The Lord of the Ruffles

The Fellowship of the Chips

Written by Vanyar

Three chips for the Elven Kings under the sky
Seven for the Dwarf Lords in their halls of stone.
Nine for the mortal men doomed to high cholesterol.
One for the Ruffle Lord on his throne –
In Frito-Lay, where the deep-fryers fry.
One bag of chips to rule them all,
One bag to bind them
One bag to bring them all and in obesity bind them
In Frito-Lay where the deep-fryers fry.

Installment I.

Scene One

Camera pans over an ill-kept house, settling on a hobbit sitting on a couch watching TV. The doorbell rings.

BILBO: Frodo, answer the door! Frodo? Now where has that boy gone off too?

Cut to outside where Frodo is playing on a Gameboy. The sound of a car can be heard coming along the road. Frodo jumps up and runs to curb as an old grey car comes into view

FRODO: You’re late!

GANDALF: Nonsense, my boy, a wizard is neither late nor early, but arrives precisely when he means to.

FRODO: You ran out of gas again, didn’t you?

GANDALF: If you must know, it was the radiator, but I’m here aren’t I? You didn’t think I’d miss your Uncle Bilbo’s birthday did you?

FRODO: He’s been acting strange lately. He just sits on the couch all day, watching cooking shows. He’s up to something.

Frodo gives Gandalf a sideways glance.

FRODO: Well, all right, keep to yourself then, but before you came along we Bagginses were well thought of – always ate sensible meals and followed strict diet plans.

GANDALF: If you’re referring to the business with that donut, all I did was give your Uncle a little taste of my glaze.

FRODO: Whatever it was, you’ve officially been labeled an expander of the waist. Wonderful to see you again, Gandalf.

Frodo hops out of car…Pan to shot of Gandalf walking up sidewalk to the door of Bag End. Gandalf knocks on door with his staff

BILBO: Go away! Emeril Lagassi is showing me how to prepare a delightful Cajun chicken salad with some extra BAM!

GANDALF: You won’t even open the door for a very old friend?

BILBO: Gandalf? Is that you?

Bilbo opens the door.

BILBO: Welcome Gandalf, Come in , come in! He’s about to add the final BAM!

GANDALF: I see the preparations for your party are almost done! Do you mean to go one with your plan?

BILBO: Shh…he’s about to say it!

Emeril can be heard from TV. saying “BAM”

BILBO: WOO-HOO! I love how he says that! Now, what were you saying? Something about my party? Oh yes, the preparations! Yes, they’re almost done; this should be a party to remember.

GANDALF: Do you still mean to leave?

BILBO: Yes, I’m fat, Gandalf. I may not look it, but I begin to feel it. Like to much air pushed into a balloon. I need exercise, Gandalf, EXERCISE! I shall leave the shire tonight, and I won’t come back until I lose fifty pounds.

GANDALF: You mean to say, you’re not coming back?

BILBO: Probably not, my friend, probably not.

GANDALF: And what about Frodo. He’ll miss you.

BILBO: I know, he could probably use some exercise too. But his heart belongs here still. With that Gameboy he’s always playing. I shall leave him Bag End.

GANDALF: And the bag of chips?

BILBO: Yes, of course, of course. Now, I think it’s high time I got ready for my party!

Scene Two

Cut to party. Hobbits are singing and dancing and drinking…Bilbo stands on top of a picnic table and begins his speech.

BILBO: Tooks and Brandybucks, Bagginses and Boffins, and oh hell…Hey, all you hobbits! Today is my hundred and eleventh birthday!

Crowd cheers.

BILBO: Alas, one hundred and eleventy years is too small a time to live with such trim and muscular hobbits. I am going now…Goodbye.

Bilbo pops a potato chip in his mouth and disappears. The crowd cries out indignantly. Cut back to Bag End. Bilbo is packing some last minute things. Gandalf appears as if out of nowhere.

GANDALF: I suppose you thought that was pretty clever.

BILBO: Oh, come on! Did you see their faces? Besides, I wanted to disappear one last time before I got too fat to vanish into thin air.

GANDALF: I trust everything is in order?

BILBO: Yes, the deed is in the desk.

GANDALF: And the bag of chips?

BILBO: It’s in the cabinet above the sink…no wait, it’s right there… by my butt groove in the couch. Why not, why shouldn’t I watch one more show and eat one more chip. They’re mine, my own, my Ruffles!

GANDALF: Ruffles? They were called that once before, but not by you.

BILBO: What difference does it make what I do with my own chips? You just want them for yourself!

GANDALF: Bilbo Baggins do not take me for some couch potato! I’m not trying to eat them…I’m trying to help you!

BILBO: Fine, take them and give them to Frodo. You will keep a watch on him for me, won’t you?

GANDALF: As often as I can.

BILBO: Great…well, I’m off!

Bilbo heads toward the door.

GANDALF: Bilbo, you’re still carrying the bag.

BILBO: Oh, so I am.

Bilbo sets them down on coffee table.

BILBO: Well, that’s the end of that. So long, Gandalf!

Bilbo leaves.

GANDALF: Good-bye old friend.

Frodo comes running up path.

FRODO: Bilbo? Bilbo? He really left, didn’t he? All this time he talked about exercise, but I never thought he’d really do it!

Picks up the chip bag from table and walks over to Gandalf.

GANDALF: (muttering) Ruffles, ruffles, riddles in the dark…Oh, hullo Frodo. Yes, Bilbo has left to lose weight. He’s left you Bag End!

Takes chip bag and puts it in cabinet.

GANDALF: I must leave also, Frodo. Do me a favor, don’t show anyone that bag of chips. Keep them secret, keep them safe. I must see the head of my order. So long!

Gandalf leaves.

Scene Three

Many months later, Frodo is coming home from a night out with the guys…

FRODO: (singing some hobbit drinking song under his breath)

GANDALF: Is it secret? Is it safe?

FRODO: (jumps in air and screams like a little girl) HOLY HOBBITS!!! You scared the heck out of me Gandalf! Are you referring to the Ruffles???

GANDALF: Shh… not so loud! Yes, please tell me you didn’t eat any!

FRODO: No, they’ve been locked in the pantry this whole time. No one even knows it’s here.

GANDALF: Let’s hope so! I have a feeling those are no ordinary chips in that Ruffles bag, Frodo. Bring them here, I must investigate.

Frodo fetches the bag from the pantry.

FRODO: Here they are, Gandalf, but I must admit I’m not sure what you’re talking about.

GANDALF: Surely you’ve heard of the Ruffle Lord?

FRODO: Yes! I used to have nightmares about being thrown into one of his deep-fryers! (shivers)

GANDALF: Well, many centuries ago, the Ruffle Lord created many magical bags of chips. He gave three to the elves, seven to the dwarves, and nine to mortal men, who above all else desire tasty crunchy snacks. He then made a special bag for himself; one that would rule all others that possessed a magical bag of Ruffles. I have reason to believe that this (shakes bag) is that one bag!

FRODO: Surely it can’t be! How will you know?

GANDALF: Come closer, Frodo. Tell me, do you see anything on the chips?

FRODO: No, I see nothing!

Gandalf relaxes.

FRODO: Wait! There are tiny specks. They appear to be Sour Cream and Onion flavorings.

GANDALF: Then it is as I had feared. This is the one bag, created ages ago in Frito-Lay.

FRODO: Surely we can just hide it in my pantry! No one will ever find it, right Gandalf?

GANDALF: Alas! No, Frodo… The Ruffle lord is arising again and grease puddles are spreading from the land of Frito-Lay, and I am afraid he might know something about this bag being found.

FRODO: What! But how?

GANDALF: The creature Gollum. A friend and I tracked him to the very gates of Frito-Lay. I’m afraid The Ruffle Lord got two words out of him…”Shire” and “Baggins”.

FRODO: Shire! Baggins!! But that would lead him here!

GANDALF: indeed, but he won’t come here himself, he would send out the nine riders, who I have heard no news of as of yet. You may still have time. But, you will need to leave the Shire, and your Gameboy.

FRODO: Leave the shire? But why???

GANDALF: I cannot take the bag! You must bring it to Rivendell. There, the Lord Elrond will decide what should be done with it.

FRODO: I can’t just up and leave! What about my things, and Bag End??

GANDALF: No, you can’t just leave, you will have to make it look like you’re simply moving to a southern end of the Shire, perhaps back to Buckland would be a believable location. But I urge you, do not dawdle! Need is at hand, my boy.

FRODO: Yes, Gandalf. I shall do just that! But I will need help!

GANDALF: Very well, take Samwise with you as your gardener. It might make the story more believable.

FRODO: Are you sure I have to leave my Gameboy behind as well? Can’t I just stock up on batteries and bring it with me???

GANDALF: NO! No Gameboys!!! And whatever you do… DO NOT let ANYONE know why you’re really leaving! Especially that Peregrin Took! He never knows when to keep his mouth shut, and we must keep secrecy at all costs!

Scene Four

Camera pans around outside where a big pavilion is being set up for a party, then settles on the front stoop of Bag End, where Frodo, Samwise, and Fatty Bolger are smoking Marlboros.

FRODO: I can’t believe this is the last party I’ll have here in Hobbiton.

SAMWISE: Do you really have to go Mr. Frodo? I mean, Buckland is so far away, and my Gaffer isn’t too pleased about me leavin’ and you selling Bag End and all. Wouldn’t be better if you just stayed?

FRODO: No Sam, we must go. Besides, I understand that Fatty, Pippin, and Merry have fixed our new home up right nice, isn’t that right Fatty?

FATTY: Yes sir, Frodo! You’ll never even know you left Bag End. Now, Pippin tried to say we oughtn’t to have picked a house so near the Old Forest, and from what I heard, I’d agree.

FRODO: Speaking of Pippin, where’d he go off to?

Everyone starts calling out for Pippin. Pretty soon he comes running up the lane, looking like he’d seen a ghost.

PIPPIN: Frodo! You’ll never believe what I just overheard at the Gaffers!!

FRODO: Slow Down, Pip! Now, what did you hear?

PIPPIN: Well, I had been about the Gaffer’s home brew again when I heard someone ringing his doorbell. I peeped around the corner of the shed, and saw the weirdest thing! There was this tall guy, dressed in a black riding cloak scooting down the lane on a moped! He was all dressed like he was from some other time or something!!!

SAM and FATTY: Yeah right!

SAM: Sounds like you had too much of my Gaffer’s brew, and it serves you right! Sneaking into our shed like that… you oughta be ashamed of yourself!

Frodo looks around in a panic.

FRODO: We must leave! IMMEDIATLEY!!

SAM: What? But why, Mr. Frodo? Surely you aren’t spooked by Pippin’s story about the Black Scooter on the Moped?

FRODO: Sam, you’d never understand! Just get our bags! Fatty, are you sure you can handle the Sackville Bagginses by yourself tomorrow?

FATTY: Lobelia? Oh sure! She’s a harmless old biddy! Go if you must!

Sam returns with the bags.

SAM: Mr. Frodo, what’s in this bag? It feels so light, and smells good. It’s kinda making me hungry!


SAM: Alright, jeesh! Bye Fatty! Come along now Pippin!

The three head off down the lane on their bicycles.

Scene Five

Then, several days later, Frodo, Sam, and Pippin are biking down a lane in some trees. Frodo seems to feel like something is watching him, he looks around, but sees no one.

FRODO: Guys, I think we should get off the road.

SAM: But the lane is so smooth. My bike isn’t a mountain bike like yours you know… we can’t all live with rich Uncles!


Sound of a Moped motor slowly becomes audible as the three hobbits make for a patch of trees just off the path.

BLACK RIDER: Here little hobbit! Here little hobbit, hobbit, hobbit! I’m not going to hurt you, I just want some food!

