A/N: This is a parody of My Band, about the Fellowship and their dealings with a Mary Sue known as Larien.

[Larien]

I don’t know, Eru,
I think everybody’s all jealous of me,
Cause I am the best wielder of a sword, Eru,
And I think everybody’s got a pointless problem with me, Eru,
And they need to take it up with me after the War.
Because…

These orcs don’t even know the name of my sword,
But they’re all dying like they’re born to be killed,
Cause once I stab I know that I’ll be the elf,
All because I’m the best wielder of my sword.

So I’m at the Council, right? Sitting tight,
Get up, see the Fellowship, and I just say,
“Mae govannen, my name’s Larien,
“I’m the tenth member of the Fellowship, Frodo.”
He says, “By the Valar it’s her!
“Pippin, oh Ilúvatar, it’s Larien!
“I swear to Elbereth that you’re really swift,
“Please, won’t you please join the Fellowship?”
And by now, the rest of the men are getting jealous,
Especially when I take my sword and do some striking.

All the orcs start yelling, all the Uruks throw their bows and their shields and their
helmets on the ground,
It’s just every single night they pick a fight with me,
But when we fight it’s kind of like sibling rivalry,
Cause they’re back walking the next day with me,
Eh, I just think they’re trying to steal some sleep from me.
Yesterday Aragorn almost pulled a knife on me,
Cause I told him Arwen’s Faramir’s wife-to-be.
This Fellowship is the life for me, and all the other men are just despising me,
Because…

These orcs don’t even know the name of my sword,
But they’re all dying like they’re born to be killed,
Cause once I stab I know that I’ll be the elf,
All because I’m the best wielder of my sword.

My sword, my sword, my sword, my sword, my sword, my sword, my sword, my
sword, my sword…

[Legolas]

You just want to see Larien fight me, don’t you?
Aragorn, how come we get all the burdens?
Smash these Uruk-hai, and fight with Men,
But we’re unwanted, and they are her friends.
You don’t want to hear me, you’re a liar.

[Aragorn]

No, I’m listening… I thought you were Larien.

[Legolas]

And what is the problem with our horses too?
Cause my mare is backing away from that Mary Sue.
See, I know how to fight, it’s simple but,
All I did was read another archery book,
So I’m more precise, always making my mark,
Doing exercises while getting whipped on by back.
Look at that tenth Walker, thinking she’s the elf.

[Aragorn]

Yeah, I know, friend, finding herself taking on an orc.

[Legolas]

Wait, I thought we had a meeting with Faramir?

[Larien]

No, I had a meeting, not you two.

[Legolas]

We’re going to be late for Mordor.

[Aragorn]

I’m going to Mordor!

[Legolas]

But our mares are screwed up and hers always ride best!

[Aragorn]

You know what, friend? I’m going to say something.

[Legolas]

Larien!

[Larien]

You have something to say?

[Aragorn]

Who, me?

[Legolas]

I thought you were about to tell her off, friend, what’s wrong?

[Aragorn]

You forgot to back me up, we’re supposed to be Hunters!

[Legolas]

Well, I was about to talk right after you! I speak the truth!

[Larien]

These orcs don’t even know the name of my sword,
But they’re all dying like they’re born to be killed,
Cause once I stab I know that I’ll be the elf,
All because I’m the best wielder of my sword.

[Frodo]

They say the Sue does work, but the rest do not,
Once we’ve lost our guide to the Uruk-hai.
I’m going to let Middle-earth know that Frodo’s here,
I should just take off when I get a chance.
Ready to kill that Larien, every time I hear:
“Larien, I love your sword!”
We’re a Fellowship and we walk together,
Why does she get fans and we only get a few?
And my friends can find everything themselves.
[Larien]

Sam, make a meal!

[Frodo]

Make your own!
Can’t make it to Mount Doom, Mary Sue’s in my way.

[Larien]

Can I see your Ring?

[Frodo]

Where’s Merry and Sam?

[Gandalf]

Valar take me, I’m sick of this group.
Time to play dead and get new robes.
I told you I’m the best guide all-around,
Ever since Aragorn met Arwen.
Moria and Dwarrowdelf? I was in the front.
Bilbo’s big departure?
I was helping him.
For the Gondorians, I’ve got some suggestions:
Forget Larien, ask us the questions.
Like, ‘Who’s Frodo? How’d he get started?’

[Faramir]

But what about Larien?

[Gandalf]

Men- can they hear nothing?
Anyway, I’m the wisest guide in the group.
Orc-killing staff, no one thinks I’m young.

[Hobbit-child]

It’s Gandalf!

[Gandalf]

Aragorn asked me how I stay clean,
Got halfway through and put him to sleep.
Forget Larien, I’m out of this song.
I’m off to start a revolt against Mordor’s orcs.

[Larien]

Why can’t you all see,
You’re the Fellowship for me?
And it just tears my heart apart to know that,
You can’t see my sword…

[Gandalf]

These orcs don’t even know the name of my sword,
But they’re all dying like they’re born to be killed,
Cause once I stab I know that I’ll be the elf,
All because I’m the best wielder of my sword.

[Larien]

My sword, my sword, my sword, my sword, my sword, my sword, my sword, my
sword, my sword…

I’m the best wielder of my sword,
I get the Uruks to fall down dead.
I’m the best wielder of my sword, my parry
Makes all the Uruks fall down dead.
My parry, my parry, parry, parry, parry,
My parry makes all the Uruk-hai want to stop and lay down completely dead,
My parry makes all the Uruk-hai want to stop and lay down completely dead, my parry.

Where did everybody go?