatiently until the answer materialized in her tiny Mary Sue brain. “Something about jewelry? Are you a jewel thief?”

Frodo flushed tried to look the other way, but Mary Sue’s eyes held his. “Give it to me.” She said. “I want it.”

“NO!” The One Ring gave an ear-piercing squeal and tried to dodge Frodo’s fingers as he reached for it. “Keep her away from me!” It wailed piteously. “Even I can’t stand the power of a Mary Sue. It’s…it’s…it’s just too hideous for words!”

Frodo seemed to come out of his daze long enough to stop his fingers from grasping the One Ring. There was a sigh of relief from his pocket. Resisting mightily, Frodo decided to tell Merri Sue the entire story instead. All of it, starting with Isildur and listing as many of the names and dates from history as he could remember. Sue of course had never read the books but only seen the movie. Albeit several times. Once Sam caught on, he too supplied all the facts he could remember, along with a few he made up. The Sue’s hold on them seemed to shrink just a little as her eyes started to glaze. Everyone breathed a little easier.

Unfortunately, Sue was made of stronger stuff than Frodo had anticipated. While he stopped for breath she bounced back and once again took control of the situation.

“I will go with you to Rivendell,” she said. “We will destroy the Ring together.”

And that, it seemed, was that.

Unfortunately Sue then remembered why she had come shrieking into their room in the first place. She settled herself and began to speak as fast as a teenager on a sugar high. “OhmygoodnessIcameinheretohidebecausethere’sthesescarrylookingguysorblackhorsesinthetownandthey werecommingrightfoemesoIraninheretohide!!!” The once brash Sue had become timid and tried to jump into Frodo’s arms. As his eyes were glazed and he was in his happy place he didn’t notice and Sue fell flat on the ground. Not to be deterred she wailed, “Ohpleaseprotectmefromthem!!!”

Sam fuzzily wondered if maybe they shouldn’t be trying to protect the ring wraiths from Sue instead, but then she started talking again and all possibility for coherent thought was lost.

Once again she took hold of the situation and imperiously demanded that they, “Get out of town.”

Immediately they appeared on Weathertop and before long the Nazgul were upon them.

“Well you all have swords don’t you?” Sue screeched. “Then protect me! I’m your Crown Princess!”

Immediately swords appeared around each Hobbit’s waist (after all they hadn’t visited the barrow wights or Strider so where could they have gotten them?), momentarily weighing them down for they were long swords usually used by men, rather then long knives, which usually served Hobbits as swords. They were still trying to get them up in the air when the one of the Nine stabbed Frodo. He went down and Sue, easily picking up one of the long swords in one hand, gave a war cry and waded into the fray. She hadn’t seen Frodo get stabbed.

Sobbing, Sam threw himself on his dying master and generally got in the way. Once the Sue had given her war cry the Nazgul ran off in fear (as well they should have), so she returned, not having broken a sweat of course, to find poor Frodo gasping like a fish out of water, and his eyes swallowing up his face. She grabbed Sam by the collar and shoved him out of the way so she could fall, sobbing, on Frodo’s chest. Murmuring her undying love for him, she wept all over the wound, while the other three Hobbits tried not to get sick to their stomachs.

Before long Frodo began to sit up, confused. He knew his shoulder should hut like the mad, but it didn’t and for some reason he was all wet. Naturally the Sue’s tears had healing powers. A la Star Wars and Harry Potter crossover. Not to mention blatant Sueness. Maybe Sue was a cross between a Hobbit, a Phoenix and whatever Vergere was. It might have been nice to see Sue go up in flames, but the very idea that she could be reborn over and over again was rather unsettling. Not to mention that the Force might be with her. *Shudder*

Before long the five of them were once again on their way to Rivendell, Sue perched on Bill the Pony’s back, with Frodo holding the bridle, making sure to steer the poor pony clear of any uneven ground.

* * * * * *

Once the group reached Rivendell the council began. But not before Sue instructed Elrond to check Frodo’s shoulder. She wasn’t sure that she had healed it very well. Elrond did so, and humbly declared that she had done what he could not and begged her for her healing secrets. She just coyly smiled and protested that it was a family secret that she could not divulge. From then on Elrond followed her around like a puppy hoping she would drop a secret or two.

Sue called the council herself and gave the opening remarks, before allowing Elrond to take over for her as she was feeling faint from lack of mushrooms. Elrond clapped his hands and Arwen appeared with a large platter of mushrooms in hand. She knelt to offer them to Sue, and Frodo, concerned at Sue’s weakness, decided to feed her himself, and let her lean up against him.