PIPPIN: (whispers) Oh, see, he just wants some food!

Frodo, as if in a trance, is slowly reaching for the bag that contains the Chips.

SAM: Frodo, NO!

Sam throws a rock at the Rider and hits him square in the head

RIDER: Owwie!!!! Screw this, I’m gonna go find me a pint!! Know this though, Baggins… I’ll get you my pretty, and your bag of chips too!!!

The black Rider scoots on down the lane. A short time later, the sound of an bus can be heard coming down the lane. It sounds like it needs a tune up in the worst kind of way.

PIPPIN: Gaffer’s brew indeed! I say we need to get to this Elrond person, and fast! I bet whoever this is will give us a lift.

The old bus slowly stops along side the road. One of the wheels is flat.

FRODO: I don’t think that bus is going anywhere, and besides, they are going in the opposite direction of the way we’re going! But, I think those are Elves on that bus… listen to that music they’re playing.

SAM: Micheal Bolton?

FRODO: Yes! Only nancing little elves would listen to that junk! C’mon, let’s go talk to them.

FRODO: (calling out to the bus) Hello! Looks like you guys need Maaco!

GILDOR: Helllooo, Frodo Baggins! What are three hobbits doing out here on the edge of the shire? And with so many bags?

FRODO: We’re just going on a little adventure. How do you know my name?

GILDOR: I’ve been spying on you! No, just joking!! We have seen you with your Uncle Bilbo.

FRODO: Right! (mutters to himself) Damn nancing Elf! I bet he has been spying on me!

GILDOR: I’m sorry, what was that?

FRODO: Oh, nothing! So, what’s your name?

GILDOR: Gildor. It looks like we are going to be stuck here tonight. Why don’t you lads stay and sup with us? Maybe you can then tell me the REAL reason you appear to be leaving the Shire.

PIPPIN: Food? Sounds good to me! I could use some rest anyway!

SAM: Same here!

FRODO: Oh all right. I was kind of hoping we could stay a spell with you guys anyway… we just had a peculiar encounter with a black rider on a moped and…

GILDOR: Shhhh! Don’t speak of them! If you are being followed by a Black Rider than you indeed shall stay with us all night. And you must tell why a black rider would have interest of three hobbits!

Later that night after everyone has eaten and many are asleep… including Sam and Pippin…

GILDOR: So, Frodo… I had a feeling earlier that you didn’t want to say anything about leaving or why you were leaving in front of your companions, but they are asleep now, so why don’t you tell me?

FRODO: I can’t tell you much, Gandalf warned me against such things. But I will say that I have something that must reach Lord Elrond. We are on our way Buckland. From there, I plan to leave on my own to Elrond’s.

GILDOR: That is a brave thing to do on one’s own. Take my advice, Frodo, take any that are willing to go with you. You never know what you’ll come across in the wild.

FRODO: The wild? But I plan on sticking to the road.

GILDOR: The black rider’s are on the road. You’re best chance is to cut through those woods over there. You should end up about 2 miles from the Buckleberry Ferry.

FRODO: Thank you Gildor! I shall rest now!

GILDOR: No problem. I shall send word out to my kind and any that might help you. Oh, and… I am NOT a nancing Elf!!! Those kinds are more in the Mirkwood region!

Scene Six

The hobbits awaken and look around…

FRODO: Oi! Where’d all the elves go??? And why is my butt sore???

SAM: I don’t know, but I don’t think I shall drink elvish wine again… I had the strangest dream!

PIPPIN: Really? What was it???

SAM: Well… I was just walkin’ along, mindin’ my business when this elvish girl came along and started to seduce me.

FRODO: (Still rubbing his butt) How can you be so sure is was a female elf Sam? They all look the same to me.

SAM: (Glares at Frodo) Anyways… The elf LADY and I are getting at it if you know what I mean when I suddenly notice… she’s got huge, hairy feet!!!


FRODO: You know… I had some of that wine and I had a funny dream too!!!


FRODO: Yeah! I was walking through the shire when all the sudden… a fat hairy bear attacked me from the behind!!!

SAM AND PIPPIN: Dang man! That’s messed up!!!

PIPPIN: Wait… I drank that wine, but I didn’t have any dreams at all!!!

SAM AND FRODO: (beginning to feel uneasy) Huh… that’s strange.

FRODO: Hey look guys!! We can take a short cut through those brambles and we should end up right by the Buckleberry Ferry.

SAM: Are you sure? Don’t those lead more towards Farmer Mag-

FRODO: We’re going that way, Sam. Now let’s go!!!

The Hobbits start going through the brambles that send them more and more towards Farmer Maggot’s farm than Buckleberry Ferry until they reach the clearing of the brambles.

SAM: Told you so! (sticks out his tongue)

FRODO: Oh, that’s it!! TICKLE FIGHT!!!!

Sam and Frodo tickle each other while Pippin looks on in disgust.

PIPPIN: You guys are so childish! C’mon, let’s go steal some mushrooms from Ol’ Maggot!!

ALL: Yeah!!!

The three hobbits go skipping towards the Farmer’s field when his dogs suddenly appear.

FRODO: AAAaahhhhhhh!!!! It’s Farmer Maggot’s horrible dogs!!!

Frodo runs in a circle screaming like a little girl…

SAM AND PIPPIN: It’s just a Chihuahua!!!

FRODO: But… it talks!!!

CHIHAUHAU: Yo quiero cerveza!

HOBBITS: AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

The hobbits run away from the alcoholic Chihuahua and run smack into Mr. Maggot.

MAGGOT: Hello there boys!! What’s wrong???

HOBBITS: The Chihuahua!!! It talked!!!

MAGGOT: What?!?! That’s nonsense!!! Paco! Here Paco!!!

Chihuahua comes running up.

MAGGOT: Umm… Speak boy! Speak!!!


MAGGOT: You see! It doesn’t speak English!!! Silly boys!!

SAM: It weren’t speakin’ no English Mr. Maggot, Sir… it was speakin’ Spanish.

MAGGOT: Oh, In that case… don’t worry about it! Hey, aren’t you that Frodo Baggins???

FRODO: Maybe… what of it?

MAGGOT: Well, I just had some black guy on a moped ask me where you were! I told him you lived up in Hobbiton… but he just hissed and took off.

FRODO: Oh no! They know we’re here!!! Quickly, we must get to the Buckleberry ferry!!!

MAGGOT: Awww!!! I was hoping you guys would stay for dinner!!!


SAM: Oh please let us join ’em Mr. Frodo!!!

FRODO: Oh alright… but only if we can get some shrooms!!

MAGGOT: Sure! picked plenty just today!!

FRODO: No… not those kind…

MAGGOT: Oh, right… well, come along lads!! After supper, I’ll drive ya to the Ferry!!


Scene Seven

The hobbits dine with Farmer Maggot and he then drives them to the Ferry.

FRODO: Thank you so much Farmer Maggot! Where did you get those mushrooms at anyway?

MAGGOT: They came with the dog… but you don’t know anything about ’em…(winks twice)

FRODO: Right! (winks back)

At the ferry, the three hobbits suddenly run into Merry, who’s been waiting for them.

MERRY: Oi! What took you guys so long?

PIPPIN: Merry, you won’t believe the journey we’ve had – there’s these guys on mopeds and then we met some elves… and a talking dog, Merry! A talking Dog!

Merry rolls his eyes and leads them by their ears onto the ferry.

MERRY: (muttering) Why don’t I get to have any fun! WHA- Hey… what’s that Black thingy on the dock?

PIPPIN: One of those moped guys!! I told you so!!!

MERRY: Dang! That’s messed up!

SAM: So, you believe us now?

MERRY: Yeah, I believe you about the Moped guys… and you probably did have supper with elves… you’ve been a bit nanc-ish, but I don’t believe in talking dogs!

Ferry reaches the other shore.

PIPPIN: Look guys, it’s Buckland!

MERRY: Frodo, you’re house is that one all the way down there next to the forest.

FRODO: All the way down there? You couldn’t find one any closer?

MERRY: You said you wanted one next to the forest!

FRODO: Oh right, I did… Well, on we go lads!

The hobbits continue on to the house where Fatty Bolger sits waiting for them at the dinner table.

FATTY: Helloooo! We expected you some time ago… where have you been?

MERRY: Don’t ask. It’s a long story…

FATTY: Well… supper’s almost done and I’ve drawn some baths for you in there.

PIPPIN: Can I have a bubble bath?

MERRY: No! (mutters to himself) Stupid nancing elves! Corrupting my friend with their nanciness! Well go on you three! The sooner you wash, the sooner you eat!

Pippin, Sam, and Frodo take baths. When no one’s looking, Pippin sneaks in some bubbles and makes a huge mess in the bathroom. Over supper, Frodo, Sam, and Pippin relate their entire journey to Fatty and Merry.

FATTY AND MERRY: Dang! That’s messed up!

MERRY: So, what are you going to do now, Frodo?

FRODO: Well, I’m going to go away… I’m sorry guys, I didn’t know how to tell you!

MERRY, FATTY, AND PIPPIN: You’re going away?

FRODO: Yes, I must take something to Rivendell. Sam’s coming with me…but you guys are free to stay here.

PIPPIN: What? If Sam’s going, then I’m going!

MERRY: If Sam and Pippin’s going, then I have to go too.


MERRY: Because, the book says so.

FRODO: What book?

MERRY: You know… the book! THE BOOK!

FRODO: Oh, right… THAT book! Well, oh okay, you guys can come too then. What about you Fatty?

FATTY: Umm… I’d rather stay here and wear you’re clothes and pretend that I’m you…

Everyone looks at Fatty strangely.

FATTY: In case the Black Moped guys come back! Jeesh!

FRODO, MERRY, SAM, AND PIPPIN: Oh… okay, that makes sense.

Morning comes, and the hobbits – minus Fatty – start towards the Old Forest. However, back at the house…

FATTY: Yay! He’s gone! (Starts putting on Frodo’s clothes) I feel pretty… oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and BRIIIGGGHHHTTT…


Installment II.

Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry are wandering aimlessly inside the Old Forest…

FRODO: Umm… doesn’t that tree look familiar?

SAM: Yeah, I saw that one while ago! I think we’re lost!

PIPPIN: Lost? In the Old Forest?

Pippin starts whimpering

MERRY: Wait guys… I think I see a path opening up over there!

The hobbits wander down the path that mysteriously just appeared.

PIPPIN: Do you guys here someone whispering?

MERRY: It’s probably just a stream or something Pip.

PIPPIN: No it’s not… someone’s whispering!

SAM: What are they whispering, Pip?

PIPPIN: “Come here little hobbits…. I’m gonna eat you!” only it’s in this dry, creaky voice.

FRODO: Oh honestly Pippin! You need to quit listening in when the elders are telling the wee ones campfire tales.

The hobbits suddenly come upon a river bank that is occupied by a huge willow tree

MERRY: See Pip, it was just a river, as I said!

SAM: Does anyone else feel really sleepy all of a sudden?

All the hobbits yawn

FRODO: You know, I think we could stop and take a wee nap. It’d probably do us some good anyway.

MERRY: Good idea, Frodo!

PIPPIN: I don’t want to take a nap… not here at least.

MERRY: Now Pip… what’s wrong?

PIPPIN: I think that tree was the one doing the whispering, not this river. I’m not sleeping!

MERRY: Pip, you’re gonna come right over here under this tree and take a nap right now! This is plain nonsense through and through!


Merry drags Pippin under the tree and makes him lie down and sleep. He then lies down and sleeps himself

SAM: I’m gonna tend after the bicycles… you go ahead and get some rest Mr. Frodo.

FRODO: I’m just gonna dangle my feet in this river while sitting on this tree root. I don’t intend to nap, Sam.

