(Scene opens at the Council of Elrond. The search for the Ringbearer has been narrowed down to 5 candidates: Gandalf, Gimli, Aragorn, Frodo, and Elrond himself.)

Elrond: (speaking) Alright gentlemen, let’s get on with it. Which of us will take the ring to Mordor?

Gandalf:
Mr. Elrond I say you should take it.
To your knowledge and your wisdom we defer.

Elrond:
Is that so?
Well if I’m the one to do it
I never will get through it
I’m thousands of years old, you know that sir?

Gandalf: (dryly)Yes, I know.

Elrond: So I say you should take it Gandalf, yes you!

Gandalf: Oh no!

Elrond: Yes you, Mr. Gandalf, you!

Gandalf: But!

Elrond: You!

Gandalf: But!

Elrond: You!

Gandalf: Buuuut…
Mr. Elrond, but Mr. Elrond
With knowledge of its nature (which was grim),
Saruman had been filled up right to the brim,
But surely you’ve seen what that did to him!

All except Elrond: (forming a line and marching around the Ring in a circle) Did to him, did to him, the ring has done him in!

Elrond: (picking Aragorn this time, who steps out of line)
Mr. Strider I say you should take it.
Many hardships can never you deter.

Aragorn: (not at all modestly) That is true.

Elrond:
But if I’m the one to do it
I never will get through it
I’m thousands of years old, you know that sir?

Aragorn: (exasperated) Yes, I do.

Elrond: So I say you should take it, Strider, yes you.

Aragorn: Ai Valar, no!

Elrond: Yes you, Mr. Aragorn, You!

Aragorn: But!

Elrond: You!

Aragorn: But!

Elrond: You!

Aragorn: Buuut…
Mr. Elrond, but Mr. Elrond
I’m Isildur’s heir, as surely you must know.
Into the fire the ring he could not throw,
So this is one assignment that I will forgo! (runs to join line)

All except Elrond: (continue to march in circle): He’ll forgo, he’ll forgo, this is one assignment that he will forgo!!

Elrond: (selecting Gimli)
Mr. Gimli, I say you should take it
Your stubbornness is nothing to sneeze at.

Gandalf: That’s absurd.

Elrond:
But if I’m the one to do it
I never will get through it

A, G & F: He’s thousands of years old, did you know that?

Gimli: I hadn’t heard.

Elrond: So I say you should take it Gimli, yes you!

Gimli: Not me, Elrond.

Elrond: Yes you, Mr. Gimli, you!

Gimli: But!

Elrond: You!

Gimli: But!

Elrond: You!

Gimli: Buuuut…
Mr. Elrond, dear, Mr. Elrond
All you tall folk never listen the shorter.
If I took it, everything would be disorder
I am not the one to take the ring to Mordor

All except Elrond: (marching in circle) Ring to mordor, ring to Mordor, he will not take the ring!!!

(all back away, leaving Frodo alone. Elrond looks at him sternly and points to it)

Frodo: Mr. Elrond, leave me alooone!
(speaking)Mr. Elrond, I beg of you. I have not seen my home in over a month.

Others: (in background)
La la la, la la, la la, la, la
La la la, lala la la, lala la lalala
la la la, la la la la lalala
la la la, lala la la, lala la lalala

Elrond: Think about it, Frodo. Think about what it will look like to movie goers. None of us can take it. Obviously. (walks over to Frodo) You’re ten times more adorable than any one in this Council… Including me.
Mr. Baggins, you possess a…happy talent…for ring-bearing. A certain…resistance…to it’s evil.
Now, will you be a hero…or a homebody?

Frodo: (pretends to think for a second) A homebody. (starts to walk away)

Elrond: (stops him) No.

Frodo: But I can’t do it, Mr. E!

Elrond: Nor can I, Mr. B!

Frodo: You?

Others: What?

Elrond:
Mr. Baggins, dear Mr. Baggins
I am an elf, I have the capability
But I am bogged down with responsibiltiy
It’s more a matter of availability.

A, G &G: (grab hold of Gandalf’s staff and begin a chorus line, complete with kicking) Availability, availability, a-vaila-bil-i…

Elrond: (yells at them) Quiet!
(turns to Frodo) Now you’ll take it, Mr. B.

Frodo: Who will make me, Mr. E?

Elrond: I!

Frodo: You?

Elrond: Yes.

Frodo: How?

Elrond(looming over Frodo): By physical force, if necessary.

Frodo:
Mr. Elrond, blast you, Mr. Elrond,
That you’re extremely old and senile cannot be denied.
And now you stand between me and my fireside…

A, G & G: Firesiiide…

Frodo: Ohh, Mr. Elrond, what you’re asking for is suicide! (starts to leave)

A, G &G: (starting chorus line again) Suicide, Suicide…

Elrond(shouting at A, G &G): QUIET!!
(runs to catch up with Frodo) The ring is yours, Mr. Baggins. Do as you like with it!!

A, G & G: He may see Mordor ye-et!!

~~~The End~~~