Before long everyone was arguing up a storm. Gimli busted up his favorite ax trying to destroy the One Ring and Gandalf sat meekly by while Sue calmed everyone down with one well placed smile in the Argument’s general direction. It fled in terror. Everyone dutifully turned to look at Sue. But before she could proclaim in a longsuffering voice that she, Merri Sue, Crown Princess of the Shire and obviously the cutest thing ever to grace Middle Earth would throw the One Ring into the Fires of Mount Doom and thereby save the Universe, Frodo spoke up loudly claiming that he had carry the ring this far, so he would carry it all the way. Sue just smiled a cracked sort of smile and vowed to help support Frodo on his journey.

This was not quite going according to her plan. So she just smiled her sickly sweet smile and effused cute spunkiness into the air until she had everyone under control again. She then hand picked Legolas and was looking around for Aragorn. Suddenly there was a loud POP and Aragorn appeared in the midst of everyone looking quite confused. Sue just smiled and continued pointing out various “elfs” that were very good looking to accompany them on their way. She noticeably did not include any of the Dwarves though she did pick Boromir. Personally I think it’s just ’cause she wanted someone to torture so she could look like a victim when they retaliated.

Elrond was smiling on the whole assemblage with a vacant look on his face. After a while he shook himself and gained enough consciousness to realize that Sue was tearing apart their very reality and took things in hand long enough to make sure all of the right characters made it into the Fellowship. The Other Hobbits (this is how Sue sees them) made their appearance and looking slightly disgruntled as always, Elrond declared them the Fellowship of the Ring (hence the nifty title).

“Nine.” He said and then frowned. “No. Ten.” He looked confused and did a quick head count just to be sure. “But there are only nine walkers…” he muttered to himself. “Nine walkers and nine riders. This isn’t balanced. Not balanced at all…” He wandered off muttering to himself.

* * * * * *

The ten members of the Fellowship made their way over the river and through the woods (to grandmother’s house we go!) before stopping to rest on the top of an anonymous hill. Sue sat with Frodo, and made him “second lunch” as she called it. After all he had to keep up his strength. Sam was off in the distance, Merry and Pippin were playing swash-buckling pirates with Boromir and Aragorn. Legolas was watching the sky and occasionally turning a wandering eye on Sue. Gimli sat alone grumbling to himself and Gandalf smoked, lost in thought. Since Legolas’ eyes were frequently wandering to gaze on Sue, it was herself who noticed that the birds were coming. She cried out a warning and made sure to push Frodo out of sight under an overhang, while she trampled out the little fire she had going. Of course she burned her feet in the process and had to be carried to Moria.

Holding on to Frodo’s shoulders all the way up the mountain (as though he didn’t already have enough of a burden) Sue found her eyes strayed often to the light chain around Frodo’s neck. The little chain that held the Ring. She looked at it thoughtfully. She had been having odd dreams about towers, great glowing red eyes and world domination. In her dreams she saw herself making everything right in Middle Earth. The flowers bloomed, little birds came to rest on her fingers. Squirrels and rabbits ate out of her hands. And she and Frodo’s children played not to far away. They were beautiful little Hobbit boys and girls.

The Ring concentrated very hard and a large chunk of snow fell off the side of the mountain and landed on Sue’s head, knocking her tiara askew and knocking herself out of Fantasyland.

The rest of the First movie pretty much went according to plan. Sue’s plan that is. Once in the mountains, she out chanted Saruman. She suggested they go through Moria specifically so she could be attacked by the Watcher and Frodo and Legolas could save her. She bestowed a kiss on both. She managed to lead everyone through the mines and even Gimli and gave a strangled remark on her good direction. Sue of course brushed all the praise off modestly.

Eventually they fought the cave trolls, Gandalf went over the edge with the balrog and Sue, dry eyed, comforted the others. She led them through the forest and was they only one who wasn’t captured by the elves and taken to Galadriel. She showed up on the scene later and had a heart to heart with the Lady of the Forrest, who let her look into her mirror. Sue refuses to tell anyone what she saw, though she implies that it is her own death, some undeterminable time in the future.

There is a long soliloquy about the gifts everyone is given including several paragraphs devoted to Sue’s gift, a lute that she can ply that will lift the hearts of others when they hear it combined with her lovely voice. She serenaded them that night. The next day the company moved down the river and camped in the woods. Tempers here high, orcs had been spotted and many things happened at once. During the fighting Sue had a moment of confusion. You see she knew that she loved both Frodo and Legolas, possibly equally. This was a quandary. Even Sue, with all of her powers, could not be in two different places at once. So she tossed a coin and decided to follow Frodo.

She had a dramatic near drowning scene because, well, near drownings are always romantic. And because Sam and Frodo were paddling as fast as they could in a vain attempt to loose her. No such luck. So The Fellowship of the Ring: According to Sue ended, with two damp and bedraggled looking hobbits gazing not in the distance, but at the glorious vision of the faultless Hobbit maid as she strode off before them.