Frodo soon falls asleep. Suddenly, all at once, Frodo falls into the river, and the huge willow tree opens up and swallows Merry and Pippin. Hearing the commotion, Sam comes running.

SAM: Well, who could have predicted that one! What am I supposed to do now?

FRODO: (between gargles) The Book, Sam! Look in the Book.

SAM: The book? Oh yeah, The BOOK!!!

Sam pulls a worn book out of his knapsack and glances at it fervently

SAM: Mr. Frodo!! (drops to his belly at the edge of the riverbank) Grab my hand Mr. Frodo!

Frodo grabs his hand and gets pulled up

FRODO: What now Sam?

SAM: (still reading “the book”) Umm… I think we’re supposed to go beat up that tree until it spits Merry and Pippin out.

FRODO: Are you sure? That sounds kinda stupid.

SAM: Yeah, but that’s what “The Book” says to do. Oh, and then this weird guy comes and sings a song to it and it spits them out.

FRODO: Wait… so beating the tree up doesn’t do anything?

SAM: Nope, even setting on fire does no good.

FRODO: So, why don’t we just jump ahead and start crying for help so that weird guy comes and sings his song.

SAM: Good idea Mr. Frodo!

Both hobbits start crying for help

BOTH: “Oh please help! Our friends are stuck inside a tree! If only some weird guy would come along and sing a song to free them”

A strange man in yellow boots comes along

FRODO: Hullo, would you be a weird guy that can sing a song to this tree to free our friends?

MAN: No… I’m just you’re average weird guy that wanders around aimlessly muttering strange things under my breath.

FRODO: Oh, sorry.

The man walks away muttering under his breath. Another man comes along wearing yellow boots

FRODO: Would YOU be a weird man who can sing a song to this tree to free our friends?

MAN: I don’t know about weird, but I do know a lot of songs! Name’s Tom. Tom Bombadil.

SAM: Nice to meet you Mr. Bombadil, do you think you can help us here?

TOM: Sure can little guy! Check this out!!!

He starts singing a random Michael Bolton song…

TREE: Aaack! Not Michael Bolton! Only nancing elves listen to Michael Bolton! Here, take them!

The tree spits out Merry and Pippin

PIPPIN: (singing) When a man looovvveess a wo- What?!?

MERRY: (muttering) Damn those nancing elves!

FRODO: Thank you, Mr. Bombadil!

TOM: No problemo little guys. Now follow me to my house so you can stay there and do absolutely nothing for a couple of weeks and get behind on your journey.

FRODO: Umm… do we have to?

SAM: Yup, the book says so.

FRODO: Damn that book! Okay Mr. Bombadil.

TOM: Right on! Okay lads, I have to sing this nonsensical song now, I’m sorry.

Starts singing

TOM: Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo
By pub, House and well, by the hungry willow.
Oh such a merry soul, a merry soul am I
Merry Dol, Terry Dol: dressed weird am I!

FRODO: (whispering to the others) Why does this guy remind me of Prince on crack?

TOM: He’s my cousin, twice removed on my mother’s side actually! We’re almost there my Hearties!


Installment III

After weeks of doing absolutely nothing of consequence at Tom Bombadil’s, the young hobbits set off once more for Bree.

FRODO: Okay, so if we just keep going this direction we should reach the road just before Bree by night.

SAM: Are you sure?

FRODO: Yeah, that’s what Tom said.

MERRY: Yeah, he did.

SAM: Alright, but I don’t quite trust that Tom fellow… or that Goldberry. Something wasn’t quite right about them.

PIPPIN: Yeah, they seemed a bit nance-ish if you ask me.

MERRY: Oh now that’s the pot calling the kettle black.

PIPPIN: The What? Oh never mind. Let’s go!

The four hobbits head off towards Bree on their bikes. About mid-day they find themselves on top of a huge hill overlooking the surrounding area

FRODO: Well, this looks like a good place for lunch as any. What do you guys think?

Sam, Merry, and Pippin have already gotten the food out and are preparing peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

SAM: Here you go, Mr. Frodo… extra peanut butter just the way you like ’em.

FRODO: Oh, thanks Sam. How did you know I liked them with extra peanut butter?

SAM: Oh… umm… You told me?

FRODO: Well, it’s awesome, now if only I had my Gameboy. This is perfect Gameboy playing weather. Or… napping weather.

MERRY: ~yawning~ I know what you mean. That sun is awfully bright and… nap inducing.

SAM: Say, isn’t that the road over there?

FRODO: ~yawning~ Yeah I think so.

PIPPIN: What are those black rocks over there? They look creepy.

FRODO: Those are the Barrow-Downs.

PIPPIN and SAM: The Barrow-downs!!!

SAM: My gaffer used to tell me horrible stories about the barrow wights that lives in them downs. Are we really that close?

FRODO: Don’t worry guys, we’re not going that way. The road is right there plain to see. I told you we’d reach it by night. Now, I’m going to take a little nap, then we’ll be on our way again.

Five hours later

FRODO: HOLY HOBBITS!!! How long have we been asleep? It’s getting dark… and foggy.

SAM: OH NO! Why did we have to nap?

MERRY: No worries, we still know which way to go to hit the road, and we have flashlights.

PIPPIN: I’m scared.

Pippin starts sucking on his thumb

MERRY: Pippin, stop that! You’re a grown hobbit!

The four head off towards the road

SAM: Umm… doesn’t that boulder look familiar guys?

FRODO: Oh no! We’re going in circles in the fog!

PIPPIN: Wasn’t that the boulder by one of the downs?

Suddenly the flashlights cut out

FRODO: Crap! Can you guys still hear me?

SAM, MERRY, and PIPPIN: Yes Frodo.

FRODO: Okay, follow my voice then. I’m going to turn around and go forward. You guys do the same.

Muffled answers from all of them

FRODO: Guys?

No answer. A figure can be seen moving around in the fog.

FRODO: Merry? Sam? Pip???

FIGURE: Naw bi-atch! I’mma wight… now get off dat bike.

FRODO: DAMN!!! ~faints~

When Frodo comes to he finds himself tied up to a chair and gagged. Merry, Sam, and Pippin are tied up similarly not far away. They’re dressed up like gangsters.

FRODO: ~muffled through gag~ Wha– Oh man. I can’t believe we wandered into wight territory.

WIGHT: Damn straight you wandered into our territory. Fo’! Now we can’t let you leave. You could be a spy or sum’in.

Wight leaves the room. Frodo manages to push the gag out of his mouth with his tongue

FRODO: ~whispering~ Merry, Sam, Pip, you guys okay?

No answer

FRODO: Well this officially sucks.

FRODO: ~starts humming that nonsensical song Tom Bombadil sang while they walked to his house~ That’s actually quite catchy! ~continues humming~

TOM: Did you call for me?

FRODO: Wha- no… not really, I was just humming that silly song you were singing when we first met.

TOM: Oh, well if that’s all.~starts to leave~

FRODO: Wait! Hey, do you think you could help us out here? I’m a bit tied up and they’re still unconscious. I’m not sure when that wight will be back either.

TOM: Ah… wandered into wight territory did you? Never tangle with the wights… they’re dangerous.

Tom unties Frodo and starts untying the others

FRODO: So, the stories about them are true?

TOM: No, but if you stay around them to much… you start talking improperly like them. ~shudders~

FRODO: NO! Tha’s horrible!!

TOM: What did you say?

FRODO: I just said that’s Ho’ble.

TOM: Oh crap! It’s happening… I have to get you hobbits out of here, fast!!!

With Frodo’s help, Tom gets all the hobbits outside. The others start to come to as Tom comes back out with an armful of guns and knives.

FRODO: What are you doing?

TOM: Here, I want you guys to take one of these each.

The hobbits all select really cool looking knives…

TOM: Alright my hearties… let’s hit the road.

MERRY: How long were we in therre?

SAM: Why did you say “there” like that?

TOM: I’m afraid it’s a side-effect. You may be “ghetto-tized” for awhile. It’ll pass. You guys were in THERE for the entire night. Frodo and I got you out just in time. Though, I’m afraid I should have taken Pippin out first.

PIPPIN: Whacho talkin’ ’bout? Why ya’ll lookin’ at me like dat? Bunch of wack Fo’s.

MERRY: I see what you mean. Let’s get out of here.

TOM: I’m going to accompany you guys to the road, just to make sure nothing else happens. Your bikes and packs are over there.

SAM: Thank God! I can’t wait to get out of these ridiculous clothes.

PIPPIN: ~looking in a mirror~ OH Yeah, playa! Who’s the flyest? THIS GUY!!! Look at mah threads! Imm’a fly guy!!! All da honeys be hookin’ up wit dis!

FRODO: How long is this gonna last?

TOM: A day or two.

MERRY: Can we knock him out again? PLEASE!!!

TOM: If we knock him out now, it could just worsen the condition.

MERRY,FRODO,and SAM: Dammit!!!

TOM: Hop along my hearties!

The five of them head towards the road. Pippin continues to believe he’s from the ghetto…

To be continued…

Installment IV

The group are standing in the road just above the town of Bree

SAM: Thank you Mr. Bombadil for leading us out of those downs.

TOM: It was no problem my hearties. That town down there is Bree. I hope you boys find however it was you’re looking for, but I think you may find someone you didn’t know you were looking for. Frodo, if I were you, I wouldn’t give Baggins as your last name, people in these parts have heard about your uncles birthday party and quite untrusting of that name.

FRODO: Thank you Mr. Bomba- ~Turns toward Tom Bombadil, only to find he’s vanished in a puff of purple smoke~ -dil… Where’d he go?

MERRY: I knew there was something strange about that fellow. I mean, how much more nanc-ish can a guy get?

Pippin starts making smoochy faces at himself in a rain puddle

MERRY: Never mind… (mutters damn nancy elves)

FRODO: It could be worse, he could still think he’s from the ghetto…

PIPPIN: What?!? I know I ain’t too ghetto! I mean, wait… what?!?

FRODO: Come on guys, let’s go to that inn Tom told me to stop at.

The four hobbits make their way into town. The townspeople glare at the hobbits.

FRODO: Ah, here it is, the Prancing Pony.

PIPPIN: OOh! Ponies!!! ~claps hands~

MERRY: ~slaps pippin in the back of the head~ It’s the name of the inn, you idiot.

The group goes inside. The inn is rather crowded.

FRODO: Well, Bree must be a really happening town.

INNKEEPER’S HELPER: ~out of breath from running about~ Not usually, but today we had a wedding in town, so naturally it’s a bit crowded in here. My name’s Nob, I’m sure the owner Mr. Butterbur will be along to help you soon enough.

PIPPIN: ~snickering~ Nob!!! Muah-ha-ha-ha!!!

NOB: ~Glares at Pippin~ The wedding was between a hobbit such as ourselves and a human, so not all the townsfolk approved naturally. If I were you guys, I’d stick close tonight.

FRODO: Thank you, Hrmm… Nob.

Nob walks off glaring at the four hobbits

SAM: Talk about embarrassing names!!! Oh, man…

Butterbur hustles into the room.

BUTTERBUR: Hello young masters! Names Butterbur, Barliman Butterbur. Are you fellows looking for a room for the night? We’ve some rooms on the north end specially for hobbits. On the ground floor like you types prefer.

FRODO: That would be fine, Mr. Butterbur.

BUTTERBUR: Alright then, Mr. …

FRODO: UNDERHILL! Mr. Underhill, and this is Mr. Took, Mr. Brandybuck, and my servant Sam Gamgee.

BUTTERBUR: Underhill, Underhill… Now what does that remind me of… Oh well, it’ll come back to me some time. You’ll be in room N12. I’ll have Nob chain up your bikes.

