Frodo, attempting to prevent as much violence as possible: Okay everyone, instead of fighting we’re going to sing! Just follow my lead.
Pippin: But, Frodo, we can’t sing!
Frodo: Exactly!

Frodo, deliberately off-key: Everyone wants to be a halfling!
Cause a halfling’s the only thing
That knows how to swing!
Pippin, naturally off-key: Oh, I get it!
Everyone is picking up on that hobbit beat!
And everything else is obsolite!
Merry, also naturally off-key: Boromir on a horn
Made you wish you weren’t born
Any time he played!
Frodo: But a hobbit music act
Can send music right back
To the Eldar Days
Pippin: Do-do dee do dolay!
Merry: I heard about an orc
That tried to dance
Sam, way, way off-key: But a halfling’s the only thing
That knows how to prance!
And even though we can swing
Few of us can sing!
All: Cause ev-er-y-one wants to be a halfling!
Merry: Boromir on a horn
Made you wish you weren’t born
Any time he played!
Pippin: O a-rinky tinky dinky!
Frodo: But a hobbit music act
Can send music right back
To the Eldar Days
Sam: O a-rinky tinky dinky!
Both: Yes, everyone wants to be a halfling!
Cause a halfling’s the only thing
That knows how to swing!
And even though we can swing few of us can sing!
Cause everyone loves a swinging halfling!
Ruffian Leader, spoken: Come on boys! Lets rock this joint!
Frodo, spoken: Bring it on! Hahaha!

Insanely loud instrumental break

Rosie stops the instrumental break and captures everyone’s attention by playing the harp badly and singing an octave above what the song should be

If you want to turn me on
Play the horn don’t spare the tone
And blow a little soul
Into the tune
Sam: Let’s take it to another key
Merry: Modulate, and wait for me
I’ll blow a few ad-libs and pretty soon

Merry blasts his Rohirric horn

Frodo: All the halflings will soon commence
Congregating really tense
beneath the pale moon’s only light
Rosie: Where every note is out of sight

Music speeds up again

All Halflings: Everyone yeah
Everyone yeah
Everyone wants to be a Halfling!
Everyone yeah
Everyone yeah
Everyone wants to be a Halfling!
Everyone yeah
Everyone yeah
Everyone wants to be a Halfling!
Everyone yeah
Everyone yeah
Everyone wants to be a Halfling!

Continues until all the ruffians run screaming from the Shire, never to return

Total casualties for the Battle of Bywater:
38 nearby hobbit windows
482 Ruffian eardrums