SAM: How did you know we came on bikes?

Butterbur nods towards Pippin, who still hasn’t taken off his bike helmet

MERRY: Pip! I swear, if we weren’t related…

BUTTERBUR: The common rooms in there if you venture to have a pint. You may want to stick together in there though, on account of the wedding.

FRODO: Yes, Nob already told us about that.

BUTTERBUR: Unfortunate business… grown men marrying up with hobbits.

MERRY: ~muttering~ Pervy hobbit fanciers.

BUTTERBUR: Well, here’s your key. You fellows go ahead and get yourselves settled in. If you need anything, just call room service.

PIPPIN: OOH!!! Room service… do you guys have those fancy heated towels and massages and what n- ~Merry yanks pippin away from the front desk~

MERRY: Curse those nancing elves!!!

After settling into their rooms, Frodo, Sam, and Pip decide to brave the common room. Merry goes on a walk, mainly to be free of Pippin

PIPPIN: Man, thish ish good brew! ~hiccups~

SAM: I think you’ve had quite enough, Pip.

FRODO: Do you guys hear that?

SAM: Hear what? All I hear are the townsfolk talking about the hobbit fancier.

FRODO: I…I don’t know. I would have sworn I heard someone whispering my name.

GUY IN CORNER:~Whispering~ Frooooddoooo…

SAM: It’s that guy in the corner over there Mr. Frodo! Apparently the groom isn’t the only hobbit fancier in Bree. Don’t you worry Mr. Frodo, if he tries anything, I’ll kill ’em!

FRODO: Now, Sam… I don’t think it’s that serious. I’m not even sure that was the voice I was hearing.

Sam glares at the man in the corner. Pippin goes to the bar and orders another pint.

FRODO: I’m going to use the little hobbits room, Sam. I’ll be right back.

On the way to the bathroom, the man in the corner stops Frodo

MAN IN CORNER: Mr. Underhill, was it?

FRODO: ~nervously~ Yes.

MAN IN CORNER: If I were you master Underhill… I’d get that hobbit switched to decaf, fast!

FRODO: ~turning towards Pip~ Oh, Pippin. He’s harmless when he’s drunk. Don’t worry yourself about us Mr. …

MAN IN CORNER: Strider. Just Strider. But I think your friend Pippin may more trouble than you think.

Frodo turns back to Pippin

PIPPIN: Sho then he popsh thish chip in hish mouth and POOF! He dishappeared!!! I tell ya, that Bilbo wash alwaysh a little ~hiccup~ shtrange.

FRODO: Oh no! Umm…. ~hops up on a table and starts doing the Charleston. The crowd claps in response. Suddenly, Frodo loses his balance and falls off the table. The bag of chips comes flying out of his coat. A lone chip comes tumbling out of the bag.

RANDOM COMMONER #5: Mmm… a potato chip. ~bends down to pick it up~

FRODO:~wild-eyed~ NNNOOOoooo!!! ~kicks commoner in the shin and eats potato chip. Frodo disappears. The crowd is in a hushed state of silence.

PIPPIN: Thash it Frodo, Thash excactly how Ol’ Bilbo did it! ~falls off the barstool~

Frodo crawls back to corner where Strider was while the common room goes into an uproar trying to find him, led by Sam.

FRODO: Pa-too! ~spits out chip~ Those things taste awful!!

STRIDER: You’ve done it now Mr. BAGGINS!!!

Frodo crawls towards the middle of the room, then stands up.

FRODO: Here I am! I was under that table the entire time!

CROWD: Ho! It’s Frodo Copperfield!! Let’s see it again!!!

COMMONER #2: I knew he was there all along, I did. I just didn’t want to spoil the youngsters fun.

FRODO: ~stage yawning~ I’m awfully tired. Mayhaps I can show you again, some other time. Now I shall go to my room. Sam, Pip, you guys coming?

The three hobbits go back to their room, only to find Strider beat them there

STRIDER: As I was saying Mr. Baggins…

SAM: ~grabs nearest blunt object~ Get back you pervy hobbit fancier!

FRODO: No, no, no… he’s alright Sam. Strider, How did you know my real name?

STRIDER: Well, I was coming in from one of my many excursions when I saw four hobbits on the road to Bree along with a strange looking fellow, who told one of them, you, to not use the name Baggins. Seemed interesting to me…

FRODO: I don’t see why my name would be of any interest to you. Exactly who are you anyway?

PIPPIN: Yeah! ~hiccups and falls over~

SAM: Umm… I’ll put Pip to bed ~throws angry glance at Strider who in turn throws his hands up ~

STRIDER: I am a ranger. I live out in the wilderness, and I’ve seen many things. Though, I seldom meet hobbits in need of changing their names. Furthermore, I believe I can help you. Gandalf told me to be on the lookout for a young hobbit of your description.

SAM: ~struggling to take off Pip’s shoes~ You,ergg, you know Mr. Gandalf? Prove it! ~to Pip~ would you stop squirming!

STRIDER: I’m afraid I don’t have any proof for you, Sam, you’ll just have to take my word.

Butterbur comes to their door. Strider hides in the corner

BUTTERBUR: Pardon me young sirs, but I finally remembered why that name sounded so familiar. Gandalf told me to be on the look-out for a young hobbit of Mr. Underhill’s description and said he may be traveling with a name such as Underhill. ~digs in his apron and pulls out an envelope~ He left this for you, Frodo.

FRODO: ~takes envelope and begins reading~ Thank you Mr. Butterbur.

Butterbur exits. Frodo hands letter to Sam.

FRODO: That letter from Gandalf said we’d meet a ranger named Strider. It also said we should let you help us any way you could.

STRIDER: So, you trust me now? ~looks at Sam, who’s still reading the letter.

SAM: Almost… There’s a poem here. Gandalf says it pertains to you. ~reads a line of the poem~ All that glitters is not gold. If you are an friend, what’s the next line?

STRIDER: Oh honestly! ~gets stern look from Sam~ Oh alright! Not all those who wonder are lost! Satisfied??? ~Sam shrugs in approval~ Good, now listen up. I know of the black moped-ers, and I knew of the chips. I can help you, but I’m afraid that little snack attack of yours works against us, Frodo. You can’t stay here tonight. Find your friend and move all your stuff into my room.


FRODO: I’d almost forgot about him! Sam, you ready the backpacks, I’ll go find Merry.

SAM: What about Pippin? I just got him to sleep, and I doubt he’ll be getting up now.

STRIDER: I’ll take him over to the room right now. You guys hurry!

Sam gathers their stuff while Frodo goes outside

FRODO: Merry! Merry! Time to turn in now Mer!

Merry comes stumbling towards the Prancing Pony from the road

MERRY: Frodo! Thank God you’re alright! You won’t believe what I just saw!!! It was one of them Moped riders!!!

FRODO: A Black rider! Hurry, Merry, get inside!

Frodo and Merry run into Sam in the entryway and hurry along to Striders room.

MERRY: What is going on? Who is this guy?

STRIDER: I’m Strider, and I’m saving your sweet little arses.

SAM: I knew it! You are a pervy hobbit fancier!!! ~grabs a frying pan from his pack~

STRIDER: Now now, Sam, I didn’t mean it like that…hrmm…no, definitely didn’t mean it like that. Merry, those black riders are after Frodo. I’m going to protect you from them. Tomorrow, we shall set out for Rivendell.

SAM: Rivendell, that’s where the elves live!

MERRY: Oh NO! I’m not going anywhere near those nancying elves!

STRIDER: Rivendell does not house nanc-ish elves, I believe you’re thinking of Mirkwood. Try and get some sleep young hobbits. It will be a long day tomorrow.


Installment V.

Back in Buckland with Fatty Bolger

FATTY: ~Still in Frodo’s clothes~ “What’s that Mr. Toad? Of course you may have another spot of tea.”

Pours tea into a child’s tea cup sitting in front of a toy frog. A strange sniffing sound can be heard outside the window

FATTY: What’s that? ~Looks out window~ Holy Hobbits!!! It’s one of those Black Mopeders!!!

Fatty runs out back door and stumbles along to the neighbor’s house

FATTY: You gotta help me! The Black Mopeders… they’re here!!! Please!!!

NEIGHBOR: What?!? Are you drunk or something? Black Mopeders… who are they?

FATTY: Just help me, I can’t explain.

NEIGHBOR: Alright, young lad, I’ll help you as long as you take that veil off your head, it might frighten the missus.

FATTY: ~Blushes~ Right, sorry Sir. You must sound the Horn of Buckland, the Black Mopeders are here!!!

~The neighbor runs along to the hall of Brandybuck and the horn is sounded. The Black Mopeders are scared out of Buckland.

The next morning in Bree

Frodo awakes from a troubled sleep

FRODO: What time is it? Did anything happen last night?

STRIDER: It is just a little after sunrise, and yes, something did happen last night. The Black Mopeders came, but then left. I think the quicker we leave, the better. Rouse your friends, I’m going to go talk to Butterbur.

FRODO: Okay, I hope he’s not upset with all the trouble we’ve caused.

STRIDER: I’m sure he’s not. Get your friends ready to leave. Eat a quick breakfast. Then we shall make for Rivendell.

Frodo wakes up the others and they eat a quick breakfast… by hobbit standards.

The four hobbits stand outside the Prancing Pony waiting for Strider to return from some errand he had to run before they left

MERRY: Do we really have to go to Rivendell? I mean, Elves! Why Elves???

SAM: Because, The Book says we go there!

MERRY: Blast that book! Oh look, here comes Strider… with a pony!

PIPPIN: Yay! ~claps hands excitedly~ Hello Pony!

STRIDER: This bag of bones is no llama, but it’ll have to do. As far as we’ll be traveling, it’ll do good to bring along a Wheelbarrow to hold the food and what not, only those Mopeders stole all the wheelbarrow wheels for some reason, so this poor pony will have to do. I think the owner said his name was Bill.

PIPPIN: Bill? I don’t like that name. I want to call him “Captain Swishy”. Can I call him Captain Swishy? Can I Merry?

MERRY: ~rubs head like he has a headache~ Whatever Pip, just don’t talk to me for awhile… I don’t think my brain can take it.

SAM: Well, here we all are Mr. Strider… ready to go, and we best get going.

STRIDER: Right you are, Sam. Gentleman, we make for the woods.

FRODO: Why the woods? I don’t like the woods.

PIPPIN: As long as I don’t get eaten by a tree again, I’m okay. Right Capt. Swishy?

Bill just snorts

SAM: Says here in The Book nothing bad happens in the wilderness, at least… not to you Pip.

PIP: Yay!

STRIDER: Come on guys, let’s get going!

The group makes their way through the wilderness. After coming out the woods, the troupe sludge through the Midgewater Marshes and come to a flat expanse of land… not far from Weathertop.

SAM: What are those rocks over there? That’s not another Barrow is it?

Merry instinctively shoves pippin behind him

MERRY: If there are barrow wights around here you better keep us away from them, I didn’t think Pip would EVER stop talking in Ebonics!

STIDER: Relax, that’s Weathertop. There are no wights there, but I can’t be certain on what is there.

FRODO: What’s that supposed to mean?

STRIDER: Weathertop is close to the road, someone could be up there already, but if they’re not, no one will be able to get up there without us knowing.

MERRY: People up there… or Mopeders?

STRIDER: I don’t know, Merry. We’ll just have to find out.

The troupe make their way towards Weathertop

PIPPIN: Do you guys smell Spray paint?

SAM: What?

PIPPIN: I smell spray paint! It reminds me of the time I was painting “Tooks Rule” on the side of Tuckborough, then I accidentally inhaled too much paint fumes and this squirrel started talking to me, but not like Farmer Maggot’s dog talked to us… this was different.

FRODO: ~shivers~ Please don’t mention that creepy talking dog again, Pip. Why don’t you go talk to Captain Swishy? I bet he’s getting lonely back there…

MERRY: ~slugs Frodo in arm~ Why do you have to encourage him?

STRIDER: Shh… we’re here. Merry, you come up with me to check it out. You guys stay here and baby-sit, I mean watch Pip.

FRODO AND SAM: Awww… Merry gets all the fun.

Pip busies himself with trying to “talk horse” with Bill/Captain Swishy.

Strider and Merry make their way to the top of Weathertop. They find no one.

MERRY: Strider, what is this on the walls? “G-dalf wuz herre” Do you think that was Gandalf?

STRIDER: Probably. Look, over there’s 5 cans of green spray paint… I’d say he was here, which means he’s also on his way to Rivendell.

MERRY: This is bad.

STRIDER: How so?

MERRY: Well, look at what he sprayed on here… he’s obviously been overtaken by wights.

STRIDER: One would think so, but I swear it is not. You see, Gandalf, though a brilliant wizard, is slowly becoming a bit senile. He must have forgot he was Gandalf and started thinking he was a wight… it’s happened before. Let’s not tell the others, I don’t think they could believe it.

MERRY: Right, good idea. So, are we gonna stay here tonight?

STRIDER: Yes, and may no trouble find us tonight.

Later that night…

STRIDER: Well, I’m gonna go look around.

FRODO: Umm, shouldn’t you stick around in case the Mopeders come?

SAM: Yeah! You don’t leave us alone at Weathertop. It’s all in the book.

STRIDER: Yeah, but I do in the movie, and I’d like to follow the movie’s example for once… I’m tired of going by the book.

FRODO: What?!? But that doesn’t make any sense! Umm, what exactly happens on Weathertop again?

Frodo reads for a few moments

FRODO: Oh man! You can’t go, something bad happens to me!

STIDER: Yeah, it happens in the movie’s version too, so it doesn’t really matter if I’m here or not. You’re pretty much screwed.

FRODO: Aw, man! This sucks…

MERRY: But if it doesn’t happen, so will the story.

FRODO: Very well, see you in the morning Strider. At least, I hope I will.

STRIDER: You probably won’t, you’ll be in a lot of pain. Check ya later guys! ~ Strides off into the darkness.~

SAM: Well, let’s get this fire built up. Pip, why don’t you help me gather some more wood.

PIP: Only if Capt. Swishy can help.

SAM: ~rolls eyes~ Merry, maybe you better help me. Pip, you just stay here with Frodo, okay?

PIP: ~Neighs~ That means “okay” in Horse talk! Did you know that? I bet he didn’t, did he Captain Swishy?

SAM: Right…

Sam and Merry walk off to get more wood. Only to come hurrying back a few minutes later

MERRY: ~out of breath~ We… We heard mopeds!

The group clusters around the fire

FRODO: Maybe, I won’t get hurt! Maybe they’ll just taunt us or something…

PIP: Nope, you’re done for, isn’t he Capt.?

MERRY: ~Slaps Pip upside the head~ Shut up, Pip! Can’t you see he’s scared?

SAM: Don’t you worry Mr. Frodo, if they try anything, I’ll kill ’em.

FRODO: NO, you won’t. You can’t. It’s not in the Book.

SAM: I know, I was just trying to comfort you.

The group here’s the distinct sound of mopeds inclosing around them. Pretty soon they can see shapes moving in the darkness around them.

BLACK MOPEDER #3: Isn’t it time for you lads to go to bed? You must be awfully tired… why don’t you just put that little fire out and sleep? Doesn’t that sound nice?

PIPPIN: Well, now that you ment–~Merry claps his hand over Pip’s mouth~

MERRY: Uh, no… we’re actually not tired at all. We just had a few cups of coffee, I doubt we’ll sleep at all tonight.

BLACK MOPEDER #1: Coffee? You got anymore?

SAM: Umm… yeah?


BLACK MOPEDER #1: We tried to get a nice Mocha-cino in Starbuckland earlier, but they chased us out of there. Something about being servants of Sauron… I don’t know. You don’t mind if we help ourselves do you?

BLACK MOPEDER #4: Yeah, chasing you guys down is tiring work… we need some caffeine in a bad way, man!

FRODO: Umm…sure? Help yourselves? ~Looks at the other hobbits~

FRODO: ~whispers to Sam~ Is this really happening?

SAM: ~whispering back~ I think so, maybe they won’t stab you after all!

FRODO: You guys want any cream or sugar?

BLACK MOPEDERS: OH, yes please!

A couple of hours later

BLACK MOPEDER #5: So, then Sauron is all like “Whoah, this is some good stuff” and he started getting the munchies really bad, and THAT’S the real reason he started making the chips.

PIPPIN: Wow! I never heard that version before.

BLACK MOPEDER #3: And probably never will again. He likes people to believe the whole “I’m an evil lord who wants to rule Middle-Earth” version… being evil and all.

BLACK MOPEDER #1: Speaking of evil, the sun’s about to rise. Hadn’t we better get this over with.

BLACK MOPEDER #2: Quite right, thank you for the coffee lads. Frodo, if you’d just stand there, we’ll just stab you and get going.

FRODO: What? But, we gave you coffee… You told us stories! I thought we had sort of reached a truce or something?

BLACK MOPEDERS: ~look around at each other for a couple of seconds then…~ BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

BLACK MOPEDER #1: That’s sweet, Frodo, it really is, but… we’re evil! Besides, it says in the book we have to stab you with this poisoned blade, then follow you in the hopes you turn into a wight.

FRODO: Curse that book. Alright, let’s get this over with.

BLACK MOPEDER #4: Right, where do you want it?

FRODO: Umm… how about somewhere away from my heart, like, my shoulder? Yeah, in my shoulder!

The black mopeder stabs Frodo in the shoulder

FRODO: O Elbereth! Glithoniel! Err… I mean, OWWWWWW!!!!

BLACK MOPEDERS: Sorry Frodo, them’s the grapes. See you later guys.

Mopeders leave. Stider returns

STRIDER: Hurry lads, we must make haste to Rivendell!

SAM: Alright, let’s get going, will Frodo be alright?

STRIDER: I hope so, Sam. Of course, since he’s sorta the main character, he has to make at least to the ending… otherwise the story would suck.

SAM: Right, good thinking.

PIPPIN: Captain Swishy says “You guys smell like toupees”.

MERRY: Are you sure that’s what Bill said?

PIPPIN: His name is Captain SWISHY!!!

MERRY:~sighs~ Let’s just go. ~rubs his head like he has a headache~


Installment VI

~The group make their way from Weathertop to Rivendell. Frodo is riding on the back of Bill/Capt. Swishy.~

ARAGORN: We must travel the road until we reach the Last Bridge, then we take to the wilderness.

SAM: Are you sure that’s a good idea? Those wraiths might still be out there.

ARAGORN: They are, but they are only waiting… I don’t think we have to fear another attack from them. How’s Frodo doing?

SAM: He looks bad, and he’s getting worse. He keeps making weird screechy noises and gurgling.

ARAGORN: He’s turning into a wraith. Those are some of the side effects.

SAM: Is delerium one of those side effects too? ‘Cuz he keeps talking to someone, but no one’s there… at least, no one in the conversation he’s having.

FRODO: *To unknown person* What do you mean is it real meat? Of course Spam is made with real meat, now Smeet is fake, you can tell by the name!

ARAGORN: Okay, I have no idea what all that’s about… let’s just hope it wears off.

~The group reach the Last Bridge~

ARAGORN: You hobbits stay here in the bushes with Frodo. I’m going to make sure the way is clear. ~walks cautiously towards bridge~

PIPPIN: ~giggling~ I feel like a munchkin from the Wizard of Oz hiding in these bushes.

MERRY: Oh come on, Pip. This is serious!

SAM: ~giggles~ I see it, Pip. If only we had some helium balloons.

MERRY: Not you too, Sam!

SAM:~hums “follow the Yellow Brick Road”~

~Pip joins in, and soon even Merry starts to hum the song. Strider comes back, just in time~

ARAGORN: The bridge is clear. And I found this ~holds out a green jewel~

PIP: OOH! Pretty!

ARAGORN: It’s an elvish stone. I think they’re keeping the way clear for us. We should cross now, and quickly!

~Aragorn and Merry head towards the bridge, Merry leading Bill. However, Sam and Pip are hatching a plan…~

PIP: No, no,no… It’s left foot back, straight, then right foot back.

SAM: Like this?

PIP: Yes! Now you’ve got it! Ready?

SAM: Yes! ~they both giggle~

PIP and SAM: ~singing and skipping past the others~ Follow the yellow brick road. Follow the yellow brick road. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road.

ARAGORN: Should I even ask?

MERRY: Nope, let’s just keep going.

FRODO: Don’t do it Ms. Cilli!!!

~Soon the group turn off the road into hilly wilderness~

MERRY: This is a rather dreary countryside, isn’t it?

ARAGORN: Men used to live here, but they turned evil as the legend goes. Then of course, trolls took over the land. Stick close boys!

PIP: Trolls? ULP- ~runs next to Bill/Capt. Swishy~ You’ll protect us from trolls, right Aragorn?

ARAGORN: Don’t worry Pip, no one’s seen trolls in these parts for many years. I think we shall camp out tonight in that clearing over there.

SAM: Good idea, I’ll gather some wood for a fire. Mr. Frodo’s so cold lately. His wound has closed up, shouldn’t he be getting better?

ARAGORN: There is some poison or evil at work that is beyond my skill to drive out. We must somehow find the Ford of Bruinen, and soon!

~the next day~

PIP: Look, there’s a path over there, it looks like it’s leading down.

ARAGORN: Let’s take it, I fear Frodo is quite tired, if there’s an easy way down, we must take it.

~The group follow the path all the way to a cave~

PIP: ~in a scared voice~ I-I think this is a troll cave!

MERRY: Sure smells like one! I think we should be moving on.

ARAGORN: It is a troll cave, but I think it has gone unused for a long time. Let’s keep going anyway… Frodo’s conversations are getting weirder…

FRODO: You sunk my Battleship! Ka-sploosh!!!

~The group head down the path. Pip and Sam decide to try and work out their “Dorothy Skip”.~

PIP: How many times do I have to tell you? Left goes behind FIRST! Hey, what is that in that clearing up there?

SAM: I don’t know… wait, HOLY HOBBITS! IT’S TROLLS!!!

~Sam and PIP go running back to the others~

PIP: Trolls! There’s Trolls in that clearing ahead!

ARAGORN: Trolls? Let me go check this out.~Draws sword in heroic gesture and strides toward the clearing~

MERRY: He’s so brave! I sure hope the trolls don’t eat him.

FRODO: Sorry, batteries not included.

MERRY: Does he do this in the book?

SAM: No, he’s supposed to be quite coherent… I don’t know what his problem is.

MERRY: You don’t suppose being stuck with Pippin this long has driven him mad do you?

~They both look at Pip, who has made a crown of daisies for himself and “Capt. Swishy”~

PIP: We’re the Kings of the Forest! What? No, I’m King, you’re Prince. Whaddya mean you wanna be King too? You’re already a Captain! Alright, alright, we’ll be co-Kings… Okay?

~Bill snorts and tries to eat his crown~

PIP: Aww, Capt. Swishy!!! ~giggles~

MERRY: Yup, that’s gotta be the reason, Pip has driven him mad.

SAM: Definetly.

~Aragorn comes back, trying to keep a straight face~

SAM: You were gone for awhile… did you have to fight them?

ARAGORN: Kinda. Let’s keep moving fellows.

MERRY: Down this path? Past the trolls???

ARAGORN: Oh, I don’t think those trolls with bother us.

~Merry and Sam look at each other in disbelief. The group walk into the clearing~

ARAGORN: See, they’re stone! That’s what happens when the sun hits trolls… in case you’ve forgotten, and, the sun is high in the sky. In fact, I think these are the very same trolls that Bilbo had a run-in with all those years ago.

SAM: Well, now I feel stupid… I’m sure you might have expected that behavior from Pip, but I should have known better.

PIP: Wha-huh? Did I hear my name? Hey, who drew on these trolls?

ARAGORN:~snickers~ I did, isn’t it funny? See, I gave that one a French style mustache, so I call him Pierre, and that one has lots of chest hair, cuz he’s italian, his name is Anthony of course, and That one…

PIP: let me guess, he’s a nancy elf king? right??

ARAGORN: NO! That one is supposed to be me!

PIP: OH, umm… yeah, I see the resemblence there.. in the chin area and uh, the crown.

ARAGORN: Let’s just keep moving! ~shoots glare at Pip, who runs and hides behind Bill~

~The group travel for awhile longer until they come back by the road, then start to set camp once again, when the sound of a Moped can be heard coming towards them~

ARAGORN: Get off the road! ~Draws sword~

~Soon, a moped can be seen coming toward them, only its a shiny, clean one, with a bell attached the handle bells~

ARAGORN: Come out guys, it’s not the black Mopeders. ~Runs forward to greet the mopeder~

ARAGORN: Drat! It’s you, Glorfindel.

GLORFINDEL: Sorry to disappoint you, Dunedain… but I have been sent by Lord Elrond to find your troupe.

ARAGORN: Yes, I know, but in the movie, it was Arwen that came to help us, and no offense, but she’s a lot prettier than you.

GLORFINDEL: Yeah, but does her moped have ground lighting?


GLORFINDEL: I rest my case! ~Raises chin in a smug manner~

FRODO: NO, the price is wrong, Bob!

GLORFINDEL: Sweet Mother of Elbereth… what is wrong with that Hobbit? ~rushes to Frodo’s side~

ARAGORN: He was stabbed by a ring wraith on Weathertop.

GLORFINDEL: M’kay, so why is he saying random quotes to no one in particular?

MERRY: Oh, I think I might know that one… ~whispers in Glorfindels ear, and points to Pip~

GLORFINDEL: Ahh, I see. Wow, he’s really good at daisy crowns!

ARAGORN: ~sighs impatiently~ Glorf… shouldn’t we get going?

GLORFINDEL: yeah, I suppose we should. I’ll put Frodo here on my moped, it’s engine is way more souped up than the ones the black mopeders have. He should get to Rivendell alright.

SAM: But, he doesn’t know the way to Rivendell, or how to ride a moped!

GLORF: Ahh, but this is no ordinary moped. ~winks~

SAM: Right…

Glorfindel sets Frodo on moped, then says something in elvish to it. The moped, with very little guidance from the delirious hobbit, speeds away towards Rivendell. The rest of the group start walking, but don’t stay too far behind.~

FRODO: ~humming “Follow the Yellow Brick Road”~ That really is a catchy tune. ~continues humming, then starts to giggle~ I can’t believe they fell for it! ~looks back at the others~ They actually thought I was mad… ah, the things I’ll do to get a break from Pip! ~starts humming again~

~Frodo and the group come close to the Ford, where the ringwraiths lie in waiting~

BLACK MOPEDER #1: Hullo again, Frodo. How’s the shoulder?

FRODO: Cold, icy, and hurts like he-

SAM: HEY!!! You’re talking coherently!

FRODO: Umm…Scooby Doo, where are you?

MERRY: You weren’t insane at all were you?!? I can’t believe you, you little—

BLACK MOPEDER #1: Excuse me? We’re trying to be all scary here and stuff!

SAM: Oh, right, sorry.

BLACK MOPEDER #6: It’s okay… Now then, ~clears throat and starts talking in creepy wraith voice~ hand over the ring!

FRODO: No! You shall have neither the ring nor me!

GLORFINDEL: Noro Lim, Asfaloth, Noro lim!

PIP: Noro what huh?

GLORFINDEL: I was talking to my moped!

~The moped (Asfaloth) takes off across the Ford, with the black mopeders in hot pursuit. Frodo reaches the other side first.~

FRODO: HAHAHA! I got here first!

BLACK MOPEDER #9: So, we’re still gonna kill you!

FRODO: Ulp! ~looks around and spies a lever marked “Water level”~ If you want me, come and get me! ~sticks tongue out~

BLACK MOPEDERS: Aargh! ~start mopeding towards the middle of the river~

~Frodo grabs hold of the lever, and moves it from it’s current position “Gentle stream” to “Oh, crap! That’s a lot of water”~

BLACK MOPEDERS: ~seeing water suddenly rushing at them~ Oh crap! That’s a lot of water! ~mopeders get swept away in the current.~

FRODO: Woot! Oh man… I don’t feel so good… ~makes gurgling noise, grabs shoulder, then finally passes out~

To be continued…


Installment VII

~Frodo lies on a big bed in Imladris. Gandalf sits next to him in a chair.~

FRODO: ~muttering~ Wh-where am I? What time is it?

GANDALF: You are in the House of Agent Elrond, it is 10 in the morning, and I STILL haven’t gotten my cup of coffee I ordered 30 minutes ago!

FRODO: Gandalf!!! You’re here!

GANDALF: Yes, I’m here, and you’re lucky to be here. Honestly Frodo, talking dogs, Tom Bombadil, COFFEE WITH RINGWRAITHS!!! What in Middle-Earth were you thinking?

FRODO: ~rather bewildered~ I’m…sorry?


~Agent Elrond enters the room, wearing a sparkly black suit and Ray-ban sunglasses~

ELROND: Your coffee is on it’s way, Mr. Gandalf. We had to make more. It was… inevitable. Ah, the hobbit is awake. Mae Govannen, Mr. Baggins.

FRODO: Frodo, my name is Frodo. Where are the others? Where’s Sam?

GANDALF: They’re here. I must say, I’m a little concerned about Pippin. He was already a fool of a Took, I didn’t think it could get much worse.

ELROND: Oh, it can… ~smiles creepy Agent Smith smile~

FRODO: ~uneasily~ Well, I’m feeling much better now, I think I’ll just step outside for a second or two.

ELROND: Go ahead. ~receives message on earpiece~

VOICE: Agent Elrond, more have arrived.

ELROND: Ah, good. If you will excuse me, I have more guests to greet. ~leaves~

FRODO: Okay, he’s a little creepy, don’t you think?

GANDALF: Creepy? That elf saved your life!

FRODO: Yes, but the eyebrows!

GANDALF: ~glares~ I’m going to go see about that coffee. ~gets up and leaves~

~Frodo steps outside and marvels at the beauty of Rivendell~

SAM: Hullo Mr. Frodo. I see you’re feeling better now.

FRODO: OH! Hi Sam, yes, I am feeling better. Thanks to that Agent Elrond guy.

SAM: Oh, yeah… Agent Elrond. Something about that guy seems a bit odd, don’t you think?

FRODO: You noticed it too? Gandalf didn’t seem to think so…

SAM: You talked to Gandalf?

FRODO: Yeah, he seemed rather upset about not having his coffee. He was very irritable.

SAM: That’s why I was shocked when you said you talked to him. He’s not sociable at all before his morning cup of Joe.

FRODO: He and Elrond mentioned something about a lot of guests, is something going on?

SAM: Yes, and I think it has something to do with that bag o’ chips of yours.

FRODO: My chips… of course. You don’t suppose I’ll have to do anything more do you? I mean, Gandalf just wanted me to get them here… and we did that. We can go back home now, right?

SAM: I don’t know Mr. Frodo… I don’t know. But that Elrond guy is throwing a feast tonight in your honor.

FRODO: A feast… WOOT!!!

~Later that night at dinner…Everyone is seated at a long table.~

FRODO: ~whispering to Merry~ Who’s that elf Strider keeps checking out?

MERRY: Oh, That’s Arwen, Agent Elrond’s daughter.

FRODO: I see, and who is that elf Pippin’s talking to?

MERRY: OH NO! ~looks around~ Aargh!!! ~runs off toward Pip to break the conversation apart~

GLOIN: That is Legolas, son of Thranduil… a prince of Mirkwood.

FRODO: Oh no… not a nancy Mirkwood elf!

GLOIN: I’m afraid so… they say he’s the nanciest. Gloin at your service. ~bows~

FRODO: Frodo Baggins at your’s and your families. Say, are you the very same Gloin that accompanied my Uncle Bilbo on his adventure?

GLOIN: The one and the same… though, that was a long time ago.

FRODO: What brings you all the way here to Rivendell?

GLOIN: I could ask you the same. Four hobbits traveling this far out of the shire… such a thing hasn’t occurred since our adventure with your Uncle. But, I think Agent Elrond shall be summoning us all to a meeting soon, we should discuss this there and leave tonight for merriment.

FRODO: Quite right!

~~Everyone eats, and is merry, except for Merry who spends the rest of the evening trying to keep Pip away from his new friend.~~

FRODO: If only Bilbo could see all this. He would love it.

BILBO: I do love it, my boy!

FRODO: Uncle Bilbo! I thought you were going out to get exercise. What are you doing here in Rivendell?

BILBO: It seems, Frodo Lad, that age and obesity have caught up to me. I meant to go further. Hike to the old Mountains, do some rock climbing, but this was as far as I could make it.

FRODO: It’s wonderful to see you again. You wouldn’t believe the adventure I’ve had getting here.

BILBO: Indeed, Sam has told me much of your journey. I especially loved the part about the wights. Poor Pip, eh?

FRODO: Yes, Bilbo, poor Pip. And poor Merry as well.

~The next morning, Frodo wakes up to find an invitation slipped under his door.~

FRODO: ~reading invitation~ You have been summoned to a Secret Council Meeting! WHERE: The Council room. When: 10:00 sharp. No need to RSVP… you’ll be there. It is inevitable. Sincerely, Agent Elrond. ~mutters~ Sheesh, even his invitations seem creepy. Well, I guess I better get around if I’m going to go to this meeting.

~The Council of Agent Elrond~

~Frodo enters just as everyone is being seated~

ELROND: Ah, here is the hobbit I was telling you all about. Gentlemen, allow me to introduce Mr. Baggins.

FRODO: Uh, just Frodo will do, your Agent-ship.

ELROND: Few have come with more greater peril. Frodo, Allow me to introduce Legolas, from the woodland realm, Gloin and his son Gimli, from the mountains, Here we have some of the Lords of my house Glorfindel and Erestor, From the Gray Havens we have Galdor, this is Boromir from Gondor, and of course you already know Gandalf, Bilbo, and Aragorn, though you know him better as Strider.


ELROND: Right, well I think we had best get this underway. Gandalf, I hope you have had your coffee this morning.

GANDALF: I have, and I brought back up! ~raises a purple thermos~

ELROND: Ah, good. Gloin, you may have the floor.

GLOIN: ~clears throat~ Thank you, Agent Elrond. Friends, Long ago we heard whispers amongst us dwarves that we were in a narrow place, and that riches and wondrous jewels could be found under the mountains. Some of us left for Moria, feeling we had the power and numbers to take back our dwelling of old. We haven’t heard from those who left in a long time, and quite frankly, we’re worried. About a year ago, a messenger came to us, from Mordor. He said he would give us bags of Ruffles like he did before, in return for telling him all we knew of hobbits. We gave no answer, so he prodded a bit further saying Sauron only needed to catch a thief that had stolen a tiny little bag of chips from his bakery. We still gave no answer. The servant of Sauron left us to decide whether we would help him or not, and Dain has sent me here to warn Bilbo of his danger. We hear Sauron’s messengers have been to Bard’s men also, and we are worried for the shadow’s draw closer to us. We seek your council, Agent Elrond.

ELROND: And you are wise to do so. Here today you shall hear the purpose of the enemy. For now, I shall show you all this tiny bag of chips Sauron seeks so diligently… Frodo, the bag please.

~Frodo hesitantly places the bag on a table in the middle of the room~

ELROND: This is it. The one bag of Ruffles. Baked in the ovens of Frito-Lay so many centuries ago. I shall now tell the tale of the Chips, so you might all understand the grave peril we are all in. Long ago, Sauron wrou-

GANDALF: Oh, just tell the short version, I only have about 2 cups of coffee left!

ELROND: ~gives Gandalf freaky eyebrow glare~ I believe this is the council of Elrond, not Gandalf.

~Gandalf glares~

ELROND: ~sighs~ Oh alright. Sauron baked 3 bag of chips for the elves, 7 for the dwarves, and 9 for men. They were ultra tasty chips that few could resist, and only the powerful could posess. He then created the most powerful bag of Ruffles for himself, and with this bag, he would rule over all others. A HUGE war broke out as Sauron tried to devour Middle-Earth in his greed. Elves and Men formed a Last Alliance to defeat him. At the black gate, Sauron came out to meet us in battle. There, Elendil tryed to kill him, but his sword, Narsil shattered. His son Isildur picked up the hilt and struck Sauron, cutting off the hand that held the chips. Sauron was defeated… for the time being. Isildur refused to cast the chips back into the fryer, instead he decided to keep it as an heirloom. The ring betrayed him during an attack on his camp by orcs and got lost in the river. Ages later, Deagol, a riverside dwelling hobbit picked it up. His cousin Smeagol decided he wanted the chips, and killed Deagol for them. Smeagol’s family disowned him, he moved into the Misty Mountains, where the chips consumed his mind. He became a hopeless wretch that many now know as Gollum. Then Bilbo here found the chips by accident, and kept them until he left for his last adventure, in which case he left them to Frodo. Short enough for you Mr. Gandalf?

GANDALF: ~sipping coffee~ Hmm? Oh, yes, yes. Very nice, thank you.

BOROMIR: Agent Elrond, May I now speak of why I come here?

ELROND: Oh fine, go ahead.

BOROMIR: Thank you. Long has Gondor fought the ever rising armies of the Dark Lord. Lately, his armies are stronger, and Gondor is hard put to keep the lands free. We have been pushed back from Ithilien. He has joined forces with the Easterlings and the Haradrim. We found ourselves under sudden attack by these armies… and we were swept away. But I do not come here seeking allies, I come seeking wisdom. On the eve of this attack I had a troubling dream. The sky grew dark in the East, but in the West, there was still a ray of light… and a voice softly cried out “Seek for the sword that was broken, In Imladris it dwells; There shall be counsels taken, stronger than Morgul spells; There shall be shown a token that doom is near at hand, For Isildur’s bane shall be waken, and the halfling forth shall stand.” I do not understand these words, and have traveled all this way to see what your wisdom, Elrond, could tell me of this riddle.

~Aragorn stands~

ARAGORN: Here shall this riddle be solved. ~takes sword out of holder. It’s broken into two pieces.~ Here is the Sword that was broken.

BOROMIR: And who are you, and what do you have to do with Gondor?

ELROND: He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, he is descended through many fathers from Isildur himself, and he is chief of the Dunedain.

FRODO: Wait, wait… so all that time you were coming along with us to protect us, your sword was BROKEN! No wonder you left me on Weathertop!

ARAGORN: I have other weapons, and I already told you, it would have happened whether I stayed or not.

ELROND: Yes, Frodo, it was inevitable. Anyway, to solve the rest of the riddle, the chips are Isildur’s bane, and we have two halflings here, and three more around here somewhere. Now we must decide what we should do now that these chips have been found. They can not stay here, they must be destroyed.

~Legolas starts pouting and whimpering~


LEGOLAS: I wanna tell my story too!!!

ELROND: I already talked about Gollum.

LEGOLAS: Yeah, but there’s kinda been a recent development you don’t know about.

ELROND: ~glares at Legolas~ Like what?

LEGOLAS: ~twirling hair around finger and mumbles~ We lost him.

ELROND: What?!? I didn’t hear that.

LEGOLAS: ~sighs~ We sorta lost him.


LEGOLAS: Okay, so it’s like this. Gandalf had some of us along with Aragorn tracking him down. They tracked him all over the place, right? ~Aragorn nods~ Right, so then they finally catch him outside of Mordor… and he’d been tortured and junk, so they brought him back to us. Gandalf asks us to watch him and stuff, and we agreed cuz like, how hard could it be. Only, he was soooo pathetic that we started to feel bad keeping him down in the dungeons all the time, so we’d let him out to play in the trees. There was this one particular tree he liked to climb in, and we’d set guards at the base of it and let climb around and he was like, all cool with that. Then one day, he like, wouldn’t come down. Next thing we know, all these nasty, smelly orcs are jumping in and attacking us, and when we finally got them outta there, Gollum’s guards were dead, and he was gone. And like, we don’t know where he went.

GIMLI: That’ll show you to trust an elf. Especially a Mirkwood elf.

LEGOLAS: What’s that supposed to mean?

GIMLI: It means, ~mockingly~ you’re like, an idiotic little pretty boy who wouldn’t know his bow from eyelash curler!

LEGOLAS: WHAT?!? How dare you… I happen to know what an eyelash curler looks like very well, besides, I think we all know dwarves are just jealous of elves cuz we got here first and we’re much prettier!

GIMLI: Jealous? Jealous he says! Why I outta-

ELROND: GENTLEMEN!!! Save you quarrels for someone ELSE’S council. Now, back to the task at hand. These chips may only be destroyed by the fryers of Frito-Lay. Someone must take them there.

LEGOLAS: Ooh, ooh! I can do it! I’m really fast and super sneaky!!! Let me take them!!!

GIMLI: HAH!!! They’d smell your beauty products long before you got there, and then they’d ambush you and take the chips to Sauron. I will take the chips!

LEGOLAS: You? They’d hear your breathing miles away, you’d be shot on site!

~Council gets involved in heated argument over who should take the chips to Frito Lay.~

FRODO: I will take them! ~Council quites down a bit~ I will take the chips… Though, I do not know the way.

GANDALF: My dear Frodo, just when you think you know everything about hobbits, they still find a way to surprise you. Are you sure you want to do this? A mission of most certain peril?

FRODO: Yes…well, at least I think…

GANDALF: Then you have my staff!

FRODO: Now wait a minute, I said I thi-

LEGOLAS: Ooh, and my bow!

FRODO: But, I’m not sure if I wa-

GIMLI: And my axe!!!

FRODO: Guys, I don’t know if I want to-

ARAGORN: And my sword!

FRODO: but-

BOROMIR: You carry the fate of us all… if this is the the ruling of the council, than I shall go to… for Gondor.

FRODO: I haven’t decided ye-

SAM: ~running in from no where~ Oi! You’re not going to Frito-Lay without your Sam!!!

FRODO: I’m not sure if I’m goi-

MERRY AND PIP: You’re not leaving without us neither!!!

FRODO: Aargh!! Can I get one senten-

BILL/CAPT. SWISHY: Neeeeiiiiggghhhh ~walks into council room~

PIP: Awww, Capt. Swishy wants to go too!!!

LEGOLAS: Capt. Swishy… Ooh, I like that name!

PIP: I named him that! Everyone else wanted to call him “Bill”.

LEGOLAS: YECCH!!! Thank goodness they had you around, Friend.

ELROND: Alright, so, there’s let’s see ~counts~ Nine of you, and there’s nine ringwraiths… sounds about right to me. You shall be, the Fellowship of the Chips.

FRODO: But I didn’t say I’d go for su-

ELROND: Well, everyone better get started packing… the sooner this is over with, the better.

~everyone starts to leave~

FRODO: But I don’t wanna go to Frito-Lay!!! Aww, what have I got myself into this time???

To be continued…


Installment VIII

*After the deciding of the Fellowship, the Sword of Elendil is reforged and Bilbo gives Frodo some of his things from his old adventure*

BILBO: Here Frodo… try this on! *holds up mithril shirt*

FRODO: Uh… do I have to?

BIBLO: What? Why wouldn’t you want to? It’s quite light, you hardly feel any weight when you put it on. The dwarves gave it me, you know..

FRODO: Well, it’s just… I don’t think I’d look right in it.

BILBO: Oh I said the same thing when they gave it to me… Now put it on. It may come in handy…*starts staring at Frodo’s vest*

FRODO: *gives Bilbo weird look* Okay, but only because you insist.I’ll put it on under my shirt though, so it’s not so noticeable *starts taking vest and shirt off*

BILBO: Oh, let me hold that vest for you lad!!!

FRODO: That’s okay, I can just put here on the bed for now. *sets vest down. Sound of bag crinkling can be heard*

*Biblo hears crinkling and freaks out… lunging at the vest*
FRODO: *Slaps Uncle across the back of his head* NOOO Bad Bilbo!!!*pulls on mithril shirt and starts getting dressed again*

BILBO: *sniffling* I-I’m sorry Frodo… it’s the chips… I-I wonder if, well, if you could let me hold the bag… just one last time…

FRODO: NO! I don’t think that’s a good idea… you need to see someone about that… start a support group or something… seriously!!!

BIBLO: *sniffs* I tried that… they had a cardboard bag of chips by the door to the meeting room… I got kicked out for stealing it and trying to eat it at the podium…

FRODO: Dude… *lays hand on Uncle’s shoulder* I shall destroy the chips uncle…for you!!!

BILBO: Aww… thank you my lad… OOh, here, take this sword with you as well. It’s called Sting and it glows blue when orcs are near!!

FRODO: Ooh…glowing sword… thanks Uncle Bilbo!!!

*Everyone has said their goodbye’s and are ready to leave for Frito-Lay*

FELLOWSHIP: Goodbye Agent Elrond!!!

MERRY: Pip… what is that smell???

PIP: OH! It’s Legolas’s hair styling products!! Don’t you think it give my hair a much needed lift?

MERRY: Oh dear Eru!!! This is going to be the LONGEST journey I have ever experienced… I hope I brought enough Tylenol!!!

*Elrond steps outside where the group is gathered.*

AGENT ELROND: I have stocked you pony with plenty food and warm clothes. May it help you all. Now then, the ringbearer makes for Frito-lay. On him alone is any charge made. The others go with him as free companions and may leave this fellowship if it be their wish.

GIMLI: Bahh… Faithless is he who abandons a friend when the road darkens!

LEGOLAS: Yeah, and like… friends don’t leave friends when stuff gets bad.

GIMLI: You nancy little shmuck… that’s what I just said!!

*Legolas pouts*

AGENT ELROND: Even so, my quarrelsome friends, you may find it to be… inevitable…

FRODO: *whispering to Aragorn* What is it with this guy and that word? And those eyebrows!!

ARAGORN: Shhh… he’ll hear you.

AGENT ELROND: I did hear him… it was inevitable *glares at Frodo*

FRODO:*laughs nervously* well, I guess we should head off then, eh guys? Umm… thanks for the help Elrond…

* Group sets off*

PIP: *hums to himself while making a daisy crown for Bill/Captain Swishy* You’re gonna look so pretty Capt. Swishy!! Yes you are!!


LEGOLAS: Oh my gosh! You are so good at that! Make me one… Pppplllleeeaaassee!!! *hops in place a bit*

PIP: Sure thing Friend… just let me finish this one for Capt. Swishy… he’s the King of Swishy-ness aren’t you Capt.??? *makes horse sounds*

LEGOLAS: You’re like.. so cool! I’m glad someone on this mission has awesome taste in stuff! *throws glare at Gimli*

GIMLI: *to Boromir* Can you believe we’re going to be stuck on this journey with that ELF? And look at what he’s doing to that poor hobbit!! Before you know that poor lad will be using his hair products and other nonsense…

MERRY: Actually, he already IS using his hair products…

GIMLI: Sweet mother of Elbereth…

MERRY: Here, take some Tylenol… I brought an entire case of it.

GIMLI: Good thinking. *takes a Tylenol*

BOROMIR: I think I saw Legolas checking out my horn… should I be concerned?

GIMLI: YES!!! Don’t let him play with it… no matter what!! You’ll get his nancy little cooties. Then YOU’ll be wearing his hair products and such.

*The three look back at Legolas and Pippin, who are now trying to braid flowers into Bill/Capt. Swishy’s mane*

GIMLI, MERRY, AND BOROMIR: We’re gonna need more Tylenol!!!

GANDALF: Gentlemen, we shall camp here tonight. We have reached Hollin… which used to be a dwelling for elves. May their grace keep us safe tonight!

LEGOLAS: OOH! I Know some elves from here! They had the best gossip… but then they went to the undying lands…

PIP: The undying lands?

LEGOLAS: Yeah, it’s like.. an elvish retirement center or something… My dad’s been talking about it recently. Maybe he’s going to leave… and then I will be KING!!! *eyes glaze over* I can order everyone to use strawberry scented shampoo only cuz it’s the best. And we’ll were only purple since Green just isn’t my color… and we’ll be the prettiest elf kingdom EVER!!!

PIP: Sounds nice!!! Can I come?

LEGOLAS: Of course you can, friend! You can be my Squire or something… and you can make me and everyone else lovely daisy crowns!!!

PIP: Yay!!! *starts making a another crown for Legolas*

GANDALF: *To Merry* You might want to try and keep those two separated… I’m beginning to get a headache…

MERRY: Here, take some of these. *hands Gandalf some Tylenol*

GANDALF: Ah, thanks… but I’m not sure if these will work.

MERRY: *whispering* well, I didn’t want to say anything… but I did bring a small amount of Morphine… I was saving it for the end of the journey. I figure by then… I’m gonna need it.

GANDALF: Ahh, I’ve always liked you Meriadoc…


Installment IX

*At the camp in Hollin…*

PIPPIN: What are those Mountains over there? Did we go to far east?

GANDALF: All that time we spent in Imladris, you never once thought to look at a map?

PIPPIN: Yes, but Frodo has more of a head for that stuff… besides, the dust on the maps made me sneeze…

MERRY: Wait… You looked at the maps?

PIPPIN: Yeah *Merry looks at him weird* I got bored, okay? Besides, Agent Elrond got onto me for pulling up his daisies… I had to do SOMETHING, didn’t I?

MERRY: Oh, man… *shakes head*

GANDALF: Anywho, beyond those peaks the range bends South-west… it was all on those maps you say you looked at…

GIMLI: I need no map… My forefathers used to work this land, we have lots of pictures of those peaks there. We call them Baraz, Zirak, and Shathur.

LEGOLAS: *snickering* Yet another reason Dwarves are jealous of Elves… we think of better names for things…

PIPPIN: *giggles* What do you call them, friend?

LEGOLAS: Caradhras the Cruel, Celebdil the White, and Fanuidhol the Grey… much prettier names if you ask me…

GIMLI: Much nancier if you ask ME!!! Anywho, below them lies Khazad-dum, or Moria in the elvish toungue *glares at Legolas* and there my relatives have gone seeking fortune… and beyond those peaks is the Dimrill Dale.

GANDALF: Which is precisely where we are heading… thank you for that lovely Geography lesson, Gimli.

GIMLI: *blushes* Umm… you’re welcome, Gandalf. Do you think we’ll see the lake of Kheled-zaram? Or the springs of Kibil-nala? I really wanna see them!!!

GANDALF: *whispers to Gimli* Careful, you’re starting to act like Leggy-loo. *Aloud* We shall see, Gimli, but if we do, we can’t stay there long.

GIMLI: Woot!!!

*Later, as everyone is napping. Sam and Aragorn are keeping watch*

SAM: So, umm… sorry about the whole “not trusting you’ thing back in Bree. Are you really the King?

ARAGORN: I’m the rightful heir to the throne, yes, but I am not King yet.

SAM: But, if you’re heir to the throne, then why haven’t you just gone to Gondor and said “Hey, I’m the heir, get outta my throne” and what not?

ARAGORN: *sighs* You wouldn’t understand, Sam. It’s not as easy as all that. And I’m not sure if I even want to be-

SAM: OI! What’s that? It doesn’t look like a cloud!

ARAGORN: Because it’s not! GET DOWN!!!

*A big flock of birds flies overhead*

SAM: What was that all about? It was just birds…

*Group wakes up*

GANDALF: Aragorn, what happened?

ARAGORN: Black crows are flying over the land between these mountains and the Greyflood. I think they might be spies… Their species comes from Dunland…

GANDALF: Well, then the Redhorn Gate is probably being watched too… I don’t know how we’ll get over that without being spotted, but we shall have to try anyway. I think we better get going once night falls…

GIMLI: *snickering* Oi! Merry, Boromir, come look at this…

MERRY: Look at what? *Gimli points to Legolas’s hair* Ah…*Merry and Boromir burst out laughing*V

LEGOLAS: What is so funny? *looks around* Wait, are you guys, like, laughing at me? Why???

GIMLI: *still snickering* Because…those crows… left you… a little present!!! Bwaha-ha-ha-ha!!!

LEGOLAS: What are you talking about? *spies Pippin* Friend! What are they talking about? I don’t see any presents…

PIPPIN: Oh my gosh! Friend, there’s a huge hunk of Bird poo in your hair!!!

*Legolas shrieks like a girl and runs in a circle*

LEGOLAS: EWW!!! Get it out!! Get it out!!!

PIPPIN: *Is following Legolas with an armful of Legolas’s hair products* I’m trying to, Friend, just hold still..Arrgh…

BOROMIR: *crying from laughing so hard* Oh man… I haven’t laughed like that since my brother tried out for “Gondorian Idol”…

MERRY: Gondorian Idol? Isn’t that that singing show… with the three judges?

BOROMIR: Yeah, and he got booted out first round…poor guy still thinks he can sing. He’s practicing for next year as we speak…

MERRY: Well, you can’t pick your relatives… believe me, I could if I would *nods towards Pip, who has finally got Legolas to stand still, and is getting the bird poo out of his hair*

BOROMIR: True dat…

*The next couple of days the Fellowship head towards the mountains without further incident. On the third day, they reach the path leading up to Caradhras…*

GANDALF: Well, here’s the path. And Winter is getting thicker. Not to mention we’ll most definitely be seen on this path with all that snow. What do you think of this path now, Aragorn?

ARAGORN: All paths are dangerous now that the Dark Lord’s grease is spreading… there is no other path over the mountains, and to go around them leads us to close to Rohan, and we do not know where their loyalty still lies. I say we go over the mountains, and I’m sticking to it.

GANDALF: but we could go through the mountains…

ARAGORN: No! no, we go over the mountains, then through the woods…

PIPPIN: OOH!!! Are we visiting someone’s Grandma?


*Merry hands Gandalf some Tylenol*

GANDALF: Thank you, Now then, over the mountains it is… Aragorn, why don’t you lead us, since this is your brilliant idea…

*Aragorn starts leading the group up the mountain trail. It starts snowing, and soon the snow begins to get deep*

GANDALF: This is what I feared… What say you now, Aragorn? Still afraid of the path through the mountain?

ARAGORN: *glares* We keep going… Boromir and I can carry the hobbits if the snow get’s too deep…and you can carry Gimli, I guess…

GIMLI: No one carries a dwarf!!! I’ll umm, ride Bill! Yeah, you carry the hobbits, and I’ll ride the pony…

PIPPIN: His name is Captain Swishy!!! How many times do I have to say that!!! *turns to Legolas* Honestly, no one ever listens to me… Hey! You’re walking on the snow!

LEGOLAS: Yeah, Another reason Dwarves are jealous of elves… we’re so light we can walk on snow, whereas dwarves are fat and sink right into it…

GIMLI: I’ll show you fat you wafer thin pile of crap!!! *grabs legolas by ankles and pulls him to the ground… then starts stuffing snow down the back of his shirt*

LEGOLAS: YAhh!! That’s cold!!! *makes a snow ball and tries to throw it all Gimli, but misses and hits Frodo*

FRODO: Hey! What the- Oh, that’s it… SNOWBALL FIGHT!!!!

*The group starts throwing snowballs at each other, until one hits Gandalf’s hat and knocks it off… exposing his huge bald spot…*

MERRY: Ummm…*picks hat up off the ground and hands it back to Gandalf* Sorry about that, My aim must have been a hair off…

*Gimli snickers, Gandalf glares at everyone*

GANDALF: Boromir, Aragorn, pick up those hobbits… Dwarf…pony…NOW!!! Let’s go, people!

BOROMIR: *Picking up Merry and Pippin* Boy, you really hacked him off Mer…

MERRY: I’m not even sure it was my snowball…but man, did you see that male pattern baldness? No wonder he always has that hat on…


GANDALF: Well, we can go no further tonight… Let us camp here.

SAM: Here?!? But, there’s no shelter from the wind or snow? Can’t we find some place better?

GANDALF: NO, we can’t *glares* Besides… this wind is getting stronger, and I think I hear falling rocks from overhead… some evil is at work here, it’s best if we just stop.

ARAGORN: The Dark Lord is making this weather…

GIMLI: No, it’s the mountain itself, the elves don’t call Caradhras cruel for nothing…

*The next morning*

GANDALF: Well, I have gone ahead on the path… and it’s blocked by newly fallen boulders, we WILL have to go back, and go through the mountain just like I thought….

ARAGORN: *sighs* Why don’t you just say “I told you so” and get it over with?

GANDALF: Very well, I told you so! Can’t listen to me, can you? OH NOOO… what could I possibly know? I’ve only been around for hundreds of years…

ARAGORN: *glares at Gandalf* A simple I told you so would have been enough… what’s your deal anyway… You’ve been awfully cranky…

FRODO: Psst! No coffee…

ARAGORN: Ah, right…well, Boromir, I suppose you and I should make a path down the mountain so everyone can get down.

*Aragorn and Boromir plow the snow out of the path with their bodies… In the meantime, Legolas prances around on the snow*

PIPPIN: I wish I could walk on the snow…

LEGOLAS: I wish you could too… but you can’t, cuz you’re a hobbit…not an elf.

GIMLI: That’s it, I’ve had it… elves are NOT as great as you seem to think they are…

LEGOLAS: Aww… jealous again are we? Why aren’t we so great, Hmm???

GIMLI: Well, if elves weren’t such nancying airheads, they would never have trusted Sauron, and therefore never have taught him how to bake stuff, and then we wouldn’t be sitting here, freezing out butts off, trying to get to Frito-Lay to destroy a Bloody bag of chips…would we? You great dunderhead!!!

LEGOLAS: Ummm…no? Look what I can do!!! *makes snow-elf *

GIMLI: *mutters* Stupid nancy elf…

ARAGORN: Whew! Okay, we’ve cleared the path… let’s go before it starts snowing again!

LEGOLAS: Race you!!! ~starts running down the side of the path on top the snow~

PIPPIN: Wait for me, Friend !!! Woo-hoo!!! *starts running after him*

GANDALF: Well, what’s everyone waiting for, get moving!!!

MERRY: *whispers to Aragorn* First chance we get… we HAVE to find him some coffee…

ARAGORN: Definitely.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email